I do not know a better word to describe it. It is a period, a mind set, and a fact of life we are learning to work through. I am learning the warning signs to the cycles now. The periods of time when life is going to be rough for a few days and we better batten down the hatches because you cause quite the storm.
It starts with your sleep patterns changing. You usually sleep anywhere from 10-13 hours a night depending on what time you crash you the night before. On average though you are in bed, asleep, by 8 at night and if it is a school day I pull you out of bed at 7 but on weekends you will sleep till 830/845. Not when the storms brewing though. As things start to spiral you have a harder time falling asleep and then you are awake, usually long before 630 in the morning. As soon as our eyes met on these mornings the tantrums start, but you are not looking at me, you are looking through me. You are disconnected from me and its like all holy hell breaks loss. You don't want to use the bathroom, then you forget how to dress yourself, followed by your inability to even follow one step directions. You are "talking" a mile a minute (in your babble), laughing at everything one minute and then throwing yourself to the floor and head banging the next while you yell at the world. The tantrums last forever and happen often throughout the day. You are attached to me in wanting the security of having me but you also try so hard to push me away. You are also defiant to all I say. If I ask you to stop, or start to count you, it just drives you more not to listen and the tantrum just grows.
On these days it takes everything in me not to lose my temper and I will be honest, I do get frustrated. I try so hard to remind myself that you have no control over this. That in a way you are "sick" and you just need a few days and then my happy, stable little boy will be back. It can be hard though to wait those few days as the minutes seem like hours.
Slowly, usually at the end of day two or beginning of day three you start to come around. The full out tantrums seem to subside a little and then you just become emotional. Wanting to be held, sobbing over nothing (but not the full tantrums) and definitely not wanting to be separated from me. These days are a little better as yes they are emotionally draining on both of us, especially you, the intensity has started to subside and I know we are on the up swing, that we are almost there.
Then, finally, almost always by day four you switch back to a normal sleep pattern, you wake up smiling and talking to me (but not non-stop) and life goes on as what we consider "normal." On these days though you always take a good 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon, you must be emotionally just done, and still go to bed on time at night. Our life then resumes and we try to forget about last few days and me wondering when the next tornado will hit.
I am learning how to work with you better on these "rough" days. That I have to step back, that I cannot demand compliance, I cannot expect you to use your device (because I honestly think you can't process how even though we know you know it), that I must provide extra level of support, and that we have to push through and keep our routines and consistency so you have some sort of stability in your life.
We are switching to a new psychiatrist this week. I have found someone that will not only do your medications but also provide play therapy one time per week. I am hoping this will help fill in at least one more piece of support and provide you one more outlet.
All this aside, we were very excited a week ago when we got your new Maestro (communication device). It has been a little bit of slow transition but this device has SO much capabilities and will grow and expand with you with very little effort on my part to program it. You are starting to put two buttons together to form basic sentences such as "I want juice" or "I need shoes." Eventually, as you grow, it will allow you form multiple word sentences (including pronouns, verbs, adjectives, etc - remember I never did well during this part of english) and improve your language and literacy. We can download your guided reading books for school and seriously, programming only takes seconds. I know this will continue to open doors for you.
Even with four days of behaviors, transferring to a new device, and mommy being low on patience you continued to surprise me today. The device suddenly became more fluent today, you spontaneously made new vocalizations, "Hi Sally," "look at this," "play ground," and a few others. Then, you ran up to the wall, pointed to three different letters and spontaneously labeled them. If we could just figure out what the difference was for you today from the days you don't want to show us anything, we would have the answer and if I had to guess, you have so many more skills then we know about.
Well baby you have exhausted me yet again so I am off to bed. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings and whatever adventure may come our way next.
Love you and Keep on Truckin
Mom
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