New Beginnings in 2013

For some reason right now I am really looking forward to the new year.  Don't get me wrong, I know that basically all it means is another turn of the calendar page but for 2013 I see great new beginnings.  I cannot believe how much you have grown and changed and your determination to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I am often times overwhelmed with the little man you are becoming. I am scared on a variety of fronts, some founded and some not so much.  One day I will be looking at you and I can't believe how far you have come in such a short period of time and then the following day I am watching you wondering how you will ever make it the fast paced world around you.  I am scared to death that we haven't done enough, that you haven't made enough progress yet, and that the gap between your skills and your age is only getting bigger.  Then I have moments when I am scared to death because you show me moments where I know you will thrive and that one day I will have to let go and allow you to try to fly.

This past year has been a fast paced run and I am not sure why.  The finish line is no closer, the strides are no longer or shorter, and towards the end we have forgotten to stop and smell the roses.  Focuses have changed, more schools have come and gone, programs have evolved, and the calm has been far from the center of our lives.  With all of this chaos, you have continued to move forward and show the world you will not go down without a fight.  In 2012 you.....

* Learned to dress yourself
* Increased your expressive vocabulary to close to 100 words using some 2-3 word phrases
* Discovered the game of hockey and learned to ice skate
* Learned a few select 3-4 letter words to show your personality
* Discovered what it means to be a smart ass
* Discontinued the use of all mood stabilizers and decreased the amount of medication needed
* Started to read sight words
* Developed a passion for science
* Learned to lay on your stomach and enjoy the view of the world from this angle
* Started tracing horizontal and vertical lines with minimal assistance
* Began to cut with regular scissors
* Overcame your fears of taking a shower versus a bath
* Drastically decreased your self-injurious behaviors
* Mastered all of your foundational skills (colors, shapes, letters, letter sounds, 1 to 1 correspondence)
* Found out about Elmo, Mickey Mouse, Woody, and Spiderman
* Continued to show resilience as schools and programs changed and peers came and went
* Developed a strong imaginary play including expanding your interests
* Found your internal motivation for independence and showed it in a variety ways
* Discovered the world of electronics

Most importantly, in 2012, you allowed your emotional walls and barriers to fall down around you.  You recently have allowed yourself to discover the world on your terms and through your own eyes.  This is your biggest accomplishment in 2012 and nothing anyone could teach you.  I could allow you to feel safe, allow you to explore, and allow you patience and understanding.  Mind you baby, patient and understanding are not two words that are often used to describe me, but you taught me this.  Over the past year you have taught me to let go of certain expectations, relax and enjoy the moment, and that I can not always predict what will happen next.  You taught me that I could not set the path for you but instead you had to be ready to pave your own path and over the last few months that is exactly what you have done.

You are the one driving 2013.  I do not know the destination of the path you paved but just as you have learned to trust me I have learned to trust you and am along for the ride.  I cannot control the twists and turns and ups and downs because this is your life story.  What I can do though is continue to support and provide for you.  I will be your biggest advocate, cheerleader, and supporter.  I will also be the first person in line when you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to lean on.  I will continue to provide you with the resources and therapies that help you meet your goals and I will continue to raise the bar for you and show you all that you are able to accomplish.

I feel as if we have finally hit the point in your emotional, academic, and social development where it is no longer a comparison to your past but simply a celebration in your success and realizing the doors to your future that each step opens for you.  I feel that although your past will always have an impact on who you are, it no longer is the dictator of who you will become... it is simply your past.

We have so many opportunities ahead of us and I am excited to see which direction you will take us in. Developmentally you are a bouncing four/five year old that is excited for your next adventure.  Language wise you are at the pivotal moment of a two year old, right before the explosion.  These two factors alone should lead to an exciting start to the new year and one that will definitely keep me on my toes.  I cannot wait to see where this adventure takes us




Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

Magical

As Christmas day comes to a close I have thought about all Christmas means to us and the magic that is in the air.  The Christmas season is a time of imagination, growth, fairy tales, adventures, and maybe a little magic just for good measure.  This year I was able watch all the excitement grow within you and really admire the little boy that you are.

Christmas in my house was always surrounded by family traditions and ideas of what the holiday should be.  As you and I have grown over the years we have adopted some of these traditions and also created some of our own.  The one special tradition that really stood out to me this year and realize how much it meant to my mom was the "eye sparkler" under the Christmas tree.  Every year, in addition to our Santa gift, there was one present under the tree that your grandmother called the "eye sparkler."  She described it as the gift that would make our eyes just light up and the one gift, that I now understand, she put the most thought into getting for us. It was usually something we had been wanting for awhile or what we thought was  necessity in life.  Now, something you have to remember about Uncle Mike and I is that we do not get outwardly overally excited over much.  It is just not our personalities to jump up and down with a smile on our face and our "eyes sparkling."  But, as we got older we realized how much this meant to our mom and we did not want to disappoint.  I remember for a few years he and I would open all of our gifts and blink our eyes really hard while trying to smile and ask if it was our "eye sparkler"  There was one year though I had no doubt over my eye sparkler - my mom had gotten me the NBA starter jacket for the Charlotte Hornets - I know, random, but it is all I had talked about.  There was no doubt my eyes sparkled when opening that gift.

I wanted to continue this tradition.  I wanted to make sure there was the one present under the tree that would "wow" you and would be your first "eye sparkler."  I thought for days on end on what it might be and what gift you just wouldn't want to put down.  Then, I found it!  It would be the Nook HD.  I rationalized that you could use it for your homeschool program, it would foster your reading, and it would be an electronic toy that you are so drawn to these days (as is any 8 year old).  I took time to program it with books, wrap it nicely, and place it in the back under the tree so it would be last gift you opened.  What I learned this morning though was all of your gifts were your "eye sparklers."

I was reminded today that you take nothing for in granted for life. That you are so grateful for all that you have and all that you receive.  Every gift you opened this morning was greeted with "ohhhs" and "ahhhs."  You would talk about the present with "what do you see?", "I wanna .....", "oh whoa...", and much more. You opened each gift slowly and made sure all the paper was removed.  You actually looked at the gift for what it was, gave a sweet "thank you", and then pointed to the next one to open.  You face was lit up bright and happy.  You truly sensed the magic of Christmas and enjoyed yourself in the moment.  And that great electronic gift that I didn't think you would wan to put down.... well.... yes, you liked it but honestly you were just as happy today to be a playful 8 year old and let your imagination run wild as you played with your wooden train set, the star wars action figures, and your new spiderman.  The stuffed Mickey Mouse you got went everywhere with you, including the movies tonight.  

So yes, I was able to carry on the family tradition of the "eye sparkler" gift but you brought so much more meaning to it today.  Your innocence, gratitude, and unique and special outlook on life brought back the magic of Christmas for me today and reminded me of what the holiday season is about.  Today also reminded me of what a special little boy you are and that I have no worries of who you will be in the future.  

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Say What?

I cannot believe all of the language we are hearing these days.  For about the past week everyone you have talked to has noticed a pretty drastic increase in your communication.  Anything from your ability to put 2-3 words together independently, your imitation of words and sounds, and your ability to follow directions.  

You are coming up with new labels and requests independently such as "doughnut," "star," "spiderman," "off" and "down."  You are making your dislikes known to others, for example, running around your room naked and telling your therapist "no clothes, " "clothes all done," "no more clothes." And you are engaging others in your preferred activities by asking questions like, "do you wanna Lego orrr you wanna cereal?"  When you use language like that  we will do whatever you want!  

Without prompting you are imitating words you hear around you in order to be a part of conversations and allow your voice to be heard.  You are then using these words spontaneously just moments later and generalizing their meanings.  You are starting to realize more that words are made up of different sounds and it is the combination of these sounds that you need to focus on.  With less effort you have been able to make these sounds and your speech is more intelligible to all those around you.  

On top of this, you also do still use your communication device on occasion which has also expanded.  You used it the other day to say "welcome all, come Ms. Jody" - you were trying to welcome the babysitter and wanted her to take you to your speech therapist Jody.  Then when asked to tell what animal says "moo" you used your device to say "make me" and then laughed and walked away.  Lets just say not everyone is able to use their AAC device to give or show attitude but you have definitely found a way :)

This is a very exciting time and I am so very proud of you everyday.  I know how hard you have worked and continue to work and how much it means to you.  You clap and cheer for yourself when you are able to make new words or sounds.  You smile and giggle with happiness as others honor your requests and hear your voice.  You take great pride in all of your success which continues to be your driving force.  My mom always taught me to trust my gut and my gut is telling me that we are going to continue to see some amazing growth over the next year.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Don't you Dare.......

Growing up I was that child who always pushed the limits.  My mom would describe me as hard-headed, stubborn, a perfectionist, and oppositional.  She used to always tell people that she would tell me "don't you dare put one foot in the road!" and I would turn around, laugh a little, and say, "Mommy, two feet in the road!" and take off running away from her.  Of course as she told me this years later I just laughed not really knowing my day would come.  Well, my day has come and you have now entered that phase of life.  I would have to describe you as hard headed, stubborn, and oppositional.  Tonight I would tell you "no" as you were walking a fine line and you would just giggle and say "OHHHH No!" and then continue doing what you were not supposed to be doing.

Last night as I wrangled you into bed the baby gate fell down the stairs and crashed.  Before I had a chance to react I heard this innocent voice yell out "God Damnit!" - uh oh - mommy must need to watch her language these days.

Your therapist told you the other day that you "needed your device" and she would not let you play the game until you went to get it.  You proceeded to walk over to it and push the "need" button and then continue to ignore her and entertain yourself other ways.

Everything these days has to be done by yourself.  You are Mr. Independent and do not need the help of others.  I was watching you brush your teeth, which is a skill not yet mastered.  You could not get the toothpaste onto the toothbrush so you decided to just squeeze the toothpaste right into your mouth and then brush from there - I give you points for creativity.

As we have entered this stage you have also decided that doing school work is no longer fun.  That it is more entertaining to push the buttons of your therapists and constantly be thinking of new ways to receive attention other then sitting at the table learning about the three R's.  This ranges from stepping into the toilet, when you think the toilet seat is down, and soaking yourself.  Falling in-between the toilet and sink and getting stuck.  Climbing on the counter, desk, bed, table, or chairs - remember though, you can't even walk five feet most days without falling.  You will lay on the floor and try to push all of your work materials under the door so that they are not available to use, you will try to eat the materials you do not like, and of course, you will simply just sing at the top of your lungs acting as if no one else is in the room.  We keep pushing forward though because even through all these behaviors you continue to master skills and show your knowledge.

The other morning driving to therapy you told me "I want girl" on your device!  I didn't know that would start this early. Needless to say that will not be under your Christmas tree this year.

You still are easily entertained by Lego's, army men, swords, books, and cars.  You amuse me as you change your voice and intonation based upon what toys and what play scheme you are acting out. Your imagination is running wild these days and your interests continue to expand.

Not only have you made the academic gains and mastered all of your foundational skills, you have made great strides in your fine motor and self help skills.  You are using scissors, starting to play catch, attempting to brush your teeth, and shower by yourself.  Now, not all of these are perfect but please see the prior note that you are all about being Mr. Independent these days - I have to find new and interesting ways to help you without you knowing.

Your grandmother would have been so proud of you.  I often times imagine her laughing from above at me as I try to navigate this adventure of parenting.   I know that she would have been your second biggest cheerleader, that she would be giggling by your side, and spoiling you rotten.  As I write to you I also often times look back at what my mom wrote to me in my journal.  I often times just hope for a glimmer of advice or the answer to the questions.  Unfortunately, the only secret it holds is that I am responsible for the little man you are becoming :)  That you are following in my footsteps, that you have my personality, and that I would not have it any other way.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Articulation

A vital component to your speech. The more progress we can make on your articulation of specific speech sounds the more understandable you will be to those around you.  Before we could not have a strong focus on this because you were not able to directly imitate when asked.  Recently though, you have decided that you enjoy imitating sounds and words and you patiently work with individuals on perfecting them.  I had the joy of watching you in your speech session earlier this week and could not have been prouder of you.  Your hard work, determination, persistence, and patience through this process continues to amaze me.  We still have a long road ahead of us but its nice to stop and listen to the sounds every now and then :)

Keep On Truckin

Love

Mom

The Young Boy You Have Become

I have started to write this many times to you.  Recently, every time I sit down to give a quick update and make sure we are keeping up I do not know where to begin.  Other times I write to you it seems to just flow, its a quick update on your language, academics, or what new sport of the week we are trying.  On occasion I throw in some details on your behaviors and glimpses of how much you have grown or started to change.  For some reason though things have been different these last few weeks.  It is harder to put into words all of the changes and who you are becoming.  It is hard for me to realize the path you are on.

This path scares me.  It is an unknown for me and one that I am sure is going to have a whole new set of bumps along the way.  It seems that we have turned a pivotal corner in our relationship and in your view of the world. You have a system of trust now, a new walk of confidence, and a self-motivation I have not seen before.  All of this has allowed you to express yourself and start to find your nitch in the world around you.  I am not sure if this will all make sense to you, until now I have always talked about your progress, but the look in your eyes is different.  I am not afraid that we will turn around tomorrow and lose all that you have conquered.  I no longer live in fear that you will wake up tomorrow and have that lost and distant look in your eyes.  Today I live in the moment but also with a different fear, a fear that one day I might truly be able to let you spread your wings.  I am in fear that I can't keep up with you, challenge you, and provide for what may be around the next corner.

This past week, with the Thanksgiving holiday upon us, you held your head high and were never phased.  Nancy and Terry were in town for almost a week yet you did not miss a beat in showing them how you have changed and your personality.  You accepted change this week, different environments, foods, people, and interactions. You went with the flow, kept your emotions in line, and used your voice to be heard.  You were cuddly, loving, funny, persistent, stubborn, and a wound up ball of energy.  You allowed others to see the side of you that I see on a regular basis.  You allowed yourself to enjoy the moment and to simply be who you are without all the walls around you.

These past few weeks have guided us down the next path past the fork in the road. You have decided upon a direction to take and you will continue to thrive and overcome all that stands in your way.  This is not to say we won't have our moments, I mean you are a typical little kid in so many ways that I am sure we will continue to have our battle of the wills, but these wars will not be as hard.  They will not be over the trust and confidence that you have recently found. They will not be based upon your fears.  Instead, these battles will be about you continuing to grow. You trying to fly a little to early and me still holding on. I am afraid to let go but I also know you are telling me that you are ready for a little more.  I can promise you that I am trying and that I am ready to see the next chapter in our amazing adventure.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

As The Leaves Change Colors So Do You

This fall has been emotional one for me as I watch you grow and change.  You are growing up before my eyes and right now it is happening at such a fast pace that even I am overwhelmed.  I cannot imagine what is going on in your little head.  I often times look into your eyes and see glimpses of the future.  I see the spark that will carry you far, the fear that will continue to hold you back, and the spirit that nothing will hold you down.

There are days when you look so innocent.  Days that remind me that your life really did just start a little over two years ago when I brought you home.  You are playful, without a care in the world, and greet each challenge as an adventure.

Then there are days you look wise beyond your years.  Days that remind me of the past you have endured, the pain you have suffered, and how much of a challenge each new morning is to you.  It is these days that you process the world and take in what is occurring around you far more seriously then any eight year old little boy should.

As strange as it may sound though, it is when I see the second of these two that I know you are going to be okay.  That you will continue to thrive in all that you try to accomplish, you will continue to conquer the world, and most importantly you will be able to overcome your past.  You are starting to allow yourself to process and heal.  By doing this you are also allowing the walls to fall down beneath you.

This fall you have allowed yourself to be successful in so many different parts of your life.  Academically you are soaring through material and continue to amaze us. I never imagined that I would be researching reading and spelling curriculums for you at this point but they will arrive next week!   Your language has changed and now you are more interested in labeling and commenting on the world around you then asking permission to do things.  You are obsessed with Elmo and Mickey Mouse, what little boy doesn't go through that phase though? :)  Your self help skills have also shown a drastic improvement which not only helps you but me.  You are so close to now being able to shower yourself and also brush your own teeth. On top of this, your understanding of what others are saying to you and around you is also constantly growing.

What I love watching is the look of pride and accomplishment on your face as you complete these tasks and move forward.  You have found the internal motivation that you were missing for so long and it is now the driving force to your success, not me.  You are finally living life on your terms and loving it.  I cannot wait to see what each day holds for you.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Ticka Ticka Ticka Treat

I will admit, probably one of the most adorable sayings you have.  You fully understand Halloween and love the holiday.  I do have to laugh though because Halloween is the one holiday we did not celebrate growing up.  Your grandmother didn't feel it was a Christian holiday, funny how she choose this to be her hang up if you knew her, so your Uncle Mike and I each received a bag of candy and a trip to the movies every year.  On occasion she would try a crazy idea like the "Halloween" at the church where you had to dress as something God created - I vividly remember her hand sewing cotton balls onto my sweatshirt and sweatpants so I could go as a cloud.  Yup, I was just as much of a little shit then as you are now!  All of this aside though your first year home Sally and the gang would not let you miss Halloween so off we went.  It only took a matter of minutes that first night for you to catch on and somehow, you, being supposedly nonverbal, quickly learned to say "ticka ticka ticka treat."

This year we grabbed the cheapest costume off the shelf and as soon as you put it on you smiled and announced "It's Halloween!" "Candy!" Umm... okay, since when did you learn the names for your holidays or that dressing up meant Halloween?  Oh how much you take in that I forget to give you credit for.

The past two years you have had your little gang by your side and took their lead.  It was different this time around.  It was just you and I and I think a little bit of reality settled in and you missed your buddies.  It took us three attempts to get going as you wanted to chase down other groups of children and then cried when it wasn't who you thought it was.  It seemed that you wanted, and needed, the comfort of your group.  On our third attempt though I saw the spark in your eyes as you tripped up the stairs and yelled "Ticka Ticka Ticka Treat" before you even rang the doorbell.  I couldn't help but smile as I saw you grow just a little bit more.

This Halloween I was also able to step back and realize a few more things things you have learned.  You knew the difference between lights on and lights off and that you could only go to houses that had their lights on.  You minded all of your P's and Q's with a sweet "please" and "thank you" at every house.  This year you understand the concept of "take one" but found a variety of different ways to get around this - you tried one in each hand, them handing you one and you taking one, one of each kind of candy, one in your bucket and one in your mouth, and, my favorite, one for each time you rang the doorbell.  Lucky for you it was cold and rainy and very few people were out so the people were very generous.

Overall a very successful holiday and I look forward to do it all over again next year!

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Game On

Baseball - Spring 2012

 Hockey - Fall 2012

Keep On Truckin Baby

Love

Mom

Scientific Equation

Lets be honest, you still have a long way to go and I am not blind to where you are today but the world around you is opening up their eyes and seeing that you hold a whole world of potential inside.  Over the last two years you have struggled with colors, shapes, numbers, associations, and other foundational concepts.  You have refused to show those around you that you have been taking it all in and that you do understand cause and effect.  You have refused to allow yourself to succeed and be pushed to the next level.

All of the sudden you have decided to change.  You have finally demonstrated that you do know these foundational skills and that you also know so much more.  You are taking after your Uncle Mike and Aunt Suzanna with a passion for science.  In less then a week you learned what a beaker, thermometer, scale, hand lens, and ruler are and most of their functions.  You also have a grasp on the five senses and how each body part helps you explore the world around you.  With this, you still would prefer not demonstrate that you actually know what your head is or that you understand when someone says "blow a kiss" but honestly this is just you being stubborn.  It is almost as if you feel the simple goals are below you and until we challenge you, as with science, you do not feel as if you need to answer.

For two years teachers have worked on your identifying the letter B which has made me crazy, and you insane, but in the last two four weeks you have learned uppercase and lowercase letters A-L.  You are starting to match sight words to pictures, label pictures in books, and participating in computer programs.  You are recognizing money, working on the calendar, and continuing to master your manipulation skills.

On top of this your language continues to grow and with that your personality is showing through.  I have a feeling within the next year you are going to keep me on my toes even more then you do now.  Yesterday on the playground I told you "gentle" as we were running around. You proceed to look at me and say, "I'll show you gentle" and then pull my hair.  Hmmm.... is it true that I only have myself to blame for the little man you are becoming?!  At hockey practice you told the coaches to "go play" and "go away" because you wanted to skate with the girls.  You tell me "you go" when you do not want me in your room and so much more.

We still have a long way to go.  You are still your own worst enemy when it comes to compliance and actually making learning easy.  You give your therapists a run for their money and it is a miracle that they have not quite on us yet.  If you are able to to learn at this rate and acquire these skills with all the behaviors you are so nicely sharing with us, then image what all you are capable of if you would just sit down and listen!  I guess you wouldn't be my little hot mess though if you played by the rules.

I love you baby
Keep on Truckin
Mom

Should Have Known

Often times I go back and read what I have written to you in the past.  It helps remind me of how far you have come and also where we still need go.  A lot has happened in the last two weeks in our world and after reading through the letters to you from last month I should have known what was coming.

The big news and change is that as of this week you are officially home schooled.  Yup, I know how confusing this must be for you.  We picked up from Virginia and moved over 400 miles away to a place where we did not have a support system or a clue what would be around the next corner, specifically for a school that I thought would meet your educational and language needs.  I was filled with hope and promises and I so badly wanted to see you in an environment that understood you and would challenge you.

I remember sitting in one of the very first IEP meetings we had for you in VA and Nancy actually came with me as my second set of ears.  I sat there and tried to explain to them the little boy I saw that was hiding behind the walls and my hopes for you in their school.  Most importantly though I remember Nancy, with tears in her eyes, explaining to them that they could not let you regress.  That you had already made so many gains and they could not let you slip away.

Well, unfortunately they did allow you to slip and I believed that coming to Ohio would provide an educational setting that would only allow your feet to move in a forward motion.  As I have told you before though, I have discovered we are in Ohio for so many more reasons and the school is not a part of our future but provided us the leap of faith we needed at the time to embark on this adventure.

Since moving to Ohio our relationship has grown immensely.  We have always had a special bond from the moment we met but since our move we have become more in sync then ever.  I watched this weekend and could not believe how much you have grown physically and developmentally.  You are now a little man, missing four teeth, and growing like a weed.

Your language has exploded thanks to the help of our wonderful speech therapist who has never given up on you and continued to push through your escapades.  What we are discovering, as we always suspected, is that your own language and jargon is actually real words that are slowly being shaped into the english language.

Socially, which has always been your strongest area, continues to impress those around you.  Today at the park you consistently engaged with your friends asking them to come run with you, come sit in a car, play in the sand, swing on the swings, and race down the slide.  You are determined to get and keep their attention and do everything in your power to keep up.

I continue to try to open new doors for you daily. You think you are ready to push them down and speed ahead.  Now is the time to close the gap in your academics.  You are ready for more and need more in order to keep up in all that you try to do.  So, for that reason, your bedroom will now be split and shared as your classroom and your therapists have become members of our family as they spend so many hours here.

Honestly, I am excited and cannot wait to see you tackle the academics that so many have been afraid to push and I am also scared to hold it all in my hands.  Reality though, I have tried to hand over the control to the school, actually 4 different schools to be exact, and none of them have stepped up to the plate.  None of them them have seen the spark in your eyes.  Now that you are starting to believe in your own potential you needed a team of individuals who believed in you and saw all of you that is awaiting to be unlocked.  We have found that team and I am thrilled to see what tomorrow brings.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

6 + 2 = 3??? - Wait a Minute

So I guess I should start by telling you that math was never my favorite subject in school nor is it yours but I really do have a rationale explanation to this equation.

For all intensive purposes, with a little rounding, you were six the year I adopted you.  You had spent almost all of the first six years of your life in the less the desirable conditions.  And now, you have spent the last two years in my arms.  So technically, yes, you turned a whopping 8 years old yesterday! I started to think that I could not believe you were eight and where has time gone....

Well, the truth is, in my eyes and in your own eyes you are not 8.  Today, you are more of a happy go lucky three year old always looking for your next adventure and constantly finding new trouble to get into.  As I have told you before, when you first arrived home even though you were almost six years old you really had the skills of a 10-11 month old baby.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into and all the twists and turns our life would take.  Today though, watching you bounce around me, your developmental age is more of a three year old and you are aging everyday.

So, in my world, in our world together, 6 years of life before you became my forever child plus two years of life with me equals an amazing three year old little boy!  Which, lets be honest, means you are ahead of schedule developmentally!!! Since your life did not start until two years ago and the first time you experienced the world around you was just two years ago I am beyond pleased that you are overall on track with a typically developing three year old.

Now don't get me wrong baby you do have some skills that are well beyond those of your three year old peers and other skills that might be slightly lacking but what is most important is the little man I see today.  You have a face of innocence but yet a look in your eyes well beyond your years.  With everyone that works with you, you end up teaching them more about themselves and about the world they once thought they understood then they end up teaching you.  What is amazing though is that you do this all without talking.

Some people may ask me how I know you have a sense of humor, how I know you are happy, or how I know that you are taking in the world everyday that you wake up and get out of bed.  Simply put, once you see the look in your eyes how could someone not see all these things.  You have discovered that it is hilarious to make animal noises at the most inappropriate times.  That if you watch those around you long enough you can start to play games on them and just smile and walk away once you get their attention. That you pick people out of crowd who just need a smile to make their day.

The world has accepted you for who you are.  People around us cannot help but smile when you bounce into a room and break it down with your beat boxing (against my better judgement), and more importantly people have started to see the spark right before you act upon a very thought-out high level of manipulation.

You have a giggle that echos and a smile that even you are in love with. You cannot get enough of watching yourself in mirrors and obtaining the attention of those around you.  Your pretend play has exploded and your new best friend... yup, thats right, its Elmo!

Today I could not be more proud of the young man you becoming. Even though you fight the world on so many levels you have accepted and grown on so many others.  I cannot wait to see what this year holds for us and how old you will be next year on your birthday.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Your Own Worst Enemy

Yup, you are your own worst enemy.  There is no other way to describe it or a way to sugar coat it.  You fight the world with all the energy you have yet if you were to just let down your guard everything would come so easy to you.  Don't get me wrong, I understand why you fight and that it is your natural reaction but I wish, just for one day, you would let yourself enjoy all of the world and show what you know.

I do not talk about school a whole lot.  Obviously this is on purpose as it is not the highlight of your day, week, month, or even year.  School has always been your biggest battle and the place where you feel the most insecure.  The direct pressure of having to perform, to being on the spot, and to know that at times all eyes are on you is just too much for you.  If it were not for the fact that you love peers and a part of you loves your teachers as much as you fight them I would home school you.  There is still a part of me that is hoping, praying, that when you walk through the doors to school you will show them who you are and all that you hold inside.

This school year has started off no different then years past.  The school not sure where to put boundaries into place - you running around like a chicken with your head cut off - and then you spiraling out of control from not having boundaries all day.  Its a vicious cycle and this is the fourth time we have been through it.  I had such high hopes that since you went to this school last year and you knew it was safe, that this year would just fall right into place. Yet again though you taught me to laugh at myself and that nothing will ever come that easy.

Before school started I made the decision to remove all of your academic goals from you Individualized Educational Plan (IEP). I wanted an IEP that focused on language, behaviors, and generalization of skills. I want you to learn this year that you do have to follow a schedule, stay with your class, generalize mastered skills into a group environment, and most importantly you have to use all the language that we work so hard on everyday.  This does not mean you are not exposed to all your core subject matters and skills because as long as you are participating you are in all your main subject areas you will be part of the lessons.  With this though, I also knew we needed more at home to find the balance.

So, you guessed it.... You now have 15 hours a week of ABA therapy primarily to focus on all your foundational academic skills. Lets just say you bucked the system the first two weeks and made your therapists earn their stripes BUT you all survived and now you are working your little butt off (or as you say "aaaaaass"off :) You have two wonderful therapists that you quickly won over with your smile and a subtle "hey" as you flirted but we all expect and believe in great things from you.

I pray that right now this is the right balance for you. That I am allowing you to shine in the right areas in the right environment and playing upon your strengths.  I hope that one day you will feel safe and secure enough to show the world the little boy that I get the honor or watching grow up everyday.

Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

Hard To Remember

It is becoming harder to remember the little boy you used to be.  I mean the one that I brought home on that flight from Idaho a little over two years ago.  I remember thinking that you and I were now full speed ahead and you would suddenly wake up with all the language and skills you were missing.  That all you had needed was a home and it would just happen.  Oh how I laugh at that thought now!  Yes, you did need a home, you do need unconditional love, and most importantly you need time.  As I have told you before, you have taught me more over these years then I have learned in my entire lifetime and one thing you test me on daily is the concept of patience.  Well, with all the patience and all the time you are starting to unravel just a little bit more.

Here is a video of you about two weeks after you came home.  You used the words "mine" and then an approximation for "help" with the therapists prompting.

Now, after two long years, the words are flowing.  We still have to listen closely and some of the articulation is hard for you but you are able to use three and four word sentences, ask questions, answer questions, make choices, and most importantly express your likes and dislikes.  Hearing the change in your voice between two years ago and now and how much you have grown and matured is absolutely amazing.  Watching the older videos and then ones from today brings me back to reality of just how hard you work, how far you have come, and that tomorrow is always a new day.

Keep On Truckin 

Love

Mom

More Than Enough

This summer has been filled with learning, sharing, laughing, and, of course, crying.  It has been a very trying summer on some aspects and one of much success on others.  Let me back up though and fill you in on all the changes that have occurred.

Towards the end of the school year I started to question why you were on the medication you were.  Not that we did not have positive moments and for the most part predictability in your behaviors but given the high end "designer" medications that you were on I wasn't seeing the expected results.  For this reason, I had the bright idea to try to take you off of them. With the help of your psychiatrist we slowly started the process to wean you from your mood stabilizers.

At first, life was golden.  Your personality returned, you were not as tired all the time, and your language continued to grow.  We had a few bumpy moments but overall I was thrilled and thought that maybe you were ready, that we were ready, to try to live without the medications.

Unfortunately though as summer has continued the success has not been there.  What hurts the most though is seeing the amount of pain and anger from your past that you are carrying that was masked by your "designer" medication.  Maybe it was helping to control the impulses so you did not think about your past or maybe it just caused a cloudy feeling so you were not processing the memories, but coming off the medications has opened a door I am not sure either of us were ready for.

What I am quickly learning is that you are experiencing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  You are repeating phrases that I can only assume were said to you as a small child, you are acting out behaviors that I can only assume were done to you, and you are feeling every aspect of the pain and anger this is causing you. You will scream as you run up the stairs "I said go to bed," followed by "no hit."  In the bathroom you will look in the mirror and say "bad boy," "no hit," "no bathroom" followed by you tossing your body against the floor and slapping yourself.  Today with the babysitter you just sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed.  All we can do is hold you, comfort you, and assure you that you are safe and that nobody is going to hurt you. I knew that one day we would need to experience this and work through this as it is part of who you are and part of your past but I never knew that time would come now.

I wish you had more language.  That you could tell me what you were thinking, what is causing the pain, or what the memories are.  I wish that I could help you work through your demons but all I can do is be a shoulder for you to cry on and be a safety net for you to fall into. I have to remind myself that just now have you been in my arms as long as you were in foster care and you still have not been my little man as long as you were in your biological home.  Maybe you also have an internal clock that is ticking away.  I am sure you still hold onto the unknown and the unexpected.  You not only experienced the trauma of your abuse, neglect, and drug exposure, but then foster care placement, and finally the placement with me.  A long plane ride to an unknown place and a life that has never been the same.

With all of this though I am learning who you are.  I am learning how I can best support you to grow and develop.  I am learning that your behaviors are not an unknown to you but instead an unknown to me and that I need to give you more time and patience.  That we are taking life at your pace and when you are ready. You are the one driving this ship baby.  We have had more than enough of our share of growth, development, and emotions for one summer but I am proud to say we are both still paddling with our heads above water.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Full Of It...

... I just wish I know what the "it" was that you were full of!

Lord help me as we enter this developmental stage.  You are discovering more of yourself and more of the world everyday and right now you can not soak it up fast enough.  Most of the time you are happy, giggly, and plotting your next move. The spark in your eyes has changed and I am not sure how to describe it.  It is more connected, more loving, more personality, and of course more mischievous.

I used to be able to brag to people about how well you slept.  That you didn't get into items, I mean we never did have to baby proof the house as you really didn't ever show an interest.  I used to tell people that we could go out to eat and that you would sit for hours, happy just to be around other people.  I think I even once told someone that you played so nicely by yourself.

Well, you are laughing at me now and goes to show just how far you have come developmentally.  What I did not realize before was that you were not showing those behaviors not because you were so well behaved and easy going but instead because developmentally you were not ready.  You know that three year old little boy that goes into the cupboard to play the drums on the pots and pans.  The three and four year olds that discover the snack drawer and all they want to do is eat.  The three and four year olds that want to do it all by themselves and heaven forbid you try to help them or suggest a different way to do it.  And of course, the two and three year olds that think the world is going to end because they happened to bump into the wall or get a small scrape.  Well, that is you now.

You start giggling as you ask for a piece of candy, knowing full well the answer will be no, but then you request to go "pee puff", proceed to tell yourself "good boy" (for asking), and then upon flushing take the piece of candy that you were just told no to because you know I can't turn you down now.

I take a moment to go upstairs or to let the dogs out... Suddenly I realize that it has been quiet for a little too long and take a peak - you have managed to get half of yourself into the snack cabinet looking for something that might already be opened that you can sneak away with.

My keys, phone, cards, and other important belongings tend to disappear.  I find some in trash cans, others in the bathrooms, more in your bed, and then even more placed strategically into drawers which also contain your candy.

(Baby, have you noticed a theme here with candy and snacks!)

You have a new found love and interest for Elmo, Big Bird, Dora, and many others.  We have always limited your TV time and still do but when you do get the one special show for the day it has your undivided attention.  You are imitating the language as you watch and if you see them do something you are trying to do it yourself.  Thanks to Sesame Street you are eating more bananas then ever.

Labels, labels, and more labels.  If you have a word for it you are using it.  For some reason my name has gone back to being "teacher" even though we never do academic work but I am sure you have some reason. In the car I hear "water" and "bubbles" as we drive by fountains and lakes.  While reading books I hear "horse", "puppy", and "apple" as you read to me.  When you see a TV in passing when we are out you will label the "car" or "ball" (car racing or sports) that might be on.  Last night at dinner you even independently ordered "apple juice" while talking with the server.  The list for your language goes on and continues to grow daily.

And you.. entertain yourself... lets just say that involves doing handstands on the couch, rolling onto you head, flipping plates in your mouth, and using anything you can as a trampoline.  All the while laughing hysterically and giving me that look that you know what you are doing is not quite right but can I really say no to that sweet face.  The answer to that is yes, I can say no, and even though I do throughout the day I cannot help but smile as I watch you grow.  Your pretend play has also grown drastically recently which is where you and I will part our ways :)  Mommy was never good at making stuffed animals talk, tea parties, or picnics.  Playing house, vet, or doctor was just not my cup of tea.  You can talk to Val about this because she tried for years for me to play with her and it just didn't happen.  I promise you though, I will hire you someone to play just as my mom hired someone to play play-doh with me as it was not up her alley either.

So what has changed? Why all the sudden this growth?  Basically, you are ready. You are letting down your guard and you are ready to process all that you have been taking in.  Most importantly, you are happy.  To hear you giggle and carry on and talk to yourself and others will stop me dead in my tracks and makes me remember to cherish these moments.  To celebrate in these successes and to never underestimate who you will be tomorrow.

Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

The Fight - Round 3

The definition of fighter is a person with the will, courage, determination, ability, or disposition to fight.    Fight is then further defined as any contest of struggle.  You my young man are a fighter.  Your will, courage, determination, ability, and passion have allowed you to fight and overcome many obstacles in your life.

Round One : Biological Home
It kills me to know that in your life you had to learn "awful" first.  You didn't have anything to compare it to but you started in this world without the foundations of love and acceptance.  You had to fight for the first three years to overcome abuse, neglect, isolation, drug exposure, filth, and the list went on.  You used your common sense and knowledge to survive.  You stole food from counter tops, drank water from a fish tank, and somehow managed to survive those first 3.5 years.  You literally fought for your life and you won round one.

Round Two : Foster Care
From the age of 3.5 years to 5.5 years you fought to understand your world and surroundings.  You had constant reminders of your past from those you saw daily.  You didn't understand the words you were hearing and had no way to communicate what you needed and what you had been through.  You slipped under the radar for too long for your needs which caused much of the emotional abuse to build. You remained the unknown and the ticking time bomb.  You withdrew even further and fought against moving forward.  You were not ready to let go of your past nor did anyone know how to help you.  You literally fought against your life and honestly you lost round two.  You were knocked down and many had given up on hopes for you progressing.

Round Three : My Little Hot Mess
This has been a long round with both of us being knocked down but we both seem to keep getting up again before the final count.  The fight is different this time though.  Our motives are constantly changing, or goals are growing, and we are evolving daily.  Some days you are fighting against the system and trying hard not to grow.  Other days you are fighting to take that next steps and prove to the world who you are.  Many days I am fighting the world with you, knocking down walls for you to walk through with ease so that you can continue to progress.  There are days though when we are fighting each other.  When I am pushing you to the next step, setting your bar higher then ever before and accepting nothing less, and at the same time you are content with where you currently are and are fighting to pull that bar down.  With all of this we have learned balance and how to tag team our fight as opposed to picking different battles.  Round three is still on but for now you are winning.

This summer has been all about that balance and me learning to listen to you.  You have taught me that when it comes to you making strides that less is more and your biggest gains are when it comes naturally and through your environment and play.  You have found ways to tell me that 14 one on one therapies a week is not going to push you along any faster then 4 one on one therapies a week would and that you also need to be doing activities you enjoy.

Your level of knowledge and understanding stuns me some days and it is because I see this that I know I can step back.  That when you are ready and when you have fought off more of the demons of your past and conquered more of your trust and relationship then others will see this.  Any little boy that has the level of manipulation you do definitely has more going on upstairs then he likes to show :)

Round three is on your time, at your pace, and on your terms..... for the most part.  As you continue to process the first two rounds, develop your language, and discover all that the world has to offer I know that you will come out on top.  Your passion, determination, and will power has made you the strongest fighter that I know.

Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Lean On Me

Your friends may never realize the impact they have had on your life but they have helped you grow, develop, and overcome much of your past.  They put a smile on your face and spark in your eyes that no one else can.  I hear your sweet voice repeat their names daily and hear your contagious giggle when you see them or watch videos of you all together.  They have helped open your heart and make you the little boy you are today.

So Much More

When we moved here a last November I swore to you we were moving here for the school. That the school was what we had been looking for and it was your opportunity to shine.  I had all these expectations that the school could provide for you and for some reason thought that this one brick building was the key to your success.

Oh how wrong I was but yet how many doors have opened for us.  In reality, the school does not hold the answers or a magic key that unlocks all the potential that you hold.  In all honesty, the four walls that surround you at school are probably the last four walls we have to break down for you to finally break free.  

You are not quite there yet.  I still feel that you need a little more time before those final walls come down and before you allow the rest of the world to see the spark that I see daily.  The move to Ohio has given us so much more - so much that I didn't even know we needed.

Our relationship has grown.  I cannot even put into words our new levels of trust, love, acceptance, and friendship.  It is not that we didn't bond in VA and didn't grow together but we had patterns and routines that we were unable to overcome that were affecting our relationship.  Once we moved, those obstacles disappeared and everything was full speed ahead.  I look into your eyes and see your innocence, your desire to please, and most of all your love for those around you.  I see your passion for the future and your resistance to let the world around you hold you back.  I see the depths of the young man you are becoming and the insight you hold to your own future.

Our move has also opened up a book of resources that were never available to us before.  The intensity of your therapies and the commitment of your therapists to you was such as novel concept when we arrived.  No therapist here has turned their back on you due to behaviors or second guessed your ability because of your language.  Every therapist that works with you here has taken the time to get to know you for the little boy you are and build a strong relationship.  

Here we are not constantly on the go.  Life is slower and daily we can encounter new adventures or sit at home and be just as happy.  You have learned to enjoy a good movie, curl up with  some book, or play with your cars all over the house.  If given a choice these days you would rather stay home and play Candy Land or Memory as opposed to running errands.  

As we continue to unravel the tangled web that your life used to be we are adding a counselor to your team and more intensive psychiatric services this year.  With more language it is time that find ways to work through the emotional piece of your past.   You know that I am here as your safety net, that I am not going anywhere, and you are confident in yourself.  It is time to sweep out some of your cobwebs and allow yourself to grow emotionally.  As we clean house I know that you will continue to grow and thrive.  

This time next year, it is my goal for you that we will be transitioning back to public schools.  That we can finally take down those four walls that are holding you back and that you will have the foundational skills you need to be successful.  Next year it will be time for me to let you spread your wings that we have worked so hard on developing this past few years but for now, I get one more year of holding your hand through all the therapies, all the frustration, all the growth, and all the success.  

I can not tell you how proud I am of who you are today.  

Keep on Truckin' Baby

Love

Mom

The Voice

Who's voice is that I am hearing?  Who could possibly have such a sweet little voice and be talking so much lately?  You guessed it baby, it is you.  The language is amazing and each day I hear new words. You are imitating not only the adults around you but also your peers and the best part - now it is not only me that understands but also those around you.  I am not always needed as your translator anymore and honestly you are leaving the device aside and trying hard to find a way to communicate to those around you just as they communicate to you.  You use a variety of expressive language and when that does not work you add in some emotion and gestures to make sure everyone knows exactly what page you are on.

With this comes more personality and opinions.  I will happily hear them though and love see you continue to come out of your shell.  I have to smile when you talk back to me and not because I approve of this but because I had started to wonder if you would ever be able to.  In the past it was always as soon as you learned a new word of phrase you also lost one. It was as if you only had so much room to store the information and if you learned the word "applesauce" then you lose the word "please".  I have been scared lately that as we continue to push and expose you to more language and increase our demands, that you would lose so much progress we had made.  This fear has been unfounded though and you have even started to use phrases that you had once lost.  Additionally, you are combining a variety of two or three word phrases independently and using language nobody has directly taught you.

The other day at breakfast out with a friend I asked you to "use your fork." You looked at me and simple said in a firm voice "HAND" and went back to eating your eggs with your hands.  Needless to say I won in the long run but you did express your opinion.  At this same breakfast you also asked me "play fork" which you know we do not play with our silverware, you asked me to "play keys" which I usually would not do but since I did not know you knew either of these words spontaneously you did gain access to the car keys, and finally, as I paid the check, you looked at the server and said "I'll be back."  All of this not only occurred in the same time period but was also understood but those sitting with us and others.

We were playing at a little friends house the other day from your school.  This little buddy has a lot of language and one of his current goals is to raise his hand when asked a question and say "me."  The two of you were sitting at the table and his mom asked "who wants pizza?"  Your buddy raised his hand and said "me" clear as day.  So, you look at him, look at us, and spontaneously you imitate him and raise your hand and say "ME!"  Needless to say you were quickly given all the pizza you could have wanted.

Some of your favorite expressions include "whoa," "need help," "can you help," "do you wanna go," "I'll be back," "more sprite," and "move."  You have so much more you are saying and so much more you want to say to the world around you.  By the end of summer we will come up with a plan on how your device will be used for next school year as your motivation is to use your own words but we also know the device is what has helped you make these gains and that the device still has language that you are not yet producing spontaneously or can help others understand you.

All you need is a little more time.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

It's Been Awhile

I am not sure where I have been.  Your school year has come to an end and we are off and running for summer.  We have packed your schedule with one on one therapies that vary from Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, Speech Therapy, Music/Device group, AAC group, BCBA, and then also behavior therapy sessions that are in home.  That consumes most of our mornings Monday through Thursday and I can see how all of the pieces are starting to form together and help you continue to make the progress you need.

For awhile now we have not participated in Occupational Therapy as it was just icing on the cake.  It was the therapy that was one too many and the most aversive.  We worked hard to make accommodations and modifications for you that allowed you to forgo on the fine motor skills and focus more on following directions, your language, and simply finding your way in life.  This summer though it was time to tie in that remaining piece and honestly you have done well.  It was the right time.  This therapy is also allowing us to finally look at some of the visual aspects and the possible need for more intensive therapy for you to learn how to track and learn to use your vision (which is perfect by the way) appropriately in order to access your environment.  You do not track at all, you have a hard time following objects, and your depth perception lets just say is less then desired.  Hopefully as we add in this remaining aspect the pieces will continue to slide into place.

We have had a lot of changes recently and it could be the other reason I have been a little quiet, not quite sure where to turn next or if I am making the right decisions for you.  Your need for sleep towards the end of the school year was high and I was worried.  You were sleeping upwards of 15-17 hours some days and your behaviors were hit or miss.  We went to the doctor to see what might be going on and rule out all facts.  Needless to say your little body was turned upside down.  It ends up one of your medications had gone to toxic levels within your system and had also called your TSH (thyroid) levels to almost double.  So, after an ER visit, numerous blood draws, and a scared momma we have pulled you from all medications (of course under doctor guidance and recommendations).  Ummmm... yeah.... first time since August of 2010 you have been without any sort of medication and needless to say your body has needed time to readjust.

Coming off the medications you have a spark back in your eyes, I see more of your personality, and you no longer need 15 hours of sleep a day.  I am not exactly sure what to do with you yet for an extra three hours every night before bed as you have gone from a 6:00 pm to a 9:00 pm bedtime which you love!  Your one on one therapies have continued to remain good and you are pushing through and doing the best of your ability.  This has shown us that we need to start from scratch.  Due to your impulsivity which includes self-injurious behaviors we still need to look at a low level ADHD medication but I am hoping, lets say praying, that we will not need to look at mood stabilizers again and you can feel yourself.

With this though, you are showing more and more signs of PTSD from your past.  Given that you have no medications to help filter and help with the impulses, and you have so much more language I am seeing and hearing so much more that we need to slowly work through.  The other day you were slapping yourself across your face and saying "bad boy" (the word bad is never used in our home and never a word you have heard since you arrived in my arms).  Then, anytime you become anxious you start pulling your arms and saying "no, no hit... no bathroom... no, no, no... no pee poof... no bathroom.. no" - this occurs even when the bathroom is never mentioned or a thought to others.  Given that a great deal of your abuse was in the bathroom I know you are struggling to work through the anxiety and you need another outlet.  You are also having a very hard time again in closed rooms or when individuals you are not familiar with close doors.

Next on our list will be a very good play therapist.  You still do not have all of the language you will need to actively participate in this therapy but you can start to build a relationship and have a comfort zone for when you are ready to let it all out.  Additionally, I am starting to the application process to get you a therapy dog which would be specifically trained to help you in situations when you are overwhelmed. We have a very long road ahead of us but we have made some major gains lately, learned valuable pieces of information, and I am excited to see what tomorrow brings us.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

I'm Listening

As much as you grow, I grow.  I am trying so hard to listen these days and to actually process what I hear.  It used to be that I forced you through life.  This was not a bad thing but given your past you had to experience new things, you had to learn, grow, and open your mind to what was going on around you.  We did not have options of going to the store, putting our shoes on, or eating a meal.  These were activities you had to do in order to grow and develop.

Today though, these are not our battles.  You will happily come to me with your shoes when you are bored at home.  I will find you changed into your bathing suite when you want to go swimming, and your love for food grows daily.  I do not know any other child who's favorite meal is clam linguini :)  So today, you do have choices.  You do have a say in what activities we do and to an extent how long we stay at said activities.

Baseball has not been your favorite sport. It has it highlights and its moments but honestly,  you would prefer not to go every week.  I have taken you for a little over a month now to make sure you understood, that you realized what was going on, and that you were allowed to try to form bonds with those on your team.  Reality though, we left today.  We went, we tried, you told me "go" and we left.  I am listening.  I am realizing that your interests are different and that playing baseball for an hour will not make or break our day in the long run.  You love lacrosse and ran onto the field each week last season.  I see the difference with baseball and I see that we can find other activities that would be a better fit for you.

As your parent and being a parent of special needs child I honestly think your interest varies depending on the peers.  You are so social and interactive that you prefer to interact and play sports with typically developing peers.  A little secret though, you can't keep up.  We can probably get away with one or two more lacrosse camps which you LOVE but your peers are only getting older.  They are growing and developing as they should and you still need time.  I wish I could find a way for you to be the "bat boy" on a typical baseball team, or the cheering squad on the bleachers of a hockey team, but those are just not options.  It breaks my heart that you cannot keep up as hard as you try but I believe that you will find your nitch.

The more you communicate (appropriately) the more I am listening. The more I am handing over control, allowing you to spread you wings, and knowing that life will go on.  The more I am realizing that you are becoming an independent, social, and well adjusted little man who has an opinion and has a voice that deserves to be heard.

Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Caught In Two Worlds

I know I shouldn't get as frustrated as I do with you sometimes.  I know that every time you see me start to get agitated you start to shut down which makes everything spiral out of control even more.  I also know that you can't help it all the time and it is not necessarily a decision you are purposefully making.

You are caught between two worlds.  Your voice is starting to come through but it is not reliable yet.  You still need prompting and it is not understandable by all.  You confuse some of your words and other times struggle to come up with the right ones.  You still use your device but because it hasn't been pushed as much you are back to using only one word phrases and not even uses those as well as you used to.  The device has been great at augmenting your communication but right now it is a tough patch.  You need the device, you have to use the device, and we will have to continue to push it, often times against your better judgement.  I do not want you to be reliant upon another person to come up with the words you need, you need to learn to find them yourself whether it be on the device or verbally.

With the balancing act of language you are doing, my frustration rises.  I want it to be smoother and I don't want to have to remind you of all the things you could be saying or you could be doing.

On top of this, your academics are still killing me. You can be so focused and show all of your skills one day and the next you are a deer in the headlights just guessing and reaching for answers, not even looking at what your options are.  You thought I was frustrated over language, oh, this is a whole new level.   I don't know what causes it.  I don't know why one day you can remember all your shapes, track the words in a book, label pictures, identify your numbers, and count objects - but then less then 24 hours later it is as if I am speaking a different language and you have never seen any of the items.

We have tried numerous strategies, we work on it for several hours per day, and yet the consistency is still not there.  As soon as you seem to grab a hold of something it is gone in a fleeting moment.  Life skills are a whole other story all together and something I choose not to think about because many days I would just give up.

I don't know.  Maybe reality is starting to sink in of where you really are and where you will be in the future.  Maybe I am starting to realize that many of these concepts are so far out of reach for you.  The problem is if we put the concepts on hold that you are struggling with, we wouldn't be left with anything.  I love you for the child you are, for your sweet smile, your giggle, and passion for life.  I will always love you no matter what skills you decide to show the world but we have to find a better balance.

The frustration and tension that builds between us because of the lack of ability, or lack of trust to show the ability is getting to be too much.  We need to find more strengths, whatever those might be, and highlight them more throughout the day.  We can't keep going at this rate as the disappointment for both of us is to great.  It is not disappointment in the little boy that you are but in my frustration, that I care to much about what others think, and that I want the sun, moon, and stars for you but you seem to be happy with the grass and trees.

I love you baby -
Mom

Snowball Effect

So once a child starts to develop language it is like a snowball effect.  About the age of two years the words just start to flow and then it is nonstop.  Before this age parents are always asking their children to move and speak more but once a child hits this developmental stage parents are telling them to be quiet and sit down.

Well, lets just say I am telling you "shhh" and to chill more ofen then not these days and I love it!  As I have said, you have recently decided to start to explode with your language.  Your device is being used less and you are able to imitate almost any word asked of you.  I am so excited for this next step in our lives and to hear your sweet voice - but lets be honest, I am not sure the world is ready for you yet!

Here is a video of when I met you two years ago.  You were in school waiting for your bus to arrive and we could hear and see your emotion, inntonation, and intent.  You had something to say and were facinated by whatever was going on around you.  This was the first time I had really heard "your language" and all the passion you had with it.

We still hear this "language" today but not nearly as much.  You are much more likely to be telling me "off"  when you do not want to get up in the morning or "no" that you don't want something.  I swear every hour you are asking me "eat?" followed by asking for "cookies" or "candy."  You joint attention and overall meaning has grown so much.  The videos to follow show the depth to how hard you trying and also the games you are playing.

So obviously, this is a combination of device and verbal which is huge!  Six months ago you were not repeating the device in this fashion. You were not watching my mouth and you sure as hell were not talking :) 

Today your private speech therapist took a chance and tried to administer the Preschool Language Assessment.  This is a standarized test which you have never performed on.  You hate on demand situations and buck the system as much as possible.  When you started with her in December I think you maybe answered three or four questions tops.  Well, today you did it.  You happily engaged and participated to the best of your ability. I am more pleased that you engaged in the assessment then actually caring what the scores were!

 However, you did score at rougly the 2 year old range.  Many people would hear this and be taken aback.  How could I be so proud even though you are still 6 years shy of where you should be?  Let me say though, how could I not be proud?? You have grown leaps and bounds.  In the past 6 months you have gained almost 12 months of language development and the snowball effect is starting to happen.  The look on your face when you say a new word is priceless.  The smile in your eyes and sense of pride you have as you embark on this new state is amazing and I would not miss it for the world.

Keep On Truckin Baby
Love

Mom