April is child abuse awareness month and even though most of the world shutters at the thought of child abuse and those individuals who mistreat and misuse innocent children there is still not enough being done. I will be honest, I was one of those individuals where you hear the stories, you feel sorry for the children, and you question how anyone can do that to a child and why are the parents not in jail, but then you continue to move on about your day. We feel that there is nothing that one person can do to help, that nobody can adopt all the children who have been abused, and the social workers desks are backed up for years. Well, there has to be more we can do though. Even if it is just being aware and realizing the warning signs that a child might be being abused at home. Provided the extra few moments to not only listen to a child but also watch their emotions and their actions as these tell a story too. Volunteering our time as a Big Brother/Sister to local organizations or just educating those around us of the potential of child abuse and the life long effects of this.
I never realized the devastating and long lasting effects of child abuse until this year. I did always know that the emotional "struggles" or tantrums would be around and something we had to work through but I never imagined the effects in so many areas of development.
Emotional and physical abuse has impacted your language, social skills, cognitive development, emotional development, your understanding, and so much more. Everyday is a not only a struggle for you to take in the world around you but also exhuasting as you try to catch up on everything you have missed but yet are afraid to experience. Often times you will shut down, stop talking, afraid to make your next move or interact as a typical child your age would out of fear of what actions will be taken against you. This is an engrained behavior that will take a lifetime to rebuild and allow you to trust and have confidence in yourself and those around you.
A child who has been abused cannot be "fixed." There is no solution, not a sole therapy by itself, a medication, or plan, but instead it is a great deal of time, understanding, patience, and love. I myself was not necessarily blessed with the characteristic of patience but I am learning. I am learning that I have to sometimes sit back and wait for you to do it on your terms at your pace, that I have to wait for you to come to me, and I have to wait for each brick to slowly be moved out of the way. You allow us to see glimpses and moments of what lies behind these bricks and it is amazing - and as with many other things, the great things are worth waiting for.
If you had not been abused and neglected you would not be the child you are today. Maybe you would be talking, maybe your cognitive skills would be higher, and just maybe you would not have special needs at all. Also though, there is a chance you would not have the compassion, resilence, determination, and love for life you have today. You do not deserve the past you have had, the hands you were dealt, and neither do any of the thousands of other children. Adoption is not for everybody - especially the adoption of a child with special needs but everyone can do their part on become more aware of the innocent children.
I love you baby
Mom
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
One of My Favorite Parts of the Day
I love when you sit down and decide you are going to read me a book. This has to be one of my favorite times of the day to see you pointing to the pictures, making up your own story, and interacting with it all. You love all books and magazines and this will be a huge strength for you as you continue to develop.
I need to find the Community
So everyone always says it takes a village to raise a special needs child. I am feeling this more and more lately as I attempt to raise you and keep up with the ever changing world around us. I need to find that community for us. We have part of it. We have our friends and family - those that are closest to us that we love but I feel that we are missing a big piece of the puzzle and that is a team of professionals, that has experience working with the multiple disabilities that you have, that work cooperatively together to find the best treatment option for you.
You do not follow any of the books and what works one day does not work the next. I become confused and frustrated and in all honesty lost in what I am supposed to be doing and providing for you next. I love you with all my heart and I know that is a huge piece to helping you heal from you past but I know I cannot provide you, by myself, all of the additional supports you need to continue to grow and to allow the world to see the young man you are becoming. I can create the opportunities and open the doors, we just have to find the right people standing on the other side.
I look at your face lately and I see a look of innocence. This is new for me. I have always known you were cute and that you use this to your advantage but lately it has been different. Maybe it is as you and I continue to grow, maybe it is the longer hair, that facial features are changing, or just a look in your eyes but something is different. When I catch a glimpse of you deep in thought I can see how wise you are beyond your years. I can see that you see the world differently from us, that you never take a moment for granted but that you also have seen the evil it can hold. You are a beautiful child on the outside and with you this comes from all your experiences and all your emotions that are deep within.
This week has been rough. Your behaviors are extreme again and the self-injurious behaviors are out of control. What are you trying to communicate? What do you need? How can I help you? Unfortunately you are not able to answer any of these questions. All I can do is sit back and watch, wait for you to allow me to move a another brick out of the way, and hold you when you are ready.
The other day I heard you in the kitchen - you could not see me so I stood back and watched for a second. You touched a bag of cookies and then started yelling at yourself. You became angry, pointing your finger at the floor, walking back into the play room yelling at the floor, looking down, and pointing at something. Then, all of the sudden, you just fell to the ground and laid completely still for a moment - not making a sound. Then, you popped up, and went through this routine all over again. When you got up the second time you saw me and again you had the face of a deer in the headlights. You were not connected, it was like watching a person struggling with PTSD as you were remembering something that had happened in your past. You were not only acting out the adult but also yourself laying on the floor, helpless and alone. Baby, I don't know what has happened in your past. I don't know if you remember everything in your past but I do know you need to continue to work through these moments. That it is a step that you feel safe and comforted enough to work through some of these memories.
You have grown so much yet I know every step forward is two steps backward. That the happy balance we have been searching for is still years away, and that is okay, but I just wish I knew where to turn next sometimes. When behaviors escalate do I call the pediatrician, the psychiatrist, or the specialist? Do I increase therapy or are you having to much therapy? Are the medications causing the behaviors and would you be better bouncing off the walls? Nobody has the answer to any of these - it is trial and error and I hate trying option after option on you even though it is for you.
I just don't know what tomorrow will bring for us baby but keep on truckin' - you are an amazing strong little boy and we will conquer this.
Mommy
You do not follow any of the books and what works one day does not work the next. I become confused and frustrated and in all honesty lost in what I am supposed to be doing and providing for you next. I love you with all my heart and I know that is a huge piece to helping you heal from you past but I know I cannot provide you, by myself, all of the additional supports you need to continue to grow and to allow the world to see the young man you are becoming. I can create the opportunities and open the doors, we just have to find the right people standing on the other side.
I look at your face lately and I see a look of innocence. This is new for me. I have always known you were cute and that you use this to your advantage but lately it has been different. Maybe it is as you and I continue to grow, maybe it is the longer hair, that facial features are changing, or just a look in your eyes but something is different. When I catch a glimpse of you deep in thought I can see how wise you are beyond your years. I can see that you see the world differently from us, that you never take a moment for granted but that you also have seen the evil it can hold. You are a beautiful child on the outside and with you this comes from all your experiences and all your emotions that are deep within.
This week has been rough. Your behaviors are extreme again and the self-injurious behaviors are out of control. What are you trying to communicate? What do you need? How can I help you? Unfortunately you are not able to answer any of these questions. All I can do is sit back and watch, wait for you to allow me to move a another brick out of the way, and hold you when you are ready.
The other day I heard you in the kitchen - you could not see me so I stood back and watched for a second. You touched a bag of cookies and then started yelling at yourself. You became angry, pointing your finger at the floor, walking back into the play room yelling at the floor, looking down, and pointing at something. Then, all of the sudden, you just fell to the ground and laid completely still for a moment - not making a sound. Then, you popped up, and went through this routine all over again. When you got up the second time you saw me and again you had the face of a deer in the headlights. You were not connected, it was like watching a person struggling with PTSD as you were remembering something that had happened in your past. You were not only acting out the adult but also yourself laying on the floor, helpless and alone. Baby, I don't know what has happened in your past. I don't know if you remember everything in your past but I do know you need to continue to work through these moments. That it is a step that you feel safe and comforted enough to work through some of these memories.
You have grown so much yet I know every step forward is two steps backward. That the happy balance we have been searching for is still years away, and that is okay, but I just wish I knew where to turn next sometimes. When behaviors escalate do I call the pediatrician, the psychiatrist, or the specialist? Do I increase therapy or are you having to much therapy? Are the medications causing the behaviors and would you be better bouncing off the walls? Nobody has the answer to any of these - it is trial and error and I hate trying option after option on you even though it is for you.
I just don't know what tomorrow will bring for us baby but keep on truckin' - you are an amazing strong little boy and we will conquer this.
Mommy
Monday, April 18, 2011
A Year Ago Today
One year ago today I stepped off a plane in Idaho and not only met the most amazing little boy in the world but also committed to our future. I followed my hopes and dreams and got on a plane, not knowing the child I would meet on the other side, not knowing what to expect, and scared that I would not be able to bring the little boy home. There were so many factors to consider, so many emotions I had to work through, and so many thoughts of what the future would look like.
Many know of the story that lead me to you. That I started the adoption process right before I turned 25 and committed to a newborn baby boy in Uzbekistan. The nursery was set up, the clothes were bought, and right before my mom passed away she saw the first pictures of this little boy. In December of that year I traveled to Uzbekistan, against many people's better judgement by myself, got on a train from Tashkent, and somehow survived to make it to Kitob to hold who I thought would be my son, Aaden. I then returned home, being told I would return two weeks later to pick him up. I never did return, Aaden was not meant to be my forever child.
I then waited a year. I waited for a birth mom to select my application and choose me to raise her child. This never happened.
Then, I started the search of children in foster care and was matched with little boy in Maine, Tyler. Again, the bed was bought, the clothes were there, and the hopes were he would be home by Christmas. Again, this never happened.
Then suddenly, a few months later I received a phone call that I had been matched with a little boy by the name of Boen in Idaho. My heart fell. I knew I wanted this and had been waiting but I also had been hurt so many times how did I know this little boy Boen was the one? That we were meant to be a forever family? That he was my son and in what I thought would be 4-6 months he would be sleeping in his own room, playing with the neighbors, and the center of my life?
I will be honest, the summary and paperwork was tough to read. Boen was a child who was not potty trained, sat in a corner with limited play skills, did not talk, and did not interact well with others, did not know how to use silverware, did not know his his colors, shapes, numbers, etc., did not understand simple commands and could not follow directions, unaware of people, and the list went on. Boen was described as a child with a rough past and was supposed to be diagnosed with Autism. I had multiple people read this report. My social worker was scared for me, my friends were scared for me, and most of all, I was scared for me. If I met this child and I could not handle his needs, could I say no? So, Jenny, god bless her, said she would come with me. Hold my hand, and also be a sound mind of realistic expectations of Boen and my family.
Well, needless to say, I did not meet Boen, I met Bryson. I meet a child full of life, love, happiness, joy, and a future with endless possibilities. Yes, it was true that Bryson had his needs and was very under developed in many of his skills but he was not the child that was described in the papers. He was first and foremost a child and most importantly he was my son, my forever family. We were meant to be together. Oh, and that sounding mind of mine, Jenny, who came along - She fell in love just as quickly as I did. So much for a sounding board :)
I still vividly remember meeting you at the daycare, you running back and forth between the mirrors and us - laughing at yourself, wanting to be held, and finding amusement in being the center of attention. I am sure the feelings I felt were similar to those of a mom holding her newborn infant. Looking towards the future and seeing the all the possibilities in the face of innocence. Within the first 24 hours of being there I had signed the paperwork committing for you, booked our plane tickets to come back and pick you up a month later, and asked numerous times if there was any chance this could fall through. I was assured you and I were meant to be and nothing was going to change.
Jenny and I had an eventful 3 days with you. Eating your cereal with milk with your hands, screaming in the pool, laughing hysterically in the ball pit, running around the parks, and seeing a glimpse of your current life when we visited you at your foster parents. It was a whirlwind. Barely a second to think but also all the time in the world to plan. When getting back on the plane a few days later, looking through pictures and taking a deep breath, realizing both of our lives were about to change, I just had to make it back a month later.
I realized that even when adopting there is a child for everyone. That you and I were meant to be a family and as much as I may have pushed and tried other routes before they were not my sons. That I had to wait until you were found, ready for adoption, and then for us to find each other. That it can not be forced, that it has to be all in the right time, and it has to be the right match because I can tell you for a fact, you and I are definitely a challenge for each other but I am not sure either of us could have grown and changed as much as we have with anyone else.
Love you more today then yesterday
Keep on truckin baby
Love
Mom
First picture is from the ball pit last April when we met you and the second is the picture I saw of you online at adoptuskids.org
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Learning Curve
Ups, downs, and all the things inbetween. You learn new behaviors everyday - some of these are functional behaviors such as brushing your teeth, potty training, washing your own hair in the bathtub, putting on your shoes and even getting your own food and drinks. On the other hand though some of these are just pure and simple behaviors used for escape, avoidance, and manipulation. Yesterday you bit a therapist, learned you could leave the therapy room just as easily as you walked in, suck in air until you give yourslef the hiccups, and that sometimes it does hurt when you throw yourself to the floor. All of these though are growing pains. Stages you must go through and behaviors you must experiment with now in, before you get bigger, and a way to find your own. I also feel that there may be factors out of your control a little that are contributing to some of the not most pleasant behaviors.
Last Monday I took you off the Clonidine. As much as you were calm I finally realized that you were also sedated and some of your trantrums, at that time, were because all you wanted to do was sleep. So, on Monday afternoon, before your lacrosse game, I took you off the patch. Needless to say we learned a lot in the four days wihout any ADHD medication. First and foremost, you still need ADHD medication. I think if you could have attached yourself to the ceiling you would have and then found a way to climb through it. Getting up at 4 am and running strong until well after 11 pm - non stop talking jabbering, barking like a dog, not being able to sit still longer the 10 seconds and constantly running to the next part of your life. Even though all of these needs to be slowed down, we also learned a lot about you!
The spark in your eyes came back. Since you were not sedated your full personality really showed through again and even though there were parts that scared me as it reminded me of where you were when you came home a year ago there was so much laugher, happiness, and true pleasure in the house also. The tantrums were decreased and there was no longer a light switch going on and off in your little body all the time (not to say we didn't have a few moments). As I have said before, the world is not quite ready for you and all that you have to offer because you are such a little spitfire!
So, taking a step back and week off you and I realized we needed to find a happy balance between sedation and manic happiness. You need to be able to focus for longer then a few seconds in order to continue to gain knowledge, or show us the knowledge you already have :) but I also can't lose the spirited young man you are becoming. Where does that put us now? We are now trying Adderall XR. It is a stimulant ADHD medication that you will take once per day and will last till about 6:00 at night. You have been on it for 4 days and I see some positives and also some downfalls, I mean you did bite someone yesterday but I also know we need to give it two weeks before we go back to drawing board. Hang in their baby as we will find exactly what it is you need.
You are also on the gluten free diet now. I am not doing this thinking it will make you talk, take away behaviors, or change the little man you are but simply to help with constipation. This continues to be an everyday struggle for us, and I am sure in some ways impacts temperment as I would not be happy if I did not go for numerous days in a row. We need to go back to the GI doctor but I wanted to give this one full month to see if it made a difference. We are on two weeks and I do see some but nothing consistent yet and barely enough to write about.
Attached is a video of when I met you last April. Can you really believe I met you a year ago. That Jenny and I got of the plane in Idaho and walked into your daycare only to have you run and jump into my arms. You would run and want to be picked up into the air, touch our faces (you were facinated by my tongue ring), and then run back over to a mirror that was on the wall and laugh hysterically at yourself. You knew I was there for you - that we had a plan and life was about to change. We went from the daycare to a park where I quickly realized I needed to start doing a LOT more running as you would keep me on my toes and then back to your foster parents house.
The next day Jenny and I picked you up early and brought you back to the hotel for breakfast and swimming. I realized where more of your deficiets were -you know eating cereal in a bowl with milk using your hands and no spooon is a pretty good indicator of some of the hurdles we would need to overcome. Needless to say though, we all had a field day. From swimming to a house of bounce, to booking airlines tickets for your return home, and then off to lunch before we took you back to daycare. While we were also in Idaho I had the opportunity to see you in your school setting and talk with your teachers and therapists. I was able to start to form a mental picture of what services I thought you would need when you came home - none of these were exactly what I imagined but we are slowly getting all the pieces put together :)
After watching this video again who would have every imagined in less then a year you would be using the iPad like a pro to communicate your thoughts and ideas, that you would be not only on a lacrosse team but actually learning the game of lacrosse, starting swim lessons with your typical peers in two weeks, and honestly, just being the amazing little boy that you are today.
Well baby, heres to another day, another adventure, and to watching you continue to grow. I love you more today then yesterday Keep on Truckin Love Mom
Last Monday I took you off the Clonidine. As much as you were calm I finally realized that you were also sedated and some of your trantrums, at that time, were because all you wanted to do was sleep. So, on Monday afternoon, before your lacrosse game, I took you off the patch. Needless to say we learned a lot in the four days wihout any ADHD medication. First and foremost, you still need ADHD medication. I think if you could have attached yourself to the ceiling you would have and then found a way to climb through it. Getting up at 4 am and running strong until well after 11 pm - non stop talking jabbering, barking like a dog, not being able to sit still longer the 10 seconds and constantly running to the next part of your life. Even though all of these needs to be slowed down, we also learned a lot about you!
The spark in your eyes came back. Since you were not sedated your full personality really showed through again and even though there were parts that scared me as it reminded me of where you were when you came home a year ago there was so much laugher, happiness, and true pleasure in the house also. The tantrums were decreased and there was no longer a light switch going on and off in your little body all the time (not to say we didn't have a few moments). As I have said before, the world is not quite ready for you and all that you have to offer because you are such a little spitfire!
So, taking a step back and week off you and I realized we needed to find a happy balance between sedation and manic happiness. You need to be able to focus for longer then a few seconds in order to continue to gain knowledge, or show us the knowledge you already have :) but I also can't lose the spirited young man you are becoming. Where does that put us now? We are now trying Adderall XR. It is a stimulant ADHD medication that you will take once per day and will last till about 6:00 at night. You have been on it for 4 days and I see some positives and also some downfalls, I mean you did bite someone yesterday but I also know we need to give it two weeks before we go back to drawing board. Hang in their baby as we will find exactly what it is you need.
You are also on the gluten free diet now. I am not doing this thinking it will make you talk, take away behaviors, or change the little man you are but simply to help with constipation. This continues to be an everyday struggle for us, and I am sure in some ways impacts temperment as I would not be happy if I did not go for numerous days in a row. We need to go back to the GI doctor but I wanted to give this one full month to see if it made a difference. We are on two weeks and I do see some but nothing consistent yet and barely enough to write about.
Attached is a video of when I met you last April. Can you really believe I met you a year ago. That Jenny and I got of the plane in Idaho and walked into your daycare only to have you run and jump into my arms. You would run and want to be picked up into the air, touch our faces (you were facinated by my tongue ring), and then run back over to a mirror that was on the wall and laugh hysterically at yourself. You knew I was there for you - that we had a plan and life was about to change. We went from the daycare to a park where I quickly realized I needed to start doing a LOT more running as you would keep me on my toes and then back to your foster parents house.
The next day Jenny and I picked you up early and brought you back to the hotel for breakfast and swimming. I realized where more of your deficiets were -you know eating cereal in a bowl with milk using your hands and no spooon is a pretty good indicator of some of the hurdles we would need to overcome. Needless to say though, we all had a field day. From swimming to a house of bounce, to booking airlines tickets for your return home, and then off to lunch before we took you back to daycare. While we were also in Idaho I had the opportunity to see you in your school setting and talk with your teachers and therapists. I was able to start to form a mental picture of what services I thought you would need when you came home - none of these were exactly what I imagined but we are slowly getting all the pieces put together :)
After watching this video again who would have every imagined in less then a year you would be using the iPad like a pro to communicate your thoughts and ideas, that you would be not only on a lacrosse team but actually learning the game of lacrosse, starting swim lessons with your typical peers in two weeks, and honestly, just being the amazing little boy that you are today.
Well baby, heres to another day, another adventure, and to watching you continue to grow. I love you more today then yesterday Keep on Truckin Love Mom
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