Six Months!

I can hardly believe that today marks the six month mark for you coming home. Some days it feels like years that you have been here and I can hardly remember life without you. Other times it seems like just yesterday you were handed to me at the airport.

You are such an amazing little boy - full of energy, spirit, and life. You grow everyday and continue to amaze those around you. You find humor in the simple pleasures of life and I never see take a moment of life for granted. Your determination continues to grow and it continues to carry you through life. You have yet to not be able to master a skill placed in front of you (even through your stubbornness) and are so proud of yourself when you know you have accomplished it. Some of the simple tasks have become much easier. You know dress yourself, usually pretty quickly, you feed yourself independently, and you have found the joy in variety of foods. Your taste isn't bad either considering clam linguini was a favorite a few weeks ago :)

Its interesting to watch you. With many children the development is predictable, they learn skill "A" so next must be skill "B." With you on the other hand though "A" does not have to come first and one skill could actually open the door to 20 different skills. I know you have so much knowledge and are such a bright little boy, we just need to continue trying to find a way for you to communicate that. You are using your iPad extremely well so we will be adding more academics to it. This way you can start labeling more items and hopefully participating more in class. We will see what type of learning curve we are looking at. It just unbelievable when we see a glimpse of what you hold on to.

I watched you in kindergarten this week. No wonder you are exhausted. I am shocked you do as well as you do in that environment and that you thrive of of your peers. You hate to miss a moment of what they are doing. It was hilarious to see that every time you were given a choice of a reinforcer from your iPad you choose the activity the rest of the class was doing. For instance during morning table time you picked "crayons," during circle you picked "lets work," and right before recess you picked "I need a break." This obviously indicates not only your understanding of what is going on around you but also your use of and the power of your iPad and communication.

Technically, as of today, your paperwork can be filed in the courts to finalize our adoption. We just have to wait for one letter from Idaho that we will hopefully get this week and the paperwork will be turned into the courts by Friday! Once it is turned in we are estimating that by the end of February we will have notice from the judge that your adoption is FINAL :) This is huge for both of us. We will have a celebration as soon as everything is done and hopefully family will be able to make it. One of the small things I cannot wait on is finally having your legal name as Bryson James Murray.

Well baby, today is huge for us. It is a moment that marks a great deal of change, development, relationships, and life. We will continue to grow and I cannot wait to see what adventures tomorrow holds for us.

Keep on Truckin
Loves

I Thought I Lost You

For a few hours yesterday I thought I had lost you. Not physically, but instead mentally and emotionally. You had over three hours of behaviors at school and since they did not have a plan in place for this, you had no safety net. No way to control yourself. To bring yourself back under control or a comfort zone in order to know you were safe. I think that by the time you spiraled this far out of control it brought back memories of your past. A sense of being lost and just not knowing which way to turn next. Once I picked you up from school you completely shut down. You wouldn't talk, you had the look of a deer in headlights, and you were not processing directions that were given to you. It has been a long time since I have seen this, but we have. And from the past it usually takes you awhile to bounce back. Needless to say, it scared the you know what out of me. You have come so far, you are such a happy little boy, and are thriving, to see this side of you, to know there was nothing I could do, and to know you were just lost, it broke me as well.

You have so much from your past to work through. So many memories, experiences, visions, and emotions that no little boy should have to handle. You work so hard to make it through the day. You are asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow at night and I am dragging you out of the bed in the morning but very seldom does the smile leave your face. You babble stories at us all day, you engage in your environment, and you are just Bryson. But yesterday, this happiness disappeared. It was replaced with fear. You didn't have the fight in you.

This will happen. I know it will. I know it is harder on you then on me but I will say baby it kills me to watch you go through it. I know I can provide you unconditional love, comfort, and safety. I can provide you boundaries and expectations and a net for when you fall. You need to go through these emotions. You need to be allowed to experience and work through your past on your time. Whether it be a situation that causes the brief lapse or you choosing to take a moment, I know it will continue to happen.

I am looking to take you to a psychiatrist. Just someone to keep an eye and track these emotional stages in case you need more in the future.

Luckily, the phase was short. By late last night you started to bounce back and you had a wonderful day today. Not perfect at school but I don't expect perfection - I just expect you to try. Your play dates are going great. The facilitated ones on Thursdays and then also the random ones we have. Your play skills really are coming along and you just love your friends.

Your peers were a little jealous today when you brought in your iPAD. Even though we have had our moments over using this, as you are stubborn, I am seeing much better and spontaneous use of it after one week then I saw with PEC's. The categories are hard for you but this will get better the more you use it. I am actually kinda of hoping that it will also serve as a tool to help facilitate peer interaction at school since they will be interested in the device.

Okay baby. You know I love you - I wish I could say don't leave me again but I know you will need to check out again. That you will need to deal and that you will come back to me. Our bond continues to grow. We continue to discover or ourselves and our relationship and it is something that can never be broken.

Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom

Growing

Well, you continue to do extremely well in school much to my surprise. It was decided today not to remove you from the general education class, as long as you continue to hold it together, since behaviorally you do much better around your peers. You will still receive the extra hour of resource at the end of the day and hopefully behaviors will be better there since you will only be there once now.

Last weekend we saw Toy Story on Ice with Anna, Ellie, and Gavin and you did extremely well. Transitions seem to be sooo much easier then they used to be and new places or situations are better also. You don't seem to have the apprehension you used to and follow the lead of those around you. If other children are present then you really do imitate their actions and want to interact.

The biggest downfall we have now is your vocalizations. Since you are still not able to communicate all of your need, wants, comments, or frustrations, you are still using a lot of noises. When you are excited these noises get louder and are inappropriate for the situation and draw more attention. Your home team is working hard on decreasing these, or at least the volume of them, and when with me - we just don't allow them.

I do still see the emotional side to you. I think it will be years to work through your past and given that typically therapy would not help since you can't talk its going to be even longer. You have adjusted to new routines and people extremely well but I see a look in your eyes on occasion that lets me know its not all okay. I also think when you have that deer in a headlights look it is because you emotionally just lock up. If you feel that you are going to be in trouble or if you are unsure of how to handle the situation you decide to just shut down. This does lead to a great deal of frustration for me because it is skills I know you can do so I expect you to do it. It is hard for me to step back and accept that because of your past you sometimes need a little more space and a little more guidance.

Exciting news, you got an iPad on Sunday. We have put the "Tap To Talk" program on it and you are now using this as your communication device. The PEC's were just too behavioral as you hated giving the right picture, even though you knew the right picture so this way you do not have to hand anything over and you really can't play with the pictures. Of course car and candy you learned very fast but we are also working on "I need help" and "I'm all done." I would love to start using this in school also in about two weeks once you are a little more consistent and I think the general education teacher would be completely on board!

So, all is good right now. I love it when things get a little easier with each developmental milestone you go through. School should have the Behavior Plan for you by next week which is the next step and then hopefully everyone will be on the same page.

Love you baby

Week One Complete

By 6:30 tonight you were sound asleep. Granted some of this could have been your patch change but I think a great deal of this was that you are exhausted! You made it through week one of Kindergarten and overall did a wonderful job. It is very interesting, and exactly what I expected, that your behaviors in the general education classroom were much better then in the resource room. I know that you you learn from your peers and being in a room with 25 other children you are overall able to step up to the challenge. Not to say that you didn't have your tantrums here and there but compared to your behaviors the first week of preschool we are years beyond where we were 8 weeks ago.

I found myself today thinking back to April when I first met you. The little boy who was laughing at himself in the mirror at daycare, the little boy who had no fears, no language, and no social skills. The little boy who hit others while laughing to get their attention, no concept of boundaries, and no idea what was about to occur.

Then, a month later, I picked you up. You had no anxieties. You came to me with ease and showed no fear on the airplane. You swatted at Nancy and I on the way home. You ate so much food we thought you had been starved for days and then you started hoarding the crackers. And then, when we arrived home at midnight that night you didn't even think twice. Played with a few cars, took a nice long bath, and then curled up in your bed with me and fell fast asleep. You even slept until 9:00 am the next morning!

Now, you have fears, you have stranger anxiety (to an extent), you are very aware of change, and have a great deal more language. You fight learning new skills but in the end show us that you acquire skills rather quickly if you are motivated. We have had many of play dates, you know your friends, and the behaviors have decreased drastically. Not to say that you don't have your moments but you do not even look like the same child you did 5 months ago.

Looking at all this I wonder - I wonder if your biggest delays are due to the drug exposure to meth. I wonder if you had had intervention at the age of 3 (when removed from your biological home) would you be talking. And I wonder why all of your potential was not seen so long ago - by teachers, daycare workers, foster parents, etc. And I also wonder if I am doing what is right for you. If I choose the right battles to fight, if I push too little or too hard, and most of all if I all my love is enough for you to feel safe and secure.

I love you with all of my heart and love to see the smirk on your face. I know you are making progress but I just wonder if I am doing enough. If I should be doing something different or if I should be finding different options. I know you and I were made for each other. That your strong will and my stubburnness - we are the only two who could handle each other! We are able to laugh at each other. To regroup after a fight, and to curl up and just rock for hours. Tonight you fell asleep in my lap. You are not angry like you were when we first started school and therapy, you are just simply tired. You are pushed harder then any little one I know right now and you also push back just as hard. And to tell you the truth, I think you have a great deal of fun pushing back.

This weekend we will be laying low. Toy Story On Ice tomorrow night with Anna, Ellie, and Gavin and then no other plans. I have a feeling, for the first couple of weeks, weekends will be your time to sleep. Mommy is very excited about the potential of sleeping in until 9:00 am tomorrow (the 530 wake up calls for school are a bit much).

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love you
Mom

The Third First Day

Today was your first day of school for the third time this year! We first tried the private school for children with special needs that was supposed to be an inclusive environment. Then we tried the preschool with a private shadow for you, and now, finally, we are at the public school in a general education Kindergarten class! As I said in a previous post you have a combination of special education and general education hours (more time in general education) and yet again today you surprised us all. I know for a fact that your day today would not have been nearly as successful if we had not done the eight weeks at preschool. For now, I will call it the honeymoon period. Only one tantrum and one attempt to escape the building. No hitting, yelling, barking, throwing, or anything else. I am sure we will see some sorts of these behaviors by the end of the week but you know what? You showed them you could do it. You showed them that you are able to participate and interact and learn from your peers and teachers. It will be an uphill battle but we are off to the right start.

Tomorrow you will start therapy with Linda and we will fade out the naps this week. Of course, when I have you on the weekends you will still nap :)

The above picture is how you Independently dressed yourself after going potty tonight (that is a pair of pants, a long sleeve shirt, and underwear on top). At least it was not a four hour stand off - I am sure this picture will come in handy for blackmail when you are a little older but for today a great ending to a wonderful day!

Love you babes and keep on truckin'

Mom

Look At The Change

I love to do this every now and then. To look at a recent picture of you and compare it to a previous picture and see how much you have grown and developed. The current picture of you is not one of your best but does show the great deal of physical change you have undergone.

Past Due

I will be honest - I needed this time to think, regroup, and really know where my thoughts were before I could write to you. It has been way to long since I have updated you on what's going on in life baby but as you will soon read, it has been hectic to say the least. I am not even sure where to begin - you continue to surprise me everyday. Your growth and development is shocking and I often times have to step back and realize you still need room to grow. That you still need to be allowed to be a 2 or 3 year old and that we cannot skip these milestones or you will always struggle socially and emotionally. This post will be a longer one but I will break it down to catch you up.


School
This has been the most time consuming and most stressful on Mommy for the past four weeks. You made strides everyday at preschool. Making more transitions on your own and developing friendships and relationships that helped push you forward. With this though, you are going through your terrible two's. You throw items, on occasion hit your friends, and throw tantrums over the small things. As much as the director said she wanted you stay and that were were constantly moving in the right direction, I could not continue to wonder when would be the day you crossed the line. When would be the day you screamed to loud or throw a toy at somebody and hurt them. For this reason I started to fight the public schools system to see what our placement options were. As I have always said, I would not place you in a self-contained classroom, at this time, because you have not had the opportunity yet in a less-restrictive environment. Additionally, you do so much incidental learning from your peers that we cannot recreate in a more structured environment. After ten hours of meetings we did make head way and Loudoun County schools and I have agreed upon an educational program for you. For this reason today was your last day at preschool - one of the hardest things I have had to do yet - and on Monday you will start Kindergarten. As I told many of the other parents if it was not for the last eight weeks at preschool you would not be ready. You have grown so much over these two months I know you will be okay in the new environment. You will definitely test your boundaries, throw your tantrums, and try to get others to do for you what you know you can, but I also know you will be pushed on a different level and that we had to do this. This will also offer mommy the opportunity for more support in the home which is vital right now. As hard as it was to give up all the friends you have made I can only hope we will keep some of those friendships and continue to see the children outside of school and that you will continue to make friends at your new school. Time will only tell and I pray that we are both ready for the roller coaster ride we are yet again getting ready to go on!

Therapy
Things are about to change. With starting the new school I will also be increasing your home therapy hours. I am trying to find the program balance that will meet all of your needs and not only overlap on skills but also assign certain skills to certain therapists. You will have Linda three days per week for two hours and her concentration will be social, emotional, and play. I am hoping we will have play dates every thursday afternoon and she will facilitate these. Then, you will continue to have Brittany on Wednesday afternoons and also have aquatic therapy on wednesdays (as long as you stop drinking the water), and then on Fridays you will have Teresa. Hopefully, in November I can add a therapist on the weekends for you but I LOVE having my weekend time with you. With school being four hours a day now and then therapy five days a week I am hoping we will find the balance we are looking for.

Stubborn
Oh, there are no words to describe your persistence and how stubborn you are. This is a quality that will carry you far in the future and one that I have no room to talk on as I tend to be this way too, but let me tell you, we are going to have quite a few battles before it is all said and done. One of our newest focuses is having you independently complete the potty routine (take off pants, go potty, put pants back on, and exit bathroom). You are not happy about this. You want someone standing in the bathroom with you and telling you what to do. For this reason I decided I was no longer going to tell you and just wait you out. That you know what you are supposed to do so I would just wait for you to do it. Umm.... needless to say, you are build to of steel. At 8:15 p.m I sent you up to go potty and you stood in front of the toilet, rocking back and forth, until MIDNIGHT!!!! Finally, after almost four hours and mommy staying completely silent and just checking in every few minutes, you went potty. Huge victory for both of us. Mommy for not getting angry at how long it took and yelling and you for letting down one of your small walls. But seriously baby, did it really need to take four hours because then we have to get up two hours early in the morning in order to allow you time to complete all of your routines.

Medication
We have had much success with the Clonidine patch. You were on Clonidine in pill form for awhile but the dosage with hard to judge and you had a lot of ups and downs since it did not build up in your system and we had to start from scratch every morning. So, about a month ago we switched you to Clonidine in the patch form and after you sleep for the first 12 hours we have so much more consistency and you are extremely happy. It still allows you to be who you are and talk and play and be active but it just takes the stress and tension out of your body. I have to tape the patch around your arm so you cannot pull it off but other then that we are excited with what we have seen and only hope for this to continue.

Mountain Weekend
We had a GREAT time with Dave and his family at his parents house in the mountains. It was wonderful to walk into an environment where even though everyone did not know what to expect from you (to include me) but to accept you for who you are, not question your behaviors, and have the patience for you to settle in and find your own at their house. I am starting to realize you are more typical then we all like to give you credit for. You love riding the tractor, playing with the dogs, and just relaxing around the house. Oh, and did I mention you ate as if no one had ever fed you before! You loved the home cooking to include eating four pancakes, two sausage links, and bacon one morning after you had already eaten oatmeal. Hmmm.. Maybe I should cook for you a little more but it just wouldn't taste the same!