Yup, its a new behavior these days. I will find you spinning in circles and laughing at yourself. Mind you, you have enough problems standing on your own two feet so trying to walk after spinning is not in your best interest. But maybe I need to take this advice also.
My head has been spinning trying to figure you out. These days have been a constant evaluation and re-evaluation of schedules, interventions, therapists, and behaviors. It is maddening to try to figure out what might be going on in your head and there are days I wish you could just turn around and tell me. That you could just give me a little hint to what makes your world go 'round. With all of these circles though it makes it hard for us to stay focused on what matters.
After dropping you off at school I spend my time wondering how your day is going. Are you behaving? Are the medications working? What would help you be more successful? I know this is enough to drive anyone crazy and in all honesty it is not helping you. At home I wonder when you are gong to lose it? How much sleep do you need? I'm I focusing on the right skills? What will tomorrow look like? My trying to evaluate and process and understand every little aspect is not going to change you having a rough day or deciding to speak your voice when your opinion will not change the situation.
Most importantly this constant spinning does not allow us to continue to walk forward. Just as you stumble when you are dizzy, I cannot expect you to continue to move forward if I am dizzy also. I need to be your cheering squad, your shoulder to cry on, and most importantly your foundation. Within this I will of course make decisions to help support you along the way but what I am learning is that I do not need to understand it all.
I am continuing to let go and let you live and everyday brings us a new adventure
Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Cornfields of Idaho
I cannot believe that it was two years ago today that I held you in my arms for the first time. That you ran back and forth between the mirror at daycare and my arms to be picked up just giggling and smiling. You didn't miss a beat, you knew there was special going on that day and I was overwhelmed with emotion.
I will be honest, you caught me off guard. The child they had described on paper was not interactive, liked to play by himself, didn't respond to people, sat in the corner, and of course liked to bang his head. Ummm.. well, not exactly! You were a wild man from the moment Jenny and I met you and you have yet to slow down.
Your smile, giggle, excitment, and engagement pulled me in from that moment. The trip was supposed to be to decide if you and I were the right match. To decided if we would be the forever family - there was no question in my mind though. My social worker, friends, family, and anyone that had read your paperwork had warned me. They told me to meet you with an open mind and a closed heart. To really think hard about how your needs would affect my life and what I saw for your future. They were scared for me and for you. It was the unexpected. At one time my social worker wrote: "Here is the draft of the child specific part. Think this through carefully and be sure you're doing the right thing. Regards."
How though can you tell someone who is meeting her son to go with an open mind and closed heart. How can you tell a mother who is going to hold her son to think about the commitment and then decide after meeting him if they still wanted to have "this" child. I went into adoption not knowing what to expect. Knowing that there were no promises but doesn't every mom go into that when they find out they are expecting a child. There is no secret code for a child who does not have special needs, or a key to having a baby who doesn't need a little extra support. Why would adoption be any different?
From the moment I stepped on the plane to go Idaho I knew you were my son. I knew that no matter what we would work hard and just great each day of challenges with a new outlook. Meeting you in person and spending three days in Idaho with you was just a little prep-course and gathering a little more information before you would come home a month later.
The process finding you was definitely an adventure. Maybe my rollar coaster of an experience of adoption was just to prepare for the ride you put through daily. I will never forget though when I found out I was the lucky one selected to be your mommy. A client of mine and his family had invited me over for a traditional Indian lunch so I could experience their culture a little more and then I was to do a therapy session afterwards. As I was walking up the driveway a voicemail came through (don't know how I missed the call) from a social worker in Idaho. It was very short, basically they had met and I was selected and for me to plan my first trip. I then got a follow up email to give them a call. I will say, I have no clue what I ate for lunch that day or how it tasted, and the therapy session was the longest ever before I could run out of the house to call the social worker back and start to make my plans. The time had finally come. Three years after starting the adoption process I was going to met my son!
While in Idaho we were able to spend a great deal of time with you and also those who knew you the best (or thought they knew you). Anything from daycares to preschools to the foster home, and then just taking you out in the community. I think the community part is when Jenny and I both looked at each with an "oh shit" this is going to be a challenge. But never did I doubt you were coming home.
So baby, it was two years ago today that I first held you. That I promised you I would come back and pick you up, and that I started to prepare for our life together. Honestly though, nothing could have prepared me for what the future would hold, for how both of lives have changed, grown, and the experiences we have had. It has been an amazing adventure that I would not change a second of. You are my little Hot Mess and my son. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow bring and the years to come. I am so honored that I was selected to be your mommy.
Our First Encounters :
Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom
I will be honest, you caught me off guard. The child they had described on paper was not interactive, liked to play by himself, didn't respond to people, sat in the corner, and of course liked to bang his head. Ummm.. well, not exactly! You were a wild man from the moment Jenny and I met you and you have yet to slow down.
Your smile, giggle, excitment, and engagement pulled me in from that moment. The trip was supposed to be to decide if you and I were the right match. To decided if we would be the forever family - there was no question in my mind though. My social worker, friends, family, and anyone that had read your paperwork had warned me. They told me to meet you with an open mind and a closed heart. To really think hard about how your needs would affect my life and what I saw for your future. They were scared for me and for you. It was the unexpected. At one time my social worker wrote: "Here is the draft of the child specific part. Think this through carefully and be sure you're doing the right thing. Regards."
How though can you tell someone who is meeting her son to go with an open mind and closed heart. How can you tell a mother who is going to hold her son to think about the commitment and then decide after meeting him if they still wanted to have "this" child. I went into adoption not knowing what to expect. Knowing that there were no promises but doesn't every mom go into that when they find out they are expecting a child. There is no secret code for a child who does not have special needs, or a key to having a baby who doesn't need a little extra support. Why would adoption be any different?
From the moment I stepped on the plane to go Idaho I knew you were my son. I knew that no matter what we would work hard and just great each day of challenges with a new outlook. Meeting you in person and spending three days in Idaho with you was just a little prep-course and gathering a little more information before you would come home a month later.
The process finding you was definitely an adventure. Maybe my rollar coaster of an experience of adoption was just to prepare for the ride you put through daily. I will never forget though when I found out I was the lucky one selected to be your mommy. A client of mine and his family had invited me over for a traditional Indian lunch so I could experience their culture a little more and then I was to do a therapy session afterwards. As I was walking up the driveway a voicemail came through (don't know how I missed the call) from a social worker in Idaho. It was very short, basically they had met and I was selected and for me to plan my first trip. I then got a follow up email to give them a call. I will say, I have no clue what I ate for lunch that day or how it tasted, and the therapy session was the longest ever before I could run out of the house to call the social worker back and start to make my plans. The time had finally come. Three years after starting the adoption process I was going to met my son!
While in Idaho we were able to spend a great deal of time with you and also those who knew you the best (or thought they knew you). Anything from daycares to preschools to the foster home, and then just taking you out in the community. I think the community part is when Jenny and I both looked at each with an "oh shit" this is going to be a challenge. But never did I doubt you were coming home.
So baby, it was two years ago today that I first held you. That I promised you I would come back and pick you up, and that I started to prepare for our life together. Honestly though, nothing could have prepared me for what the future would hold, for how both of lives have changed, grown, and the experiences we have had. It has been an amazing adventure that I would not change a second of. You are my little Hot Mess and my son. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow bring and the years to come. I am so honored that I was selected to be your mommy.
Our First Encounters :
Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom
Monday, April 9, 2012
Linguistics
You are still working on the foundational skills of language but linguistics seems to be a good long term goal for you! You see, I am fully aware that you can talk more then you let on. That there is an emotional barrier caused by your abuse, neglect, and drugs that keeps you from exposing your true language abilities. When you were locked in that room for the first three years you were not alone. Your middle sister was hidden inside with you. Being that she is deaf she could not provide you with the communication you needed either but you two could develop your own language. You speak with such intent and focus when you talk in your own language that I know you have a story to tell and that you just hope someone is listening. Your language is a combination of sounds, rhythms, beats, gestures, facial expressions, and on occasion, an understandable word.
Due to abuse and neglect you had no one to talk to you, no reason to communicate your wants and desires, and in all honesty, it was probably in your best interest to remain quiet. I remember when Jenny and I met you you could say "1," "2," "go," and... yeah, that was about it! I saw your desire though, your eye contact, your need to connect. I thought for sure it would only be a short amount of time before we were on the fast track to you talking. Oh how wrong I was.
We desperately tried to use the Picture Exchange Communication System (PEC's) from the day you arrived home. At certain times you even showed progress and that you could speak. When you wanted I would hear "I want _______" paired with the pictures as you created a sentence. You would tell me "no," "go," "cookie," and a few other words. You even imitated words you heard on occasion. As soon as it became a demand though you shut down. No matter how much you wanted the candy as soon as I required that you say it you were silent again. I remember one day you stood in front of me, silent, just looking at a piece of candy, refusing to say a word or to give me the picture. I knew we were in over our heads at this point.
I then discovered that you were hiding the pictures of your favorite items. That you were hoarding the pictures of cars, balls, candy, food items, and others. The pictures meant as much to you as the actual items did and you were not giving them up to anybody, including me. You had not yet developed the trust that was needed to communicate.
So, I ran out and bought you an iPad. I thought that if you didn't have to hand over a picture but instead have full possession of an item we could make more progress. This proved to be true as I have written you before. You would not share with anyone and quickly learned to navigate through screens to request your favorite items. This was then upgraded in June of 2011 to the Dynavox Maestro.
Technology aside you even show verbal skills when there is no stress and when you feel you can let your guard down. You have stunned all those around when we hear your sweet voice with comments such as "high sally," "I didn't know you were coming," "hi Jesus," "hold my hand," "pick me up," "I said ______," "oh shit," "hell no," "and of course, "wuv you." The list goes on and these are things we hear maybe once or twice and then its gone, into the abyss of your locked box that only you hold the key to and only you can control when you are ready to let it all out.
I know though that the system itself is not what is making the difference. It is the trust with your communication partners, you feeling of security, and your increased desire to build relationships. Abuse and neglect did teach you to please others and smile and nod and seek permission using what ever form of communication you could, but it tore down the meaning behind relationships. You never experienced the desire to want to form bonding relationships before because there was nobody who you cared enough about and nobody who cared enough about what you had to say.
Slowly we have changed that though. It has taken years and will continue to take years for you to grow the passion to communicate on a different level. It is no longer just about gestures and trying to get your daily needs met but instead it is about friendship, the world around you, and expressing your personality. Your communication has changed from requesting food items and asking for a tickle on occasion to now asking for a turn in a game, telling your friend "wow" and "awesome" when you watch her ride a two wheeler for the first time, and my new favorite, telling me "wow" after you have gone to the bathroom (you are such a boy).
I never would have imagined how much impact abuse and neglect could have on language. I know it makes sense looking at it now and breaking down the pieces, I just had never prepared myself for this to be our largest challenge. Society judges individuals on what they say, their opinion, and their perspective on the world. If you are unable to answer their questions or communicate in their language then you are looked over and the opportunities start to fly by. We fight daily so that you do not miss the opportunities and that you experience the world on your own time. I have done my best to give you the "tools" needed to communicate but what I am realizing is the tools will not make the difference. It will be when you feel that you can finally let the wall fall down for good. When you feel that you will be safe exposed to the elements without hiding behind your own language and when you have developed the confidence in yourself that was stripped from you in your early years. It will be when you are ready to let go the piece of the past that beat you down and trust in all that you have become and strive to be.
Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
Due to abuse and neglect you had no one to talk to you, no reason to communicate your wants and desires, and in all honesty, it was probably in your best interest to remain quiet. I remember when Jenny and I met you you could say "1," "2," "go," and... yeah, that was about it! I saw your desire though, your eye contact, your need to connect. I thought for sure it would only be a short amount of time before we were on the fast track to you talking. Oh how wrong I was.
We desperately tried to use the Picture Exchange Communication System (PEC's) from the day you arrived home. At certain times you even showed progress and that you could speak. When you wanted I would hear "I want _______" paired with the pictures as you created a sentence. You would tell me "no," "go," "cookie," and a few other words. You even imitated words you heard on occasion. As soon as it became a demand though you shut down. No matter how much you wanted the candy as soon as I required that you say it you were silent again. I remember one day you stood in front of me, silent, just looking at a piece of candy, refusing to say a word or to give me the picture. I knew we were in over our heads at this point.
I then discovered that you were hiding the pictures of your favorite items. That you were hoarding the pictures of cars, balls, candy, food items, and others. The pictures meant as much to you as the actual items did and you were not giving them up to anybody, including me. You had not yet developed the trust that was needed to communicate.
So, I ran out and bought you an iPad. I thought that if you didn't have to hand over a picture but instead have full possession of an item we could make more progress. This proved to be true as I have written you before. You would not share with anyone and quickly learned to navigate through screens to request your favorite items. This was then upgraded in June of 2011 to the Dynavox Maestro.
Technology aside you even show verbal skills when there is no stress and when you feel you can let your guard down. You have stunned all those around when we hear your sweet voice with comments such as "high sally," "I didn't know you were coming," "hi Jesus," "hold my hand," "pick me up," "I said ______," "oh shit," "hell no," "and of course, "wuv you." The list goes on and these are things we hear maybe once or twice and then its gone, into the abyss of your locked box that only you hold the key to and only you can control when you are ready to let it all out.
I know though that the system itself is not what is making the difference. It is the trust with your communication partners, you feeling of security, and your increased desire to build relationships. Abuse and neglect did teach you to please others and smile and nod and seek permission using what ever form of communication you could, but it tore down the meaning behind relationships. You never experienced the desire to want to form bonding relationships before because there was nobody who you cared enough about and nobody who cared enough about what you had to say.
Slowly we have changed that though. It has taken years and will continue to take years for you to grow the passion to communicate on a different level. It is no longer just about gestures and trying to get your daily needs met but instead it is about friendship, the world around you, and expressing your personality. Your communication has changed from requesting food items and asking for a tickle on occasion to now asking for a turn in a game, telling your friend "wow" and "awesome" when you watch her ride a two wheeler for the first time, and my new favorite, telling me "wow" after you have gone to the bathroom (you are such a boy).
I never would have imagined how much impact abuse and neglect could have on language. I know it makes sense looking at it now and breaking down the pieces, I just had never prepared myself for this to be our largest challenge. Society judges individuals on what they say, their opinion, and their perspective on the world. If you are unable to answer their questions or communicate in their language then you are looked over and the opportunities start to fly by. We fight daily so that you do not miss the opportunities and that you experience the world on your own time. I have done my best to give you the "tools" needed to communicate but what I am realizing is the tools will not make the difference. It will be when you feel that you can finally let the wall fall down for good. When you feel that you will be safe exposed to the elements without hiding behind your own language and when you have developed the confidence in yourself that was stripped from you in your early years. It will be when you are ready to let go the piece of the past that beat you down and trust in all that you have become and strive to be.
Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Perspective
As I have sat here and written to you about how child abuse and neglect have affected your past it has also put into perspective how far you have come. I am not saying it is still not hard when I look at your developmental age, your programming, language, or behaviors, but it has shown me the wonderful child you are becoming. That your personality is starting to shine through and you really are just this little gift that keeps on giving - sometimes in more ways then one.
With this I feel a new level of acceptance and understanding for you today. A few years ago someone told me that if I kept apologizing for you and did not accept you for who you were, the world around us never would. I thought at that time that I understood what that meant but it wasn't until recently that I can honestly say it now makes sense. I should never have to apologize for you if you make a noise as a form of communication, if you have a hard time sitting still, or if you accidently bump into people because your balance is not the best. I should never have to apologize that you do not understand what it means to take turns, wait in line, or share a toy. I should never have to apologize for you being who you are, showing your personality, and growing everyday. I should never have to apologize as long as you are trying and learning on a daily basis and that we are consistently working on these skills.
You work very hard to make it through the day. To try to remember all the rules that you must follow, to try to communicate appropriately, and to blend in with those around you. Do other parents feel they have to apologize if their child is having a bad day or if their child is rude or demonstrates a lack of understanding? Do other parents feel the need to apologize when you are overlooked and left standing in the dust just trying so hard to keep up? The answer is no, they don't, they simple feel it is just who their child is and that their child is still growing and learning. Well, that is exactly what you are doing. Other parents feel that because you do not speak their language that you do not understand when you are mistreated or looked over but in reality you do understand. Other parents also believe that since you are the child with special needs that is enough of an excuse to be treated unfairly or you are the one to blame. In reality though, it is time society starts looking at the children who are supposed to be considered "typical" and not the child with special needs. You read people better then anyone I know and it is a skill that will carry you far in life but may also cause pain as you continue to find your way.
In all honesty, you do behavior better than most children your age. Given all of your areas of need you always ask permission, use please and thank you, try to console those who you are hurt and sad, and forgive those that have hurt you. You follow the rules, know your boundaries, and are aware of your limitations. You want to be friendly with all and do not judge those around you. There is a spark in your eyes that attracts many and draws people in, it is this spark that we need to continue to build off of.
So what does putting all of this into perspective mean? How do we grow and develop upon this? I hate to say it but I am not completely sure. I want the best for you and I know you have so much to offer those that will allow you. I do know that it means I continue to sit back and watch. I allow you to grow and develop and just smile at the child you are becoming. That I do not put you in situations where you are not accepted, that I try to protect you from the side of the world that will try to break you. You have already proven to the world once that you can survive anything and still come out smiling - it is now my job as your mom to create a path of acceptance and support. With this, you will continue to thrive.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
With this I feel a new level of acceptance and understanding for you today. A few years ago someone told me that if I kept apologizing for you and did not accept you for who you were, the world around us never would. I thought at that time that I understood what that meant but it wasn't until recently that I can honestly say it now makes sense. I should never have to apologize for you if you make a noise as a form of communication, if you have a hard time sitting still, or if you accidently bump into people because your balance is not the best. I should never have to apologize that you do not understand what it means to take turns, wait in line, or share a toy. I should never have to apologize for you being who you are, showing your personality, and growing everyday. I should never have to apologize as long as you are trying and learning on a daily basis and that we are consistently working on these skills.
You work very hard to make it through the day. To try to remember all the rules that you must follow, to try to communicate appropriately, and to blend in with those around you. Do other parents feel they have to apologize if their child is having a bad day or if their child is rude or demonstrates a lack of understanding? Do other parents feel the need to apologize when you are overlooked and left standing in the dust just trying so hard to keep up? The answer is no, they don't, they simple feel it is just who their child is and that their child is still growing and learning. Well, that is exactly what you are doing. Other parents feel that because you do not speak their language that you do not understand when you are mistreated or looked over but in reality you do understand. Other parents also believe that since you are the child with special needs that is enough of an excuse to be treated unfairly or you are the one to blame. In reality though, it is time society starts looking at the children who are supposed to be considered "typical" and not the child with special needs. You read people better then anyone I know and it is a skill that will carry you far in life but may also cause pain as you continue to find your way.
In all honesty, you do behavior better than most children your age. Given all of your areas of need you always ask permission, use please and thank you, try to console those who you are hurt and sad, and forgive those that have hurt you. You follow the rules, know your boundaries, and are aware of your limitations. You want to be friendly with all and do not judge those around you. There is a spark in your eyes that attracts many and draws people in, it is this spark that we need to continue to build off of.
So what does putting all of this into perspective mean? How do we grow and develop upon this? I hate to say it but I am not completely sure. I want the best for you and I know you have so much to offer those that will allow you. I do know that it means I continue to sit back and watch. I allow you to grow and develop and just smile at the child you are becoming. That I do not put you in situations where you are not accepted, that I try to protect you from the side of the world that will try to break you. You have already proven to the world once that you can survive anything and still come out smiling - it is now my job as your mom to create a path of acceptance and support. With this, you will continue to thrive.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
Behaviors
Yeah so I think it would almost be easier to list the behaviors that child abuse and drug exposure did not affect as opposed to all of the ones it does but I will do my best to summarize for you. I have talked to you endlessly about behaviors, your strengths and weaknesses, and again this all ties in with all your areas of need. You have had so much growth in this area though and so many strides that you have worked very hard for.
Two years ago we could not even walk around the block without an issue. I remember the day after you came home I had the bright idea of taking you and all three dogs for a short walk in the morning. I mean it was just around the block and its not like you had never been outside before so what could be so hard? Oh was I wrong. I should have given up after it took me twenty minutes to get your shoes on your feet and finally had to hold you down to do it. I should have given up when it took another twenty minutes to get you through the front door but as we all know, I am stubborn. We had not even made it three feet before the screaming started, face slapping, falling to the ground, and any other behavior you could think of. Me thinking using behavior techniques would work with you just kept on walking and hoping you would follow in line. You did continue to walk but were extremely unhappy and made that known. So much so that Sally and the kids quickly got dressed, ran out of the house, and joined us on the walk to help us make it through. This was another moment that I had to look at myself and ask what I had gotten myself into this time! I would say it was good nine months before you could walk around the block without screaming - people would always come out of their house to make sure you were okay and somebody was not dying as that is what you sounded like.
It was also the day after you came home that Nancy and I had to take you by the fire station to make sure your car seat was installed properly. You willingly got out of the car once there and waited somewhat patiently while they tightened it down but holly hell broke lose when I tried to but you back into the seat. So, in front of about five firefighters I had to "nicely" climb on top of you and pin you into your seat. I quickly learned this would be our new routine anytime we had to go someplace during those first six months and was extremely happy I had upgraded to the four door SUV just a few short months before you came home as it would have never been possible in the two door!
Transitions were hard for you. You were afraid of the unknown, you were not sure that this was home for you yet, and I think most of all you didn't want to leave your toys as you had never really had any before. The hoarding was something I somewhat expected but not to the degree I found. I had no idea you were hiding clothes behind your bed, food in baggies, or toys where only you could find them. It didn't take me long to discover we would have to find some new boundaries and build levels of trust that those items were not going anywhere.
What was the hardest though was your "light switch" temper. This impacted all aspects of your life and frustrated me to no end. You would ask for something so we would give it to you only to find you throwing a tantrum because you had decided you really didn't want it. For days on end it was you pushing the boundaries as far as you could, waiting for my response and reaction. You being a master in waiting also could go all day and night without complying. It killed me as I specialize in working with behaviors that I could not figure yours out or start to see progress on this front.
The list went on, I watched you act out abuse situations, yell and shake stuffed animals, cry for no apparent reason and then sit and laugh hysterically when nothing was going on around you. You would only eat food from baggies that you "stole" off of counter tops, you would wake up with night terrors but were unable to tell me what who or what the demons were, and as much as you wanted friends you had no concept of play, sharing, or interacting appropriately. Your self injurious behaviors were concerning - face slapping, pinching yourself, throwing yourself down stairs, into walls and tables, and head banging. When we were in the bathroom if you had a flashback you would pull at your genitals until they bled and then look at me as if to ask "what just happened?" When you were angry you would go someplace where you could see your reflection such as the TV screen, door knobs, or trash cans, and watch as you yelled at yourself and then pull your own ears so hard that you often bruised the entire ear and on your face and neck surrounding them. We struggled to make it through the day a lot those first few months. I questioned my ability to provide for you and be everything you needed as everyday I discovered new needs you would have
Then, slowly, you let a few walls down. We were able to teach a few foundational skills to decrease the frustration. You started to realize this was your home and no matter what you did you were not going anywhere. That life went on and we did have to make transitions to get through the day and we had to make transitions to go places and see people you learned to love. On top of this we did turn to the route of medication to help keep your light switch "on" and stable instead of shorting out.
Don't get me wrong, you are still one of the most stubborn little guys I know and can wait an eternity if it is something you feel strongly about, but our life has settled. Your moments are few and far between and when they do happen, it is more typical of the developmental stage you are going through. Just yesterday we spent three hours walking around the zoo and you were able to interact with those around us, try to engage with the animals, and take in the world around you. You are able to show your likes and dislikes, to make and keep friends, and to continue to grow.
You will always know who you can manipulate and who you can get away with more with, but what seven year old does not know that. Child abuse and neglect took away the first five years of your life and still lingers in your past now. There are still moments you wake up screaming in the middle night or times when you cannot process all that is going on around you, but today you are a happy balanced child who wakes up each day ready to take on the world. You are no longer afraid of the unknown with those you trust but instead greet it as an opportunity to laugh and learn.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Cognition
This will probably be one of my hardest posts to you. It is important though to know how your past and how child abuse has affected your cognitive skills. I have debated what order to talk about your different areas of need in and how each aspect has influenced your life differently. Cognition and academic ability are really like an umbrella over everything. It affects behaviors, language, social, etc. I think more importantly I needed to be ready to talk about it to you.
Recently, now that more pieces are starting to fall into place for you it has become more obvious how impacted your cognitive skills are at this time and the intensive teaching you will require for years to come to continue to make progress. When you first came to me at the age of 5 I used to say you were about 12 months developmentally. No concept of pre-academic or foundational skills, not toilet trained, could not walk up and down stairs, did not know how to use utensils, no language, limited social, and the list went on. I remember you trying to eat the stick of a popcicle and holding it by the frozen end because you didn't know any better, eating cereal with milk with your hands because you did not have a clue what a spoon was, and trying to eat the cards for the memory game because there was no concept of using them in any other way. Thinking back on it today I am not even sure we could say 12 months developmentally in some areas as it was probably lower.
Neglect caused you to miss exposure to language skills. It caused you to miss social opportunities every child needs and thrives off of. It caused you to be so under developed that you were no where near ready to conquer these skills. The neglect you experienced meant that no one talked to you daily. No one labeled items in your environment or showed you how to complete tasks such as cause and effect toys, puzzles, building blocks, or simply singing songs. You had no one to imitate or interact with.
Abuse caused you to fear being wrong and to seek permission for everything you did. Abuse caused you to stop trying to learn new skills because there was no motivation, reinforcement, or even opportunities for you to apply skills if you did learn them. Abuse caused you to become aversive to adults working with you and to fight the system of anyone trying to help you.
Drug exposure..... Yes, the big one here.... Drug exposure has impacted your ability to learn new skills. Drug exposure altered your chemistry, the structure of your brain development, and built barriers to being able to move forward. Drug exposure made you lose a sense of yourself. It dulled your cognitive ability, your personality, and your rate of acquisition. We all see what meth does to adults, just imagine what it did to your developing body and brain in those early and vital years.
All three of these areas have impacted your ability, even today, to continue to make strides academically. Recently I have had a really hard time admitting this and coming to terms with the full extent of your disability and how it affects your cognitive ability. This does not mean I am changing my expectations or hopes and dreams for you but it does mean I have to be grounded in my approach and our day to day lives. Today your language is probably equivalent to about 24 months (with the use of your device), your early academic skills about 36 months, gross motor development around 36 months. Your social skills are closer to a four year old but it is difficult given your delays in other areas to keep up socially. I struggle because I want to say that in the two years you have been home that you have mastered these skills and that we are working towards more age appropriate concepts but alas, I have to admit, we have not.
It has not been until about the last six months, with our move to Ohio, that you are even more available to learn these skills. We have had to work through so many obstacles caused by your past that have affected your willingness and your ability that we are just now at a point that i am starting to see the spark. Just now, at the age of 8 are you showing that you are ready to start understanding some of these concepts and move through these skills in a very systematic and broken down way.
I think it is also these last six months that have put into perspective to me where your skills lie and that I am wonder why two years ago I even attempted colors or shapes. Why two years ago I was getting angry when you didn't understand multi-step directions when they were given to you, that your pants went on your legs and your shirt over your head, or that you were supposed to sit down at a table and eat a full meal.
We have made so many gains and you have grown and developed in all areas. Abuse, neglect, and drugs have impacted the child you are today and have influenced your thought process. More importantly though, you are pulling through and you are thriving to learn more. You are bucking the system less and allowing those close to you to help you. Recently you have shown me your passion for animals - anything from zoo and farm animals to household pets. You have shown me that math and science are much stronger subjects for you and you have so much more interest in them then reading. That skills such as colors and shapes really have no meaning to you but you can label money with your eyes closed and will happily count and tell me how many pieces of candy you have (as long as you get to eat if afterwards). We will build off of these motivations and I know you will continue to make progress - it is just difficult sometimes to watch how hard you work and yet still have so far to go.
Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
Recently, now that more pieces are starting to fall into place for you it has become more obvious how impacted your cognitive skills are at this time and the intensive teaching you will require for years to come to continue to make progress. When you first came to me at the age of 5 I used to say you were about 12 months developmentally. No concept of pre-academic or foundational skills, not toilet trained, could not walk up and down stairs, did not know how to use utensils, no language, limited social, and the list went on. I remember you trying to eat the stick of a popcicle and holding it by the frozen end because you didn't know any better, eating cereal with milk with your hands because you did not have a clue what a spoon was, and trying to eat the cards for the memory game because there was no concept of using them in any other way. Thinking back on it today I am not even sure we could say 12 months developmentally in some areas as it was probably lower.
Neglect caused you to miss exposure to language skills. It caused you to miss social opportunities every child needs and thrives off of. It caused you to be so under developed that you were no where near ready to conquer these skills. The neglect you experienced meant that no one talked to you daily. No one labeled items in your environment or showed you how to complete tasks such as cause and effect toys, puzzles, building blocks, or simply singing songs. You had no one to imitate or interact with.
Abuse caused you to fear being wrong and to seek permission for everything you did. Abuse caused you to stop trying to learn new skills because there was no motivation, reinforcement, or even opportunities for you to apply skills if you did learn them. Abuse caused you to become aversive to adults working with you and to fight the system of anyone trying to help you.
Drug exposure..... Yes, the big one here.... Drug exposure has impacted your ability to learn new skills. Drug exposure altered your chemistry, the structure of your brain development, and built barriers to being able to move forward. Drug exposure made you lose a sense of yourself. It dulled your cognitive ability, your personality, and your rate of acquisition. We all see what meth does to adults, just imagine what it did to your developing body and brain in those early and vital years.
All three of these areas have impacted your ability, even today, to continue to make strides academically. Recently I have had a really hard time admitting this and coming to terms with the full extent of your disability and how it affects your cognitive ability. This does not mean I am changing my expectations or hopes and dreams for you but it does mean I have to be grounded in my approach and our day to day lives. Today your language is probably equivalent to about 24 months (with the use of your device), your early academic skills about 36 months, gross motor development around 36 months. Your social skills are closer to a four year old but it is difficult given your delays in other areas to keep up socially. I struggle because I want to say that in the two years you have been home that you have mastered these skills and that we are working towards more age appropriate concepts but alas, I have to admit, we have not.
It has not been until about the last six months, with our move to Ohio, that you are even more available to learn these skills. We have had to work through so many obstacles caused by your past that have affected your willingness and your ability that we are just now at a point that i am starting to see the spark. Just now, at the age of 8 are you showing that you are ready to start understanding some of these concepts and move through these skills in a very systematic and broken down way.
I think it is also these last six months that have put into perspective to me where your skills lie and that I am wonder why two years ago I even attempted colors or shapes. Why two years ago I was getting angry when you didn't understand multi-step directions when they were given to you, that your pants went on your legs and your shirt over your head, or that you were supposed to sit down at a table and eat a full meal.
We have made so many gains and you have grown and developed in all areas. Abuse, neglect, and drugs have impacted the child you are today and have influenced your thought process. More importantly though, you are pulling through and you are thriving to learn more. You are bucking the system less and allowing those close to you to help you. Recently you have shown me your passion for animals - anything from zoo and farm animals to household pets. You have shown me that math and science are much stronger subjects for you and you have so much more interest in them then reading. That skills such as colors and shapes really have no meaning to you but you can label money with your eyes closed and will happily count and tell me how many pieces of candy you have (as long as you get to eat if afterwards). We will build off of these motivations and I know you will continue to make progress - it is just difficult sometimes to watch how hard you work and yet still have so far to go.
Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Relationships
You have been blessed. I don't know how and I don't know why except from the grace of God you are still able to bond and form relationships with those around you. I credit this most to your oldest biological sibling. You see, you were not alone during those first few years of your life. Your parents may have abused and neglected you but you had two wonderful older sisters who did the best they could for you. You spent a great deal of time in a room with the middle sister who is actually deaf and blind in one eye (the sibling who took the most abuse) and then you also had another sister who was both of your caretakers. Ages today, I believe your oldest sister would be turning 18 this year, the middle is turning 13 and you are turning 8. I will never forget the police report I read before I even met you that describes three children walking down a street, dirty, and the eldest child caring a baby. You were probably about two to three years at this point but more the size of a 12-18 month old. The adoption team actually tried for while for you and your oldest sister to be adopted together but due to your developmental needs and the age between you two, it just wasn't possible.
You thrive off your relationships. I laugh as I watch you interact with those around us because you know who to manipulate and how. You will be friendly to almost anyone but allow very few to actually be close to you. You can tell in an instant who you can trust, who will be your friend, and who is truly just an ends to a mean. For those of us that you allow to see all sides of you we are blessed. You have such an amazing outlook on life and offer so much to those around you. You build upon your relationships and give back so much more then what we are able to give to you. The lessons you teach us daily are wise beyond your years.
Due to your past though manipulation is your go to in any new relationship. As much as you are able and willing (in the long run) to bond and connect everyone must first own their stripes with you. You will pretend to not understand, to be unwilling, and to not process the world around you. Past abuse has taught you to be afraid of adults who may raise their voice, to shy away from women, and to fear the unknown. Abuse and neglect has taught you that a wrong answer may be greeted with a fist, that not trying is better then failing, and that being social with many but friends with few will help you get through the day. These tactics are what helped your survive and what helped to carry you through. Usually though, with a little persistence, you make a "mistake." You allow others to see that you have so much more going on and that you do understand. Once you open that door it is all downhill for and you have won the hearts of those around you.
These are just a few of the pictures that show the relationships you have formed since being home. Two years ago you didn't know what "trust" meant. You didn't understand relationships or what it was to be loved for who you are. You didn't have a concept of life. Because your sisters loved you though and because they cared for you to the best of their ability you are able to love today. Your past may have created a strong wall between you and building a true rapport with others but it is also what has given you the strength and courage that you bring to any new relationship. Today, you are able to show us who you are, take pride in yourself, and most importantly allow some of us to see the real you. The child that loves, learns, and challenges the world on a daily basis.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
You thrive off your relationships. I laugh as I watch you interact with those around us because you know who to manipulate and how. You will be friendly to almost anyone but allow very few to actually be close to you. You can tell in an instant who you can trust, who will be your friend, and who is truly just an ends to a mean. For those of us that you allow to see all sides of you we are blessed. You have such an amazing outlook on life and offer so much to those around you. You build upon your relationships and give back so much more then what we are able to give to you. The lessons you teach us daily are wise beyond your years.
Due to your past though manipulation is your go to in any new relationship. As much as you are able and willing (in the long run) to bond and connect everyone must first own their stripes with you. You will pretend to not understand, to be unwilling, and to not process the world around you. Past abuse has taught you to be afraid of adults who may raise their voice, to shy away from women, and to fear the unknown. Abuse and neglect has taught you that a wrong answer may be greeted with a fist, that not trying is better then failing, and that being social with many but friends with few will help you get through the day. These tactics are what helped your survive and what helped to carry you through. Usually though, with a little persistence, you make a "mistake." You allow others to see that you have so much more going on and that you do understand. Once you open that door it is all downhill for and you have won the hearts of those around you.
These are just a few of the pictures that show the relationships you have formed since being home. Two years ago you didn't know what "trust" meant. You didn't understand relationships or what it was to be loved for who you are. You didn't have a concept of life. Because your sisters loved you though and because they cared for you to the best of their ability you are able to love today. Your past may have created a strong wall between you and building a true rapport with others but it is also what has given you the strength and courage that you bring to any new relationship. Today, you are able to show us who you are, take pride in yourself, and most importantly allow some of us to see the real you. The child that loves, learns, and challenges the world on a daily basis.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Physical
Last year we touched upon the subject gently - April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month. This year I want to share a little more with you on how it affects you personally. You have allowed me the honor of getting to know more sides of you this year and understand how many factors of you are affected by abuse and neglect. It is no secret that you have had a rough past. When I first brought you home I had this idea that I would not share with others that you were adopted. That when you were old enough it would be your choice to share the information or not but otherwise it did not define who you are or who we were as a family. I quickly discovered that unfortunately, it did define some of your actions and was imperative information for those around us to know to better understand who you are and where you were coming from.
I wanted to start with the physical because this is the most obvious. This is what continues to change on a daily basis but stands out so much to those who only see you on occasion. Abuse and neglect caused you to be very malnurished when you arrived home. At the age of 5.5 years you were wearing a size 3T clothes and 11 shoe. I believe you weighed about 30 pounds, maybe a little more. Your teeth were about half the size they should be due to chewing furniture and also neglect. From head banging you had two horns atop your head. I look back at pictures from April of 2010 when I first met you and I notice how skinny your arms were, how your clothes hung off you, and your head was not porportional to the rest of you. Your face was scraped up because due to drug exposure you did not have the reflexes needed to break your falls.
It took awhile to get you to eat a variety of foods and start putting on weight. You were so used to only eating crunchy food that you stole off counter tops or things from baggies that it was different for you to sit at a table and eat a full meal. I mean you were the child who used to drink his water from the fish tank! We had endless battles over this. We had to limit snacks and what you ate due to trying to get you to a better balanced meal. It quickly became obvious though that it was all paying off and your physical features started to change. You started growing taller and you seemed more coordinated. Your facial features even filled out a little.
Today, almost two years later, you are still small for your age but it is not nearly as obvious. Once we discovered your gluten allergy (celiac) and removed it from your diet you started to put on more weight, shot up in height, and your hair turned curly! Yes, you are truly my little hot mess and some days look as if you stuck your finger in an electrical outlet. Your head fits your body, you are lean and a lot of muscle, but most importantly you are healthy.
Today you are about 50 pounds and have grown more inches then I can count. Every time I think we made it through a growth spurt and I buy you new clothes you have another one. Your coordination is no longer affected by lack of exposure but instead by your growth. You tend to fall not because you can't run, but because your body has not yet kept up with all of your growth.
Child abuse caused your growth to be severely delayed. Abuse and neglect have directly influenced the way your body has developed. With all this though you are a beautiful child who is the light of my life. You light up a room with your smile, you attract others with your eyes, and you draw a crowd with your giggle.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
I wanted to start with the physical because this is the most obvious. This is what continues to change on a daily basis but stands out so much to those who only see you on occasion. Abuse and neglect caused you to be very malnurished when you arrived home. At the age of 5.5 years you were wearing a size 3T clothes and 11 shoe. I believe you weighed about 30 pounds, maybe a little more. Your teeth were about half the size they should be due to chewing furniture and also neglect. From head banging you had two horns atop your head. I look back at pictures from April of 2010 when I first met you and I notice how skinny your arms were, how your clothes hung off you, and your head was not porportional to the rest of you. Your face was scraped up because due to drug exposure you did not have the reflexes needed to break your falls.
It took awhile to get you to eat a variety of foods and start putting on weight. You were so used to only eating crunchy food that you stole off counter tops or things from baggies that it was different for you to sit at a table and eat a full meal. I mean you were the child who used to drink his water from the fish tank! We had endless battles over this. We had to limit snacks and what you ate due to trying to get you to a better balanced meal. It quickly became obvious though that it was all paying off and your physical features started to change. You started growing taller and you seemed more coordinated. Your facial features even filled out a little.
Today, almost two years later, you are still small for your age but it is not nearly as obvious. Once we discovered your gluten allergy (celiac) and removed it from your diet you started to put on more weight, shot up in height, and your hair turned curly! Yes, you are truly my little hot mess and some days look as if you stuck your finger in an electrical outlet. Your head fits your body, you are lean and a lot of muscle, but most importantly you are healthy.
Today you are about 50 pounds and have grown more inches then I can count. Every time I think we made it through a growth spurt and I buy you new clothes you have another one. Your coordination is no longer affected by lack of exposure but instead by your growth. You tend to fall not because you can't run, but because your body has not yet kept up with all of your growth.
Child abuse caused your growth to be severely delayed. Abuse and neglect have directly influenced the way your body has developed. With all this though you are a beautiful child who is the light of my life. You light up a room with your smile, you attract others with your eyes, and you draw a crowd with your giggle.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
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