You are still working on the foundational skills of language but linguistics seems to be a good long term goal for you! You see, I am fully aware that you can talk more then you let on. That there is an emotional barrier caused by your abuse, neglect, and drugs that keeps you from exposing your true language abilities. When you were locked in that room for the first three years you were not alone. Your middle sister was hidden inside with you. Being that she is deaf she could not provide you with the communication you needed either but you two could develop your own language. You speak with such intent and focus when you talk in your own language that I know you have a story to tell and that you just hope someone is listening. Your language is a combination of sounds, rhythms, beats, gestures, facial expressions, and on occasion, an understandable word.
Due to abuse and neglect you had no one to talk to you, no reason to communicate your wants and desires, and in all honesty, it was probably in your best interest to remain quiet. I remember when Jenny and I met you you could say "1," "2," "go," and... yeah, that was about it! I saw your desire though, your eye contact, your need to connect. I thought for sure it would only be a short amount of time before we were on the fast track to you talking. Oh how wrong I was.
We desperately tried to use the Picture Exchange Communication System (PEC's) from the day you arrived home. At certain times you even showed progress and that you could speak. When you wanted I would hear "I want _______" paired with the pictures as you created a sentence. You would tell me "no," "go," "cookie," and a few other words. You even imitated words you heard on occasion. As soon as it became a demand though you shut down. No matter how much you wanted the candy as soon as I required that you say it you were silent again. I remember one day you stood in front of me, silent, just looking at a piece of candy, refusing to say a word or to give me the picture. I knew we were in over our heads at this point.
I then discovered that you were hiding the pictures of your favorite items. That you were hoarding the pictures of cars, balls, candy, food items, and others. The pictures meant as much to you as the actual items did and you were not giving them up to anybody, including me. You had not yet developed the trust that was needed to communicate.
So, I ran out and bought you an iPad. I thought that if you didn't have to hand over a picture but instead have full possession of an item we could make more progress. This proved to be true as I have written you before. You would not share with anyone and quickly learned to navigate through screens to request your favorite items. This was then upgraded in June of 2011 to the Dynavox Maestro.
Technology aside you even show verbal skills when there is no stress and when you feel you can let your guard down. You have stunned all those around when we hear your sweet voice with comments such as "high sally," "I didn't know you were coming," "hi Jesus," "hold my hand," "pick me up," "I said ______," "oh shit," "hell no," "and of course, "wuv you." The list goes on and these are things we hear maybe once or twice and then its gone, into the abyss of your locked box that only you hold the key to and only you can control when you are ready to let it all out.
I know though that the system itself is not what is making the difference. It is the trust with your communication partners, you feeling of security, and your increased desire to build relationships. Abuse and neglect did teach you to please others and smile and nod and seek permission using what ever form of communication you could, but it tore down the meaning behind relationships. You never experienced the desire to want to form bonding relationships before because there was nobody who you cared enough about and nobody who cared enough about what you had to say.
Slowly we have changed that though. It has taken years and will continue to take years for you to grow the passion to communicate on a different level. It is no longer just about gestures and trying to get your daily needs met but instead it is about friendship, the world around you, and expressing your personality. Your communication has changed from requesting food items and asking for a tickle on occasion to now asking for a turn in a game, telling your friend "wow" and "awesome" when you watch her ride a two wheeler for the first time, and my new favorite, telling me "wow" after you have gone to the bathroom (you are such a boy).
I never would have imagined how much impact abuse and neglect could have on language. I know it makes sense looking at it now and breaking down the pieces, I just had never prepared myself for this to be our largest challenge. Society judges individuals on what they say, their opinion, and their perspective on the world. If you are unable to answer their questions or communicate in their language then you are looked over and the opportunities start to fly by. We fight daily so that you do not miss the opportunities and that you experience the world on your own time. I have done my best to give you the "tools" needed to communicate but what I am realizing is the tools will not make the difference. It will be when you feel that you can finally let the wall fall down for good. When you feel that you will be safe exposed to the elements without hiding behind your own language and when you have developed the confidence in yourself that was stripped from you in your early years. It will be when you are ready to let go the piece of the past that beat you down and trust in all that you have become and strive to be.
Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
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