Wrapping Up 2014

Since I am so horrible at remembering to write to you I wanted to catch you up on the rest of 2014 before we bring in the New Year!  The last few months have been an absolute whirlwind full of school, travels, and break throughs.  I feel like we have been going full speed ahead and have barely had time to stop and reflect upon all that has happened.  This year has been full of growth and I am so proud of all you have accomplished and where you are today.

Bahamas
In October we hit the high seas on a cruise to the Bahamas!  We had the time of our lives and enjoyed the small moments.  You got to swim with the dolphins, play on the beach, admire the endlessness of the open water, and just kick back and relax.  I had prepared myself for the worst, expecting meltdowns and an emotional roller coaster but it never happened.  You once again far exceeded my expectations and showed me the behavioral and emotional gains you have made.  I am sure having Addison and Amanda on this trip with us also helped you greatly.  You and Addison continue to have your own bond and you would do anything for him.  I hope one day you are able to express to him how much his friendship means to you.

Dolphin Cay

Kissing the dolphin

You were a little unsure

You were full of yourself 

One of my favorite pictures

The Views Were Amazing

A Little Beach Bum

Two Peas In A Pod

Thanksgiving in Florida 

Since you did so well traveling in October we decided to head to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with Pam and her boys Darren and Trevor.  Honestly, it is wonderful that you travel so well and that you honestly enjoy meeting new people and experiencing new things.  It opens up the door for us to experience more of life and of you to continue to learn in your natural environment.  We had fun on the beach Thanksgiving day and you made a new little girlfriend :)  I hope the girls love you as much in high school as they do now!

School/Communication

School has been a highlight of your fall/winter so far.  You love going everyday, have made new friends, and continue to work hard.  The school still does not see the skill level that I do and you like to give them a run for their money but overall, you have made leaps and bounds of progress.  You continue to spend more time in the general education class, you are able to transition with more ease, and you are finally starting to use your communication device across environments!  At home you are actually starting to put together 2 words on your device consistently and are using it willingly.  You are still reluctant to use it with your peers and I honestly think it is because you know it makes you different.  You want so hard to be just like everyone else and keep pace with those around you.  You thrive off your friendships.  Every Sunday a handful of your classmates come over to play which I think I love as much as you do.  I am sure you will continue to grow in this small school setting and cannot wait to see where your potential takes you. 

So overall the last few months have been amazing! I look back at all the changes that have happened, where you were last year, two years ago, and four years ago and I can no longer predict where you will be tomorrow.  You truly are a mystery to me but I am loving everyday of discovering your layers and helping you become who you want to be.  You have recently discovered the world of rap music, expressed continued interested in sports (even though it is not your strength), and as always, have a passion for making people smile.  We are happy and stable.  You are learning, discovering, and growing daily.  I am scared because we have so much more to lose now then we ever have before.  I am scared that waking up each morning you may have slipped away or we may lose the sense of stable we have found.  I am sure this is normal growing pains and I am learning to let go a little more each day.  

Keep on Truckin... Great things are coming your way

Love you

Double Digits!

I can't believe that you turned 10 today! You are my heart, my soul, my passion, and my reason.  You have taught my how to love, accept, grow, and be patient.  You have taught me to laugh at myself, not be afraid to let my guard down, and enjoy myself in the moment.  You are a spunky, energetic, creative, determined, and passionate. 

The earliest picture I have of you is the first one I saw, when I knew you would be my forever child.  Here you are at the age of 5.  Barely weighing 25 pounds and still wearing 2T clothes.   From the moment I met you it was evident you were full of energy and had a mind of your own.  You would run aimlessly from point to point and had more scraped knees, hands, and elbows to last you a lifetime.  More often then not, you also had a skinned nose and bruised face from your adventures.  Now though, your energy is focused and driven.  You have a purpose and goals.  You run with a destination in mind, most of the time, and look to make sure others are following you.   When first reading your reports and meeting you, it was evident you were a follower.  You didn't have the ability or concept to lead others.  Lets be honest, I am not sure you were even a follower as you didn't have the desire or the ability to follow in someones footsteps.  

Today though, you have become a leader.  This surprises me as you still struggle to communicate.  You still need time to form your thoughts and patience as you are mastering the art of talking, but yet somehow, you have become a leader.  You attract other kids, you build friendships around you, you teach the concept of teamwork, and most of all you teach all those around you about hard work and determination.  Adults who meet you can't help but smile and comment on how outgoing you are.  They can't help but laugh when you start your giggle and enjoy the innocence you bring.  

I am not sure how I was blessed to have such an amazing boy to call my son.  You bring happiness, life, and adventures everyday that you get out of bed.  You keep all those around you on their toes and yet never expect a thing in return.  You love on your friends, console them when they are hurt, always find an empty lap to sit in, and laugh at just the right times.  The smirk on your face and light in your eyes shows how much more you understand.  

For a child who is functionally nonverbal, you speak volumes.  You have a story to share and will not stop until everyone hears it.  You give life lessons through your actions and gestures. You are already impacting everyone you met in more ways then most of us realize and I am so grateful and lucky that I am your mom.  I would not be the person I am today if it were not for all you have taught me and you are only 10 years old.  I know I will have my hands full with each year that passes but I also realize you have so much to offer and have only started to impact this world in all that you do.  

Happy Birthday Baby

Keep on Truckin

Love

Mom

Happy Gotcha Day To You......

No words can describe my emotions as I listened to your classmates sing "Happy Gotcha Day To You!"  Your friends have embraced you and respect you.  Your friends have made comments such as "I am so happy for Bryson," and "we are all so lucky to have Bryson in our class."  The class clapped, sang, and danced in celebration of your adoption today.  They are excited in your smallest accomplishments and want to help you succeed daily.  I never imagined a year ago that this is where we would be sitting today.

As I read what I wrote to you last year I knew you were on the verge of breakthroughs. Your walls were starting to crumble and you were allowing yourself to trust.  I was still the only one you showed that trust to though and the world around you was still overwhelming.  Today, that is not the case.  This past year I have had to learn to let go and let you spread your wings because you are ready to fly.
You start each morning at school hugging different second grade teachers and greeting others with "hi's" and "see-ya's."  Other parents have approached me recently to comment on how far you have come, how relaxed you seem in the classroom, and how the relationships with your friends has grown.  Teachers will stop me in the halls when they see me to tell me they see the change in you and how confident you have become.  I used to tell you that school is not Cheers and that "everyone should not know your name" but now I am proud of you for making a name for yourself based on your hard work and determination.

Right now you not only have your personal army behind you but you have a community.  You have a community of peers, adults, professionals, and loved ones who have accepted you for exactly who you are.  Many parents can only hope and dream that one day the world will see their child just as they see them through their eyes.  This is now a reality for me and I could not be happier to take a side seat and watch others help shape you into the young man you will become.  Where you have grown is that you now accept this communities help and trust that you have hands to catch you when you fall.  You have let go of fears, faced demons, shown your true colors, and allowed others to see the child I saw four years ago today when you were placed in my arms.

I no longer have a concept of where you will be tomorrow, 5 years from now, or what adulthood might hold for you.  Honestly, four years has seemed like a lifetime but it is not all that long given the amount of progress you have made.  Your self-regulation, internal motivation, and desire to succeed far out weighs the obstacles you still have to overcome.  The world is no longer the battle but instead just part of the path you are paving for yourself.  You have set the bar high for what this year will bring and I cannot wait to celebrate in all the success and continue to watch you take flight.

Keep On Truckin Baby because this is your year and your time.  These are the moments you will remember, the memories that will last a lifetime, and the opportunities that only come once.  Let yourself be free for the first time in your life and feel all that world has to offer.  Just let yourself be you... I couldn't be prouder....

Love
Mom

Victim No More

Sometimes

when I need

a miracle,

I look into

my Son's

eyes, and realize

I've already

created one.

Oh my little man! You have grown, changed, and developed more then I could have ever imagined over the last few months.  You are truly my miracle and have overcome more then I could ever imagine.  Your emotional growth runs deep, your social growth spans far, and your developmental growth continues to jump high.

You are no longer a victim.  For the last four years I have described how child abuse has affected you.  How your past has been reflected in who you are and how your behaviors are indicators of all you have been through.  Recently though, you are no longer a victim and your past no longer defines who you are becoming. 

Recently you ran your first 5K to raise awareness for child abuse.  You were not the victim in this race but the picture of hope.  As you crossed the finish line I honestly had tears in my eyes.  During the 3.1 miles I was able to reflect upon all you have accomplished and how far you have come.  The day you came home you were still mastering walking up and down stairs and would just fall over when standing still.  You have now crossed the finish line on your own two feet accomplishing more then just completing a race. 

I have been watching you shed your baggage daily and grow into an ambitious, creative, and adventurous boy who carries himself with confidence.  You are allowing the world around you to see what an amazing person you are.  The spark in your eyes has changed... you are no longer seeking permission but instead truly happy with just being you.  

As I walk you into school every morning, teachers and staff members approach me to tell me how far you have come.  That they see how relaxed you are, the happiness in what you do, and how comfortable you are with everyone. You are enjoying true friendships and I am told that you "almost fall over laughing so hard" at recess.  I see a level of acceptance and trust I never expected.  I watch you accept being touched by your teachers, willing to feel and understand that they care for you, and allowing them to see all the potential that you hold inside.  

This is such a pivotal point for you in your development and being able to continue to grow and expand.  I have been your all... from your shoulder to cry on, your face to scream in, your punching bag to beat on, your eyes and your ears when you couldn't use your own, your voice in times of need, and your biggest cheerleader since the moment you came into my life.  This will never change.  What has changed is that you are allowing others to be there for you when I cannot.  You are spreading your wings and trusting that others can catch you when you fall and most importantly cheer you on as continue to navigate the path less often traveled.

I love you more then words can describe

Keep On Truckin'

Love 

Mom

Changing Dreams

My perspective has been changing.  As much as you grow and change on a daily basis I have had to grow and change my thoughts and ideas to form around who you are becoming.  At first I thought by changing my hopes and dreams I was giving up on your future... that by looking at life through a different perspective would not give you the opportunities I so desperately wanted you to have.  I have slowly come to realize though that every parent has to change their ideas and that no child is who we predict them to be the day they were born.

Every parent has dreams of their child becoming the pro athlete, to score the winning point in the game, to become a doctor, or even a lawyer.  What it comes down to though is that every parent wants their child to be successful, happy, and to live life to the best of their ability.

After I first met you at daycare that day in Idaho I remember going to dinner with Jenny.  We went to a small Mexican restaurant and talked all about you.  What potential you held, the fact that I had already fallen in love, and most importantly the daily struggles you faced.  At this time I had no idea what exactly those struggles would be and the depth of your needs.  I remember telling her you would be talking soon, that I would homeschool and have you on grade level, and that all you needed was consistent intervention.  I also remember her asking me what if none of that happened and as much as it crossed my mind in that moment it didn't linger for long.  I assured her that would not be the case.  All I kept thinking was how could you not thrive in my arms?

Well, needless to say, we are here almost four years later and you are not conversational with your language, you are not on grade level academically, and you continue to struggle with your daily living and social skills.  There are days that I look at you and wonder what are we going to do for your future.  I question how you are ever going to survive as you continue to get older and the gap becomes bigger.  With each day that you make progress I celebrate those successes with you but also am scared to death for your future.

But then, I remember how far you have come.  Four years ago you were literally sitting in a corner in diapers pushing cars back and forth.  You were 5.5 years old and couldn't walk around the block, took hours to put on your shoes to leave the house as you rolled around in a tantrum, didn't know how to follow one step instructions, had never held silverware before, and the list went on.  I was naive and blind to all the deficits and kept pushing you.  Each day we just kept putting one foot in front of the other, many times in tears as we faced new struggles, but somehow we survived.

As you have grown these last four years and your behaviors have calmed, mind you not gone but significantly lessened, I have realized that my hopes and dreams are changing.  In just a few months you will be 10 years old.  You are getting ready to enter the "tween" stage of life but yet we face the daily challenges of a toddler on some days.  The gap has only gotten bigger even with your biggest milestones being accomplished.  I watch young children when we are out... I hear their conversations with their parents, their independence in the smallest tasks, and their interaction with the world.  It makes me realize how far we have to go.

What I have also realized though is I wouldn't change who you and the unique outlook you have on the world around you.  Would I love if you could wake up tomorrow and tell me about your hopes and dreams for yourself... of course.  Would I love if you could manage your own life skills... of course.  Would I love if you could read, do arithmetic, and study science and social studies with your peers... of course.  But, I would never want to change the love and passion you have for life.  What I am growing to understand is that basing your milestones on your peers and trying to always look at what the next intervention is to help you fill the gaps is not the way to live our lives.  Absolutely we still have goals, therapies, and a learning curve but we also have a a life full of opportunities.

I am learning that the roadblocks you have overcome and the detours we continue to take will truly be a life long struggle.  I will never give up the hopes and dreams of your future and and all of the potential you hold locked inside but that is exactly what it is, your future.  The spark in your eyes, your intent interest in those around you, your contagious giggle, and your ability to greet each new day with a smile no matter how difficult it is for you to get through are indicators that you are happy, successful to the best of your ability, and living life to the fullest.  I have come to realize that what every parent dreams for their child you have already started to develop.  You continue to amaze me daily and we will continue to put one foot in front of the other, with more laughs then tears, and I will be proud of whoever you become in the future.

Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom

Another Wonderful Day

Honestly I did not know that the word wonderful and school could be used by a teacher to describe your day.  You have blown us all away in the last month with your progress in the school environment and just how far you have come.  I have always known how capable you are but it has always been me fighting the system, nonstop meetings, and in the long run still no one seeing the side of you that I do.  All this has changed though and I am overwhelmed with amazement and the possibilities for what comes next.

I look back at the past four years and wonder what has changed.  What this school district has offered you that we were never able to find before.  I fully believe it comes down to the dedication of the entire staff and them believing in you as a person.  They have celebrated every success with you, waited for you to trust them, started each day with a clean slate, and most importantly accepted you into their small community.  Your special education teacher has taken the time to learn what makes you tick and to read your emotions and behaviors.  He took the time to develop a relationship with you not just look at your deficits.

We have always had wonderful people in our life to support you and to provide interventions or services but we have never been able to find this across the board.  When we have had good support in the home we have fallen apart in the school settings or with therapies.  When we have great therapies we still haven't had the school or the home support.  Until now there has never really been a point where everything seemed to come together at the same time and all be working together versus being polar opposites pushing everything even further apart.  Right now you have school, the community, outside therapies, home supports, and sports all working together and accepting you for who you are and where you are at today, not where you left of yesterday or who you will be in the future.

We have managed to make it over a month without a flashback and with limited self-injury.  You are healing and growing.  You are ready to step out of your box yet again and see what comes next.  What used to set you off into a tailspin of behaviors is now easily redirected and rolls off your back.  The wake up calls of night terrors in the middle of the night or the waking up in the morning yelling at yourself in a flashback are, for the moment, part of the past.  Today you are happy, smiles, and giggling.  Most importantly you are also naughty!!   To most people being naughty would be seen as a negative but it shows me your level of trust and how comfortable you have become.  You do not fear the ultimate consequence of your past anymore and are pushing the buttons one step further.  It is yet again another developmental phase and one I am happy to see you go through.

All of this has allowed you and I to relax and enjoy.  I still hold my breath most mornings just hoping we do not lose all the progress we have made but that will always be a fear in the back of my mind.  I am learning to continue to let go and allow you to form these relationships and enjoy seeing you be successful with so many other people. Watching you being able to trust and bond with others continues to show how much emotional growth you have made.

Tomorrow is a new day and although I have no idea what it may hold for us I can not wait to find out.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Catching Up

Wow!  I cannot believe that I have not written to you since September.  There have been some pretty amazing moments in the last three months and I have no clue where to begin.  Our lives are changing daily and you are growing so much.

Lets begin with September... M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!  Thats right, your dream came true and you had a private meeting with Mickey Mouse!  We had a wonderful vacation with family in California and of course part of that trip was spending time in Disney and California Adventure.  To see your face light up when Mickey walked into the room was absolutely priceless and a moment we will never forget.

It was so nice to be able to spend time with family and allow them to get to know you a little better.  It is one thing to hear about you through the blog or phone calls but it is a whole other adventure to spend a week with you running around...

Also in September we had to continue to look towards the future and I had to make a very difficult decision.  You were thriving in the home school environment academically but you were not getting the social interaction you so desperately wanted and you needed.  I had to weight the pro's and con's of your academic success, social success, and behavioral control.  Since the beginning of summer you had been the most stable I had ever seen you. You had limited self-injury, were using your communication device, continuing to expand your expressive language, and overall just content with the world around you.  As much as it killed me to rock this boat I honestly felt it was the best decision for you.

After much research, prayer, and thought, you started in a new school at the end of September.  You are now attending a very small district (Grandview Heights) that has one school at each level and only 1,000 students total.  Basically we have a private school feel in a public district.  I continue to hold my breath every day that I drop you off and worry about you daily.  I know you are capable of succeeding in this environment but it is requiring a great deal of patience for everyone involved.  You have already had many great moments and more success in this school then we have seen in the past and we could not have asked for a better community!  The peers are wonderful and want to engage with you, they are curious, and they are understanding.  I see so many opportunities in your future.  To see you with your peers at school and when they come over shows me we made the right decision and you are right where you are supposed to be at this time.  

Of course you still work hard to find your place in the community also.  You have continued with hockey this year and I could not be more proud watching you on the ice.  Slow and steady wins the race but you try so hard. You played in your first tournament in November in Pittsburg and we have many more to come.  On top of this you also joined Cub Scouts.  I am not sure I am up for the camping that we will be doing but for you I will step out of my comfort zone and try.... You will owe me big time for this when you get a little older!

I am so proud of you and all that you do.  You continue to put yourself out there everyday and work hard to step up to the challenges that are put in front of you.  You great each day with a new smile on your face and even though at times you get a little feisty and have your moments you have come so far in such a short period of time.  I love the adventure of raising you and cannot wait to see what is around the next turn.

Keep on Truckin'

Love

Mom