I Thought I Lost You

For a few hours yesterday I thought I had lost you. Not physically, but instead mentally and emotionally. You had over three hours of behaviors at school and since they did not have a plan in place for this, you had no safety net. No way to control yourself. To bring yourself back under control or a comfort zone in order to know you were safe. I think that by the time you spiraled this far out of control it brought back memories of your past. A sense of being lost and just not knowing which way to turn next. Once I picked you up from school you completely shut down. You wouldn't talk, you had the look of a deer in headlights, and you were not processing directions that were given to you. It has been a long time since I have seen this, but we have. And from the past it usually takes you awhile to bounce back. Needless to say, it scared the you know what out of me. You have come so far, you are such a happy little boy, and are thriving, to see this side of you, to know there was nothing I could do, and to know you were just lost, it broke me as well.

You have so much from your past to work through. So many memories, experiences, visions, and emotions that no little boy should have to handle. You work so hard to make it through the day. You are asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow at night and I am dragging you out of the bed in the morning but very seldom does the smile leave your face. You babble stories at us all day, you engage in your environment, and you are just Bryson. But yesterday, this happiness disappeared. It was replaced with fear. You didn't have the fight in you.

This will happen. I know it will. I know it is harder on you then on me but I will say baby it kills me to watch you go through it. I know I can provide you unconditional love, comfort, and safety. I can provide you boundaries and expectations and a net for when you fall. You need to go through these emotions. You need to be allowed to experience and work through your past on your time. Whether it be a situation that causes the brief lapse or you choosing to take a moment, I know it will continue to happen.

I am looking to take you to a psychiatrist. Just someone to keep an eye and track these emotional stages in case you need more in the future.

Luckily, the phase was short. By late last night you started to bounce back and you had a wonderful day today. Not perfect at school but I don't expect perfection - I just expect you to try. Your play dates are going great. The facilitated ones on Thursdays and then also the random ones we have. Your play skills really are coming along and you just love your friends.

Your peers were a little jealous today when you brought in your iPAD. Even though we have had our moments over using this, as you are stubborn, I am seeing much better and spontaneous use of it after one week then I saw with PEC's. The categories are hard for you but this will get better the more you use it. I am actually kinda of hoping that it will also serve as a tool to help facilitate peer interaction at school since they will be interested in the device.

Okay baby. You know I love you - I wish I could say don't leave me again but I know you will need to check out again. That you will need to deal and that you will come back to me. Our bond continues to grow. We continue to discover or ourselves and our relationship and it is something that can never be broken.

Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom