Mourning

Sometimes I wonder if you mourn the life you left behind. I know this might not make sense but I think I, and others, forget how much has changed for you and how much you lost and gained in the past few months. I am not always reminded of this until I read posts from other families who have adopted, mostly international adoption.

I need to remember that your adoption is no different. Just as children who are adopted internationally, your life was turned upside down and sideways. You left behind a comfort zone and you entered a whole new world. With your delays in communication and cognition no one could explain to you that you would never be returning to Idaho. That you were leaving your foster family you had been with for two years, your special education school, and your daycare behind. Additionally, you were leaving behind the other children in your foster home. In two years this had become your routine, your family, and your life, just as children in an orphanage do. You had learned self soothing techniques, how to manipulate the system, and living a life that you were not always the center of attention. Learned helplessness served you well and let you receive the attention you so desperately needed.

Now, we sit here and I have to remind myself of your past and how this impacts you today. I work very hard on myself and others not accepting your behaviors due to your past but it does not mean that we cannot understand. You have gone from not receiving one on one attention to almost 90% of your day being one on one attention. Where you have to talk or use pictures to communicate, you cannot yell or scream, you cannot make inappropriate sounds, and you have to socialize. Whether it be children or adults you are around people where emotionally, physically, and mentally, you are required to engage yourself most of your day. This is so different from you past. I know you are tired, burnt out, and wondering when this will all end. Additionally, I know you also wonder if this is your final home, if you will be moved again, or who will be the next person to impact your life.

I don't know how to ease these pains for you, to make growing up a little easier, or to make sense of the world around you. I just know that you are an amazing little boy who strives to live each day to the fullest.

I was reminded of all this over the weekend when we were over at a friends house with other adults. You ran by somebody and bumped into them, nobody else was in the room. I looked up at him and apologized for your behavior and he looked at me and simply said "never apologize for your son." I started to argue this and he quickly reminded me that nobody else will accept you for who you are and the young boy you are becoming if I do not let them know you for who you are and let you just be you. That I need to relax and enjoy the time and know that my friends will accept you and love you and no apologizes are needed.