Continued Amazement

I am speechless - about four weeks I took you to sports camp for the first time. Needless to say I decided that you would not be going for awhile. The amount of attention you needed and the lack of focus and interest you had pulled so much away from staff that I had decided we would wait until you had settled in a little more.

Tonight we went back again. I expected some rough times and thought you needed a one on one the whole time. Well, yet again you proved me wrong. You were able to rotate with your small group. You did not try to run away too much, you followed directions, and overall seemed to have a good time. And, even better, you are completely crashed out now! You are catching up on lost time so fast and the changes are apparent to everyone.

There are times when I look at you and am angry at your biological parents. Angry that you missed so much of life and that it took so long for you to find home. I don't know what the future holds for you, what exactly your delays will be, or where we will even be tomorrow but you have so much potential, love, and determination I know you will go far. Where would you be if you were not locked in a room for three years? Where would you be if you were not abused or exposed to drugs? I know we will never have the answer to these questions and we cannot dwell in the past - and it is part of your past who has made you who you are today. I also know that if things had been different I would have never found you. All I know is that today you are leaps and bounds beyond where you were even eight weeks ago. Today marks the two month mark of you being home and yet I feel as if it has been years. You are loved and followed by many. Now, if I could just get you to share those cars and trucks a little more I think we would be golden! I know, I know, I can't ask for to much :)

I love you baby!

Physical Changes

I think it is important to realize not only your emotional growth but also your physical changes. The first picture was when I first meet you in mid-April. The second picture is from two weeks ago, only six weeks after being home!

So... You think you are a dog - I guess things could be worse

Oh Bryson, what am I going to do with you. If you bark like a dog one more time Mommy may just lose it. You started this within the first few days of coming home in imitation of Sadie. I guess I should be very happy that you have the imitation skills and that you want to interact with the dogs but it is one sounds I just can't stand. It also doesn't help that you know I can't stand the barking so whenever you are in trouble or not getting attention, you just start barking again. Hopefully when you are around more peers you will start imitating their language, not the dogs barking!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote you and I can barely keep up. ABA therapy started a little over a week ago. You are receiving 10 hours per week and things are going well. You are generalizing the skills quickly and starting this week we will really be focusing on the Picture Exchange Communication System (PEC's). I am hoping this will slow down your language a little, lessen your frustrations (and mine), and give you more vocabulary. Your favorite words of "go," "mine," and "please" will only get us so far!

Potty training is about 80% done. You are starting to request with "pee pee pa pa" (your interpretation of "pee pee potty) and are holding it longer and longer. LIttle do you know that if you didn't drink so much throughout the day you wouldn't have to spend so much time in the bathroom.

Last week we bought you a bike. You want to ride it but we are going to have to figure at some adaptations. You have a hard time keeping your feet on the pedals and using your core strength to hold your body upright. I am trying to rig some things so that it will be a little easier - I can only follow you from behind holding your feet on the pedals and helping you move them for so long.

You have transitioned okay with the nanny and me going to back to work. You definitely test her the most right now but I am hoping this will settle in - if we can just convience her to stay in the fall!

You do still have few quirks we are discovering. Yesterday when I put you to bed I found six pairs of shoes under your comforter and all your shorts, on their hangers mind you, tucked behind your bed. There is a part of me that knows this is you just being a little boy and another part that knows you are hoarding items a little because of your past. Every wall that comes down another one shows up but the progress is amazing.

Keep on trucking little one because you are amazing us all and making up for so much lost time.

Love you

Developmental Milestones

Wow! You continue to amaze me everyday but this time I am honestly shocked. For some reason when I woke up Monday I decided it would be the day to start potty training you (mind you I only had three pairs of underwear on hand so I was not very prepared). This is a huge step since a great deal of your past abuse was centered around potty training. Since you are not able to express these emotions we only have accounts from others in your family and your reactions. Before, you were terrified to even walk into the bathroom let alone sit on the potty.

So, Monday morning, we woke up and your diaper was dry. I decided that was the day. I was going to make progress with potty training or, if things did not work out, wait a good six months before I tried again. I expected things to be difficult, to have tantrums, crying, and a lot of resistance - I under estimated you again. By the third time we went potty, every 15 minutes, you understood what the expectation was and quickly caught on to how you earned your chocolate or Dorito. Day one you only had four accidents and were very successful!!! Needless to say I could not have been happier.

I should have expected though, you would quickly learn to use this to your advantage. When in trouble today, only one day later, you would stand in front of me, squat, and pee in the middle of the floor. Hmmm.... maybe a little manipulation going on and my mom laughing at me from above!

You also decided today was the day to test your nanny. Not only did you use the potty training to your advantage and have more accidents in a two hour time then you had the last 48 hours you tested her as you did me the first five weeks - just out and out tantrums and behaviors. She is not going anywhere though, she loves you and will not leave you... You will learn this from all of us, you cannot scare us away as you have others in the past. We just keep coming back harder and raising the bar.

In five short weeks you have started to potty train, at least doubled your language, attended a birthday part, started to make friends, put on about 10 pounds, and are eating meat! The successes are huge and I need to keep reminding myself of this. I can barely remember where you were five weeks ago except the fact that within a week I was in tears from the some of the behaviors we were having.

Your walls keep coming down. You keep showing more emotion everyday and today all you wanted this morning was to sit curled up in someone's lap. You know things are different, I only wish you could express what is going through your head. The next week we will have more changes. I am going back to work and the nanny will be with you full time - four days per week. I am sure we will yet again find a balance but I am also sure this will be very difficult transition from you as you are just starting to adapt to this schedule.

I cannot wait for the adventures of tomorrow and to share in your success.

Love Mom

And the walls come a-tumblin down

A few more bricks have fallen from the wall you have put up for protection. Yesterday you started spontaneously giving Mommy kisses and asking for kisses (leaning your lips in and blowing in my face). Then, as you curled up in bed last night and I lay next to you, you curled up under my arm, put your head on my chest, and were fast asleep within minutes. It is moments like this that I know your walls are starting to come down, that even through our episodes we are growing together and the future holds so much possibility.

I love you more today then yesterday

Mom

I know you have trouble with transitions, but....

From day one you have struggled with transitions. Part of this I think is because you never know where we are going or if you will come home, who we are going to see, if your toys will still be there when we come home, and just plain and simple still learning what the hell is going on in this world. You were pulled from the cow farms in Idaho with no neighbors were you could run free to a busy neighborhood with people on every corner. With this, we still go everywhere and anywhere... We work through the tantrums, me sitting on top of you basically trying to put you in your car seat, falling to floor screaming when we walked in new places, and running screaming down the streets during our walks in which case people would come out to see if I was abusing you!

Many of these transitions have become easier and we have fallen into our patterns so what do we do... we go to the zoo! Not thinking ahead, Mommy was not thinking that to get to every exhibit would be a transition. Leaving an animal that you enjoyed, not knowing where we were going, you were definitely not a happy camper until we got to the next animal and then we did it all over again a few minutes later. At least you loved the animals but you were a little hoarse and tired afterwards.

We had gone to the zoo with Jenny, Donald, Taylor, and Shelby. Jenny came with Mommy when I met you for the first time in Idaho and on a few days notice I decided to pack us up last week and go visit her in Ohio. You did amazing in the seven hour car drive, not a single tear and only a 45 minute nap. You loved playing with Shelby and handled being in a different bed and a different routine very well. They will come to see us in July and can't wait to see the progress you are making!

I can't wait for more adventures - Love you

"Bryson James...1"

"Bryson James... 1"

I am sure are repeating this over and over again in your head as you are hearing it often now. Not that I there is really a consequence if I ever get to 3, but I will keep that my little secret for now! Actually, often times when I say "Bryson James...1" you look at me, smile, and say "two!" These are the moments that I smile at myself because more of your personality is coming through every day and you are testing me soooo much these days. I am sure my mom, your grandmother, is laughing at me from above right now because you are so me when I was younger. Whatever you are told you are not allowed to do, you immediately do it anyways and always do it with a smirk on your face and sparkle in your eye. A sparkle that you did not have a month ago!

In May I would say you had about 15-20 words and that is if we were lucky. You definitely could say "please," "ready," "go," and a few others but nothing when directly asked. You were not directly imitating the actions of those around you and followed about 5 routine directions consistently. Now, only four weeks later, I would say you have about 40 words and are starting to combine two words together on occasion. Your jargon has much more but we are all still learning what it means. I definitely know when you are mad at me, point your little finger and "yell" for prolonged periods of time in your language. You are now repeating words you are hearing, imitating some peers at times, imitating actions of adults at times of your choosing. Of course, you do so much more for others as you like to test me but even within the last week you have exploded in your growth and development.

Your physical features change daily. You are not nearly as unbalanced as you were when I first met you and you are carrying yourself with more confidence. You are weary of strangers now and know those you can trust who you see daily. You have started to only call me "momma" instead of everyone around us and my heart melts every time I hear it.

I hate to tell you but you have no clue what is in store for you starting in the near future. You have already started aquatics therapy to help with your gross motor skills and coordination, and starting in two weeks you will have ABA therapy at least 10 hours a week. I am sure you will love your therapists but not to sure you will love the work. I know you will succeed though and make great strides. Everyday is a new adventure for you and I am amazed each day with not only how much you are learning and progressing but also how much I am learning about myself. One day, I know we will look back and laugh about how many of my buttons you pushed, how anal I was over your hair and the way you were dressed, and how you barked like a dog just to see my reaction (mind you, you would do this for hours on end!).

I love you more today then yesterday and cannot wait for the adventures of tomorrow

Mom