My Heart Crumbles

Your Look

Your Eyes

Your Soul

My heart crumbles every time I hear the cry.  Every time I see the look in your eyes.  Every time I am reminded of the pain you endure in your soul.

I don't know what I can do.  How I can make it better.  I don't know how I can hold it together for you.

I feel guilty saying this.  You go through this multiple days a week, even sometimes multiple times a day.  You rage in anger, you don't have a voice to communicate, you lose sight of who you are and how far you have come.  You lose sight of your safety and check out of reality.

The blank stare comes across your face. Your eyes disconnect from us and look distant.  You cry out for "help" and say "ouch" but yet there is nothing we can help you with and there is no visible wound that we can comfort.

At times I can hold you.  I can tell you I am here for you, that you are okay, and that life goes on.  Other times though, you have to go through it. You have to be able to have your moments in order for us to move forward.  It hurts me and my heart crumbles to listen.

Many times I do not understand the why.  I do not understand why being asked to use bingo dotters, or to clean up your toys, or to put your shoes on can end in such a violent rage of emotion.  In the beginning I think I was able to detach better.  As much as I knew I was your mom three years ago and loved you with all my heart, our emotional bond has grown so much stronger that we feel each others emotions.  We read each other, we know our next moves, and we both relay on the other deeper then either of us ever expected possible.

You have broken down my walls I didn't even know I had and I have taken down bricks to your walls.  During your emotions though I am scared that the bricks I have removed have left you open to the elements.  That the bricks that have fallen have opened you up to a world that you are not ready to handle.

There are times that I wonder if I am wrong for pushing you.  That you are not ready, need more time, or honestly are just to fragile to be pushed.  During these same times though I look back at how far you have come and the gains you have made in the last three years.  Even though rages come and emotions pour out, it is still less then it used to.

I never knew what an emotional ride this would be for us.  I never knew the barriers we would be trying to overcoming and the ups and downs that this roller coaster would involve.  Maybe I was naive, maybe a little too innocent, maybe just blinded by the immediate love I had for you.  I will go to end of the earth for you.  I will carry your emotions for you, be your rock if you allow me, and protect you from the world until you are ready.

As I have said in the past, you have sewn your heart around my heart.  So as my heart crumbles I know your heart continues to grow.  I know it is a process and each day is a new day for us to conquer - together.

Our Looks

Our Eyes 

Our Soul

Will Be One

We Will Conquer

Keep on Truckin

Love 

Mom