Wow... What A Wonderful Time

Christmas is such an amazing time. For you and I this year it held so much more meaning. Our first Christmas together and I am sure a much different experience then you have had before. During the past few weeks I have been remembering what Christmas was for me growing up. I remember the good times and some of the traditions, the ones I want to pass on to you and then you and I creating some of our own. The "elf" gifts are a tradition I hope we can continue, it was hard for you to understand this year but I am sure that will grow on you as the years go on.

Then, we had the "eye sparklers" under the tree. On top of our Santa gift my mom always had a gift under the tree that she called our "eye sparkler" and that is exactly what it was supposed to do. Light up our faces and be the one big present. The one I remember most for me was when I got my Charlotte Hornets NBA jacket. This year I really thought your electronic drum pad would be your eye sparkler, oh how I was wrong. Your favorite gift was actually a 50 cent notebook that was in your stocking. Nothing special to it but you liked carrying it around and turing the pages. I will definitely keep this in mind next year. You did enjoy many of your gifts today - play doh, puzzles, games, cars, etc...

The other tradition I was bound and determined to carry on this holiday season was my mom's homemade cinnimmon rolls. She made these from scratch every year and I have made them once before with help of others. Well, Friday afternoon I started around noon and finally, at 700 at night we finished the first batch and they worked! It only took me 24 cups of flour and a gallon of milk and a box of butter to finally get the yeast to rise, but persistence paid of off and we had a batch of rolls that you LOVED!

We also started some traditions of our own. I am not sure what these are yet but I am sure I will figure it out later :)

You are such an amazing little boy with so much personality. The spark in your eyes and the playfulness in the activities you do is amazing. You have shown us so many skills that you really do have and you are catching up in so many other areas. The ipad is the key to expressing some of this knowledge and the other is patience. You let us see all that you have on your terms, and as much as I wish this would happen a little faster sometimes, we can't control it.

Very exciting new - I emailed with the local Lacrosse team and they are more then willing to have you join the spring Lacrosse team for your age group! It will be another great opportunity for social interactions and growth. We will work hard on these skills, but the agreement with the league is knowing that you will not be able to play in games until you are ready (which may not happen this season) but you will participate, with me or a therapist, help in all practices, and wear the uniform to support the team on game days! I am very excited about this and really think you will grow as we start this adventure. You are pure muscle these days and I know will be a little athlete as we find the right sport.

Well, baby, this holiday weekend has worn us both out. Off to another week tomorrow and then on Wednesday we will leave to go see Jenny and the kids again. I am sure they will be shocked at your progress and growth as everyone here is each day.

I love you
Merry Christmas
Mom

Holiday Season

Holidays are quickly approaching and winter is upon us. Surprisingly, you do not like the cold weather. I am sure that it was actually colder in Idaho and that you had much more snow then we have here but within seconds of being in the cold your little hands turn beat red, you start crying that they hurt, and you quickly want to get inside. I hate to tell you but this is nothing yet. We are working hard on wearing gloves without taking them off a few minutes later but since you like to clap for yourself all the time they tend to slip right off!

Christmas shopping for you is almost done. I love the fact that you can be with me when I do the shopping yet still be surprised on Christmas morning :) We will start the Elf tradition next week. Growing up, my mom did elf gifts. Starting about a week before Christmas your Uncle Michael and I would find a small stocking stuffer gift outside our door that the "elf" left for us. Then, on Christmas morning we would find our stockings outside our door. Now, mainly this tradition carried on for years so we would not constantly bug mom about our Christmas gifts but it is one of the yearly traditions I am very excited to carry on. It is a little harder to find the stocking stuffers then I thought it would be but I am looking forward to see your face every morning. You find simple joy and happiness in the smallest of things and I am sure you will have a very exciting week!

We are still working (fighting) with the school on what will most appropriately meet your needs in that environment. They just do not understand how to work through your behaviors and the amount of time and consistency you require. This last week things have been GREAT at home. I do not know if this is because of the new medication, you settling in a little more, or a combination of the two, but we have seen a wonderful week, unfortunately, school has not seen the same and I do not think they will. I need the school to admit that you are a little outside their realm of what they can handle so next school year I can move you to a school that can met your needs a little better.

I interviewed for a job last week. It is a teacher position at a local school which would provide a better schedule for me to better meet your emotional needs and also the possibility of me moving you to that school next year. We will keep our fingers crossed for this. The company will still stay open and we will find the right balance, I just know you need so much more emotionally then what I am giving right now. Thank God for a wonderful nanny (Tonya) and a great deal of family/friend support that has been helping to provide what you need and giving us all a nice balance to life.

Well baby, I am very excited for the holidays and to see the look on your face.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Thanksgiving Celebrations

So, I am a little behind on posts but you do tend to keep me on my toes.

You did wonderful for Thanksgiving besides the fact that you did not particularly like the dinner. I guess that is an understatment, you ate the meal to please me but gaged on every bite that you put into your mouth. I thought the Turkey would be easy, just call it chicken, evidently you did not fall for that one. Maybe next year it will go down a little easier. I can't complain to much since you do eat almost anything and everything that is offered to you - one of your new favorites being a bolonage and cheese sandwich with mustard. You have also learned the new trick that to get your bread you have to eat a bite of food or to eat to get your chips or fries you have to eat a few bites of protein. Makes life much easier at meal time. You did LOVE the pumpkin pie for dessert that night though, one of the only ones who did. Who knows where you get your tastes from.

Since the entire week of Thanksgiving was off for the school system you had a very rough week back to school last week. It has been like light switches turning on and off your behaviors with no predictability. There are still the tantrums just because you want to be stubborn but on top of this, it could be as simple as asking you if you wanted juice and you would lose it! Self injurious behaviors were through the roof and you were just unhappy for about four days.

This is especially rough since school is still trying to learn the best way to work with you and which staff members can work with you appropriately. You know who you can manipulate and who has behavior control. We are back to meetings this week to fix your cognitive goals to make them more appropriate and to also discuss your behavior intervention plan and see what else we can do to make this easier for you. The school needs so much more training to work with you and little do they know that I do not offically plan on sending you back there next year as I would like to move you to a school that has more behavioral support.

I took you to a psychiatrist on Friday since I have been seeing so many mood swings and was worried about your self-injuriuos behaviors. Abilify was added to your Clonidine and a new diagnosis of Mood Disorder, and you seem to be reacting well. It is supposed to be 2-4 weeks to see the effects of the Abilify but because of your past drug exposure you metabolize drugs so differently. We have already started to see teh effects, we think, and you are extremely happy, for now. This could change when the 2-4 weeks sets in so only time will tell. I hate having you on meds. I am a behavior therapist, drugs are usually not a line of defense for us but you honestly need to take the edge off just a little. You can't think that the world is ending just because you are asked to pick up a crayon or put your cars away. We will see and I honestly feel that once you have more coping skills and a better set of skills to fall back on, we will not need the medication any longer. That is our hope at least!

Well, baby, I am off to bed - changes are coming though, just hang in there

Keep on truckin'
Love
Mom

Umm.. If Only You Could Tell Me Whats In The Toilet

Bryson, Bryson, Bryson... What is in the toilet? Yes, you heard the question correctly, what exactly did you put in the toilet this evening? It is amazing to watch you go through your developmental stages. What two and three year olds do not flush items down the toilet? I remember my mom telling me I used to try to flush doll babies heads down the toilet - well, if only you could tell us what exactly it was. You were throwing a tantrum, one hell of a tantrum, with Tonya tonight because she took away your light saber after you hit the puppy with it, and the next thing we know, the bathroom was flooded and you were naked. After much work, it is working again but we have yet to find out what's down there.

Since you have had all week off school for the thanksgiving holiday I decided it was time to re-potty train you. You used to request all the time and have very few accidents but that had changed. We cant figure out why but you had decided it was okay to wet your pants again. So, saturday night we a started over and had a lot of success at first with initiation, using your iPad. Then, you didn't like my method anymore and you and I had a break to regroup. I then took a slightly different approach and as of today you were requesting 80% of the time with success. Way to go!!! Now, if only you realized the pee is supposed to go in the potty. You tend to close the lid mid-stream, turn around and spray the shower curtain, or make a nice pattern on the wall and cabinets. I can tell by your face this is not necassirly on purpose but instead, a true lack of attending. That 30 second attention span does not help us much in this situation especially when you are very excited to get your candy afterwards. I am assuming that since we also taught you to flush this week, that is why you flushed items down the toilet tonight.

Some of your accomplishments recently:
1. You can now identify your head both receptively and expressively
2. You can match non-identical pictures
3. You can dress yourself (when you want to)
4. You can complete the steps of toiling (with a little bit of a mess)
5. You can count to two
6. You can use your iPad for basic communication

This week will be interesting to watch. We will be going to Nancy and Terry's for Thanksgiving and then you will be initiated by fire to a family tradition. Your grandma, my mom, and I used to always do black Friday shopping. Once she passed away Valerie started carring on this tradition with me. So now, on Friday you will join is for this very eventful day! We will wake at about 330 am to be at Target by 430 am then off to breakfast followed by best buy and toys r us for a little Christmas shopping.

I love you baby, keep on truckin

Mom

Our First 'Sick Visit'

Hmmm..... We might have to have a little heart to heart on this one. If this is the way we act when we are not feeling very well, we have a long road ahead of us. For lack of a better word, you have been a little terror the last few days. We took two days off school and upon returning to school you are perfect for them which is wonderful! If only it were the same at home!!! It has not been all bad, just very temperamental. One minute you ask to play with your cars, the next you are screaming because it is really not what you want. By today you we were feeling much better. Your self-injurious behaviors were also through the roof during this time but next month we go to the psychiatrist so hopefully we will have more insight.

You and the iPad have become best friends and it amazing to watch. You are starting to find a voice, much more spontaneous then it ever was with PEC's.it has really become your outlet at school and today you spontaneously and appropriately asked for hug, help, outside, break, juice, and car while at school! Who would have thought it would happen so fast. You can now tell us when you are hungry, thirsty, when you want to go outside, and when you are simply done. We worked today on asking for tv and we are now using the iPad to label your alphabet and colors, you have actually started to learn the letters A and B and the color green. So much potential.

Linda and I swore today that you said something along the lines of "I didn't know you were...." this was as soon as Anna and Ellie walked into the house. We were surprised but this is happening more and more often. You have so much to say, once you start talking I'm not ever sure you will stop.

Tomorrow is native American day at school. Your native American name is 'screaming bull,' so fitting! Terry will be joining us and I am so excited to see you with your class. You also have a boys day out with Terry after school tomorrow - please behave!

Keep on trucking baby
You are my little side kick

Luv ya
Mom

Six Months!

I can hardly believe that today marks the six month mark for you coming home. Some days it feels like years that you have been here and I can hardly remember life without you. Other times it seems like just yesterday you were handed to me at the airport.

You are such an amazing little boy - full of energy, spirit, and life. You grow everyday and continue to amaze those around you. You find humor in the simple pleasures of life and I never see take a moment of life for granted. Your determination continues to grow and it continues to carry you through life. You have yet to not be able to master a skill placed in front of you (even through your stubbornness) and are so proud of yourself when you know you have accomplished it. Some of the simple tasks have become much easier. You know dress yourself, usually pretty quickly, you feed yourself independently, and you have found the joy in variety of foods. Your taste isn't bad either considering clam linguini was a favorite a few weeks ago :)

Its interesting to watch you. With many children the development is predictable, they learn skill "A" so next must be skill "B." With you on the other hand though "A" does not have to come first and one skill could actually open the door to 20 different skills. I know you have so much knowledge and are such a bright little boy, we just need to continue trying to find a way for you to communicate that. You are using your iPad extremely well so we will be adding more academics to it. This way you can start labeling more items and hopefully participating more in class. We will see what type of learning curve we are looking at. It just unbelievable when we see a glimpse of what you hold on to.

I watched you in kindergarten this week. No wonder you are exhausted. I am shocked you do as well as you do in that environment and that you thrive of of your peers. You hate to miss a moment of what they are doing. It was hilarious to see that every time you were given a choice of a reinforcer from your iPad you choose the activity the rest of the class was doing. For instance during morning table time you picked "crayons," during circle you picked "lets work," and right before recess you picked "I need a break." This obviously indicates not only your understanding of what is going on around you but also your use of and the power of your iPad and communication.

Technically, as of today, your paperwork can be filed in the courts to finalize our adoption. We just have to wait for one letter from Idaho that we will hopefully get this week and the paperwork will be turned into the courts by Friday! Once it is turned in we are estimating that by the end of February we will have notice from the judge that your adoption is FINAL :) This is huge for both of us. We will have a celebration as soon as everything is done and hopefully family will be able to make it. One of the small things I cannot wait on is finally having your legal name as Bryson James Murray.

Well baby, today is huge for us. It is a moment that marks a great deal of change, development, relationships, and life. We will continue to grow and I cannot wait to see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Keep on Truckin
Loves

I Thought I Lost You

For a few hours yesterday I thought I had lost you. Not physically, but instead mentally and emotionally. You had over three hours of behaviors at school and since they did not have a plan in place for this, you had no safety net. No way to control yourself. To bring yourself back under control or a comfort zone in order to know you were safe. I think that by the time you spiraled this far out of control it brought back memories of your past. A sense of being lost and just not knowing which way to turn next. Once I picked you up from school you completely shut down. You wouldn't talk, you had the look of a deer in headlights, and you were not processing directions that were given to you. It has been a long time since I have seen this, but we have. And from the past it usually takes you awhile to bounce back. Needless to say, it scared the you know what out of me. You have come so far, you are such a happy little boy, and are thriving, to see this side of you, to know there was nothing I could do, and to know you were just lost, it broke me as well.

You have so much from your past to work through. So many memories, experiences, visions, and emotions that no little boy should have to handle. You work so hard to make it through the day. You are asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow at night and I am dragging you out of the bed in the morning but very seldom does the smile leave your face. You babble stories at us all day, you engage in your environment, and you are just Bryson. But yesterday, this happiness disappeared. It was replaced with fear. You didn't have the fight in you.

This will happen. I know it will. I know it is harder on you then on me but I will say baby it kills me to watch you go through it. I know I can provide you unconditional love, comfort, and safety. I can provide you boundaries and expectations and a net for when you fall. You need to go through these emotions. You need to be allowed to experience and work through your past on your time. Whether it be a situation that causes the brief lapse or you choosing to take a moment, I know it will continue to happen.

I am looking to take you to a psychiatrist. Just someone to keep an eye and track these emotional stages in case you need more in the future.

Luckily, the phase was short. By late last night you started to bounce back and you had a wonderful day today. Not perfect at school but I don't expect perfection - I just expect you to try. Your play dates are going great. The facilitated ones on Thursdays and then also the random ones we have. Your play skills really are coming along and you just love your friends.

Your peers were a little jealous today when you brought in your iPAD. Even though we have had our moments over using this, as you are stubborn, I am seeing much better and spontaneous use of it after one week then I saw with PEC's. The categories are hard for you but this will get better the more you use it. I am actually kinda of hoping that it will also serve as a tool to help facilitate peer interaction at school since they will be interested in the device.

Okay baby. You know I love you - I wish I could say don't leave me again but I know you will need to check out again. That you will need to deal and that you will come back to me. Our bond continues to grow. We continue to discover or ourselves and our relationship and it is something that can never be broken.

Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom

Growing

Well, you continue to do extremely well in school much to my surprise. It was decided today not to remove you from the general education class, as long as you continue to hold it together, since behaviorally you do much better around your peers. You will still receive the extra hour of resource at the end of the day and hopefully behaviors will be better there since you will only be there once now.

Last weekend we saw Toy Story on Ice with Anna, Ellie, and Gavin and you did extremely well. Transitions seem to be sooo much easier then they used to be and new places or situations are better also. You don't seem to have the apprehension you used to and follow the lead of those around you. If other children are present then you really do imitate their actions and want to interact.

The biggest downfall we have now is your vocalizations. Since you are still not able to communicate all of your need, wants, comments, or frustrations, you are still using a lot of noises. When you are excited these noises get louder and are inappropriate for the situation and draw more attention. Your home team is working hard on decreasing these, or at least the volume of them, and when with me - we just don't allow them.

I do still see the emotional side to you. I think it will be years to work through your past and given that typically therapy would not help since you can't talk its going to be even longer. You have adjusted to new routines and people extremely well but I see a look in your eyes on occasion that lets me know its not all okay. I also think when you have that deer in a headlights look it is because you emotionally just lock up. If you feel that you are going to be in trouble or if you are unsure of how to handle the situation you decide to just shut down. This does lead to a great deal of frustration for me because it is skills I know you can do so I expect you to do it. It is hard for me to step back and accept that because of your past you sometimes need a little more space and a little more guidance.

Exciting news, you got an iPad on Sunday. We have put the "Tap To Talk" program on it and you are now using this as your communication device. The PEC's were just too behavioral as you hated giving the right picture, even though you knew the right picture so this way you do not have to hand anything over and you really can't play with the pictures. Of course car and candy you learned very fast but we are also working on "I need help" and "I'm all done." I would love to start using this in school also in about two weeks once you are a little more consistent and I think the general education teacher would be completely on board!

So, all is good right now. I love it when things get a little easier with each developmental milestone you go through. School should have the Behavior Plan for you by next week which is the next step and then hopefully everyone will be on the same page.

Love you baby

Week One Complete

By 6:30 tonight you were sound asleep. Granted some of this could have been your patch change but I think a great deal of this was that you are exhausted! You made it through week one of Kindergarten and overall did a wonderful job. It is very interesting, and exactly what I expected, that your behaviors in the general education classroom were much better then in the resource room. I know that you you learn from your peers and being in a room with 25 other children you are overall able to step up to the challenge. Not to say that you didn't have your tantrums here and there but compared to your behaviors the first week of preschool we are years beyond where we were 8 weeks ago.

I found myself today thinking back to April when I first met you. The little boy who was laughing at himself in the mirror at daycare, the little boy who had no fears, no language, and no social skills. The little boy who hit others while laughing to get their attention, no concept of boundaries, and no idea what was about to occur.

Then, a month later, I picked you up. You had no anxieties. You came to me with ease and showed no fear on the airplane. You swatted at Nancy and I on the way home. You ate so much food we thought you had been starved for days and then you started hoarding the crackers. And then, when we arrived home at midnight that night you didn't even think twice. Played with a few cars, took a nice long bath, and then curled up in your bed with me and fell fast asleep. You even slept until 9:00 am the next morning!

Now, you have fears, you have stranger anxiety (to an extent), you are very aware of change, and have a great deal more language. You fight learning new skills but in the end show us that you acquire skills rather quickly if you are motivated. We have had many of play dates, you know your friends, and the behaviors have decreased drastically. Not to say that you don't have your moments but you do not even look like the same child you did 5 months ago.

Looking at all this I wonder - I wonder if your biggest delays are due to the drug exposure to meth. I wonder if you had had intervention at the age of 3 (when removed from your biological home) would you be talking. And I wonder why all of your potential was not seen so long ago - by teachers, daycare workers, foster parents, etc. And I also wonder if I am doing what is right for you. If I choose the right battles to fight, if I push too little or too hard, and most of all if I all my love is enough for you to feel safe and secure.

I love you with all of my heart and love to see the smirk on your face. I know you are making progress but I just wonder if I am doing enough. If I should be doing something different or if I should be finding different options. I know you and I were made for each other. That your strong will and my stubburnness - we are the only two who could handle each other! We are able to laugh at each other. To regroup after a fight, and to curl up and just rock for hours. Tonight you fell asleep in my lap. You are not angry like you were when we first started school and therapy, you are just simply tired. You are pushed harder then any little one I know right now and you also push back just as hard. And to tell you the truth, I think you have a great deal of fun pushing back.

This weekend we will be laying low. Toy Story On Ice tomorrow night with Anna, Ellie, and Gavin and then no other plans. I have a feeling, for the first couple of weeks, weekends will be your time to sleep. Mommy is very excited about the potential of sleeping in until 9:00 am tomorrow (the 530 wake up calls for school are a bit much).

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love you
Mom

The Third First Day

Today was your first day of school for the third time this year! We first tried the private school for children with special needs that was supposed to be an inclusive environment. Then we tried the preschool with a private shadow for you, and now, finally, we are at the public school in a general education Kindergarten class! As I said in a previous post you have a combination of special education and general education hours (more time in general education) and yet again today you surprised us all. I know for a fact that your day today would not have been nearly as successful if we had not done the eight weeks at preschool. For now, I will call it the honeymoon period. Only one tantrum and one attempt to escape the building. No hitting, yelling, barking, throwing, or anything else. I am sure we will see some sorts of these behaviors by the end of the week but you know what? You showed them you could do it. You showed them that you are able to participate and interact and learn from your peers and teachers. It will be an uphill battle but we are off to the right start.

Tomorrow you will start therapy with Linda and we will fade out the naps this week. Of course, when I have you on the weekends you will still nap :)

The above picture is how you Independently dressed yourself after going potty tonight (that is a pair of pants, a long sleeve shirt, and underwear on top). At least it was not a four hour stand off - I am sure this picture will come in handy for blackmail when you are a little older but for today a great ending to a wonderful day!

Love you babes and keep on truckin'

Mom

Look At The Change

I love to do this every now and then. To look at a recent picture of you and compare it to a previous picture and see how much you have grown and developed. The current picture of you is not one of your best but does show the great deal of physical change you have undergone.

Past Due

I will be honest - I needed this time to think, regroup, and really know where my thoughts were before I could write to you. It has been way to long since I have updated you on what's going on in life baby but as you will soon read, it has been hectic to say the least. I am not even sure where to begin - you continue to surprise me everyday. Your growth and development is shocking and I often times have to step back and realize you still need room to grow. That you still need to be allowed to be a 2 or 3 year old and that we cannot skip these milestones or you will always struggle socially and emotionally. This post will be a longer one but I will break it down to catch you up.


School
This has been the most time consuming and most stressful on Mommy for the past four weeks. You made strides everyday at preschool. Making more transitions on your own and developing friendships and relationships that helped push you forward. With this though, you are going through your terrible two's. You throw items, on occasion hit your friends, and throw tantrums over the small things. As much as the director said she wanted you stay and that were were constantly moving in the right direction, I could not continue to wonder when would be the day you crossed the line. When would be the day you screamed to loud or throw a toy at somebody and hurt them. For this reason I started to fight the public schools system to see what our placement options were. As I have always said, I would not place you in a self-contained classroom, at this time, because you have not had the opportunity yet in a less-restrictive environment. Additionally, you do so much incidental learning from your peers that we cannot recreate in a more structured environment. After ten hours of meetings we did make head way and Loudoun County schools and I have agreed upon an educational program for you. For this reason today was your last day at preschool - one of the hardest things I have had to do yet - and on Monday you will start Kindergarten. As I told many of the other parents if it was not for the last eight weeks at preschool you would not be ready. You have grown so much over these two months I know you will be okay in the new environment. You will definitely test your boundaries, throw your tantrums, and try to get others to do for you what you know you can, but I also know you will be pushed on a different level and that we had to do this. This will also offer mommy the opportunity for more support in the home which is vital right now. As hard as it was to give up all the friends you have made I can only hope we will keep some of those friendships and continue to see the children outside of school and that you will continue to make friends at your new school. Time will only tell and I pray that we are both ready for the roller coaster ride we are yet again getting ready to go on!

Therapy
Things are about to change. With starting the new school I will also be increasing your home therapy hours. I am trying to find the program balance that will meet all of your needs and not only overlap on skills but also assign certain skills to certain therapists. You will have Linda three days per week for two hours and her concentration will be social, emotional, and play. I am hoping we will have play dates every thursday afternoon and she will facilitate these. Then, you will continue to have Brittany on Wednesday afternoons and also have aquatic therapy on wednesdays (as long as you stop drinking the water), and then on Fridays you will have Teresa. Hopefully, in November I can add a therapist on the weekends for you but I LOVE having my weekend time with you. With school being four hours a day now and then therapy five days a week I am hoping we will find the balance we are looking for.

Stubborn
Oh, there are no words to describe your persistence and how stubborn you are. This is a quality that will carry you far in the future and one that I have no room to talk on as I tend to be this way too, but let me tell you, we are going to have quite a few battles before it is all said and done. One of our newest focuses is having you independently complete the potty routine (take off pants, go potty, put pants back on, and exit bathroom). You are not happy about this. You want someone standing in the bathroom with you and telling you what to do. For this reason I decided I was no longer going to tell you and just wait you out. That you know what you are supposed to do so I would just wait for you to do it. Umm.... needless to say, you are build to of steel. At 8:15 p.m I sent you up to go potty and you stood in front of the toilet, rocking back and forth, until MIDNIGHT!!!! Finally, after almost four hours and mommy staying completely silent and just checking in every few minutes, you went potty. Huge victory for both of us. Mommy for not getting angry at how long it took and yelling and you for letting down one of your small walls. But seriously baby, did it really need to take four hours because then we have to get up two hours early in the morning in order to allow you time to complete all of your routines.

Medication
We have had much success with the Clonidine patch. You were on Clonidine in pill form for awhile but the dosage with hard to judge and you had a lot of ups and downs since it did not build up in your system and we had to start from scratch every morning. So, about a month ago we switched you to Clonidine in the patch form and after you sleep for the first 12 hours we have so much more consistency and you are extremely happy. It still allows you to be who you are and talk and play and be active but it just takes the stress and tension out of your body. I have to tape the patch around your arm so you cannot pull it off but other then that we are excited with what we have seen and only hope for this to continue.

Mountain Weekend
We had a GREAT time with Dave and his family at his parents house in the mountains. It was wonderful to walk into an environment where even though everyone did not know what to expect from you (to include me) but to accept you for who you are, not question your behaviors, and have the patience for you to settle in and find your own at their house. I am starting to realize you are more typical then we all like to give you credit for. You love riding the tractor, playing with the dogs, and just relaxing around the house. Oh, and did I mention you ate as if no one had ever fed you before! You loved the home cooking to include eating four pancakes, two sausage links, and bacon one morning after you had already eaten oatmeal. Hmmm.. Maybe I should cook for you a little more but it just wouldn't taste the same!

Maturity

I watched you mature this weekend. To hold your head a little higher, pull your shoulders back, and start to find your voice a little more. Each days is always a new adventure for you and I - not only new growing pains but also much success. It has so hard to remember you have only been home for four months but this weekend you seemed to grow and mature like I have not seen before. I am not quite sure how to describe it but you are also much happier. You have settled into routine a little more, are able to make more choices, and are discovering that you do have a say in what happens in your daily life. I am trying to find areas I can give you freedom and allow you to continue to grow without allowing you to spiral backwards.

Preschool is still a never ending roller coaster for us. I hold my breath everyday when I pick you up, praying that it has been a good day for you and that you didn't have any tantrums but also knowing that I have to have realistic expectations given this is only the end of week three. I worry that the school is going to tell us it is not working out and I am not sure what we will do at that point. I know they do not see the huge gains you made this week. That you were able to sit in circle, rotate a few times each day without your shadow, and most of all the relationship you are building with your peers. We pulled up to school earlier this week and me, being the "non preschool" mom took you up to the top of the hill to wait for the doors to be unlocked when I knew your classmates were at the bottom of the hill (I was hoping not to make small talk). But then, Aiden and Amy came running up the hill and asked you to play and the three of you ran down the hilling laughing. It was amazing to see and a huge moment to realize that you trust these children, you want to be there, and they want to play with you. We will keep on pushing and I will fight as hard as I can to keep you in that preschool and I know Linda will fight for you also!

Tomorrow I have your IEP meeting with Loudoun County Public Schools. I know this will not go as I had planned for it and that we are probably going to lose all services. They say that since I am home schooling you they only have to provide the minimum for related services (which is basically nothing) and since it would be such a short time and more transitions for you and more inconsistency, I will be denying all services and we can look at it again next year. You are making improvements in all areas across the board and after watching you this week to start to settle in and finally know you are safe and you are home, I cannot add another change right now (this might change if you get kicked out of preschool though!)

Finally, some of your newest accomplishments:
Peeing Standing Up!!!! This is huge as I have been trying to convience you this is much easier for a long time, but of course, it had to be on your terms and you have finally decided it is time
Putting on your socks - You are now able to put on both socks, up to your heels independently
Putting on your shoes - as long as I untie them you can put both shoes on independently
Language is still growing daily and one of your new words is : "TEACHER!" - gotta get attention at school somehow

Love you baby and can't see what you have in store next
Mom

Mommy Had to Swallow Her Pride

We have had a rough 24 hours. Your birthday celebration on Saturday was wonderful and then on Sunday morning, for the first time ever, we got up and you went to Sunday School. You did great and had a great morning but then everything started to spiral downhill. I am not sure what it set off. If mommy was being stubborn, if you were being stubborn or if we both just needed to take a deep breath but I will say we both hit a wall and it took us until 900 tonight to get back on track. Over 24 hours is a long time for you and I and to be at the end of our ropes and it carries over everywhere we go. For you it carries over to school, the nanny, your friends, and even just going to the grocery store. For me it carries over to friends, family, and work. We are both stubborn as hell and neither of us like to one, admit it, and two, be the first to throw in the flag to start over. Im usually head strong in that I will not be the one to step back, that I am the adult and I have to finish the battle and be the one to win, but I knew that was not going to happen this time. Some of your antics over the last two days include:

- Going to the bathroom but not taking your pants off (thus soaking through your pants)
- Pulling everything out of your closet and into your bed with you
- Throwing yourself down the stairs
- Dumping your plate of food at dinner the last two nights
- Tantrums, including screaming at the top of your lungs, out in public
- Hitting, kicking, screaming, at anyone who will listen
- Standing in front of your book bag with hands on it for 45 minutes because you were determined not to take it off the hook
- Standing in one spot for three hours because you did not want to use your words and talk
- Putting on your socks when asked (mind you takes 20 minutes) and then promptly taking them off again so we can't go and doing this for 2 hours straight
- Chewing a hole in your long sleeve shirt

And the list goes on. You also gave Tonya, the nanny, a run for her money tonight including barking for four hours straight. She even said if she did love us this much she would not come back - but you can't get rid of her yet! So, mommy had to swallow her pride tonight and after Tonya left go over the chair I had placed you in earlier and just let you curl up on my lap and hold you. Rock you back and forth and just allow you to to be held and to let yet another wall down, for both of us. You have had so many changes the last two weeks, so many new demands, places, people, etc.. that we are at a whole new level of testing and a whole new level of getting to know you. Deciding who you can trust, trying to see if you can run people off and getting lost in all the antics. If you could just take a deep breath and realize you can grow with the world and do not have to fight it life would be so much easier. I know in years time it will get easier, that hopefully the reactive attachment you show so strongly at times will fade and that I need to take more moments to just hold you. You didn't want to let you, you held my shirt, let me rock you and didn't make a sound. You fell fast asleep and I am sure are exhausted. I love you with all my heart and can't wait to see everything that is growing inside of you.

Additionally, today marks four months for you being home. It is hard to remember life before you came home and seems like is has been so much longer. When you realize it has ONLY been four months your growth is amazing and truly a testiment for the little boy you are and man you will become. You and I are continuing to grow everyday and I love to watch you wake up every morning not to know what to expect - trust me, every morning is a new adventure with you!

Love you Baby
Mom

Before is a picture from five months ago when I first meet you (before I brought you home) and then a picture from your party this weekend)

Birthday Boy

How wonderful it is to see the look on your eyes when you woke up from your nap on Saturday and found a present on the kitchen table and a cake on the island. Now, we are not sure what you have known for celebrations from your past, what sense of a party you have, or how you were going to respond to our small party on Sunday but you did amazing.

You obviously knew what presents were. You ran to the kitchen table, touched the gift, and said "what's that?" with a smile on your face. I just laughed and told you to just wait until later more was to come. As soon as someone walked in the door you tried to rip the present from their hands - just to be told again, "just wait!" Easier said then done for you! You loved having a few friends here (Anna, Ellie, Gavin, Joaquin, and Micheala) and played for four hours with them downstairs, upstairs, and anywhere in between. Finally, it was present time! I got you the Leapster Explorer (I am hoping you will grow into this), Sally and the little ones got you a game for the Explorer, Nancy gave you blocks and a puzzle, and Joaquin and family gave you Operation the game and a basketball hoop. I think you favorite of the evening was the basketball hoop which was a great surprise to see!

You really did a great job, I know you knew the party was for you, clapped as we sang you Happy Birthday and gave your best attempt at blowing out the birthday candles. All and all a great evening with friends and family and I look forward to many more of these celebrations. Your actual birthday is tomorrow so one more day of celebrations at school.

Love you Baby

Just How Hard You Work

Its amazing the strength and endurance a child with special needs must have in order to enjoy the simplest pleasures in life. This is not about feeling sorry for a child with special needs but instead bringing attention to those who may not understand. Who look at a child with special needs and wonder why they might be agitated, annoyed that they are having yet another tantrum, or feel that they just don't belong in a class or program because of their disability. This is not to say that a typically developing child has an easy life. That they are not tired also and try very hard every day but a child with special needs should be recognized for their determination and hard work to just enjoy day to day living.

I feel that I sit in a unique situation. I am not only raising you, a child with special needs, but also work with children with special needs on a daily basis. I see a wide range of children varying in ages and disabilities and the one thing you all have in common is that you put so much into life so you can enjoy certain moments. So that you can say your first word at any age, follow a one step direction, or do your first math problem. There are no predictions, no conclusions, and certainly, no promises. Everything has to be on your time and sometimes you do not even realize how great of an accomplishment it is.

I wish there was a way to explain to everyone just how hard you, and many others, work. Just what it takes to be in your head for a day, in your life, and walking in your shoes. Unfortunately, I do not even realize exactly what this is like but I see it in you, and many of the other children I encounter. You give me determination and remind me daily not to take for granted what comes so easily to all of us.

This week watching you at preschool and around many other children your age I realize where all of your delays are. Where we need to push to make up ground and where you are trying so hard to just fit in. I have come to a whole new level of acceptance and have grown with you this week on your new adventures.

Where most children have free time before preschool starts in the morning and can relax and watch cartoons, we are getting up early so you can learn how to dress yourself independently. Where as most children can relax and play with their friends before or after school you are either on your way from or on your way to another therapy session. On top of your 15 hour school week we also fit in another six hours of services such as speech, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and behavioral therapy. This does not include your home school program and one on on time that you and I spend working on skills also.

Nothing is ever just play. We are always working on language, requesting, sharing, imitation, etc... We are always trying to find teaching moments and pushing you to the next level. Your day is never ending. You are exhausted and you will be for a very long time. On top of this we still have to fit in aquatic therapy, doctors appointments, and swim lessons. We need to find activities that allow you to be more of a typical six year old but that is hard when to do those activities you will need even more work and practice.

You are extremely happy though. You never stop smiling and laughing (unless you are being counted... Bryson James... 1..2..) You can not imagine your life any other way and that you are growing and developing everyday. It is not fair that you have your disabilities, that some of these might have been prevented, but you would never know that looking at your face. You have taught me so much and I hate that fact that you have to work so hard to enjoy daily moments but these are moments that will never be forgotten.

I admire you and am so proud of you for all your accomplishments and hard work. You are an inspiration and model for others

Love you baby
Mom

P.S. Picture of you is sound asleep in the car at 8:30 in the morning after you OT appointment and on your way to preschool.

First Day Of School

Wow, you made it! Surprisingly a little better then I expected also. You had one tantrum when you arrived, just plain and simply didn't want to sit and a few moments throughout the day when you took a little longer the rest of the class to decide to you wanted to participate in the activity but overall a very successful first day. You also did not want to do circle but I think that will all change and the demands will only get a little harder on you each day. Its all or nothing now little one and we are going for the positive side of that!

I am guessing today was also exhausting for you as from the pictures above you can see your happy smiling face before and then you passed out sitting up in bed only five minutes after we got home! Overload I am sure but it will all settle in. Keep on going baby - good things are a comin'

Love you

You Can't Fly

As many times as I tell you, "you can't fly," you do not seem to understand. Tonight, both feet went out from under you and you tumbled, very hard, down the stairs. It is never good when you are silent and you were. Your back is bruised, pretty bad, and the side of your face (behind your ear and on your neck). I don't know what to do about your balance in these situations. I know you don't do it on purpose but you are seriously going to hurt yourself. Additionally, I hate to tell you baby, but it does not look good when you walk around with bruises like this! You start school on Tuesday and will be black and blue, which will go pretty with the black eye that you woke up with two days ago. All we can do for now is tell you, "you can't fly!"

Saturday night we watched Happy Feet with Nancy and Terry. You really liked the movie and you also liked curling up on all of our laps. You rotated between Terry, Nancy, and myself - sitting on our laps having your back or head rubbed. At one point I looked over and wondered if you ever had this opportunity before. Whether it be in your biological home or foster home, if you ever had the opportunity to be loved by more then one person in the room and just feel safe in the arms of another. You were so comfortable and relaxed and it was amazing to see. Your trust in people, no matter your past, is unbelievable.

You are now fast asleep, ice on your head, tylenol in your system. I love you baby, one more day until you start preschool - hopefully tomorrow will be uneventful!

Mom

Vacation

A very nice surprise last weekend - we got to go the beach. Nancy and Terry had us down to the beach house Sunday through Tuesday. I THOUGHT you would love the beach and the water since you love the pool. Needless to say though, not your favorite time. The sand did not bother you but I think it was the heat. Being around 100* both days you were just exhausted, plus working on your clean out process, and also still adjusting to the ADHD medication. It was nice though to spend some time with Nancy and Terry away from home, to sit out in the sun, and just get away from our daily routine.

There were moments when you would run in and out of the water and you did find amusement in chasing the birds along the beach! The first day after two hours of sitting and just watching you played for about two hours but on the second day after only about an hour you fell fast asleep on the beach under the umbrella. This lasted about an hour before you were suddenly awoken because high tide had come up and actually covered you! I guess we need to be a little more careful with this next time :)

Tuesday you start preschool - fingers are crossed this will be a good experience. I know you can do, we all know you can do it. It is just a matter of whether or not you decide to do it. You will have to follow the rules and play nice with others. You will have a shadow there to help you which the school is happy about and they are very open to having you in the class, that is, if you do not cause to much of a disruption. I am hoping after the first week, when you realize your tantrums will not get you anything, you will settle in and fall right in line with the other 18 children who are in your class.

Your birthday is next week. It is hard to believe you will be six. We will do a small family celebration but will have your party in October after you have a chance to settle into school so we can invite some friends (hopefully you will have made some :)

Love you baby
Mom

Doctors, Answers, and Still More Questions

We made it! Numerous doctors appointments in a very short period of time and here are some conclusions and yet still more questions:

Neurologist: The ADHD medication was a miracle pill until he stopped working. The results were absolutely amazing and so much more then we ever expected. You were able to sit, listen, work, show interest in numerous activities other then cars, and most of all, TALK! You started using three and four word sentences paired with your pictures (since you were actually able to sit and look at your pictures). You were saying things such as "I want car," "I want candy," and of course, your favorite, "I want chocolate!" When the tenex stopped working we went right back to the neurologist - it wasn't fair to you, a door had been openend and I could not let it close that easily. You are now on Clonidine and even though you needa higher dose, it is working miracles again. I love to hear you talking and everyone loves that you are able to see the world that is going on around you. You face lights as you are proud of yourself and all your new accomplishments. Hopefully the Clonidine will continue to work and we will not have to go back to drawing board. And how can I forget, THE BARKING HAS STOPPED!!!! Never thought ADHD could help with this but there seems to be a direct correlation, you no longer think you are a puppy!!!

GI doctor: Not the most pleasant of news. You have actually been constipated all this time and she suspects it has been this way for years!!! Oh, how I feel pain for you even though you have never indicated your stomach was upset. Your tolerance for pain is unbelievable. Many children develop constipation around potty training and since so much of your abuse we think was around potty training years ago we think the issue actually started way back then. One of the more severe cases the doctor has seen in awhile. So, this weekend we are working on fixing this, I don't think anymore details are needed here! It will be very interesting to see how your mood and gait change once we have this under control. I know I would not be nearly as happy of camper as you are so I am sure you will even be happier (if that is possible).

Opthmologist: your vision is perfect - no reason to be looking out the sides of your eyes other then just being you!

Audiologist: Again - Perfect! We never doubted this, just needed to make sure

Orthopedist: We had your casting done and your orthotics should be ready at the end of September.

I am sure there is much more to come but this was huge. I am not starting the IEP process for Loudoun County Public Schools. Even though I am claiming home schooling this year and placing you in a preschool program, I want you to receive related services through the county and start to get to know the teachers where you will go next year. Hopefully we will get speech, OT, and PT at least one time per week.

Wednesday your new nanny starts. Its going to be interesting as I am sure you will test her just like you do everyone else. Hopefully though you are learning that this does not need to last long and we will continue to move forward.

After are short three months together I want to do more for children in the foster care system. So much what I have done for you now is not beyond any parents ability and provide opportunities for growth and ruling out other factors that may influence behaviors. I am not sure where I can do this but I am starting to look into it. Maybe being a guardian et liatem (the Barneby's really turned me on to this) but with work and raising you I do not have time for this. Even just working with local social work agencies on education programs for foster parents to help. Issues such as constipation going on for as long as we think you had it could be solved so much sooner if parents knew more subtle signs are had expectations to rule out diagnosis when children come into care. Additionally the information would be vital to any parent looking to adopt the child so they can make sure they have right resources in place before bringing their forever child home.

Life has its way of throwing curve balls and you seem to keep swining for the fences. Don't slow down baby because great things are still to come and your entire world has started to open up. In just a few short weeks we will celebrate your 6th birthday and four months of being home....

Love you baby

Changes A Comin'

Hey Baby

We definitely have our ups and downs. You decided this weekend would be another week to test mommy, maybe you knew the nanny was out of town or maybe it is just another wall coming down but you decided to test all weekend again. We made it though, the battles are much shorter, the days you test are further and further apart, and overall the changes keep on coming.

I don't know the best way to help you work through your past. To find a balance in life and to give you an outlet instead of us having our arguments. I am always looking for different activities for you hoping that keeping you busy will limit it but I also know that is not the long term solution. Some people say that play therapy might be a good way for you to work through some of the trauma of your past. It is so hard with your limited language to know and since no one even knows exactly what the trauma was it makes it even harder. I am sure you will be working through your past for the rest of your life, and, as time goes on, working through the ups and downs that you and I are having. I have been saying the last two weeks that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have done so well, even with the tantrums, that one day everything will crash. This will be a step forward though, it will be a step in working through your trauma, a step in accepting your new life, and a a leap in to making progress for the future.

A week ago today after your bath time I turned to you and said "I love you" and for the first time, standing there in the hallway, bright eyed and curious you said "Wuv ew!" My heart dropped! Leaps and bounds from where you were three months ago and I know our bond is forever forming.

I had to pull you out of the private special education preschool. You were coming home with unexplained bruises and behaviors were going downhill way to fast. They were reinforcing all of your inappropriate behaviors and very little attention was being given for your appropriate ones. The final straw though was your back being bruised and scratched in multiple places and the school not knowing how it happened. You were the only student with at least four adults, how can they not know when you were injured!

We are already looking forward though - your typical preschool will start in just a few short weeks, your new nanny starts in two weeks, and hopefully we can find a few other fun activities for you. I am working on finding someone to work on running with you - you love to do it, I just have the motivation to do it with you and don't want to make it aversive. I have learned that I should not try to actually teach you anything but instead let someone else teach you and I will just practice it :)

Keep on Trucking Baby because more changes are a comin'

I love you

Neurologist

One doctors appointment down, only four more to go. We did start to get a few answers today. The neurologist feels that you definitely have some ADHD going on - this did not take much to talk him into since he danced around his office the entire time banging on the bed, getting on and off the bed, hitting the walls, pushing the step stool like a scooter, and shooting the imaginary aliens behind the bench. You put on a show for him and he did decide medication might not be a bad idea :) We started Tenex today. Its all a game at this point of finding the right medication and the right dose but hopefully we are off to a good start. My goal is just to calm your jets a little so that you can focus a little more. You have made so much progress even with bouncing off the walls, imagine if you could sit still for longer then 1 minute! I am also very pleased that the Neurologist did not mention any other disabilities at this time. What it really boils down to is your past and yes, you have cognitive delays and speech and language delays but we all know you are capable of catching up and other then ADHD no label is needed right now.

Your language is continuing to come. Lately we have heard "on," "off," "up," and "open" spontaneously in different environments. You are also imitating "cracker," "monkey," "chicken," "bread," "pizza," "apple," "go away," "spongebob squarepants," "my buddy," "popcorn," "ride,"and much more. For some reason you do not want to say people's names but I am not going to complain. I love to hear your voice - especially when you try to sing it!

Music is in your bones - you have rhythm - I have none so don't be looking at me for guidance on this one. As soon as your imitation skills are strong enough I will find someone who will work with you. I am sure you will love the drums or something similar. Additionally I am looking for someone to work with you on running. All little boys have their sports, you are not ready for team play so I am trying to find individual sports you can excel in and can challenge you. Swimming will come, you are not quite ready for lessons in this area but running I think you will love. Hell, you try to run away from me enough, you might as well get good at it.

I love you baby

Mom

Family Day :)

I am the one tired now. We went with Nancy and Terry for a long bike ride today. We started in Georgetown, biked around to Alexandria and then biked back to Georgetown. We left the house at 11:00 and did not get home until 6:00 pm. A great time was had by all but I will say having an extra 50 pounds attached to the back of the bike makes things a little more difficult. I kept asking you to learn forward going up hill but this did not make much sense to you!!! You absolutely love bike rides though and I am hoping to get you out more often. We are still working on you riding a bike by yourself but it will be awhile before you can do the the 16 miles we did today.

This was the first time we have been able to do a family day with Nancy and Terry. Your love for them and their love for your is amazing! We are so blessed to have them part of our lives and their unconditional love and support has helped us more then you can imagine and I am sure will continue to get us through not only our rough times but your cheering squad as you continue to grow.

Today was also the three year anniversary of your Grandmothers passing. You never had the honor of meeting my mom, your grandmother, but she would have loved you from the moment she laid eyes on you. I will explain the whole adoption journey to you one day but before she passed away I had started the process and she was my biggest supporter and also my strongest shoulder. Even though she was never able to meet you I know she played a role, in some way, of you and I finding each other (even it if was her way of paybacks :). When she passed away I told everyone that she became my wings and would continue to support me through life's daily hurdles. There is not doubt in my mind that she is watching from above, not only laughing at great amusement from our adventures, but also keeping an eye on you and I. She will always be our guardian angel.

You are headed back to school tomorrow. I am hesitant and not really thrilled by your first week in the school but we will see how week number two goes and then make a decision for the rest of August. Hopefully as they get to know you better and you settle in things will get better but I have to keep your emotional and mental state in mind also. You can only make so much progress so fast.

Keep on Trucking Baby

Love you
Mom

Your Tired

Plain and simple, you are tired. I think you are emotionally, physically, and mentally burnt out but you keep on going. You are hanging in there and even with a tough transition at school this morning, not to sure you were happy to be there, you put yourself back together and started your routine there. Little do you know things are about to be stepped up again. In the next two weeks you have a neurologist, opthamologist, audiologist, GI, and dentist appointment with sedation. Hopefully this will provide us with a little more insight to what makes you tick and where we need to focus our attention first. Your a trooper though, I'm sure you will pull through - and I will wait to tell you that also the week of the 16th you will be going to school five days all day for a week. Just another little push to keep you moving in the right direction.

We went with Melissa yesterday to build a bear. You choose to make a Monkey and then we put the Jonas Brothers sound chip in it. You are in heaven. You have carried the monkey everywhere pushing his hand to hear the 20 second clips over and over again. It is the simple things in life right now and we need to take the time to cherish these.

Love you baby

Mom

Mourning

Sometimes I wonder if you mourn the life you left behind. I know this might not make sense but I think I, and others, forget how much has changed for you and how much you lost and gained in the past few months. I am not always reminded of this until I read posts from other families who have adopted, mostly international adoption.

I need to remember that your adoption is no different. Just as children who are adopted internationally, your life was turned upside down and sideways. You left behind a comfort zone and you entered a whole new world. With your delays in communication and cognition no one could explain to you that you would never be returning to Idaho. That you were leaving your foster family you had been with for two years, your special education school, and your daycare behind. Additionally, you were leaving behind the other children in your foster home. In two years this had become your routine, your family, and your life, just as children in an orphanage do. You had learned self soothing techniques, how to manipulate the system, and living a life that you were not always the center of attention. Learned helplessness served you well and let you receive the attention you so desperately needed.

Now, we sit here and I have to remind myself of your past and how this impacts you today. I work very hard on myself and others not accepting your behaviors due to your past but it does not mean that we cannot understand. You have gone from not receiving one on one attention to almost 90% of your day being one on one attention. Where you have to talk or use pictures to communicate, you cannot yell or scream, you cannot make inappropriate sounds, and you have to socialize. Whether it be children or adults you are around people where emotionally, physically, and mentally, you are required to engage yourself most of your day. This is so different from you past. I know you are tired, burnt out, and wondering when this will all end. Additionally, I know you also wonder if this is your final home, if you will be moved again, or who will be the next person to impact your life.

I don't know how to ease these pains for you, to make growing up a little easier, or to make sense of the world around you. I just know that you are an amazing little boy who strives to live each day to the fullest.

I was reminded of all this over the weekend when we were over at a friends house with other adults. You ran by somebody and bumped into them, nobody else was in the room. I looked up at him and apologized for your behavior and he looked at me and simply said "never apologize for your son." I started to argue this and he quickly reminded me that nobody else will accept you for who you are and the young boy you are becoming if I do not let them know you for who you are and let you just be you. That I need to relax and enjoy the time and know that my friends will accept you and love you and no apologizes are needed.

Oh Me Oh My

Boy how time flies... I need to get better at shorter updates to you more often instead of these longer ones.

Lets start with Preschool. You started on Monday at Open Doors To Learning in Leesburg (the school based upon ABA therapy). Upon pick up when asked how your day was they simply said you are a "handful" - never a good first impression baby! From what I was told you barked for eight hours straight, ran around the entire time, and threw a tantrum when you were asked to talk - hmmm.. not liking the demands much. You crashed when you got home but woke up an hour later sobbing. I think it was just a huge change for you and better we make it now then later.

Tuesday though you were talking up a storm. We heard "bead," "puzzle," "up," "down," "my buddy," "car," "thank you," "ride," "apple," "pizza," and a few others. Absolutely amazed! Your use of PEC's is hit or miss. If you are looking and trying you are spot on and can discriminate a few pictures at a time otherwise it is rough but with consistency at school and home I know we will make vast improvement this month. My goal is that you are somewhat independent with this by fall so you will have a little more communication in the typical preschool program you will be attending.

Today, school said you did much better. It is obvious they still have no clue what you capable of. They were impressed you could say "high five" I will let them think this is new and be just as amazed with you as we are but hopefully they will start to push you harder soon. You need more behavioral structure there. You are now barking at home a little again and other loud vocalizations we had already seen decrease. I am thinking they are just getting to know you this week and by next week a better plan will be in place.

Well, I always talk about progress or frustrations but I want to tell you who you are today. You are a beautiful little boy who grabs the hearts of those he meets. If people do not know you are adopted they never question you could be my son, we look enough alike. You still love your cars but also you are now interested in space crafts, books, duplo blocks, coloring, skateboards, learning to ride your bike, the playground, pool, and much more. Your favorite activity I think is playing with Anna and Ellie down the street and just being around other people. You and I love to play "fetch" together. You have trouble throwing the ball so it is more me throwing, you running after it, and then bringing it back to me to do over and over again - yes, the game of "fetch."

You are stubborn as hell. Through all our fights I think you have waited me out longer and I think I can honestly say you are more stubborn then me which is hard to do. With this though comes determination and persistence and this is what has helped you grow so much. You read people by looking at their facial expressions and have a pretty good idea of those you can trust and those you tend to shy away from. Overall, as scary as it seems, you are a typical little boy! You might be going through developmental milestones of a 2 or 3 year old but you are just a little boy living life and from what I can see loving it. Through all our fights, all our battles, and all our moments, we continue to build a stronger and stronger bond that cannot be broken. You are my little boy, my little sped, and my forever child. It doesn't happen over night, we are on this journey together and we have both grown so much in such a short time. We both step back and look at each other sometimes, trust me, we both do it, and realize how far we have come and how much we still have to learn.

Keep on Trucking Baby

Luv ya

Picture of your first day at school

Deep Breath

Bryson,

I love you with all my heart. I cannot imagine my life without and I know you are meant to be my child. There are times though when I need to take a deep breath. When I need to shut the door behind me and take a moment before I walk back in to finish the task. The is normal though... I know all parents go through this. I know it is bonding, it is emotions, and it is pure and simple parenting.

Things week Jenny has been in town with Shelby, Donald, and Taylor. You have definitely tested all the boundries to include taking off your diaper at nap time and urinating all over your room. You are hitting, yelling, kicking, urinating, and just plain and simple pushing every button you can. Its never a good thing when I pull over on the road, pull you out of the car, and put you in time out behind the car because you are yelling at me and hitting and kicking my seat. We an only go up from here right? Well, one would think but you still needed to push a little further and decided to urinate in your bedroom three times within two hours. We will get there - I know we will but that was our low point this week.

I wonder what is going through your little head though. Do you think these other children are staying? Is it to off schedule for you to follow? Do you just like to simply push the buttons?

Many people have mentioned to pick and choose my battles - My question to them is which battles would you give up on? You eventually live up to every expectation I set for you. You realize boundries and even though you test them, you strive off of them. You potty trained in less then a month, you play appropriately with toys, you use some of your pictures to communicate, you come when called, you listen to instruction, and you know when you are trouble. If I start to choose what battles to pick then I know you will play the system.

"Learned Helplessness" has served you well for so long it will take us years to break this cycle.

We are so excited though Bryson. On Monday you will start school. You will only go to this school for the month of August on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays from 830-330. This school is based upon ABA therapy and actually you are the only student registered for August so you will receive one on one therapy. This is wonderful and I think will be the push you need to continue moving forward. In September you will go to a typical preschool at Sterling United Methodist Church with a shadow. Again, this will be huge for you. The strides will continue to come.

I worry about your emotional status as we push so much socially and academically and you make so much progress. We will battle this hurdle when it comes but for now keep on truckin baby


Love you more then all the sand in all the world

Mom

By the way - the above picture is when you finally gave in the other night and went to sleep

Frustration

It is now 930 pm. You have been downstairs sitting in the foyer since 645 pm. The demand is simple... put on your underwear and shorts... your answer is simple - no! I am determined to wait you out on this. I am trying not to show emotion, trying not to let you know how frustrated I am and how much I am tired of these games.

You are so used to acting as if you do not know what is going on or acting as if you do not know how to complete the task getting you out of actually doing something that you are fighting with every ounce of power you have to not give in to this. You do not want to do it yourself and I am sure you do not understand why but I do not care. I know how smart you are, how capable you are of completing these tasks and how stubborn you can be.

I am angry that it is over 2.5 hours later and we are still at it. That it will probably be a few more hours before we are done and then we will start all over again tomorrow morning when you have to get dressed for the day. Little do you know as soon as you get dressed now I will be telling you to take it all off so you can take a bath.

I realize it is going to take months if not years to break how stubborn you are. To take the fight out of you and for you to turn over what ever last little bit of fight you have. You have made so much progress but acting as if you do not know what is going on is unacceptable to me. I just will not tolerate it. Keep sitting down there baby - you might just fall asleep down there but one thing I do know is some of the battles I have to win too

Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You

Yes, Yes you can and you can make a whole bunch of other sounds too.

You can click and you can clock
You can beep and you can bop
You can snort and you can plop
You can sigh and you can cry

You find ways to bark, with great pride and joy
Followed by head shaking with fun and amusement
You stand on chairs and sit on stairs
Pushing buttons with persistence

You continue to hold up the hoops you want everyone to jump through. You have not quite discovered yet that we will all make it through the hoops, even the ones that are on fire. It is hard for us all to remember sometimes that you probably have more persistence and determination then all of us and if you decide to hold up another hoop then we are all going to have to wait a little longer. I have learned and finally come to the realization lately that there are certain battles I am not going to win. So you don't pee standing up, you won't let me help you swim in the pool, and you like to make bee-bopping noises into walls. I guess I need to let you hold onto these small things - to realize that you will let me hold you and rub your head as you go to sleep at night, you will let me read you a books, and you love to share your crayons with me. You are officially potty trained at this point and you are eating full three meals a day (umm.. and let me just say that three full meals a day does not help the malabsorption problem so thank God you are potty trained!)

When we started potty training I told you I would buy you fish when you completed this task. I am not sure if you understood this promise but being true to my word, I took you out on Sunday and we bought three little fish and a tank. You spontaneously said "Fsh" and we decided to name them "one," "two," and "three" because we knew you could then call them by name :) Well, needless to say mommy does not know a whole lot about fishes and they only survived about 10 minutes after coming home. We did get one picture of your interest in them and I will be off to buy you "four," "five," and "six" later this week.

Love you Baby

My Little SPED

Some people might be a little put off by my nickname for you - but it truly is an endearing term and makes me smile every time I think about it. You are my little SPED and always will be. You amuse everyday with your antics and even through my great frustration sometimes I look back at all we are doing. In the short nine weeks you have been home you have earned yourself.....

- An appointment for sedation at the dentist to get a cavity filled and your teeth cleaned
- Orthotics for your feet and ankles
- Appointment with an audiologist
- 10 hours a week of ABA therapy
- A five day a week spot in a preschool with a shadow in the fall
- An appointment with an Pediatric GI doctor - I was told this week you have a malabsorption problem and need further eval
- Waiting lists for PT's, OT's, and speech therapists
- Aquatic Therapy once per week
- Adaptive sports camp once per week
- An appointment with a neurologist

And I am sure the list will go on..... We have been busy between appointments, evaluations, and scheduling but we are making it! Somehow you gave yourself a black eye over the weekend, best guess is that you were playing around in bed and fell into the side of it somehow - who knows, you tend to fall alot - especially down the stairs when you are watching the dogs behind you.

I am determined to get you independently riding a bike this year. It is quiet amusing to be out watching us as we attempt this feat. I have attached velcro straps to your pedals and then I stand on the side of you, one hand on your seat, and one hand actually turning your foot and pedal. You then just happily go along, not really aware of the amount of effort mommy is putting into this task. We are all good until someone passes us by and you being mister social decide to take one hand off the handle bars, turn your head and wave.. This means the bike also goes the direction of your head, Mommy starts to trip and lets go, and you have no clue what just happened!

Kinda of like kicking a soccer ball where someone has to stand in front of you, hold your head down so you look at the ball and keep moving forward, and then someone else, on their hands and knees, has to crawl behind you moving your feet in the right direction and kicking motion so you don't attempt to stand on the ball and fall on top of the person crawling behind you.

Yesterday was a 2.5 hour wait for you to sit in time out. You knew you were trouble, that you were supposed to sit on the bottom of the stair (mind you you only have sit quietly for about 30 seconds and you are allowed up) but you wanted no part of it. You would sit on the stair above, the stair below, run up the stairs and crawl around the stair but sitting on THAT stair was not part of your agenda. Finally, after 2.5 hours and a lot of Super Nanny techniques of no eye contact or feedback, you sat on THAT stair for 30 seconds as quiet as a mouse smiling and so proud of yourself. Know, if you had done that 2.5 hours earlier you would not of missed dinner or T.V. time and not had to go bed, but.. all this will be learned in time

I came into your room two nights ago, thinking you would be sound asleep as I was going to bed and little did I know you had gotten out of bed, turned on your light, and had many of your books under the covers with you. I was greeted with a little head popping out from under the covers, a smile, and a "hi" - followed by you willingly turning over all the books and quickly turning over to go to sleep - your light is now unplugged in your room.

I only wish we had taken more videos of some of these moments. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath, have a glass of wine, and vent to those around me but when it is all said and done I cannot imagine my life without you and all of our adventures. You are through and through a little boy and love to play hard and sleep hard too. I am sure the moments will get bigger and smiles and frustrations will continue to come . You have SOOO much personality inside of and you like to show it and of course, be the center of attention.

Love you