Happy Gotcha Day To You......

No words can describe my emotions as I listened to your classmates sing "Happy Gotcha Day To You!"  Your friends have embraced you and respect you.  Your friends have made comments such as "I am so happy for Bryson," and "we are all so lucky to have Bryson in our class."  The class clapped, sang, and danced in celebration of your adoption today.  They are excited in your smallest accomplishments and want to help you succeed daily.  I never imagined a year ago that this is where we would be sitting today.

As I read what I wrote to you last year I knew you were on the verge of breakthroughs. Your walls were starting to crumble and you were allowing yourself to trust.  I was still the only one you showed that trust to though and the world around you was still overwhelming.  Today, that is not the case.  This past year I have had to learn to let go and let you spread your wings because you are ready to fly.
You start each morning at school hugging different second grade teachers and greeting others with "hi's" and "see-ya's."  Other parents have approached me recently to comment on how far you have come, how relaxed you seem in the classroom, and how the relationships with your friends has grown.  Teachers will stop me in the halls when they see me to tell me they see the change in you and how confident you have become.  I used to tell you that school is not Cheers and that "everyone should not know your name" but now I am proud of you for making a name for yourself based on your hard work and determination.

Right now you not only have your personal army behind you but you have a community.  You have a community of peers, adults, professionals, and loved ones who have accepted you for exactly who you are.  Many parents can only hope and dream that one day the world will see their child just as they see them through their eyes.  This is now a reality for me and I could not be happier to take a side seat and watch others help shape you into the young man you will become.  Where you have grown is that you now accept this communities help and trust that you have hands to catch you when you fall.  You have let go of fears, faced demons, shown your true colors, and allowed others to see the child I saw four years ago today when you were placed in my arms.

I no longer have a concept of where you will be tomorrow, 5 years from now, or what adulthood might hold for you.  Honestly, four years has seemed like a lifetime but it is not all that long given the amount of progress you have made.  Your self-regulation, internal motivation, and desire to succeed far out weighs the obstacles you still have to overcome.  The world is no longer the battle but instead just part of the path you are paving for yourself.  You have set the bar high for what this year will bring and I cannot wait to celebrate in all the success and continue to watch you take flight.

Keep On Truckin Baby because this is your year and your time.  These are the moments you will remember, the memories that will last a lifetime, and the opportunities that only come once.  Let yourself be free for the first time in your life and feel all that world has to offer.  Just let yourself be you... I couldn't be prouder....

Love
Mom

Victim No More

Sometimes

when I need

a miracle,

I look into

my Son's

eyes, and realize

I've already

created one.

Oh my little man! You have grown, changed, and developed more then I could have ever imagined over the last few months.  You are truly my miracle and have overcome more then I could ever imagine.  Your emotional growth runs deep, your social growth spans far, and your developmental growth continues to jump high.

You are no longer a victim.  For the last four years I have described how child abuse has affected you.  How your past has been reflected in who you are and how your behaviors are indicators of all you have been through.  Recently though, you are no longer a victim and your past no longer defines who you are becoming. 

Recently you ran your first 5K to raise awareness for child abuse.  You were not the victim in this race but the picture of hope.  As you crossed the finish line I honestly had tears in my eyes.  During the 3.1 miles I was able to reflect upon all you have accomplished and how far you have come.  The day you came home you were still mastering walking up and down stairs and would just fall over when standing still.  You have now crossed the finish line on your own two feet accomplishing more then just completing a race. 

I have been watching you shed your baggage daily and grow into an ambitious, creative, and adventurous boy who carries himself with confidence.  You are allowing the world around you to see what an amazing person you are.  The spark in your eyes has changed... you are no longer seeking permission but instead truly happy with just being you.  

As I walk you into school every morning, teachers and staff members approach me to tell me how far you have come.  That they see how relaxed you are, the happiness in what you do, and how comfortable you are with everyone. You are enjoying true friendships and I am told that you "almost fall over laughing so hard" at recess.  I see a level of acceptance and trust I never expected.  I watch you accept being touched by your teachers, willing to feel and understand that they care for you, and allowing them to see all the potential that you hold inside.  

This is such a pivotal point for you in your development and being able to continue to grow and expand.  I have been your all... from your shoulder to cry on, your face to scream in, your punching bag to beat on, your eyes and your ears when you couldn't use your own, your voice in times of need, and your biggest cheerleader since the moment you came into my life.  This will never change.  What has changed is that you are allowing others to be there for you when I cannot.  You are spreading your wings and trusting that others can catch you when you fall and most importantly cheer you on as continue to navigate the path less often traveled.

I love you more then words can describe

Keep On Truckin'

Love 

Mom

Changing Dreams

My perspective has been changing.  As much as you grow and change on a daily basis I have had to grow and change my thoughts and ideas to form around who you are becoming.  At first I thought by changing my hopes and dreams I was giving up on your future... that by looking at life through a different perspective would not give you the opportunities I so desperately wanted you to have.  I have slowly come to realize though that every parent has to change their ideas and that no child is who we predict them to be the day they were born.

Every parent has dreams of their child becoming the pro athlete, to score the winning point in the game, to become a doctor, or even a lawyer.  What it comes down to though is that every parent wants their child to be successful, happy, and to live life to the best of their ability.

After I first met you at daycare that day in Idaho I remember going to dinner with Jenny.  We went to a small Mexican restaurant and talked all about you.  What potential you held, the fact that I had already fallen in love, and most importantly the daily struggles you faced.  At this time I had no idea what exactly those struggles would be and the depth of your needs.  I remember telling her you would be talking soon, that I would homeschool and have you on grade level, and that all you needed was consistent intervention.  I also remember her asking me what if none of that happened and as much as it crossed my mind in that moment it didn't linger for long.  I assured her that would not be the case.  All I kept thinking was how could you not thrive in my arms?

Well, needless to say, we are here almost four years later and you are not conversational with your language, you are not on grade level academically, and you continue to struggle with your daily living and social skills.  There are days that I look at you and wonder what are we going to do for your future.  I question how you are ever going to survive as you continue to get older and the gap becomes bigger.  With each day that you make progress I celebrate those successes with you but also am scared to death for your future.

But then, I remember how far you have come.  Four years ago you were literally sitting in a corner in diapers pushing cars back and forth.  You were 5.5 years old and couldn't walk around the block, took hours to put on your shoes to leave the house as you rolled around in a tantrum, didn't know how to follow one step instructions, had never held silverware before, and the list went on.  I was naive and blind to all the deficits and kept pushing you.  Each day we just kept putting one foot in front of the other, many times in tears as we faced new struggles, but somehow we survived.

As you have grown these last four years and your behaviors have calmed, mind you not gone but significantly lessened, I have realized that my hopes and dreams are changing.  In just a few months you will be 10 years old.  You are getting ready to enter the "tween" stage of life but yet we face the daily challenges of a toddler on some days.  The gap has only gotten bigger even with your biggest milestones being accomplished.  I watch young children when we are out... I hear their conversations with their parents, their independence in the smallest tasks, and their interaction with the world.  It makes me realize how far we have to go.

What I have also realized though is I wouldn't change who you and the unique outlook you have on the world around you.  Would I love if you could wake up tomorrow and tell me about your hopes and dreams for yourself... of course.  Would I love if you could manage your own life skills... of course.  Would I love if you could read, do arithmetic, and study science and social studies with your peers... of course.  But, I would never want to change the love and passion you have for life.  What I am growing to understand is that basing your milestones on your peers and trying to always look at what the next intervention is to help you fill the gaps is not the way to live our lives.  Absolutely we still have goals, therapies, and a learning curve but we also have a a life full of opportunities.

I am learning that the roadblocks you have overcome and the detours we continue to take will truly be a life long struggle.  I will never give up the hopes and dreams of your future and and all of the potential you hold locked inside but that is exactly what it is, your future.  The spark in your eyes, your intent interest in those around you, your contagious giggle, and your ability to greet each new day with a smile no matter how difficult it is for you to get through are indicators that you are happy, successful to the best of your ability, and living life to the fullest.  I have come to realize that what every parent dreams for their child you have already started to develop.  You continue to amaze me daily and we will continue to put one foot in front of the other, with more laughs then tears, and I will be proud of whoever you become in the future.

Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom

Another Wonderful Day

Honestly I did not know that the word wonderful and school could be used by a teacher to describe your day.  You have blown us all away in the last month with your progress in the school environment and just how far you have come.  I have always known how capable you are but it has always been me fighting the system, nonstop meetings, and in the long run still no one seeing the side of you that I do.  All this has changed though and I am overwhelmed with amazement and the possibilities for what comes next.

I look back at the past four years and wonder what has changed.  What this school district has offered you that we were never able to find before.  I fully believe it comes down to the dedication of the entire staff and them believing in you as a person.  They have celebrated every success with you, waited for you to trust them, started each day with a clean slate, and most importantly accepted you into their small community.  Your special education teacher has taken the time to learn what makes you tick and to read your emotions and behaviors.  He took the time to develop a relationship with you not just look at your deficits.

We have always had wonderful people in our life to support you and to provide interventions or services but we have never been able to find this across the board.  When we have had good support in the home we have fallen apart in the school settings or with therapies.  When we have great therapies we still haven't had the school or the home support.  Until now there has never really been a point where everything seemed to come together at the same time and all be working together versus being polar opposites pushing everything even further apart.  Right now you have school, the community, outside therapies, home supports, and sports all working together and accepting you for who you are and where you are at today, not where you left of yesterday or who you will be in the future.

We have managed to make it over a month without a flashback and with limited self-injury.  You are healing and growing.  You are ready to step out of your box yet again and see what comes next.  What used to set you off into a tailspin of behaviors is now easily redirected and rolls off your back.  The wake up calls of night terrors in the middle of the night or the waking up in the morning yelling at yourself in a flashback are, for the moment, part of the past.  Today you are happy, smiles, and giggling.  Most importantly you are also naughty!!   To most people being naughty would be seen as a negative but it shows me your level of trust and how comfortable you have become.  You do not fear the ultimate consequence of your past anymore and are pushing the buttons one step further.  It is yet again another developmental phase and one I am happy to see you go through.

All of this has allowed you and I to relax and enjoy.  I still hold my breath most mornings just hoping we do not lose all the progress we have made but that will always be a fear in the back of my mind.  I am learning to continue to let go and allow you to form these relationships and enjoy seeing you be successful with so many other people. Watching you being able to trust and bond with others continues to show how much emotional growth you have made.

Tomorrow is a new day and although I have no idea what it may hold for us I can not wait to find out.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Catching Up

Wow!  I cannot believe that I have not written to you since September.  There have been some pretty amazing moments in the last three months and I have no clue where to begin.  Our lives are changing daily and you are growing so much.

Lets begin with September... M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!  Thats right, your dream came true and you had a private meeting with Mickey Mouse!  We had a wonderful vacation with family in California and of course part of that trip was spending time in Disney and California Adventure.  To see your face light up when Mickey walked into the room was absolutely priceless and a moment we will never forget.

It was so nice to be able to spend time with family and allow them to get to know you a little better.  It is one thing to hear about you through the blog or phone calls but it is a whole other adventure to spend a week with you running around...

Also in September we had to continue to look towards the future and I had to make a very difficult decision.  You were thriving in the home school environment academically but you were not getting the social interaction you so desperately wanted and you needed.  I had to weight the pro's and con's of your academic success, social success, and behavioral control.  Since the beginning of summer you had been the most stable I had ever seen you. You had limited self-injury, were using your communication device, continuing to expand your expressive language, and overall just content with the world around you.  As much as it killed me to rock this boat I honestly felt it was the best decision for you.

After much research, prayer, and thought, you started in a new school at the end of September.  You are now attending a very small district (Grandview Heights) that has one school at each level and only 1,000 students total.  Basically we have a private school feel in a public district.  I continue to hold my breath every day that I drop you off and worry about you daily.  I know you are capable of succeeding in this environment but it is requiring a great deal of patience for everyone involved.  You have already had many great moments and more success in this school then we have seen in the past and we could not have asked for a better community!  The peers are wonderful and want to engage with you, they are curious, and they are understanding.  I see so many opportunities in your future.  To see you with your peers at school and when they come over shows me we made the right decision and you are right where you are supposed to be at this time.  

Of course you still work hard to find your place in the community also.  You have continued with hockey this year and I could not be more proud watching you on the ice.  Slow and steady wins the race but you try so hard. You played in your first tournament in November in Pittsburg and we have many more to come.  On top of this you also joined Cub Scouts.  I am not sure I am up for the camping that we will be doing but for you I will step out of my comfort zone and try.... You will owe me big time for this when you get a little older!

I am so proud of you and all that you do.  You continue to put yourself out there everyday and work hard to step up to the challenges that are put in front of you.  You great each day with a new smile on your face and even though at times you get a little feisty and have your moments you have come so far in such a short period of time.  I love the adventure of raising you and cannot wait to see what is around the next turn.

Keep on Truckin'

Love

Mom

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the most determined, passionate, and amazing boy!  I cannot believe that today we celebrated your 9th birthday and how far you have come.  Between horseback riding, a party for your classmate, and a celebration for you with your buddy Addison it has been more then a busy day.

With all of this though my mind has wandered and I cannot help but think today is not the day we should be celebrating. This is a difficult concept to explain to you and I hope that as you grow and mature you will understand where I am coming from.  Nine years ago today you were brought into this world and if it were not for that moment you would not be my forever child.  For this I am grateful and I know you were meant to be my son.  I love every bit of your personality, your determination, your desires in life, and every little characteristic of who you are.  I know that some of this comes from you biological parents such as your deep passion for music, your button nose, and your endearing smile.  But I was not there nine years ago.  I was not there for the first five years of your life to celebrate with you, encourage you, and be your rock and foundation.

However, I was there 3.5 years ago when you walked into my life and began to teach me what is really important and what the world is all about.  I was there to see you learn to walk up and down stairs independently.  I was there to hear you say your first words, to hear you say "I love you" for the first time, and to hear you contagious giggle.  I was there to see you try some of your first foods, use utensils for the first time, and to experience your "happy feet" when you allow your happiness and energy to take the better of you.  I have been the one to wipe away your tears, fix your boo-boo's, and allow you explore the world around you.  I have witnessed your successes with climbing, teaching you to ride a scooter, and watching you play ice hockey for the first time.  Everyday I have had the joy of watching you experience a new adventure, conquer a fear, and master a new skill.

You see, in all honesty, while you were born 9 years ago today your life did not start until May of 2010 when you boarded the airplane from Idaho and came home.  Neither of us could have ever imagined how much our lives would have changed and where we would be today, but it is our life and what we have created together as a family.

So while today is your birthday and I will always acknowledge this day and celebrate it as part of your past and where you come from,  the true celebration of life is your "Gotcha Day."  We will throw our parties, invite our friends, and dance until the sun goes down every May in celebration of your birth with me and our life together.

I could not be more proud of who you are today and the young boy you have become.  You have recently grabbed ahold of life and you are now steering your own destiny. Instead of you chasing me I am now running to keep up with you.

Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

Sippin On Sweet Lemonade

I don't really know why but "Sippin On Sweet Lemonade" seems to sum up our life right now. This summer has proven to be one of growth, acceptance, and discovery for you.  I watched you become grounded in the world around you, seeking new adventures, and exploring more then ever.  In the past when you have taken three steps forward in one area there has always been another that has taken two steps back.  Recently though, all the pieces have started to come together at the same time and allow you, and I, to enjoy the moment.

This summer you trusted others enough to enjoy weeks of summer camp....

This summer you explored enough to see the world from a different view....

This summer you relaxed enough to enjoy your friendships....

This summer you were confident enough to truly enjoy the little moments life has to offer....

This summer you grew enough to make a new friend....

This summer has been about learning, loving, and living. You continue to teach me more daily then I ever thought I needed to know and you remind me daily the importance of slowing down to enjoy the moment.  You have shown me this summer that you ready for the next phase of our life and that you are ready to spread your wings even more.  Your perseverance, determination, and personality continue to allow you to soar and the sky is your limit.

Keep On Truckin'

Love

Mom