Everyday a new door opens for you. You seem to discover a new part of life and take great joy in your accomplishments. We have allowed you to open and close these doors on your own time and to communicate to us, in whatever language it might be, your likes and dislikes. It is time though that I need to start opening some of the doors. That I start creating opportunities for you and that I start finding different possibilities.
One thing is for sure - you do not fit into any mold or box. We cannot say exactly what your disability is except that you have multiple disabilities - the most important your emotional state. The more I watch you grow and develop and the way you acquire skills the more I realize that your own emotional wall will always be your biggest barrier. That you need an environment where you feel completely safe and secure being who you are and where you feel you fit in. Where you can trust everyone that you come in contact with and know that your past life is behind you. I will not be able to protect you in this way forever or keep emotional triggers away from you but right now, your emotional well being needs to be the number one priority.
Recently, school is not an emotional safe place for you. Something has happened and your actions show us you do not feel safe anymore. It could be as simple as someone looks like somebody from your past but whatever the reason may be it has greatly impacted you in that environment. So, it is time we look at other possibilities and that I need to discover all the options we really have in front of us.
I have always wondered if the public school system would be able to meet your needs. When you first came home my goal was to home school for at least two years. To allow you to trust and feel safe in the home environment and to also let us get a better idea of where you were and make up for a lot of lost ground. You quickly showed me though that you thrived off of your peers and you needed more interaction then a home school environment could give you. The private preschool had its ups and downs and so I took a jump and placed you in the public school system, I even then took a job in the public school system so I could give you more of the support you needed. But my gut is telling me this is still not the best placement for you. Your actions have told me this also. It is just a matter of where do we even start to turn to next for next year.
As I said, you thrive off of your peers so self-contained programs for children with disabilities or private schools only for children with disabilities are not an option for us. This means we are looking at private schools for typically developing children and then providing you with a shadow in order to support you behaviorally and academically. Lets be honest though, a lot of private schools are not going to be open to this option and they have that right not to accept a child with special needs, especially as demanding as yours can be depending on the day. We have a to find a school where you feel safe, where a shadow will be allowed, and where they will give you a fighting chance instead of just thinking you can't do it.
So, we will be opening new doors and discovering new possibilities. All of these doors are going to have their ups and downs and pros and cons but we will find you the right fit and the right environment where you feel safe enough to show the world all that you are holding inside of you.
Love you Baby
Mom
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
You Can Stop Growing Any Time Now
Ummm.. Yeah, I think it is time we slow down the growth Spurt.
Picture #1: April 2010 when we first met
Picture #2: June 2010 when we went to visit Jenny in Ohio (one month after coming home)
Picture #3: September 2010 your birthday (four months after coming home)
Picture #4: December 2010 Christmas (seven months after coming home)
Picture #5: February 2011 Aquarium (nine months after coming home)
Antics
Oh the joys I have in watching you grow everyday. You are a piece of work, truly, my little shit head and I mean that in the most loving way possible.
Tonight, I want to share some of your newest antics. Some of your moments where I have to stop and remind myself that you are such a little boy at times and where I also have to remind myself that your behaviors are very typical of other children at times and then at other times strong reminder of your personality and what I like to call a sense of humor.
Driving home from dinner last night I hear you playing with your iPad in the back seat. As usually, seeing if you can get more candy from me and asking to sing songs - you usually do not take "no" for an answer, you just keep asking. This time though you were also going into your toy screen. I heard you hit "Mr. Potato Head" and then start touching the buttons for the pieces such as "nose," "head, "mouth," "foot," et... Mind you, we have been working on your body parts since the day you came home and then all the sudden I hear this little "nossss" and "maatth" as you said it. And, as I turn around I see you labeling your own body parts as you touch them on the iPad and you look up at me and just smile like - "see, told you I could do!"
At dinner the other night I decided to make breakfast. I cooked up the pound of bacon and made eggs with cheese and to us, this is a gourmet meal. I even decided to sit and eat with you. As we were eating I said, "Isn't this good... mmm... mmm.." without hesitation you looked at me and said "wonderful mom!" My heart just sank, again, never taking advantage of the small things.
I received an email from the school a few weeks ago. (We have still been having our ups and downs with the school but that is a whole other post). The assistant principal emailed to inform me that you had urinated, on purpose, on a staff member when you did not want to use the restroom. As I know I should have been slightly upset with you for this one, I am thinking in the back of my head, really, she can't move out of the way from a six year old! When I came home and and asked you if you had done this you simply smiled, said "no" while laughing and ran into the other room - as you grow you will have to learn to at least try to keep a straight face if you are going to stretch the truth.
You have a new name for me. Since the day you came home you have had "momma" or "mommy" with no problems. Now though, for some reason, you are calling me "teacher." I swear to you, I have stay as far away from actually doing academics with you as possible as I want that to be the job of the therapists. But, for some reason, I am now "teacher." Even sitting in the bathtub tonight, when you were ready to come out you just kept smiling and saying "teacher" until I came in to see what you needed.
You are now officially getting completely out of bed in the morning and coming into my room. Unfortunately though this is at 430 or 500 in the morning. Almost like a "hey mom, you worked so hard on getting me to come out, now look at me!" I do miss my extra hour of sleep but I do laugh as you bounce and jump over me in bed.
You have learned the finer arts of getting yourself dressed in the morning and also finding your way downstairs. The other morning I thought I sent you to get dressed. I then did a few things in my bedroom, couldn't of been more then 2 minutes, and the stood in my doorway, just waiting for you to finish getting dressed so we could brush your teeth. After about 5 minutes of standing in the doorway I look in your room only to discover you were not there! You had gotten dressed in a matter of a minute and had already gone downstairs to start getting your breakfast. When I came down you stood at the bottom of the stairs and just laughed at me.
Your iPad broke over the weekend. Not sure what happened but the screen would not turn on. You still wouldn't let go of it though so you carried the broken iPad into the Apple store as mommy prayed they would be able to fix it. As soon as the nice guy at the tech bar took it to try to repair it you threw a holy hell of a tantrum, self-injurious behaviors and all. Well, I guess they felt sorry for us because they ended up trading out your iPad for a new one so we would not have to go through the trauma again. See, sometimes the tantrums can be helpful.
Today was a school holiday. We spent our day at the National Aqaurium in Baltimore. You LOVED it. At some points you were on your knees, right at the level of the fist in the bottom of the tank and I even heard you sing to one of them. You loved jumping from tank to tank and seeing the different ones swim around. Maybe we will try again with fish in the house if mommy can go without killing them this time.
On Friday we met with a private speech therapist about your use of the communication device. Ends up she thinks you need a higher tech device to continue to grow your language. You will be getting the Dynovax Maestro in about 6-8 weeks. I am very excited about this to see what doors will be opened up next. Ill be honest, I am not sure how much more personality you have hidden away but I am sure we are about to find out - it is a never ending adventure!
Love you baby
Mom
aka "Teacher"
Thursday, February 3, 2011
You Sew My Heart Around Your Heart
I know this may not make sense. That the analogy is a little confusing and maybe stretching at times, but actually it is true. You have, over the course of these few short months, started to sew my heart around your heart. This is not easy to say considering I did not know my heart my was broken and needed to be sewn but it was. You have helped me grow, develop, and even face parts of my past that I had hidden, and with this started to heal parts of me that I am finally able to admit were broken. I had forgotten how to trust and how to love. I had forgotten how to let lose and love life. These life lessons are ones you have never taken for granted. Since the moment you can home you have never missed an opportunity to laugh, to allow yourself to be known, and to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. You have broken down walls and trusted those around you and found security in your new life. Watching you grow, watching us grow together, I realized the other night how much you have changed me and how much my life would not be what it is today without you in it.
As many people who know me are already aware, I always wanted to adopt. It is a dream that I have had since I understood the concept and I will admit, since I discovered I could have children and did not have to actually ever be pregnant. There are children all over the world looking for a home. Looking for a place where they can be accepted and loved and look forward to their future. Some of these children have special needs, some are typically developing, but all of them, all of you, have a past. You experience and encounter the world differently. You read people before they even say a word to you. You trust few but accept many and have a passion for testing those around you to make sure they are not going to leave you. You, and the other children, have seen the world in ways we cannot even imagine. You have seen the worst in people, lived through hell, and still, somehow through all of it, find a way to smile and forget the past, let go of the pain, and move on to whatever adventure what might lie in front of you.
Its interesting to watch, you don't need anyone to hold your hand as you have been through worse, but you smile and take comfort in the fact that you do have someone who will hold your hand now. You don't need all of your little bumps and bruises kissed and rubbed but you take security in knowing someone will. You don't need anyone to kiss you goodnight before you fall asleep at night but you trust that I will always be there for you. I have also learned that you will comfort me and hold my hand when we encounter a new adventure, that you will kiss and hug me when I am down, and that I can trust you will always be here for me.
With this, you have started to sew my heart around your heart. My love for you, my child, my son, will never change. It grows stronger everyday. You curled up in my bed the other morning (and this time there was no iPad to the head :) put your head under my chin, wrapped your arm around me, and fell fast asleep again. It just so happened that this was a snow day and we could sleep for hours. I didn't sleep though - instead I watched you sleep. I smiled at your innocence and thought about where you were 9 months ago when you came home. I thought about where I was 9 months ago today and how far we have come over this time. How far we have grown and how much we have developed.
I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us and what adventure is around the next corner.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Mom
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Just Don't Eat The Yellow Snow!
"Perhaps we cannot prevent this from being a world in which children suffer, but we can lessen the number of suffering children."
Albert Camus
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
iPad To The Head
Yes, I do understand that the iPad is your way of communication. It is your words and solely belongs to you. It is an item I cannot take away, I can not use it to negotiate/bribe with you, and I sure as hell can't use it as my own toy. Instead it has become your security blanket and your wing man - it is your way to access and interact with the world around you - something you have never had before. I have never seen a child actually use their communication device nearly as much socially as you do, nor have I seen a child so attached. You no longer have your stubbornness associated with it. You will on occasion still not want to answer a question but if there is something you want you have no problem making that very clear and asking us over and over and over again!
We have been working, or let me rephrase that, I have been working very hard on trying to find a way to have you get out of your bed independently in the morning and come out of your bedroom. For years, it was engrained in your head that you do not leave your bed or your room but now you need to. You needed to learn that when you wake you, you get up and you go the bathroom and the day goes on instead of waiting for me to give you permission. I tried practicing this over and over again, I tried setting an alarm clock to train you that when you heard the alarm you could leave your room, I even tried just leaving you in there until you came out on your own - and all of these failed. Finally though, yesterday morning for the first time, I was just getting out of the shower and I hear this little "mommy," "mommy," "MOMMY!" out in the hallway. I push open my door a little wider and there you were with Monkey under one arm and your water bottle under another and your iPad on the ground behind you that you were pulling by the charging cord (you have not quite learned the fine art of unplugging the cord). We clapped, cheered, and went on with our morning routine. I guess, as with everything, it had to be on your time. When you were ready to have that wall fall down and move on to the next one - when you trusted enough to know you were safe to leave your room without permission, not when I was ready for you to do it.
Then, this morning, bright and early at 6:45 am (its a snow day) I hear you in the hallway. I say quietly your name and the next thing I know I have an iPad upside my head as you are trying to climb into bed with me. Now, as much as I know you love that iPad and it goes everywhere with you, it really does not feel good especially that early in the morning. You then proceeded to curl up, iPad under your arm and fell fast asleep again for another 45 minutes. Its these simple moments that all to often could be taken for granted. All to often could be passed by as typical little boy behavior, but I know that it is these moments when your world changes a little more. When you grow a little emotionally you let down one more piece of your past and you continue to grow into the beautiful young man that you are.
Love you baby
Keep on Truckin
Mommy
We have been working, or let me rephrase that, I have been working very hard on trying to find a way to have you get out of your bed independently in the morning and come out of your bedroom. For years, it was engrained in your head that you do not leave your bed or your room but now you need to. You needed to learn that when you wake you, you get up and you go the bathroom and the day goes on instead of waiting for me to give you permission. I tried practicing this over and over again, I tried setting an alarm clock to train you that when you heard the alarm you could leave your room, I even tried just leaving you in there until you came out on your own - and all of these failed. Finally though, yesterday morning for the first time, I was just getting out of the shower and I hear this little "mommy," "mommy," "MOMMY!" out in the hallway. I push open my door a little wider and there you were with Monkey under one arm and your water bottle under another and your iPad on the ground behind you that you were pulling by the charging cord (you have not quite learned the fine art of unplugging the cord). We clapped, cheered, and went on with our morning routine. I guess, as with everything, it had to be on your time. When you were ready to have that wall fall down and move on to the next one - when you trusted enough to know you were safe to leave your room without permission, not when I was ready for you to do it.
Then, this morning, bright and early at 6:45 am (its a snow day) I hear you in the hallway. I say quietly your name and the next thing I know I have an iPad upside my head as you are trying to climb into bed with me. Now, as much as I know you love that iPad and it goes everywhere with you, it really does not feel good especially that early in the morning. You then proceeded to curl up, iPad under your arm and fell fast asleep again for another 45 minutes. Its these simple moments that all to often could be taken for granted. All to often could be passed by as typical little boy behavior, but I know that it is these moments when your world changes a little more. When you grow a little emotionally you let down one more piece of your past and you continue to grow into the beautiful young man that you are.
Love you baby
Keep on Truckin
Mommy
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Bryson James Murray
It is official, you are Bryson James Murray!
At 8:45 this morning our lawyer called to inform us that the judge signed your final order of adoption this week and everything is signed, sealed, and delivered. We will get our copy this week, order the new birth certificates, close the doors to this part of our life and move on as our forever family! With or without the paperwork I have known since the moment I met you that you were my forever child and you had been waiting for me. That we would learn, grow, and explore the world around us together and never look back.
My heart dropped when I listened to the news and a felt as if a weight has been lifted off our shoulders. The news I have been waiting to hear.. finally! I cried a little but tears of joy - you were in the bath tub (where you like to spend a good deal of times these days) and I just smiled at you and said "you are officially Bryson James Murray - welcome to the family!" Its hard to explain and describe what all of this means. The years of waiting for this day and the roller coaster of a ride it has been to get here. I know God has plans for both of us. That it really is out of our hands and life happens on its own time when everything falls into place and as we have seen with the entire adoption process, nothing we can do can make it happen faster or in a different way. The adventure had to lead me to you. I went to Uzbekistan and back, worked my way through an agency in Montana, held on to a brief bit of hope in Maine, and then finally found my way to Idaho in order to hold you in my arms. Who would have thought that the little boy I saw on a webpage sitting with his older sister would one day land himself into my arms and curled up in my heart forever? Who would have thought that a child who had fallen through the cracks for so many years would be the light of the life for so many he encountered? Who would have thought a child could have so much life, personality, and spunk after all he had been through? Well, you saved it all for me. You knew you would find yourself in the hands of a family and you knew you had so much to offer the world it was worth fighting for. And you knew all that spunk you have offer would be paybacks for my childhood days :) We are two peas in a pod who like to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders but are both learning everyday to let down our guard, trust those around us, and simply enjoy our lives together and today was another stepping stone on that path.
I look back at paperwork, and pictures, and think about the process it has been on occasion and once I spoke with the social workers in Idaho about you it all happened so smoothly (minus missing a flight to pick you up) and quickly that I don't think either of us had to time to think. You were legally free for adoption in January of 2010. I submitted my home study and letter of interest on March 22nd, 2010. On March 31st, 2010 I received a phone call and email that the selection committee had met and I was selected - that I was matched with my son. On April 13th, we received confirmation that both Idaho and Virginia approved the adoption (the say that it was the fastest approval they have ever seen). On April 19th, 2010 I arrived in Idaho and laid eyes on you for the first time and fell in love with you. Then, May 13th, 2010 you finally came home. I have to tell you baby, that is very fast compared to what I have seen and worked through in the past. So today, January 22nd, 2010 we have been told that the process is finalized, only 8 months after you arrived home and less then a year after I met you. I will find out what actual day the judge signed the degree but really we have always known nothing could separate us once you arrived home.
I know you do not completely understand all that happened today, the relief, the giant steps forward, and the security that this means, but I do know you realized, a long time ago, that this was final. When we walked through security at the airport in Idaho you suddenly had a new name, a new life, and there was no looking back. You took everything in stride and in all honesty accepted what was placed in front of you. Not that you don't have your moments and I see the times you take a few seconds of reflection but you are allowed that. You are allowed to take in the world around you, to see, to hear, and to absorb all that is occurring. You are allowed to simply be Bryson James Murray!
I love you baby and I cannot wait to start this next chapter of our lives
Mommy
At 8:45 this morning our lawyer called to inform us that the judge signed your final order of adoption this week and everything is signed, sealed, and delivered. We will get our copy this week, order the new birth certificates, close the doors to this part of our life and move on as our forever family! With or without the paperwork I have known since the moment I met you that you were my forever child and you had been waiting for me. That we would learn, grow, and explore the world around us together and never look back.
My heart dropped when I listened to the news and a felt as if a weight has been lifted off our shoulders. The news I have been waiting to hear.. finally! I cried a little but tears of joy - you were in the bath tub (where you like to spend a good deal of times these days) and I just smiled at you and said "you are officially Bryson James Murray - welcome to the family!" Its hard to explain and describe what all of this means. The years of waiting for this day and the roller coaster of a ride it has been to get here. I know God has plans for both of us. That it really is out of our hands and life happens on its own time when everything falls into place and as we have seen with the entire adoption process, nothing we can do can make it happen faster or in a different way. The adventure had to lead me to you. I went to Uzbekistan and back, worked my way through an agency in Montana, held on to a brief bit of hope in Maine, and then finally found my way to Idaho in order to hold you in my arms. Who would have thought that the little boy I saw on a webpage sitting with his older sister would one day land himself into my arms and curled up in my heart forever? Who would have thought that a child who had fallen through the cracks for so many years would be the light of the life for so many he encountered? Who would have thought a child could have so much life, personality, and spunk after all he had been through? Well, you saved it all for me. You knew you would find yourself in the hands of a family and you knew you had so much to offer the world it was worth fighting for. And you knew all that spunk you have offer would be paybacks for my childhood days :) We are two peas in a pod who like to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders but are both learning everyday to let down our guard, trust those around us, and simply enjoy our lives together and today was another stepping stone on that path.
I look back at paperwork, and pictures, and think about the process it has been on occasion and once I spoke with the social workers in Idaho about you it all happened so smoothly (minus missing a flight to pick you up) and quickly that I don't think either of us had to time to think. You were legally free for adoption in January of 2010. I submitted my home study and letter of interest on March 22nd, 2010. On March 31st, 2010 I received a phone call and email that the selection committee had met and I was selected - that I was matched with my son. On April 13th, we received confirmation that both Idaho and Virginia approved the adoption (the say that it was the fastest approval they have ever seen). On April 19th, 2010 I arrived in Idaho and laid eyes on you for the first time and fell in love with you. Then, May 13th, 2010 you finally came home. I have to tell you baby, that is very fast compared to what I have seen and worked through in the past. So today, January 22nd, 2010 we have been told that the process is finalized, only 8 months after you arrived home and less then a year after I met you. I will find out what actual day the judge signed the degree but really we have always known nothing could separate us once you arrived home.
I know you do not completely understand all that happened today, the relief, the giant steps forward, and the security that this means, but I do know you realized, a long time ago, that this was final. When we walked through security at the airport in Idaho you suddenly had a new name, a new life, and there was no looking back. You took everything in stride and in all honesty accepted what was placed in front of you. Not that you don't have your moments and I see the times you take a few seconds of reflection but you are allowed that. You are allowed to take in the world around you, to see, to hear, and to absorb all that is occurring. You are allowed to simply be Bryson James Murray!
I love you baby and I cannot wait to start this next chapter of our lives
Mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)