Deep Breath

Bryson,

I love you with all my heart. I cannot imagine my life without and I know you are meant to be my child. There are times though when I need to take a deep breath. When I need to shut the door behind me and take a moment before I walk back in to finish the task. The is normal though... I know all parents go through this. I know it is bonding, it is emotions, and it is pure and simple parenting.

Things week Jenny has been in town with Shelby, Donald, and Taylor. You have definitely tested all the boundries to include taking off your diaper at nap time and urinating all over your room. You are hitting, yelling, kicking, urinating, and just plain and simple pushing every button you can. Its never a good thing when I pull over on the road, pull you out of the car, and put you in time out behind the car because you are yelling at me and hitting and kicking my seat. We an only go up from here right? Well, one would think but you still needed to push a little further and decided to urinate in your bedroom three times within two hours. We will get there - I know we will but that was our low point this week.

I wonder what is going through your little head though. Do you think these other children are staying? Is it to off schedule for you to follow? Do you just like to simply push the buttons?

Many people have mentioned to pick and choose my battles - My question to them is which battles would you give up on? You eventually live up to every expectation I set for you. You realize boundries and even though you test them, you strive off of them. You potty trained in less then a month, you play appropriately with toys, you use some of your pictures to communicate, you come when called, you listen to instruction, and you know when you are trouble. If I start to choose what battles to pick then I know you will play the system.

"Learned Helplessness" has served you well for so long it will take us years to break this cycle.

We are so excited though Bryson. On Monday you will start school. You will only go to this school for the month of August on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays from 830-330. This school is based upon ABA therapy and actually you are the only student registered for August so you will receive one on one therapy. This is wonderful and I think will be the push you need to continue moving forward. In September you will go to a typical preschool at Sterling United Methodist Church with a shadow. Again, this will be huge for you. The strides will continue to come.

I worry about your emotional status as we push so much socially and academically and you make so much progress. We will battle this hurdle when it comes but for now keep on truckin baby


Love you more then all the sand in all the world

Mom

By the way - the above picture is when you finally gave in the other night and went to sleep

Frustration

It is now 930 pm. You have been downstairs sitting in the foyer since 645 pm. The demand is simple... put on your underwear and shorts... your answer is simple - no! I am determined to wait you out on this. I am trying not to show emotion, trying not to let you know how frustrated I am and how much I am tired of these games.

You are so used to acting as if you do not know what is going on or acting as if you do not know how to complete the task getting you out of actually doing something that you are fighting with every ounce of power you have to not give in to this. You do not want to do it yourself and I am sure you do not understand why but I do not care. I know how smart you are, how capable you are of completing these tasks and how stubborn you can be.

I am angry that it is over 2.5 hours later and we are still at it. That it will probably be a few more hours before we are done and then we will start all over again tomorrow morning when you have to get dressed for the day. Little do you know as soon as you get dressed now I will be telling you to take it all off so you can take a bath.

I realize it is going to take months if not years to break how stubborn you are. To take the fight out of you and for you to turn over what ever last little bit of fight you have. You have made so much progress but acting as if you do not know what is going on is unacceptable to me. I just will not tolerate it. Keep sitting down there baby - you might just fall asleep down there but one thing I do know is some of the battles I have to win too

Mr. Brown Can Moo Can You

Yes, Yes you can and you can make a whole bunch of other sounds too.

You can click and you can clock
You can beep and you can bop
You can snort and you can plop
You can sigh and you can cry

You find ways to bark, with great pride and joy
Followed by head shaking with fun and amusement
You stand on chairs and sit on stairs
Pushing buttons with persistence

You continue to hold up the hoops you want everyone to jump through. You have not quite discovered yet that we will all make it through the hoops, even the ones that are on fire. It is hard for us all to remember sometimes that you probably have more persistence and determination then all of us and if you decide to hold up another hoop then we are all going to have to wait a little longer. I have learned and finally come to the realization lately that there are certain battles I am not going to win. So you don't pee standing up, you won't let me help you swim in the pool, and you like to make bee-bopping noises into walls. I guess I need to let you hold onto these small things - to realize that you will let me hold you and rub your head as you go to sleep at night, you will let me read you a books, and you love to share your crayons with me. You are officially potty trained at this point and you are eating full three meals a day (umm.. and let me just say that three full meals a day does not help the malabsorption problem so thank God you are potty trained!)

When we started potty training I told you I would buy you fish when you completed this task. I am not sure if you understood this promise but being true to my word, I took you out on Sunday and we bought three little fish and a tank. You spontaneously said "Fsh" and we decided to name them "one," "two," and "three" because we knew you could then call them by name :) Well, needless to say mommy does not know a whole lot about fishes and they only survived about 10 minutes after coming home. We did get one picture of your interest in them and I will be off to buy you "four," "five," and "six" later this week.

Love you Baby

My Little SPED

Some people might be a little put off by my nickname for you - but it truly is an endearing term and makes me smile every time I think about it. You are my little SPED and always will be. You amuse everyday with your antics and even through my great frustration sometimes I look back at all we are doing. In the short nine weeks you have been home you have earned yourself.....

- An appointment for sedation at the dentist to get a cavity filled and your teeth cleaned
- Orthotics for your feet and ankles
- Appointment with an audiologist
- 10 hours a week of ABA therapy
- A five day a week spot in a preschool with a shadow in the fall
- An appointment with an Pediatric GI doctor - I was told this week you have a malabsorption problem and need further eval
- Waiting lists for PT's, OT's, and speech therapists
- Aquatic Therapy once per week
- Adaptive sports camp once per week
- An appointment with a neurologist

And I am sure the list will go on..... We have been busy between appointments, evaluations, and scheduling but we are making it! Somehow you gave yourself a black eye over the weekend, best guess is that you were playing around in bed and fell into the side of it somehow - who knows, you tend to fall alot - especially down the stairs when you are watching the dogs behind you.

I am determined to get you independently riding a bike this year. It is quiet amusing to be out watching us as we attempt this feat. I have attached velcro straps to your pedals and then I stand on the side of you, one hand on your seat, and one hand actually turning your foot and pedal. You then just happily go along, not really aware of the amount of effort mommy is putting into this task. We are all good until someone passes us by and you being mister social decide to take one hand off the handle bars, turn your head and wave.. This means the bike also goes the direction of your head, Mommy starts to trip and lets go, and you have no clue what just happened!

Kinda of like kicking a soccer ball where someone has to stand in front of you, hold your head down so you look at the ball and keep moving forward, and then someone else, on their hands and knees, has to crawl behind you moving your feet in the right direction and kicking motion so you don't attempt to stand on the ball and fall on top of the person crawling behind you.

Yesterday was a 2.5 hour wait for you to sit in time out. You knew you were trouble, that you were supposed to sit on the bottom of the stair (mind you you only have sit quietly for about 30 seconds and you are allowed up) but you wanted no part of it. You would sit on the stair above, the stair below, run up the stairs and crawl around the stair but sitting on THAT stair was not part of your agenda. Finally, after 2.5 hours and a lot of Super Nanny techniques of no eye contact or feedback, you sat on THAT stair for 30 seconds as quiet as a mouse smiling and so proud of yourself. Know, if you had done that 2.5 hours earlier you would not of missed dinner or T.V. time and not had to go bed, but.. all this will be learned in time

I came into your room two nights ago, thinking you would be sound asleep as I was going to bed and little did I know you had gotten out of bed, turned on your light, and had many of your books under the covers with you. I was greeted with a little head popping out from under the covers, a smile, and a "hi" - followed by you willingly turning over all the books and quickly turning over to go to sleep - your light is now unplugged in your room.

I only wish we had taken more videos of some of these moments. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath, have a glass of wine, and vent to those around me but when it is all said and done I cannot imagine my life without you and all of our adventures. You are through and through a little boy and love to play hard and sleep hard too. I am sure the moments will get bigger and smiles and frustrations will continue to come . You have SOOO much personality inside of and you like to show it and of course, be the center of attention.

Love you

Continued Amazement

I am speechless - about four weeks I took you to sports camp for the first time. Needless to say I decided that you would not be going for awhile. The amount of attention you needed and the lack of focus and interest you had pulled so much away from staff that I had decided we would wait until you had settled in a little more.

Tonight we went back again. I expected some rough times and thought you needed a one on one the whole time. Well, yet again you proved me wrong. You were able to rotate with your small group. You did not try to run away too much, you followed directions, and overall seemed to have a good time. And, even better, you are completely crashed out now! You are catching up on lost time so fast and the changes are apparent to everyone.

There are times when I look at you and am angry at your biological parents. Angry that you missed so much of life and that it took so long for you to find home. I don't know what the future holds for you, what exactly your delays will be, or where we will even be tomorrow but you have so much potential, love, and determination I know you will go far. Where would you be if you were not locked in a room for three years? Where would you be if you were not abused or exposed to drugs? I know we will never have the answer to these questions and we cannot dwell in the past - and it is part of your past who has made you who you are today. I also know that if things had been different I would have never found you. All I know is that today you are leaps and bounds beyond where you were even eight weeks ago. Today marks the two month mark of you being home and yet I feel as if it has been years. You are loved and followed by many. Now, if I could just get you to share those cars and trucks a little more I think we would be golden! I know, I know, I can't ask for to much :)

I love you baby!

Physical Changes

I think it is important to realize not only your emotional growth but also your physical changes. The first picture was when I first meet you in mid-April. The second picture is from two weeks ago, only six weeks after being home!

So... You think you are a dog - I guess things could be worse

Oh Bryson, what am I going to do with you. If you bark like a dog one more time Mommy may just lose it. You started this within the first few days of coming home in imitation of Sadie. I guess I should be very happy that you have the imitation skills and that you want to interact with the dogs but it is one sounds I just can't stand. It also doesn't help that you know I can't stand the barking so whenever you are in trouble or not getting attention, you just start barking again. Hopefully when you are around more peers you will start imitating their language, not the dogs barking!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote you and I can barely keep up. ABA therapy started a little over a week ago. You are receiving 10 hours per week and things are going well. You are generalizing the skills quickly and starting this week we will really be focusing on the Picture Exchange Communication System (PEC's). I am hoping this will slow down your language a little, lessen your frustrations (and mine), and give you more vocabulary. Your favorite words of "go," "mine," and "please" will only get us so far!

Potty training is about 80% done. You are starting to request with "pee pee pa pa" (your interpretation of "pee pee potty) and are holding it longer and longer. LIttle do you know that if you didn't drink so much throughout the day you wouldn't have to spend so much time in the bathroom.

Last week we bought you a bike. You want to ride it but we are going to have to figure at some adaptations. You have a hard time keeping your feet on the pedals and using your core strength to hold your body upright. I am trying to rig some things so that it will be a little easier - I can only follow you from behind holding your feet on the pedals and helping you move them for so long.

You have transitioned okay with the nanny and me going to back to work. You definitely test her the most right now but I am hoping this will settle in - if we can just convience her to stay in the fall!

You do still have few quirks we are discovering. Yesterday when I put you to bed I found six pairs of shoes under your comforter and all your shorts, on their hangers mind you, tucked behind your bed. There is a part of me that knows this is you just being a little boy and another part that knows you are hoarding items a little because of your past. Every wall that comes down another one shows up but the progress is amazing.

Keep on trucking little one because you are amazing us all and making up for so much lost time.

Love you