New Emotions

For the first time I have honestly been angry with your biological parents.  Maybe this is not fair of me... maybe I need to remain open minded... maybe I do not know the whole story.  I do my best to write to you with an open mind and an open heart.  Years from now when you look back on this I want you to be able to capture a piece of your childhood, remember the good times, the struggles, and find the parts of adventures that stand out to you. Since my mom has passed I love reading the journal she kept for me and sensing her emotions.  Her pride in me, her support, her love, and, at times, her frustration.  It helps me piece together my past, realize what has helped shape me into the person I am today, and also understand who my mom was and how our relationship grew over time.

I never met your biological parents.  I spent hours upon hours reading through case histories, background information, and court notes.  I read letters from foster parents, guardians, teachers, and different evaluations.  I tried to take in everything that was offered to me and put it all together to understand the little package you were when I adopted you.  Never in my dreams did I know that three years later I would still be figuring it all out and after three long years would I allow my emotions towards your biological parents to overwhelm me.

You see Bryson you are such a unique and special little man with more will, determination, passion, and personality then any one person can handle.  I love you for all of this.  You have made so many great gains and strides that I often go to bed every night wondering what new skill you will show me tomorrow.  Each day is truly an adventure and you have taught me the virtue of patience and the impact of acceptance and understanding.  For some reason I knew this year would be a roller coaster for us and I have been determined to weed through your needs to figure out what our true obstacles are.

Recently, during this process, a new diagnosis was brought to my attention.  Some of your therapists believe you may have Childhood Aphasia.  Aphasia is not something you are born with.  The physical abuse you suffered, self injury that you engaged in, and drug exposure you endured could have damaged part of your brain, specifically the language region.  This would explain your struggle with word recall, apraxia, forgetting steps in sequence, and moments of feeling lost.  This is a diagnosis that could have been prevented, one that you should have never endured, and one that will impact you forever.

You and I have heard a lot of diagnosis over the past three years.  While mentally I know the diagnosis does not matter and we will continue to move forward with high expectations, emotionally I cannot help but be angry.  Currently, you are diagnosed with severe Anxiety which is caused by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD combined type which can be caused by your exposure to drugs, and now Childhood Aphasia which is caused by your abuse, self injury, and drug exposure.  All of these diagnosis could have been prevented.

I am angry at your biological parents as they have caused your disability.  They are the ones responsible for all you have been through.  I know I have to let go of this.  That I need to move on and just continue to look towards our future and continue to provide you with the love, interventions, and time that you need.

At times I am honestly torn.  Every piece of me believes that you were always meant to be my forever child but if that is true why did you have to suffer the past that you did? If you did not have the past that you did would you still have the strong will, determination, and passion that you do today?  Every moment of our past impacts who we are today and whether good or bad it shapes the person we become - with this though did you have to suffer at the hands and in the house of your biological family?

While I want to live in the present and continue to move forward you are reminded daily of your past through your disabilities.  You struggle to communicate verbally, you become lost in your emotions, and you do not trust anyone except me and at times even trusting me can be a struggle. Through all of this though you have a smile that can light up a room, a giggle that is contagious, and a spark in your eyes that tells me everything is going to be okay.

Today I see a little boy who has finally let his guard down.  Who is experiencing the world around him and trying so hard to keep up. Today I watch a young man who wakes up every morning ready to take on the world and never gives up on what he believes in.  I see strength, courage, and desire in overcoming obstacles that many of us would have backed down from.  I see a boy who has heart and who will overcome his past.   With this though I also see a little boy who is having panic attacks, who suffers from flashbacks, and who emotionally needs an army to keep him stable.

Everyday I am working to teach you to overcome your own anger and emotions from your past. I am working with you on building relationships and finding the balance of trust you need.  You are putting one foot in front of the other to find your place in this world.  I have to let go of my anger that I am carrying for you to allow you to let go of it also.  This does not mean I accept the past you were given but instead that I love the person you are today.  I honestly cannot wait to see what you have in store for me and how you will continue to grow and change.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom

Gotcha Day

Happy Gotcha Day to the most amazing, spirited, determined, and passionate little boy I know!  Wow!     This year on "Gotcha Day" I am in disbelief that it has only been 3 years that you have been home for. In our day to day lives I feel like I have had you for an eternity, and most days I feel like we are racing a clock in order for you to catch up.  Today I am reminded though that there is nothing you need to catch up to.  That we are not racing any clock, that we have a lifetime ahead of us, and that in the three short years you have been home you have grown leaps and bounds on your time and at your pace.  

One of my favorite parts of the last three years is even though you were already 5.5 years old when I adopted you I have been allowed to go through all your developmental milestones with you.  Three years ago you were not talking, you were still like an unsteady toddler on your feet, the food groups were a novel concept, your idea of self-help skills was learned helplessness, and your emotions were as unpredictable as the changes in the wind.  Three years ago our biggest battles were putting your shoes on to leave the house, somehow tackling you into a car seat, putting a muzzle on your barking, and trying to teach you that you hurting yourself was not the solution to the worlds problems. Three years ago, as much as I thought we had a path laid out and a direction to go, we were both completely lost.    

Over the course of this time I have celebrated in your ability to run around on the lacrosse field with your peers and learn to play ice hockey without falling down. Yes, the little boy who had to sit down to go down the stairs and needed assistance to step off the curb was ice skating just this past winter.  I have been amazed at your thought process and your desire to communicate.  The little boy who could only say "go" and "no" is now telling me his favorite foods, animals, toys, and that more often then not that you do not like my cooking.  That is, unless, I am making clam linguine, because that same little boy who didn't eat anything that wasn't in a baggie and crunchy now loves seafood, salads, and variety of other foods.  

I have watched you discover that learned helplessness is not nearly as exciting as doing things for yourself.  The little boy who was described in his original paperwork as sitting in a corner without play skills, still not toilet trained, and needing assistance on daily living skills is now making his own breakfast, telling me "wow" after he uses the bathroom independently, and would much rather pick out his own clothes and dress himself then allow me to do it for him.  Oh, and those play skills?  You have an imagination that puts me to shame any day!  Play was never my strength and you now remind me of that daily as you play Lego's, action figures, dinosaurs, cars, and super-hero's.  You can tear it up outside on a scooter and some how beat me every time in Memory.  You continue to thrive off peer interactions, always wanting more, and somehow you never lose pace with them.  Seeing you run around the neighborhood, playing ball, and hearing your giggle from down the street makes my heart melt.  

I do not even know where to start when trying to describe to you how you and I have continued to grow together over the last three years.  In reality, in the last 6 months your wall has not only crumbled but it has come crashing down when you are around me.  Your level of trust, acceptance, and patience in our relationship has grown and this has continued to change the little boy you are today.  As I sit next to you on the couch I no longer sense your tension and fears.  When you talk to me things are not always a question anymore but instead a statement as you have found confidence in your voice.  When we are alone your little smirk and spark in your eyes tell me you are up to something.  These last six months have also been extremely trying as you need me to be your all and I want to be your all but I had to start looking at it this way.  I was afraid I was losing you, that the behaviors were overwhelming again, but in reality you were reaching for me more then ever.  It was your way of keeping me close and making sure I was always going to be your rock and that I am not going anywhere.  Your emotions still have a level of unpredictability, but that is what makes you, you.  Your emotions are part of your personality and what gives you your drive and determination to put one foot in front of the other every single day.

In the past three years I have watched you fall and get back up over and over again.  I have watched you strive to conquer skills that may come easy to others.  I have watched you try to figure out the world around you and find where you fit in.  In the past three years you have grown from being the "baby" that was handed to me at the airport to the adventurous young boy who is ready for a new challenge.  Your determination, spirit, hard headiness, and perseverance has grown into an amazing young boy who is ready for whatever tomorrow may bring.  Now, I am not sure I am ready for whatever you may bring to me tomorrow but I can't help but smile as you just giggle and run away.  

So, on this years "Gotcha Day" I just want you to know how so very proud I am of all you continue to do, all that you have accomplished, and all that you will do tomorrow.  Each day is a new adventure in our life but unlike three years we are no longer lost.  We are actually creating our own path, setting new standards, and conquering the unthinkable everyday.  

Keep On Truckin

Love

Mom

Don't Let The Door Hit You

This is our new motto to live by, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"  I am tired of the games, the review of medical history, the explanation of behaviors, and the longing looks from those around us.  I am tired of helping people do a job that I could with my eyes closed most days and a job I am damn good at.  I am done with watching you struggle and being told it is what is best for you in the long run.  So, to all the professionals who do not understand, to the providers who have given up, and the individuals who like to judge, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."  

You are such an amazing young boy who has grown before my eyes.  You have a passion for music, reading, army men, spiderman, and electronics.  You would go to the end of the earth to be with your friends and around peers.  You bring a smile to my face every morning that I find new items hidden in your bed as you greet me with a "hi!" and huge grin.  Your eyes sparkle with a light that they did not have three years ago and for that reason we will continue to thrive.  

Trust and anxiety are still difficult for you and rightfully so.  A dear friend has been trying to tell me, and I finally understand, that "I am all you need,"  that "I am your all."  Finally, as I let my guard down and stop listening to the other voices telling me I can't do, I realize what this means.  I am your rock, your foundation, and your emotional security.  I am the one that knows you, understands you, and motivates you.  I am your all and all that you need.  

This does not mean that I have all the answers or that we will not always our moments because you love to test, push, and challenge me daily.  It does not mean that we do not need the help of specialists for your speech, occupational, and physical therapies and that yes, you will still have to go to see these lovely people.  What it does mean though is I am your mom and I know what is best for you.  I know when you have reached your limit.  When someone is not a good match and when we need to pull back.  Most of all I am able to provide you an education.  To allow you to trust and grow in your educational needs on a level that providers, other teachers, tutors, and therapists cannot.  It has only taken us five different school placements, handfuls of teachers, and multiple consultants for me to finally take the advice of someone who knows me the best.  I am all you need and I am your all.  

You are an extremely bright and motivated child that loves to use manipulation and behaviors to escape the demands of education from others. With me though, you want to show me what know.  You want me to clap for you, praise you, and brag about how smart you.  You do not see this motivation in others and it requires a level of trust that we honestly do not have time to wait for.  Recently you have shown me that you are reading sight words, that you have an understanding of sentences as you fill in missing words, that you can sort by beginning sounds, understanding rhyming, and can answer comprehension questions after a book is read aloud.  You are honestly bored, waiting to be challenged and waiting for the world to rise to your expectations instead of us waiting for you to rise to ours.  We are discovering that you are performing well beyond where we thought you were and that this coming year could be a lot of exciting changes.

You are challenging me to find ways to teach a child with limited expressive vocabulary to read.  I mean seriously, how do you demonstrate reading using an AAC device?  Well, we are about to find out!  You are challenging me to think one step ahead.  To know always have the new set of academics ready because you probably already know the answers to the ones in my hand.  You are challenging me to find new opportunities in the community for you - lets just say a full day summer camp and horseback riding lessons ought to wear you out in the coming months.  You are challenging me to think about what is functional and important to your future versus what I want you to learn.  You area also challenging me to rethink our interactions, my parenting, and what the future may hold for us.  These challenges are so different from three years ago when instead you were challenging me by throwing yourself down the stairs or barking like a dog 24/7.  

So, you and I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and create our own path.  One day I will write the book from my perspective and I am sure you will fill in your opinions on how crazy I really was as your mother.  We truly are taking "The Path Less Often Taken" and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Keep on Truckin

Love

Mom

My Heart Crumbles

Your Look

Your Eyes

Your Soul

My heart crumbles every time I hear the cry.  Every time I see the look in your eyes.  Every time I am reminded of the pain you endure in your soul.

I don't know what I can do.  How I can make it better.  I don't know how I can hold it together for you.

I feel guilty saying this.  You go through this multiple days a week, even sometimes multiple times a day.  You rage in anger, you don't have a voice to communicate, you lose sight of who you are and how far you have come.  You lose sight of your safety and check out of reality.

The blank stare comes across your face. Your eyes disconnect from us and look distant.  You cry out for "help" and say "ouch" but yet there is nothing we can help you with and there is no visible wound that we can comfort.

At times I can hold you.  I can tell you I am here for you, that you are okay, and that life goes on.  Other times though, you have to go through it. You have to be able to have your moments in order for us to move forward.  It hurts me and my heart crumbles to listen.

Many times I do not understand the why.  I do not understand why being asked to use bingo dotters, or to clean up your toys, or to put your shoes on can end in such a violent rage of emotion.  In the beginning I think I was able to detach better.  As much as I knew I was your mom three years ago and loved you with all my heart, our emotional bond has grown so much stronger that we feel each others emotions.  We read each other, we know our next moves, and we both relay on the other deeper then either of us ever expected possible.

You have broken down my walls I didn't even know I had and I have taken down bricks to your walls.  During your emotions though I am scared that the bricks I have removed have left you open to the elements.  That the bricks that have fallen have opened you up to a world that you are not ready to handle.

There are times that I wonder if I am wrong for pushing you.  That you are not ready, need more time, or honestly are just to fragile to be pushed.  During these same times though I look back at how far you have come and the gains you have made in the last three years.  Even though rages come and emotions pour out, it is still less then it used to.

I never knew what an emotional ride this would be for us.  I never knew the barriers we would be trying to overcoming and the ups and downs that this roller coaster would involve.  Maybe I was naive, maybe a little too innocent, maybe just blinded by the immediate love I had for you.  I will go to end of the earth for you.  I will carry your emotions for you, be your rock if you allow me, and protect you from the world until you are ready.

As I have said in the past, you have sewn your heart around my heart.  So as my heart crumbles I know your heart continues to grow.  I know it is a process and each day is a new day for us to conquer - together.

Our Looks

Our Eyes 

Our Soul

Will Be One

We Will Conquer

Keep on Truckin

Love 

Mom

New Beginnings in 2013

For some reason right now I am really looking forward to the new year.  Don't get me wrong, I know that basically all it means is another turn of the calendar page but for 2013 I see great new beginnings.  I cannot believe how much you have grown and changed and your determination to continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I am often times overwhelmed with the little man you are becoming. I am scared on a variety of fronts, some founded and some not so much.  One day I will be looking at you and I can't believe how far you have come in such a short period of time and then the following day I am watching you wondering how you will ever make it the fast paced world around you.  I am scared to death that we haven't done enough, that you haven't made enough progress yet, and that the gap between your skills and your age is only getting bigger.  Then I have moments when I am scared to death because you show me moments where I know you will thrive and that one day I will have to let go and allow you to try to fly.

This past year has been a fast paced run and I am not sure why.  The finish line is no closer, the strides are no longer or shorter, and towards the end we have forgotten to stop and smell the roses.  Focuses have changed, more schools have come and gone, programs have evolved, and the calm has been far from the center of our lives.  With all of this chaos, you have continued to move forward and show the world you will not go down without a fight.  In 2012 you.....

* Learned to dress yourself
* Increased your expressive vocabulary to close to 100 words using some 2-3 word phrases
* Discovered the game of hockey and learned to ice skate
* Learned a few select 3-4 letter words to show your personality
* Discovered what it means to be a smart ass
* Discontinued the use of all mood stabilizers and decreased the amount of medication needed
* Started to read sight words
* Developed a passion for science
* Learned to lay on your stomach and enjoy the view of the world from this angle
* Started tracing horizontal and vertical lines with minimal assistance
* Began to cut with regular scissors
* Overcame your fears of taking a shower versus a bath
* Drastically decreased your self-injurious behaviors
* Mastered all of your foundational skills (colors, shapes, letters, letter sounds, 1 to 1 correspondence)
* Found out about Elmo, Mickey Mouse, Woody, and Spiderman
* Continued to show resilience as schools and programs changed and peers came and went
* Developed a strong imaginary play including expanding your interests
* Found your internal motivation for independence and showed it in a variety ways
* Discovered the world of electronics

Most importantly, in 2012, you allowed your emotional walls and barriers to fall down around you.  You recently have allowed yourself to discover the world on your terms and through your own eyes.  This is your biggest accomplishment in 2012 and nothing anyone could teach you.  I could allow you to feel safe, allow you to explore, and allow you patience and understanding.  Mind you baby, patient and understanding are not two words that are often used to describe me, but you taught me this.  Over the past year you have taught me to let go of certain expectations, relax and enjoy the moment, and that I can not always predict what will happen next.  You taught me that I could not set the path for you but instead you had to be ready to pave your own path and over the last few months that is exactly what you have done.

You are the one driving 2013.  I do not know the destination of the path you paved but just as you have learned to trust me I have learned to trust you and am along for the ride.  I cannot control the twists and turns and ups and downs because this is your life story.  What I can do though is continue to support and provide for you.  I will be your biggest advocate, cheerleader, and supporter.  I will also be the first person in line when you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to lean on.  I will continue to provide you with the resources and therapies that help you meet your goals and I will continue to raise the bar for you and show you all that you are able to accomplish.

I feel as if we have finally hit the point in your emotional, academic, and social development where it is no longer a comparison to your past but simply a celebration in your success and realizing the doors to your future that each step opens for you.  I feel that although your past will always have an impact on who you are, it no longer is the dictator of who you will become... it is simply your past.

We have so many opportunities ahead of us and I am excited to see which direction you will take us in. Developmentally you are a bouncing four/five year old that is excited for your next adventure.  Language wise you are at the pivotal moment of a two year old, right before the explosion.  These two factors alone should lead to an exciting start to the new year and one that will definitely keep me on my toes.  I cannot wait to see where this adventure takes us




Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom

Magical

As Christmas day comes to a close I have thought about all Christmas means to us and the magic that is in the air.  The Christmas season is a time of imagination, growth, fairy tales, adventures, and maybe a little magic just for good measure.  This year I was able watch all the excitement grow within you and really admire the little boy that you are.

Christmas in my house was always surrounded by family traditions and ideas of what the holiday should be.  As you and I have grown over the years we have adopted some of these traditions and also created some of our own.  The one special tradition that really stood out to me this year and realize how much it meant to my mom was the "eye sparkler" under the Christmas tree.  Every year, in addition to our Santa gift, there was one present under the tree that your grandmother called the "eye sparkler."  She described it as the gift that would make our eyes just light up and the one gift, that I now understand, she put the most thought into getting for us. It was usually something we had been wanting for awhile or what we thought was  necessity in life.  Now, something you have to remember about Uncle Mike and I is that we do not get outwardly overally excited over much.  It is just not our personalities to jump up and down with a smile on our face and our "eyes sparkling."  But, as we got older we realized how much this meant to our mom and we did not want to disappoint.  I remember for a few years he and I would open all of our gifts and blink our eyes really hard while trying to smile and ask if it was our "eye sparkler"  There was one year though I had no doubt over my eye sparkler - my mom had gotten me the NBA starter jacket for the Charlotte Hornets - I know, random, but it is all I had talked about.  There was no doubt my eyes sparkled when opening that gift.

I wanted to continue this tradition.  I wanted to make sure there was the one present under the tree that would "wow" you and would be your first "eye sparkler."  I thought for days on end on what it might be and what gift you just wouldn't want to put down.  Then, I found it!  It would be the Nook HD.  I rationalized that you could use it for your homeschool program, it would foster your reading, and it would be an electronic toy that you are so drawn to these days (as is any 8 year old).  I took time to program it with books, wrap it nicely, and place it in the back under the tree so it would be last gift you opened.  What I learned this morning though was all of your gifts were your "eye sparklers."

I was reminded today that you take nothing for in granted for life. That you are so grateful for all that you have and all that you receive.  Every gift you opened this morning was greeted with "ohhhs" and "ahhhs."  You would talk about the present with "what do you see?", "I wanna .....", "oh whoa...", and much more. You opened each gift slowly and made sure all the paper was removed.  You actually looked at the gift for what it was, gave a sweet "thank you", and then pointed to the next one to open.  You face was lit up bright and happy.  You truly sensed the magic of Christmas and enjoyed yourself in the moment.  And that great electronic gift that I didn't think you would wan to put down.... well.... yes, you liked it but honestly you were just as happy today to be a playful 8 year old and let your imagination run wild as you played with your wooden train set, the star wars action figures, and your new spiderman.  The stuffed Mickey Mouse you got went everywhere with you, including the movies tonight.  

So yes, I was able to carry on the family tradition of the "eye sparkler" gift but you brought so much more meaning to it today.  Your innocence, gratitude, and unique and special outlook on life brought back the magic of Christmas for me today and reminded me of what the holiday season is about.  Today also reminded me of what a special little boy you are and that I have no worries of who you will be in the future.  

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Say What?

I cannot believe all of the language we are hearing these days.  For about the past week everyone you have talked to has noticed a pretty drastic increase in your communication.  Anything from your ability to put 2-3 words together independently, your imitation of words and sounds, and your ability to follow directions.  

You are coming up with new labels and requests independently such as "doughnut," "star," "spiderman," "off" and "down."  You are making your dislikes known to others, for example, running around your room naked and telling your therapist "no clothes, " "clothes all done," "no more clothes." And you are engaging others in your preferred activities by asking questions like, "do you wanna Lego orrr you wanna cereal?"  When you use language like that  we will do whatever you want!  

Without prompting you are imitating words you hear around you in order to be a part of conversations and allow your voice to be heard.  You are then using these words spontaneously just moments later and generalizing their meanings.  You are starting to realize more that words are made up of different sounds and it is the combination of these sounds that you need to focus on.  With less effort you have been able to make these sounds and your speech is more intelligible to all those around you.  

On top of this, you also do still use your communication device on occasion which has also expanded.  You used it the other day to say "welcome all, come Ms. Jody" - you were trying to welcome the babysitter and wanted her to take you to your speech therapist Jody.  Then when asked to tell what animal says "moo" you used your device to say "make me" and then laughed and walked away.  Lets just say not everyone is able to use their AAC device to give or show attitude but you have definitely found a way :)

This is a very exciting time and I am so very proud of you everyday.  I know how hard you have worked and continue to work and how much it means to you.  You clap and cheer for yourself when you are able to make new words or sounds.  You smile and giggle with happiness as others honor your requests and hear your voice.  You take great pride in all of your success which continues to be your driving force.  My mom always taught me to trust my gut and my gut is telling me that we are going to continue to see some amazing growth over the next year.

Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom