Mommy Had to Swallow Her Pride

We have had a rough 24 hours. Your birthday celebration on Saturday was wonderful and then on Sunday morning, for the first time ever, we got up and you went to Sunday School. You did great and had a great morning but then everything started to spiral downhill. I am not sure what it set off. If mommy was being stubborn, if you were being stubborn or if we both just needed to take a deep breath but I will say we both hit a wall and it took us until 900 tonight to get back on track. Over 24 hours is a long time for you and I and to be at the end of our ropes and it carries over everywhere we go. For you it carries over to school, the nanny, your friends, and even just going to the grocery store. For me it carries over to friends, family, and work. We are both stubborn as hell and neither of us like to one, admit it, and two, be the first to throw in the flag to start over. Im usually head strong in that I will not be the one to step back, that I am the adult and I have to finish the battle and be the one to win, but I knew that was not going to happen this time. Some of your antics over the last two days include:

- Going to the bathroom but not taking your pants off (thus soaking through your pants)
- Pulling everything out of your closet and into your bed with you
- Throwing yourself down the stairs
- Dumping your plate of food at dinner the last two nights
- Tantrums, including screaming at the top of your lungs, out in public
- Hitting, kicking, screaming, at anyone who will listen
- Standing in front of your book bag with hands on it for 45 minutes because you were determined not to take it off the hook
- Standing in one spot for three hours because you did not want to use your words and talk
- Putting on your socks when asked (mind you takes 20 minutes) and then promptly taking them off again so we can't go and doing this for 2 hours straight
- Chewing a hole in your long sleeve shirt

And the list goes on. You also gave Tonya, the nanny, a run for her money tonight including barking for four hours straight. She even said if she did love us this much she would not come back - but you can't get rid of her yet! So, mommy had to swallow her pride tonight and after Tonya left go over the chair I had placed you in earlier and just let you curl up on my lap and hold you. Rock you back and forth and just allow you to to be held and to let yet another wall down, for both of us. You have had so many changes the last two weeks, so many new demands, places, people, etc.. that we are at a whole new level of testing and a whole new level of getting to know you. Deciding who you can trust, trying to see if you can run people off and getting lost in all the antics. If you could just take a deep breath and realize you can grow with the world and do not have to fight it life would be so much easier. I know in years time it will get easier, that hopefully the reactive attachment you show so strongly at times will fade and that I need to take more moments to just hold you. You didn't want to let you, you held my shirt, let me rock you and didn't make a sound. You fell fast asleep and I am sure are exhausted. I love you with all my heart and can't wait to see everything that is growing inside of you.

Additionally, today marks four months for you being home. It is hard to remember life before you came home and seems like is has been so much longer. When you realize it has ONLY been four months your growth is amazing and truly a testiment for the little boy you are and man you will become. You and I are continuing to grow everyday and I love to watch you wake up every morning not to know what to expect - trust me, every morning is a new adventure with you!

Love you Baby
Mom

Before is a picture from five months ago when I first meet you (before I brought you home) and then a picture from your party this weekend)