A Year Ago Today

One year ago today I stepped off a plane in Idaho and not only met the most amazing little boy in the world but also committed to our future. I followed my hopes and dreams and got on a plane, not knowing the child I would meet on the other side, not knowing what to expect, and scared that I would not be able to bring the little boy home. There were so many factors to consider, so many emotions I had to work through, and so many thoughts of what the future would look like.

Many know of the story that lead me to you. That I started the adoption process right before I turned 25 and committed to a newborn baby boy in Uzbekistan. The nursery was set up, the clothes were bought, and right before my mom passed away she saw the first pictures of this little boy. In December of that year I traveled to Uzbekistan, against many people's better judgement by myself, got on a train from Tashkent, and somehow survived to make it to Kitob to hold who I thought would be my son, Aaden. I then returned home, being told I would return two weeks later to pick him up. I never did return, Aaden was not meant to be my forever child.

I then waited a year. I waited for a birth mom to select my application and choose me to raise her child. This never happened.

Then, I started the search of children in foster care and was matched with little boy in Maine, Tyler. Again, the bed was bought, the clothes were there, and the hopes were he would be home by Christmas. Again, this never happened.

Then suddenly, a few months later I received a phone call that I had been matched with a little boy by the name of Boen in Idaho. My heart fell. I knew I wanted this and had been waiting but I also had been hurt so many times how did I know this little boy Boen was the one? That we were meant to be a forever family? That he was my son and in what I thought would be 4-6 months he would be sleeping in his own room, playing with the neighbors, and the center of my life?

I will be honest, the summary and paperwork was tough to read. Boen was a child who was not potty trained, sat in a corner with limited play skills, did not talk, and did not interact well with others, did not know how to use silverware, did not know his his colors, shapes, numbers, etc., did not understand simple commands and could not follow directions, unaware of people, and the list went on. Boen was described as a child with a rough past and was supposed to be diagnosed with Autism. I had multiple people read this report. My social worker was scared for me, my friends were scared for me, and most of all, I was scared for me. If I met this child and I could not handle his needs, could I say no? So, Jenny, god bless her, said she would come with me. Hold my hand, and also be a sound mind of realistic expectations of Boen and my family.

Well, needless to say, I did not meet Boen, I met Bryson. I meet a child full of life, love, happiness, joy, and a future with endless possibilities. Yes, it was true that Bryson had his needs and was very under developed in many of his skills but he was not the child that was described in the papers. He was first and foremost a child and most importantly he was my son, my forever family. We were meant to be together. Oh, and that sounding mind of mine, Jenny, who came along - She fell in love just as quickly as I did. So much for a sounding board :)

I still vividly remember meeting you at the daycare, you running back and forth between the mirrors and us - laughing at yourself, wanting to be held, and finding amusement in being the center of attention. I am sure the feelings I felt were similar to those of a mom holding her newborn infant. Looking towards the future and seeing the all the possibilities in the face of innocence. Within the first 24 hours of being there I had signed the paperwork committing for you, booked our plane tickets to come back and pick you up a month later, and asked numerous times if there was any chance this could fall through. I was assured you and I were meant to be and nothing was going to change.

Jenny and I had an eventful 3 days with you. Eating your cereal with milk with your hands, screaming in the pool, laughing hysterically in the ball pit, running around the parks, and seeing a glimpse of your current life when we visited you at your foster parents. It was a whirlwind. Barely a second to think but also all the time in the world to plan. When getting back on the plane a few days later, looking through pictures and taking a deep breath, realizing both of our lives were about to change, I just had to make it back a month later.

I realized that even when adopting there is a child for everyone. That you and I were meant to be a family and as much as I may have pushed and tried other routes before they were not my sons. That I had to wait until you were found, ready for adoption, and then for us to find each other. That it can not be forced, that it has to be all in the right time, and it has to be the right match because I can tell you for a fact, you and I are definitely a challenge for each other but I am not sure either of us could have grown and changed as much as we have with anyone else.

Love you more today then yesterday
Keep on truckin baby
Love
Mom

First picture is from the ball pit last April when we met you and the second is the picture I saw of you online at adoptuskids.org

Learning Curve

Ups, downs, and all the things inbetween. You learn new behaviors everyday - some of these are functional behaviors such as brushing your teeth, potty training, washing your own hair in the bathtub, putting on your shoes and even getting your own food and drinks. On the other hand though some of these are just pure and simple behaviors used for escape, avoidance, and manipulation. Yesterday you bit a therapist, learned you could leave the therapy room just as easily as you walked in, suck in air until you give yourslef the hiccups, and that sometimes it does hurt when you throw yourself to the floor. All of these though are growing pains. Stages you must go through and behaviors you must experiment with now in, before you get bigger, and a way to find your own. I also feel that there may be factors out of your control a little that are contributing to some of the not most pleasant behaviors.

Last Monday I took you off the Clonidine. As much as you were calm I finally realized that you were also sedated and some of your trantrums, at that time, were because all you wanted to do was sleep. So, on Monday afternoon, before your lacrosse game, I took you off the patch. Needless to say we learned a lot in the four days wihout any ADHD medication. First and foremost, you still need ADHD medication. I think if you could have attached yourself to the ceiling you would have and then found a way to climb through it. Getting up at 4 am and running strong until well after 11 pm - non stop talking jabbering, barking like a dog, not being able to sit still longer the 10 seconds and constantly running to the next part of your life. Even though all of these needs to be slowed down, we also learned a lot about you!

The spark in your eyes came back. Since you were not sedated your full personality really showed through again and even though there were parts that scared me as it reminded me of where you were when you came home a year ago there was so much laugher, happiness, and true pleasure in the house also. The tantrums were decreased and there was no longer a light switch going on and off in your little body all the time (not to say we didn't have a few moments). As I have said before, the world is not quite ready for you and all that you have to offer because you are such a little spitfire!

So, taking a step back and week off you and I realized we needed to find a happy balance between sedation and manic happiness. You need to be able to focus for longer then a few seconds in order to continue to gain knowledge, or show us the knowledge you already have :) but I also can't lose the spirited young man you are becoming. Where does that put us now? We are now trying Adderall XR. It is a stimulant ADHD medication that you will take once per day and will last till about 6:00 at night. You have been on it for 4 days and I see some positives and also some downfalls, I mean you did bite someone yesterday but I also know we need to give it two weeks before we go back to drawing board. Hang in their baby as we will find exactly what it is you need.

You are also on the gluten free diet now. I am not doing this thinking it will make you talk, take away behaviors, or change the little man you are but simply to help with constipation. This continues to be an everyday struggle for us, and I am sure in some ways impacts temperment as I would not be happy if I did not go for numerous days in a row. We need to go back to the GI doctor but I wanted to give this one full month to see if it made a difference. We are on two weeks and I do see some but nothing consistent yet and barely enough to write about.

Attached is a video of when I met you last April. Can you really believe I met you a year ago. That Jenny and I got of the plane in Idaho and walked into your daycare only to have you run and jump into my arms. You would run and want to be picked up into the air, touch our faces (you were facinated by my tongue ring), and then run back over to a mirror that was on the wall and laugh hysterically at yourself. You knew I was there for you - that we had a plan and life was about to change. We went from the daycare to a park where I quickly realized I needed to start doing a LOT more running as you would keep me on my toes and then back to your foster parents house.

The next day Jenny and I picked you up early and brought you back to the hotel for breakfast and swimming. I realized where more of your deficiets were -you know eating cereal in a bowl with milk using your hands and no spooon is a pretty good indicator of some of the hurdles we would need to overcome. Needless to say though, we all had a field day. From swimming to a house of bounce, to booking airlines tickets for your return home, and then off to lunch before we took you back to daycare. While we were also in Idaho I had the opportunity to see you in your school setting and talk with your teachers and therapists. I was able to start to form a mental picture of what services I thought you would need when you came home - none of these were exactly what I imagined but we are slowly getting all the pieces put together :)

After watching this video again who would have every imagined in less then a year you would be using the iPad like a pro to communicate your thoughts and ideas, that you would be not only on a lacrosse team but actually learning the game of lacrosse, starting swim lessons with your typical peers in two weeks, and honestly, just being the amazing little boy that you are today.

Well baby, heres to another day, another adventure, and to watching you continue to grow. I love you more today then yesterday Keep on Truckin Love Mom

Just One of The Boys

Words can not express how proud I am of you. Not that I do not realize the small accomplishments everyday that you get out of bed and every night as I tuck you in, but tonight you walked onto the lacrosse field, your head held high, stick in hand, and never looked back. You took a deep breath and off you went, just one of the boys, leaving me in the dust!

You ran around with all the other little ones, keeping up to the best of your ability, and cheering on your teammates. Yet again you showed me how much of a little showman you will be and how much personality you have for the world. I am not quite sure the world is fully ready for you when you do finally let down your walls but we are getting there and today was a huge step. I am so very proud of you for all you have accomplished baby.

Keep on Truckin'
Love
Mom

Accepted

Accepted... Moving up and moving on - exploring the next chapter

Do you realize that it has almost been one year since I met you. That as of next week it will be one year since I received the wonderful email that I had been matched and the process would begin to move you home and I could come and meet you!

Little did I know where we would be today. Nothing could be planned even though I tried to plan everything and anything that I did think I had figured out you quickly reminded me that I knew absolutely nothing about what I was getting myself into. I vividly remember the first time I tried to take you for a walk around the block with the puppies. It was actually your first day home and after 45 minutes to get your shoes on I took a deep breath and out the door we went - needless to say by the time we got to Anna and Ellie's house, just five houses down, they felt so sorry for me they quickly got dressed and caught up to us to help finish out the walk and make it around the block. The puppies were terrified, you were screaming, your knees were bleeding from falling and I began to realize that I had no idea what we were going to do next.

Here we are though and this week you were accepted to the Boyd school. This is a private Montessori school close to home. We have done a tour and you have done a trial day there. The school really put a lot of thought into whether they thought they could meet your needs and if you were a fit for the Montessori style. Needless to say, who doesn't love you when they meet you and I received the phone call that they would love to have you. It is not a completely done deal, we need to look at the aspects such as financial aid and schedules but it does show both of us we are moving up and moving on. You will not go back to Loudoun County public schools this year and although I cannot promise it yet, I do not see it as an option for next year either. The Boyd school sees your potential and personality and they want you to be a part of their community - so, I hope they know what they are getting into because here you come and I am sure you will make your presence known.

I am extremely excited with your progress the first three weeks of the full home school schedule. You are showing so much and even though continue to test limits are adjusting to the fact that you have 8 people coming in and out of the house for over 40 hours a week of school. It is your job right now and you are not only learning your ABC's, colors, shapes, numbers, etc... but you are learning flexability, tolerance, patience, and, I am sure, more manipulation :)

Well baby, I am off to bed - you continue to wear me out but I am so excited to see where this next chapter takes us.

Keep on truckin'

Time For An Update

Time flies when your having fun... or when we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off :) I am not even sure where to start, as I have said before, and will always say, you certainly do keep me on my toes.

Homeschooling has gone well for the first two weeks. You are extremely tired by Friday afternoons after all the different people coming in to work with you but you have really been hanging in there. You have shown us that you know more then you let on to, which we have always expected, and that it really does all depend on your mood. I personally have learned and am trying hard to understand the emotional side to you.

Going into adoption I knew that you would have an emotional past and that some things would be easier then others, I just never realized fully the extent that the emotional side would play. I realized there would be tantrums, people you would trust, and moments of tears but I guess I never realized that academics and language would be so tied in also. I never considered the possibility of selective mutism, or that you would not show your academic strengths until you trusted all those around you. The flashbacks are becoming more often. Not that you can verbally describe these to me but I see it in your face. You become pale, a look of dear in the headlights, circles under your eyes, and a cry that breaks the heart of all. As much as we try to protect you from these, to hold you and comfort you through them, it is something you have to work though, with all of our love and support. For this reason, I know I can not put you back in school right now. You need more time to heal and to feel comfortable in your own shoes. You need to develop trust and confidence not only in the people around you but in yourself and in your immediate environment. When this happens another wall will come down and look out world because you will be a force to be wreakin' with.

You have days where we do not see any behaviors. Where you smile and laugh hysterically all day long and these are days of healing. Days where you can take a deep breath and engage and interact in all that you do. Often these are also the days where you shock us with your language. You give us this look like "haha fool, look at all the hoops I get you to jump through just to get me to tell you a color" :) - the moments where we sit back and just laugh. You truly are a character. You were blessed with so much personality and so much desire in life. I picture you being an entertainer, center of attention, thriving off the adrenaline of those around you. Using your past as to influence and educate others and never letting go what has made you who you are today.

First Lacrosse Practice :)

All the Possibilities

Well, there is way to much to catch up on tonight so I will save it for a later post but here are some pictures to show all the fun we have been having. They are from your adoption party (yes, finally my son!), and of course, your first lacrosse practice.. Yes, I am a little ambitious but at least if you fall at lacrosse you have plenty of protection..... I promise to update more baby, but it is time for rest now.......

Love you more today then yesterday
Mommy