6 + 2 = 3??? - Wait a Minute

So I guess I should start by telling you that math was never my favorite subject in school nor is it yours but I really do have a rationale explanation to this equation.

For all intensive purposes, with a little rounding, you were six the year I adopted you.  You had spent almost all of the first six years of your life in the less the desirable conditions.  And now, you have spent the last two years in my arms.  So technically, yes, you turned a whopping 8 years old yesterday! I started to think that I could not believe you were eight and where has time gone....

Well, the truth is, in my eyes and in your own eyes you are not 8.  Today, you are more of a happy go lucky three year old always looking for your next adventure and constantly finding new trouble to get into.  As I have told you before, when you first arrived home even though you were almost six years old you really had the skills of a 10-11 month old baby.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into and all the twists and turns our life would take.  Today though, watching you bounce around me, your developmental age is more of a three year old and you are aging everyday.

So, in my world, in our world together, 6 years of life before you became my forever child plus two years of life with me equals an amazing three year old little boy!  Which, lets be honest, means you are ahead of schedule developmentally!!! Since your life did not start until two years ago and the first time you experienced the world around you was just two years ago I am beyond pleased that you are overall on track with a typically developing three year old.

Now don't get me wrong baby you do have some skills that are well beyond those of your three year old peers and other skills that might be slightly lacking but what is most important is the little man I see today.  You have a face of innocence but yet a look in your eyes well beyond your years.  With everyone that works with you, you end up teaching them more about themselves and about the world they once thought they understood then they end up teaching you.  What is amazing though is that you do this all without talking.

Some people may ask me how I know you have a sense of humor, how I know you are happy, or how I know that you are taking in the world everyday that you wake up and get out of bed.  Simply put, once you see the look in your eyes how could someone not see all these things.  You have discovered that it is hilarious to make animal noises at the most inappropriate times.  That if you watch those around you long enough you can start to play games on them and just smile and walk away once you get their attention. That you pick people out of crowd who just need a smile to make their day.

The world has accepted you for who you are.  People around us cannot help but smile when you bounce into a room and break it down with your beat boxing (against my better judgement), and more importantly people have started to see the spark right before you act upon a very thought-out high level of manipulation.

You have a giggle that echos and a smile that even you are in love with. You cannot get enough of watching yourself in mirrors and obtaining the attention of those around you.  Your pretend play has exploded and your new best friend... yup, thats right, its Elmo!

Today I could not be more proud of the young man you becoming. Even though you fight the world on so many levels you have accepted and grown on so many others.  I cannot wait to see what this year holds for us and how old you will be next year on your birthday.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Your Own Worst Enemy

Yup, you are your own worst enemy.  There is no other way to describe it or a way to sugar coat it.  You fight the world with all the energy you have yet if you were to just let down your guard everything would come so easy to you.  Don't get me wrong, I understand why you fight and that it is your natural reaction but I wish, just for one day, you would let yourself enjoy all of the world and show what you know.

I do not talk about school a whole lot.  Obviously this is on purpose as it is not the highlight of your day, week, month, or even year.  School has always been your biggest battle and the place where you feel the most insecure.  The direct pressure of having to perform, to being on the spot, and to know that at times all eyes are on you is just too much for you.  If it were not for the fact that you love peers and a part of you loves your teachers as much as you fight them I would home school you.  There is still a part of me that is hoping, praying, that when you walk through the doors to school you will show them who you are and all that you hold inside.

This school year has started off no different then years past.  The school not sure where to put boundaries into place - you running around like a chicken with your head cut off - and then you spiraling out of control from not having boundaries all day.  Its a vicious cycle and this is the fourth time we have been through it.  I had such high hopes that since you went to this school last year and you knew it was safe, that this year would just fall right into place. Yet again though you taught me to laugh at myself and that nothing will ever come that easy.

Before school started I made the decision to remove all of your academic goals from you Individualized Educational Plan (IEP). I wanted an IEP that focused on language, behaviors, and generalization of skills. I want you to learn this year that you do have to follow a schedule, stay with your class, generalize mastered skills into a group environment, and most importantly you have to use all the language that we work so hard on everyday.  This does not mean you are not exposed to all your core subject matters and skills because as long as you are participating you are in all your main subject areas you will be part of the lessons.  With this though, I also knew we needed more at home to find the balance.

So, you guessed it.... You now have 15 hours a week of ABA therapy primarily to focus on all your foundational academic skills. Lets just say you bucked the system the first two weeks and made your therapists earn their stripes BUT you all survived and now you are working your little butt off (or as you say "aaaaaass"off :) You have two wonderful therapists that you quickly won over with your smile and a subtle "hey" as you flirted but we all expect and believe in great things from you.

I pray that right now this is the right balance for you. That I am allowing you to shine in the right areas in the right environment and playing upon your strengths.  I hope that one day you will feel safe and secure enough to show the world the little boy that I get the honor or watching grow up everyday.

Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

Hard To Remember

It is becoming harder to remember the little boy you used to be.  I mean the one that I brought home on that flight from Idaho a little over two years ago.  I remember thinking that you and I were now full speed ahead and you would suddenly wake up with all the language and skills you were missing.  That all you had needed was a home and it would just happen.  Oh how I laugh at that thought now!  Yes, you did need a home, you do need unconditional love, and most importantly you need time.  As I have told you before, you have taught me more over these years then I have learned in my entire lifetime and one thing you test me on daily is the concept of patience.  Well, with all the patience and all the time you are starting to unravel just a little bit more.

Here is a video of you about two weeks after you came home.  You used the words "mine" and then an approximation for "help" with the therapists prompting.

Now, after two long years, the words are flowing.  We still have to listen closely and some of the articulation is hard for you but you are able to use three and four word sentences, ask questions, answer questions, make choices, and most importantly express your likes and dislikes.  Hearing the change in your voice between two years ago and now and how much you have grown and matured is absolutely amazing.  Watching the older videos and then ones from today brings me back to reality of just how hard you work, how far you have come, and that tomorrow is always a new day.

Keep On Truckin 

Love

Mom

More Than Enough

This summer has been filled with learning, sharing, laughing, and, of course, crying.  It has been a very trying summer on some aspects and one of much success on others.  Let me back up though and fill you in on all the changes that have occurred.

Towards the end of the school year I started to question why you were on the medication you were.  Not that we did not have positive moments and for the most part predictability in your behaviors but given the high end "designer" medications that you were on I wasn't seeing the expected results.  For this reason, I had the bright idea to try to take you off of them. With the help of your psychiatrist we slowly started the process to wean you from your mood stabilizers.

At first, life was golden.  Your personality returned, you were not as tired all the time, and your language continued to grow.  We had a few bumpy moments but overall I was thrilled and thought that maybe you were ready, that we were ready, to try to live without the medications.

Unfortunately though as summer has continued the success has not been there.  What hurts the most though is seeing the amount of pain and anger from your past that you are carrying that was masked by your "designer" medication.  Maybe it was helping to control the impulses so you did not think about your past or maybe it just caused a cloudy feeling so you were not processing the memories, but coming off the medications has opened a door I am not sure either of us were ready for.

What I am quickly learning is that you are experiencing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  You are repeating phrases that I can only assume were said to you as a small child, you are acting out behaviors that I can only assume were done to you, and you are feeling every aspect of the pain and anger this is causing you. You will scream as you run up the stairs "I said go to bed," followed by "no hit."  In the bathroom you will look in the mirror and say "bad boy," "no hit," "no bathroom" followed by you tossing your body against the floor and slapping yourself.  Today with the babysitter you just sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed.  All we can do is hold you, comfort you, and assure you that you are safe and that nobody is going to hurt you. I knew that one day we would need to experience this and work through this as it is part of who you are and part of your past but I never knew that time would come now.

I wish you had more language.  That you could tell me what you were thinking, what is causing the pain, or what the memories are.  I wish that I could help you work through your demons but all I can do is be a shoulder for you to cry on and be a safety net for you to fall into. I have to remind myself that just now have you been in my arms as long as you were in foster care and you still have not been my little man as long as you were in your biological home.  Maybe you also have an internal clock that is ticking away.  I am sure you still hold onto the unknown and the unexpected.  You not only experienced the trauma of your abuse, neglect, and drug exposure, but then foster care placement, and finally the placement with me.  A long plane ride to an unknown place and a life that has never been the same.

With all of this though I am learning who you are.  I am learning how I can best support you to grow and develop.  I am learning that your behaviors are not an unknown to you but instead an unknown to me and that I need to give you more time and patience.  That we are taking life at your pace and when you are ready. You are the one driving this ship baby.  We have had more than enough of our share of growth, development, and emotions for one summer but I am proud to say we are both still paddling with our heads above water.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Full Of It...

... I just wish I know what the "it" was that you were full of!

Lord help me as we enter this developmental stage.  You are discovering more of yourself and more of the world everyday and right now you can not soak it up fast enough.  Most of the time you are happy, giggly, and plotting your next move. The spark in your eyes has changed and I am not sure how to describe it.  It is more connected, more loving, more personality, and of course more mischievous.

I used to be able to brag to people about how well you slept.  That you didn't get into items, I mean we never did have to baby proof the house as you really didn't ever show an interest.  I used to tell people that we could go out to eat and that you would sit for hours, happy just to be around other people.  I think I even once told someone that you played so nicely by yourself.

Well, you are laughing at me now and goes to show just how far you have come developmentally.  What I did not realize before was that you were not showing those behaviors not because you were so well behaved and easy going but instead because developmentally you were not ready.  You know that three year old little boy that goes into the cupboard to play the drums on the pots and pans.  The three and four year olds that discover the snack drawer and all they want to do is eat.  The three and four year olds that want to do it all by themselves and heaven forbid you try to help them or suggest a different way to do it.  And of course, the two and three year olds that think the world is going to end because they happened to bump into the wall or get a small scrape.  Well, that is you now.

You start giggling as you ask for a piece of candy, knowing full well the answer will be no, but then you request to go "pee puff", proceed to tell yourself "good boy" (for asking), and then upon flushing take the piece of candy that you were just told no to because you know I can't turn you down now.

I take a moment to go upstairs or to let the dogs out... Suddenly I realize that it has been quiet for a little too long and take a peak - you have managed to get half of yourself into the snack cabinet looking for something that might already be opened that you can sneak away with.

My keys, phone, cards, and other important belongings tend to disappear.  I find some in trash cans, others in the bathrooms, more in your bed, and then even more placed strategically into drawers which also contain your candy.

(Baby, have you noticed a theme here with candy and snacks!)

You have a new found love and interest for Elmo, Big Bird, Dora, and many others.  We have always limited your TV time and still do but when you do get the one special show for the day it has your undivided attention.  You are imitating the language as you watch and if you see them do something you are trying to do it yourself.  Thanks to Sesame Street you are eating more bananas then ever.

Labels, labels, and more labels.  If you have a word for it you are using it.  For some reason my name has gone back to being "teacher" even though we never do academic work but I am sure you have some reason. In the car I hear "water" and "bubbles" as we drive by fountains and lakes.  While reading books I hear "horse", "puppy", and "apple" as you read to me.  When you see a TV in passing when we are out you will label the "car" or "ball" (car racing or sports) that might be on.  Last night at dinner you even independently ordered "apple juice" while talking with the server.  The list for your language goes on and continues to grow daily.

And you.. entertain yourself... lets just say that involves doing handstands on the couch, rolling onto you head, flipping plates in your mouth, and using anything you can as a trampoline.  All the while laughing hysterically and giving me that look that you know what you are doing is not quite right but can I really say no to that sweet face.  The answer to that is yes, I can say no, and even though I do throughout the day I cannot help but smile as I watch you grow.  Your pretend play has also grown drastically recently which is where you and I will part our ways :)  Mommy was never good at making stuffed animals talk, tea parties, or picnics.  Playing house, vet, or doctor was just not my cup of tea.  You can talk to Val about this because she tried for years for me to play with her and it just didn't happen.  I promise you though, I will hire you someone to play just as my mom hired someone to play play-doh with me as it was not up her alley either.

So what has changed? Why all the sudden this growth?  Basically, you are ready. You are letting down your guard and you are ready to process all that you have been taking in.  Most importantly, you are happy.  To hear you giggle and carry on and talk to yourself and others will stop me dead in my tracks and makes me remember to cherish these moments.  To celebrate in these successes and to never underestimate who you will be tomorrow.

Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

The Fight - Round 3

The definition of fighter is a person with the will, courage, determination, ability, or disposition to fight.    Fight is then further defined as any contest of struggle.  You my young man are a fighter.  Your will, courage, determination, ability, and passion have allowed you to fight and overcome many obstacles in your life.

Round One : Biological Home
It kills me to know that in your life you had to learn "awful" first.  You didn't have anything to compare it to but you started in this world without the foundations of love and acceptance.  You had to fight for the first three years to overcome abuse, neglect, isolation, drug exposure, filth, and the list went on.  You used your common sense and knowledge to survive.  You stole food from counter tops, drank water from a fish tank, and somehow managed to survive those first 3.5 years.  You literally fought for your life and you won round one.

Round Two : Foster Care
From the age of 3.5 years to 5.5 years you fought to understand your world and surroundings.  You had constant reminders of your past from those you saw daily.  You didn't understand the words you were hearing and had no way to communicate what you needed and what you had been through.  You slipped under the radar for too long for your needs which caused much of the emotional abuse to build. You remained the unknown and the ticking time bomb.  You withdrew even further and fought against moving forward.  You were not ready to let go of your past nor did anyone know how to help you.  You literally fought against your life and honestly you lost round two.  You were knocked down and many had given up on hopes for you progressing.

Round Three : My Little Hot Mess
This has been a long round with both of us being knocked down but we both seem to keep getting up again before the final count.  The fight is different this time though.  Our motives are constantly changing, or goals are growing, and we are evolving daily.  Some days you are fighting against the system and trying hard not to grow.  Other days you are fighting to take that next steps and prove to the world who you are.  Many days I am fighting the world with you, knocking down walls for you to walk through with ease so that you can continue to progress.  There are days though when we are fighting each other.  When I am pushing you to the next step, setting your bar higher then ever before and accepting nothing less, and at the same time you are content with where you currently are and are fighting to pull that bar down.  With all of this we have learned balance and how to tag team our fight as opposed to picking different battles.  Round three is still on but for now you are winning.

This summer has been all about that balance and me learning to listen to you.  You have taught me that when it comes to you making strides that less is more and your biggest gains are when it comes naturally and through your environment and play.  You have found ways to tell me that 14 one on one therapies a week is not going to push you along any faster then 4 one on one therapies a week would and that you also need to be doing activities you enjoy.

Your level of knowledge and understanding stuns me some days and it is because I see this that I know I can step back.  That when you are ready and when you have fought off more of the demons of your past and conquered more of your trust and relationship then others will see this.  Any little boy that has the level of manipulation you do definitely has more going on upstairs then he likes to show :)

Round three is on your time, at your pace, and on your terms..... for the most part.  As you continue to process the first two rounds, develop your language, and discover all that the world has to offer I know that you will come out on top.  Your passion, determination, and will power has made you the strongest fighter that I know.

Keep On Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Lean On Me

Your friends may never realize the impact they have had on your life but they have helped you grow, develop, and overcome much of your past.  They put a smile on your face and spark in your eyes that no one else can.  I hear your sweet voice repeat their names daily and hear your contagious giggle when you see them or watch videos of you all together.  They have helped open your heart and make you the little boy you are today.