This summer has been filled with learning, sharing, laughing, and, of course, crying. It has been a very trying summer on some aspects and one of much success on others. Let me back up though and fill you in on all the changes that have occurred.
Towards the end of the school year I started to question why you were on the medication you were. Not that we did not have positive moments and for the most part predictability in your behaviors but given the high end "designer" medications that you were on I wasn't seeing the expected results. For this reason, I had the bright idea to try to take you off of them. With the help of your psychiatrist we slowly started the process to wean you from your mood stabilizers.
At first, life was golden. Your personality returned, you were not as tired all the time, and your language continued to grow. We had a few bumpy moments but overall I was thrilled and thought that maybe you were ready, that we were ready, to try to live without the medications.
Unfortunately though as summer has continued the success has not been there. What hurts the most though is seeing the amount of pain and anger from your past that you are carrying that was masked by your "designer" medication. Maybe it was helping to control the impulses so you did not think about your past or maybe it just caused a cloudy feeling so you were not processing the memories, but coming off the medications has opened a door I am not sure either of us were ready for.
What I am quickly learning is that you are experiencing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). You are repeating phrases that I can only assume were said to you as a small child, you are acting out behaviors that I can only assume were done to you, and you are feeling every aspect of the pain and anger this is causing you. You will scream as you run up the stairs "I said go to bed," followed by "no hit." In the bathroom you will look in the mirror and say "bad boy," "no hit," "no bathroom" followed by you tossing your body against the floor and slapping yourself. Today with the babysitter you just sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed. All we can do is hold you, comfort you, and assure you that you are safe and that nobody is going to hurt you. I knew that one day we would need to experience this and work through this as it is part of who you are and part of your past but I never knew that time would come now.
I wish you had more language. That you could tell me what you were thinking, what is causing the pain, or what the memories are. I wish that I could help you work through your demons but all I can do is be a shoulder for you to cry on and be a safety net for you to fall into. I have to remind myself that just now have you been in my arms as long as you were in foster care and you still have not been my little man as long as you were in your biological home. Maybe you also have an internal clock that is ticking away. I am sure you still hold onto the unknown and the unexpected. You not only experienced the trauma of your abuse, neglect, and drug exposure, but then foster care placement, and finally the placement with me. A long plane ride to an unknown place and a life that has never been the same.
With all of this though I am learning who you are. I am learning how I can best support you to grow and develop. I am learning that your behaviors are not an unknown to you but instead an unknown to me and that I need to give you more time and patience. That we are taking life at your pace and when you are ready. You are the one driving this ship baby. We have had more than enough of our share of growth, development, and emotions for one summer but I am proud to say we are both still paddling with our heads above water.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
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