Defeated

Its not you, its me. For some reason I feel completely overwhelmed and defeated with your program, progress, and ability today. I know there is really no reason to feel this way. That you are making progress on a daily basis and I am so very proud of how far you have come, but today is one of those days that I just want to throw in the towel.

I had a meeting with the BCBA and classroom supervisor at your school today. For the last three weeks you have been 100% in all group activities (no one on one time) and following the classroom schedule just as everyone else per my request. I made this decision when I last met with your school team because I did not feel the one on one program was challenging to you nor did I feel it would prepare you to leave the self-contained environment in the future. Today though, prepared with data, it was shown to me that you are not ready for the small groups. That you are missing so many of your foundational skills and still playing games with staff as opposed to attending to task, that your behaviors have increased and they are saying you are not able to attain skills in a small group. This breaks my heart because I know that you are. When you come home at night you do show me skills that were taught in school during the day and you generalize it to other environments but unfortunately you are not comfortable showing them. It amazes me that you take in so much when no one thinks you are listening but that you refuse to show it to anyone other then me. I know I should count my blessings that you even show me these days as you were not even doing that a few short months ago but I am so defeated right now with the big picture.

My goal for you Bryson is that we are only at Helping Hands for a few short years and that has been my goal since I made the decision for us to move here. You thrive off of your peers and it was a very difficult decision to pull you from an environment where although you were not learning you had friends, birthday parties, and opportunities to engage socially outside of school. That was your saving grace in my mind and I could forget about some of the academic struggles because you did so well with your peers. Now though, I don't have this to look at. You do not enjoy the boys in your classroom and I am struggling to find you a group of friends outside of school because our community does not really have any. So, the focus goes back to your academics and I can only push this so hard. I do not want you to lose the concept of friendship, I want to find play dates for you, and there needs to be a happy balance.

So, where does that leave us tonight - I really don't know. I know that I need to let you be Bryson. To take a deep breath, let time settle in and just continue to enjoy life with you. Unfortunately, God is still working teaching me patience and I am still learning how to do this. I will continue to celebrate in your accomplishments with you, be your biggest supporter, and provide you with the wings you need to soar.


Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom