Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the most determined, passionate, and amazing boy!  I cannot believe that today we celebrated your 9th birthday and how far you have come.  Between horseback riding, a party for your classmate, and a celebration for you with your buddy Addison it has been more then a busy day.

With all of this though my mind has wandered and I cannot help but think today is not the day we should be celebrating. This is a difficult concept to explain to you and I hope that as you grow and mature you will understand where I am coming from.  Nine years ago today you were brought into this world and if it were not for that moment you would not be my forever child.  For this I am grateful and I know you were meant to be my son.  I love every bit of your personality, your determination, your desires in life, and every little characteristic of who you are.  I know that some of this comes from you biological parents such as your deep passion for music, your button nose, and your endearing smile.  But I was not there nine years ago.  I was not there for the first five years of your life to celebrate with you, encourage you, and be your rock and foundation.

However, I was there 3.5 years ago when you walked into my life and began to teach me what is really important and what the world is all about.  I was there to see you learn to walk up and down stairs independently.  I was there to hear you say your first words, to hear you say "I love you" for the first time, and to hear you contagious giggle.  I was there to see you try some of your first foods, use utensils for the first time, and to experience your "happy feet" when you allow your happiness and energy to take the better of you.  I have been the one to wipe away your tears, fix your boo-boo's, and allow you explore the world around you.  I have witnessed your successes with climbing, teaching you to ride a scooter, and watching you play ice hockey for the first time.  Everyday I have had the joy of watching you experience a new adventure, conquer a fear, and master a new skill.

You see, in all honesty, while you were born 9 years ago today your life did not start until May of 2010 when you boarded the airplane from Idaho and came home.  Neither of us could have ever imagined how much our lives would have changed and where we would be today, but it is our life and what we have created together as a family.

So while today is your birthday and I will always acknowledge this day and celebrate it as part of your past and where you come from,  the true celebration of life is your "Gotcha Day."  We will throw our parties, invite our friends, and dance until the sun goes down every May in celebration of your birth with me and our life together.

I could not be more proud of who you are today and the young boy you have become.  You have recently grabbed ahold of life and you are now steering your own destiny. Instead of you chasing me I am now running to keep up with you.

Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

Sippin On Sweet Lemonade

I don't really know why but "Sippin On Sweet Lemonade" seems to sum up our life right now. This summer has proven to be one of growth, acceptance, and discovery for you.  I watched you become grounded in the world around you, seeking new adventures, and exploring more then ever.  In the past when you have taken three steps forward in one area there has always been another that has taken two steps back.  Recently though, all the pieces have started to come together at the same time and allow you, and I, to enjoy the moment.

This summer you trusted others enough to enjoy weeks of summer camp....

This summer you explored enough to see the world from a different view....

This summer you relaxed enough to enjoy your friendships....

This summer you were confident enough to truly enjoy the little moments life has to offer....

This summer you grew enough to make a new friend....

This summer has been about learning, loving, and living. You continue to teach me more daily then I ever thought I needed to know and you remind me daily the importance of slowing down to enjoy the moment.  You have shown me this summer that you ready for the next phase of our life and that you are ready to spread your wings even more.  Your perseverance, determination, and personality continue to allow you to soar and the sky is your limit.

Keep On Truckin'

Love

Mom

Friends Forever

I have been meaning to post these pictures for some time now.  No matter where you are in life you will never forget about your three favorite little people.  I cannot wait for the day that you can tell them how much they mean to you to and how much they have helped you, but for now, the look on your face in some of these pictures says it all.  This was a fun day at the winery a few months ago...

Starting with my favorite... Just a little boy time...

And then a little Heart To Heart with your first girlfriend...

Sweet and Innocent

Whats mine is yours and yours is mine... 

Trouble with a capital T

Priceless (Gap Commercial Anyone?)

Sisterly Love

If only we knew your inside jokes

What would be a day at the winery without a game of spoons?

You will always look up to and admire all that they do

Keep on Truckin Baby

Love

Mom

Dewey Beach 2013

So I am a little late on this one but a picture is worth a thousand words.... We had an amazing time at the beach for vacation.  It is hard to believe that this was your third trip to Dewey Beach but based upon your reaction this is the first one you will remember.

Light of my life - A smile to light up the world - Your face says it all

It only took you a few days to figure out how to fill the bucket with water. By the end of the week you had me convinced me to buy you a bigger bucket so you could make less trips back and forth to your tent

So full of yourself - You could make yourself laugh for hours and bring a smile to anyones face who walks by

Surfs Up Dude!  Needless to say this picture was taken right as a wave took you under but it was a nice photo shoot!

Uncle Michael and Aunt Suzanna came to join us for a few days.  Don't worry baby, I promise Michael will grow on you....

Who needs a leash when you have a towel?? I promise you were both laughing

You ate more sand during the week then any child should!  You thought it was cool to dip your fruit in the sand before you ate it... oh well, boys will be boys!

Looking for shells

You quickly learned it was easier to get us to look for your shells for you versus you actually doing it yourself.

Superman!  You are my little HERO!

I cannot wait for our next adventure
Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

New Emotions

For the first time I have honestly been angry with your biological parents.  Maybe this is not fair of me... maybe I need to remain open minded... maybe I do not know the whole story.  I do my best to write to you with an open mind and an open heart.  Years from now when you look back on this I want you to be able to capture a piece of your childhood, remember the good times, the struggles, and find the parts of adventures that stand out to you. Since my mom has passed I love reading the journal she kept for me and sensing her emotions.  Her pride in me, her support, her love, and, at times, her frustration.  It helps me piece together my past, realize what has helped shape me into the person I am today, and also understand who my mom was and how our relationship grew over time.

I never met your biological parents.  I spent hours upon hours reading through case histories, background information, and court notes.  I read letters from foster parents, guardians, teachers, and different evaluations.  I tried to take in everything that was offered to me and put it all together to understand the little package you were when I adopted you.  Never in my dreams did I know that three years later I would still be figuring it all out and after three long years would I allow my emotions towards your biological parents to overwhelm me.

You see Bryson you are such a unique and special little man with more will, determination, passion, and personality then any one person can handle.  I love you for all of this.  You have made so many great gains and strides that I often go to bed every night wondering what new skill you will show me tomorrow.  Each day is truly an adventure and you have taught me the virtue of patience and the impact of acceptance and understanding.  For some reason I knew this year would be a roller coaster for us and I have been determined to weed through your needs to figure out what our true obstacles are.

Recently, during this process, a new diagnosis was brought to my attention.  Some of your therapists believe you may have Childhood Aphasia.  Aphasia is not something you are born with.  The physical abuse you suffered, self injury that you engaged in, and drug exposure you endured could have damaged part of your brain, specifically the language region.  This would explain your struggle with word recall, apraxia, forgetting steps in sequence, and moments of feeling lost.  This is a diagnosis that could have been prevented, one that you should have never endured, and one that will impact you forever.

You and I have heard a lot of diagnosis over the past three years.  While mentally I know the diagnosis does not matter and we will continue to move forward with high expectations, emotionally I cannot help but be angry.  Currently, you are diagnosed with severe Anxiety which is caused by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD combined type which can be caused by your exposure to drugs, and now Childhood Aphasia which is caused by your abuse, self injury, and drug exposure.  All of these diagnosis could have been prevented.

I am angry at your biological parents as they have caused your disability.  They are the ones responsible for all you have been through.  I know I have to let go of this.  That I need to move on and just continue to look towards our future and continue to provide you with the love, interventions, and time that you need.

At times I am honestly torn.  Every piece of me believes that you were always meant to be my forever child but if that is true why did you have to suffer the past that you did? If you did not have the past that you did would you still have the strong will, determination, and passion that you do today?  Every moment of our past impacts who we are today and whether good or bad it shapes the person we become - with this though did you have to suffer at the hands and in the house of your biological family?

While I want to live in the present and continue to move forward you are reminded daily of your past through your disabilities.  You struggle to communicate verbally, you become lost in your emotions, and you do not trust anyone except me and at times even trusting me can be a struggle. Through all of this though you have a smile that can light up a room, a giggle that is contagious, and a spark in your eyes that tells me everything is going to be okay.

Today I see a little boy who has finally let his guard down.  Who is experiencing the world around him and trying so hard to keep up. Today I watch a young man who wakes up every morning ready to take on the world and never gives up on what he believes in.  I see strength, courage, and desire in overcoming obstacles that many of us would have backed down from.  I see a boy who has heart and who will overcome his past.   With this though I also see a little boy who is having panic attacks, who suffers from flashbacks, and who emotionally needs an army to keep him stable.

Everyday I am working to teach you to overcome your own anger and emotions from your past. I am working with you on building relationships and finding the balance of trust you need.  You are putting one foot in front of the other to find your place in this world.  I have to let go of my anger that I am carrying for you to allow you to let go of it also.  This does not mean I accept the past you were given but instead that I love the person you are today.  I honestly cannot wait to see what you have in store for me and how you will continue to grow and change.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Gotcha Day

Happy Gotcha Day to the most amazing, spirited, determined, and passionate little boy I know!  Wow!     This year on "Gotcha Day" I am in disbelief that it has only been 3 years that you have been home for. In our day to day lives I feel like I have had you for an eternity, and most days I feel like we are racing a clock in order for you to catch up.  Today I am reminded though that there is nothing you need to catch up to.  That we are not racing any clock, that we have a lifetime ahead of us, and that in the three short years you have been home you have grown leaps and bounds on your time and at your pace.  

One of my favorite parts of the last three years is even though you were already 5.5 years old when I adopted you I have been allowed to go through all your developmental milestones with you.  Three years ago you were not talking, you were still like an unsteady toddler on your feet, the food groups were a novel concept, your idea of self-help skills was learned helplessness, and your emotions were as unpredictable as the changes in the wind.  Three years ago our biggest battles were putting your shoes on to leave the house, somehow tackling you into a car seat, putting a muzzle on your barking, and trying to teach you that you hurting yourself was not the solution to the worlds problems. Three years ago, as much as I thought we had a path laid out and a direction to go, we were both completely lost.    

Over the course of this time I have celebrated in your ability to run around on the lacrosse field with your peers and learn to play ice hockey without falling down. Yes, the little boy who had to sit down to go down the stairs and needed assistance to step off the curb was ice skating just this past winter.  I have been amazed at your thought process and your desire to communicate.  The little boy who could only say "go" and "no" is now telling me his favorite foods, animals, toys, and that more often then not that you do not like my cooking.  That is, unless, I am making clam linguine, because that same little boy who didn't eat anything that wasn't in a baggie and crunchy now loves seafood, salads, and variety of other foods.  

I have watched you discover that learned helplessness is not nearly as exciting as doing things for yourself.  The little boy who was described in his original paperwork as sitting in a corner without play skills, still not toilet trained, and needing assistance on daily living skills is now making his own breakfast, telling me "wow" after he uses the bathroom independently, and would much rather pick out his own clothes and dress himself then allow me to do it for him.  Oh, and those play skills?  You have an imagination that puts me to shame any day!  Play was never my strength and you now remind me of that daily as you play Lego's, action figures, dinosaurs, cars, and super-hero's.  You can tear it up outside on a scooter and some how beat me every time in Memory.  You continue to thrive off peer interactions, always wanting more, and somehow you never lose pace with them.  Seeing you run around the neighborhood, playing ball, and hearing your giggle from down the street makes my heart melt.  

I do not even know where to start when trying to describe to you how you and I have continued to grow together over the last three years.  In reality, in the last 6 months your wall has not only crumbled but it has come crashing down when you are around me.  Your level of trust, acceptance, and patience in our relationship has grown and this has continued to change the little boy you are today.  As I sit next to you on the couch I no longer sense your tension and fears.  When you talk to me things are not always a question anymore but instead a statement as you have found confidence in your voice.  When we are alone your little smirk and spark in your eyes tell me you are up to something.  These last six months have also been extremely trying as you need me to be your all and I want to be your all but I had to start looking at it this way.  I was afraid I was losing you, that the behaviors were overwhelming again, but in reality you were reaching for me more then ever.  It was your way of keeping me close and making sure I was always going to be your rock and that I am not going anywhere.  Your emotions still have a level of unpredictability, but that is what makes you, you.  Your emotions are part of your personality and what gives you your drive and determination to put one foot in front of the other every single day.

In the past three years I have watched you fall and get back up over and over again.  I have watched you strive to conquer skills that may come easy to others.  I have watched you try to figure out the world around you and find where you fit in.  In the past three years you have grown from being the "baby" that was handed to me at the airport to the adventurous young boy who is ready for a new challenge.  Your determination, spirit, hard headiness, and perseverance has grown into an amazing young boy who is ready for whatever tomorrow may bring.  Now, I am not sure I am ready for whatever you may bring to me tomorrow but I can't help but smile as you just giggle and run away.  

So, on this years "Gotcha Day" I just want you to know how so very proud I am of all you continue to do, all that you have accomplished, and all that you will do tomorrow.  Each day is a new adventure in our life but unlike three years we are no longer lost.  We are actually creating our own path, setting new standards, and conquering the unthinkable everyday.  

Keep On Truckin

Love

Mom

Don't Let The Door Hit You

This is our new motto to live by, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"  I am tired of the games, the review of medical history, the explanation of behaviors, and the longing looks from those around us.  I am tired of helping people do a job that I could with my eyes closed most days and a job I am damn good at.  I am done with watching you struggle and being told it is what is best for you in the long run.  So, to all the professionals who do not understand, to the providers who have given up, and the individuals who like to judge, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."  

You are such an amazing young boy who has grown before my eyes.  You have a passion for music, reading, army men, spiderman, and electronics.  You would go to the end of the earth to be with your friends and around peers.  You bring a smile to my face every morning that I find new items hidden in your bed as you greet me with a "hi!" and huge grin.  Your eyes sparkle with a light that they did not have three years ago and for that reason we will continue to thrive.  

Trust and anxiety are still difficult for you and rightfully so.  A dear friend has been trying to tell me, and I finally understand, that "I am all you need,"  that "I am your all."  Finally, as I let my guard down and stop listening to the other voices telling me I can't do, I realize what this means.  I am your rock, your foundation, and your emotional security.  I am the one that knows you, understands you, and motivates you.  I am your all and all that you need.  

This does not mean that I have all the answers or that we will not always our moments because you love to test, push, and challenge me daily.  It does not mean that we do not need the help of specialists for your speech, occupational, and physical therapies and that yes, you will still have to go to see these lovely people.  What it does mean though is I am your mom and I know what is best for you.  I know when you have reached your limit.  When someone is not a good match and when we need to pull back.  Most of all I am able to provide you an education.  To allow you to trust and grow in your educational needs on a level that providers, other teachers, tutors, and therapists cannot.  It has only taken us five different school placements, handfuls of teachers, and multiple consultants for me to finally take the advice of someone who knows me the best.  I am all you need and I am your all.  

You are an extremely bright and motivated child that loves to use manipulation and behaviors to escape the demands of education from others. With me though, you want to show me what know.  You want me to clap for you, praise you, and brag about how smart you.  You do not see this motivation in others and it requires a level of trust that we honestly do not have time to wait for.  Recently you have shown me that you are reading sight words, that you have an understanding of sentences as you fill in missing words, that you can sort by beginning sounds, understanding rhyming, and can answer comprehension questions after a book is read aloud.  You are honestly bored, waiting to be challenged and waiting for the world to rise to your expectations instead of us waiting for you to rise to ours.  We are discovering that you are performing well beyond where we thought you were and that this coming year could be a lot of exciting changes.

You are challenging me to find ways to teach a child with limited expressive vocabulary to read.  I mean seriously, how do you demonstrate reading using an AAC device?  Well, we are about to find out!  You are challenging me to think one step ahead.  To know always have the new set of academics ready because you probably already know the answers to the ones in my hand.  You are challenging me to find new opportunities in the community for you - lets just say a full day summer camp and horseback riding lessons ought to wear you out in the coming months.  You are challenging me to think about what is functional and important to your future versus what I want you to learn.  You area also challenging me to rethink our interactions, my parenting, and what the future may hold for us.  These challenges are so different from three years ago when instead you were challenging me by throwing yourself down the stairs or barking like a dog 24/7.  

So, you and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and create our own path.  One day I will write the book from my perspective and I am sure you will fill in your opinions on how crazy I really was as your mother.  We truly are taking "The Path Less Often Taken" and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Keep on Truckin

Love

Mom

My Heart Crumbles

Your Look

Your Eyes

Your Soul

My heart crumbles every time I hear the cry.  Every time I see the look in your eyes.  Every time I am reminded of the pain you endure in your soul.

I don't know what I can do.  How I can make it better.  I don't know how I can hold it together for you.

I feel guilty saying this.  You go through this multiple days a week, even sometimes multiple times a day.  You rage in anger, you don't have a voice to communicate, you lose sight of who you are and how far you have come.  You lose sight of your safety and check out of reality.

The blank stare comes across your face. Your eyes disconnect from us and look distant.  You cry out for "help" and say "ouch" but yet there is nothing we can help you with and there is no visible wound that we can comfort.

At times I can hold you.  I can tell you I am here for you, that you are okay, and that life goes on.  Other times though, you have to go through it. You have to be able to have your moments in order for us to move forward.  It hurts me and my heart crumbles to listen.

Many times I do not understand the why.  I do not understand why being asked to use bingo dotters, or to clean up your toys, or to put your shoes on can end in such a violent rage of emotion.  In the beginning I think I was able to detach better.  As much as I knew I was your mom three years ago and loved you with all my heart, our emotional bond has grown so much stronger that we feel each others emotions.  We read each other, we know our next moves, and we both relay on the other deeper then either of us ever expected possible.

You have broken down my walls I didn't even know I had and I have taken down bricks to your walls.  During your emotions though I am scared that the bricks I have removed have left you open to the elements.  That the bricks that have fallen have opened you up to a world that you are not ready to handle.

There are times that I wonder if I am wrong for pushing you.  That you are not ready, need more time, or honestly are just to fragile to be pushed.  During these same times though I look back at how far you have come and the gains you have made in the last three years.  Even though rages come and emotions pour out, it is still less then it used to.

I never knew what an emotional ride this would be for us.  I never knew the barriers we would be trying to overcoming and the ups and downs that this roller coaster would involve.  Maybe I was naive, maybe a little too innocent, maybe just blinded by the immediate love I had for you.  I will go to end of the earth for you.  I will carry your emotions for you, be your rock if you allow me, and protect you from the world until you are ready.

As I have said in the past, you have sewn your heart around my heart.  So as my heart crumbles I know your heart continues to grow.  I know it is a process and each day is a new day for us to conquer - together.

Our Looks

Our Eyes 

Our Soul

Will Be One

We Will Conquer

Keep on Truckin

Love 

Mom