My perspective has been changing. As much as you grow and change on a daily basis I have had to grow and change my thoughts and ideas to form around who you are becoming. At first I thought by changing my hopes and dreams I was giving up on your future... that by looking at life through a different perspective would not give you the opportunities I so desperately wanted you to have. I have slowly come to realize though that every parent has to change their ideas and that no child is who we predict them to be the day they were born.
Every parent has dreams of their child becoming the pro athlete, to score the winning point in the game, to become a doctor, or even a lawyer. What it comes down to though is that every parent wants their child to be successful, happy, and to live life to the best of their ability.
After I first met you at daycare that day in Idaho I remember going to dinner with Jenny. We went to a small Mexican restaurant and talked all about you. What potential you held, the fact that I had already fallen in love, and most importantly the daily struggles you faced. At this time I had no idea what exactly those struggles would be and the depth of your needs. I remember telling her you would be talking soon, that I would homeschool and have you on grade level, and that all you needed was consistent intervention. I also remember her asking me what if none of that happened and as much as it crossed my mind in that moment it didn't linger for long. I assured her that would not be the case. All I kept thinking was how could you not thrive in my arms?
Well, needless to say, we are here almost four years later and you are not conversational with your language, you are not on grade level academically, and you continue to struggle with your daily living and social skills. There are days that I look at you and wonder what are we going to do for your future. I question how you are ever going to survive as you continue to get older and the gap becomes bigger. With each day that you make progress I celebrate those successes with you but also am scared to death for your future.
But then, I remember how far you have come. Four years ago you were literally sitting in a corner in diapers pushing cars back and forth. You were 5.5 years old and couldn't walk around the block, took hours to put on your shoes to leave the house as you rolled around in a tantrum, didn't know how to follow one step instructions, had never held silverware before, and the list went on. I was naive and blind to all the deficits and kept pushing you. Each day we just kept putting one foot in front of the other, many times in tears as we faced new struggles, but somehow we survived.
As you have grown these last four years and your behaviors have calmed, mind you not gone but significantly lessened, I have realized that my hopes and dreams are changing. In just a few months you will be 10 years old. You are getting ready to enter the "tween" stage of life but yet we face the daily challenges of a toddler on some days. The gap has only gotten bigger even with your biggest milestones being accomplished. I watch young children when we are out... I hear their conversations with their parents, their independence in the smallest tasks, and their interaction with the world. It makes me realize how far we have to go.
What I have also realized though is I wouldn't change who you and the unique outlook you have on the world around you. Would I love if you could wake up tomorrow and tell me about your hopes and dreams for yourself... of course. Would I love if you could manage your own life skills... of course. Would I love if you could read, do arithmetic, and study science and social studies with your peers... of course. But, I would never want to change the love and passion you have for life. What I am growing to understand is that basing your milestones on your peers and trying to always look at what the next intervention is to help you fill the gaps is not the way to live our lives. Absolutely we still have goals, therapies, and a learning curve but we also have a a life full of opportunities.
I am learning that the roadblocks you have overcome and the detours we continue to take will truly be a life long struggle. I will never give up the hopes and dreams of your future and and all of the potential you hold locked inside but that is exactly what it is, your future. The spark in your eyes, your intent interest in those around you, your contagious giggle, and your ability to greet each new day with a smile no matter how difficult it is for you to get through are indicators that you are happy, successful to the best of your ability, and living life to the fullest. I have come to realize that what every parent dreams for their child you have already started to develop. You continue to amaze me daily and we will continue to put one foot in front of the other, with more laughs then tears, and I will be proud of whoever you become in the future.
Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom
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