I know I shouldn't get as frustrated as I do with you sometimes. I know that every time you see me start to get agitated you start to shut down which makes everything spiral out of control even more. I also know that you can't help it all the time and it is not necessarily a decision you are purposefully making.
You are caught between two worlds. Your voice is starting to come through but it is not reliable yet. You still need prompting and it is not understandable by all. You confuse some of your words and other times struggle to come up with the right ones. You still use your device but because it hasn't been pushed as much you are back to using only one word phrases and not even uses those as well as you used to. The device has been great at augmenting your communication but right now it is a tough patch. You need the device, you have to use the device, and we will have to continue to push it, often times against your better judgement. I do not want you to be reliant upon another person to come up with the words you need, you need to learn to find them yourself whether it be on the device or verbally.
With the balancing act of language you are doing, my frustration rises. I want it to be smoother and I don't want to have to remind you of all the things you could be saying or you could be doing.
On top of this, your academics are still killing me. You can be so focused and show all of your skills one day and the next you are a deer in the headlights just guessing and reaching for answers, not even looking at what your options are. You thought I was frustrated over language, oh, this is a whole new level. I don't know what causes it. I don't know why one day you can remember all your shapes, track the words in a book, label pictures, identify your numbers, and count objects - but then less then 24 hours later it is as if I am speaking a different language and you have never seen any of the items.
We have tried numerous strategies, we work on it for several hours per day, and yet the consistency is still not there. As soon as you seem to grab a hold of something it is gone in a fleeting moment. Life skills are a whole other story all together and something I choose not to think about because many days I would just give up.
I don't know. Maybe reality is starting to sink in of where you really are and where you will be in the future. Maybe I am starting to realize that many of these concepts are so far out of reach for you. The problem is if we put the concepts on hold that you are struggling with, we wouldn't be left with anything. I love you for the child you are, for your sweet smile, your giggle, and passion for life. I will always love you no matter what skills you decide to show the world but we have to find a better balance.
The frustration and tension that builds between us because of the lack of ability, or lack of trust to show the ability is getting to be too much. We need to find more strengths, whatever those might be, and highlight them more throughout the day. We can't keep going at this rate as the disappointment for both of us is to great. It is not disappointment in the little boy that you are but in my frustration, that I care to much about what others think, and that I want the sun, moon, and stars for you but you seem to be happy with the grass and trees.
I love you baby -
Mom
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