Just Don't Eat The Yellow Snow!

"Perhaps we cannot prevent this from being a world in which children suffer, but we can lessen the number of suffering children."

Albert Camus

iPad To The Head

Yes, I do understand that the iPad is your way of communication. It is your words and solely belongs to you. It is an item I cannot take away, I can not use it to negotiate/bribe with you, and I sure as hell can't use it as my own toy. Instead it has become your security blanket and your wing man - it is your way to access and interact with the world around you - something you have never had before. I have never seen a child actually use their communication device nearly as much socially as you do, nor have I seen a child so attached. You no longer have your stubbornness associated with it. You will on occasion still not want to answer a question but if there is something you want you have no problem making that very clear and asking us over and over and over again!

We have been working, or let me rephrase that, I have been working very hard on trying to find a way to have you get out of your bed independently in the morning and come out of your bedroom. For years, it was engrained in your head that you do not leave your bed or your room but now you need to. You needed to learn that when you wake you, you get up and you go the bathroom and the day goes on instead of waiting for me to give you permission. I tried practicing this over and over again, I tried setting an alarm clock to train you that when you heard the alarm you could leave your room, I even tried just leaving you in there until you came out on your own - and all of these failed. Finally though, yesterday morning for the first time, I was just getting out of the shower and I hear this little "mommy," "mommy," "MOMMY!" out in the hallway. I push open my door a little wider and there you were with Monkey under one arm and your water bottle under another and your iPad on the ground behind you that you were pulling by the charging cord (you have not quite learned the fine art of unplugging the cord). We clapped, cheered, and went on with our morning routine. I guess, as with everything, it had to be on your time. When you were ready to have that wall fall down and move on to the next one - when you trusted enough to know you were safe to leave your room without permission, not when I was ready for you to do it.

Then, this morning, bright and early at 6:45 am (its a snow day) I hear you in the hallway. I say quietly your name and the next thing I know I have an iPad upside my head as you are trying to climb into bed with me. Now, as much as I know you love that iPad and it goes everywhere with you, it really does not feel good especially that early in the morning. You then proceeded to curl up, iPad under your arm and fell fast asleep again for another 45 minutes. Its these simple moments that all to often could be taken for granted. All to often could be passed by as typical little boy behavior, but I know that it is these moments when your world changes a little more. When you grow a little emotionally you let down one more piece of your past and you continue to grow into the beautiful young man that you are.

Love you baby
Keep on Truckin

Mommy

Bryson James Murray

It is official, you are Bryson James Murray!

At 8:45 this morning our lawyer called to inform us that the judge signed your final order of adoption this week and everything is signed, sealed, and delivered. We will get our copy this week, order the new birth certificates, close the doors to this part of our life and move on as our forever family! With or without the paperwork I have known since the moment I met you that you were my forever child and you had been waiting for me. That we would learn, grow, and explore the world around us together and never look back.

My heart dropped when I listened to the news and a felt as if a weight has been lifted off our shoulders. The news I have been waiting to hear.. finally! I cried a little but tears of joy - you were in the bath tub (where you like to spend a good deal of times these days) and I just smiled at you and said "you are officially Bryson James Murray - welcome to the family!" Its hard to explain and describe what all of this means. The years of waiting for this day and the roller coaster of a ride it has been to get here. I know God has plans for both of us. That it really is out of our hands and life happens on its own time when everything falls into place and as we have seen with the entire adoption process, nothing we can do can make it happen faster or in a different way. The adventure had to lead me to you. I went to Uzbekistan and back, worked my way through an agency in Montana, held on to a brief bit of hope in Maine, and then finally found my way to Idaho in order to hold you in my arms. Who would have thought that the little boy I saw on a webpage sitting with his older sister would one day land himself into my arms and curled up in my heart forever? Who would have thought that a child who had fallen through the cracks for so many years would be the light of the life for so many he encountered? Who would have thought a child could have so much life, personality, and spunk after all he had been through? Well, you saved it all for me. You knew you would find yourself in the hands of a family and you knew you had so much to offer the world it was worth fighting for. And you knew all that spunk you have offer would be paybacks for my childhood days :) We are two peas in a pod who like to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders but are both learning everyday to let down our guard, trust those around us, and simply enjoy our lives together and today was another stepping stone on that path.

I look back at paperwork, and pictures, and think about the process it has been on occasion and once I spoke with the social workers in Idaho about you it all happened so smoothly (minus missing a flight to pick you up) and quickly that I don't think either of us had to time to think. You were legally free for adoption in January of 2010. I submitted my home study and letter of interest on March 22nd, 2010. On March 31st, 2010 I received a phone call and email that the selection committee had met and I was selected - that I was matched with my son. On April 13th, we received confirmation that both Idaho and Virginia approved the adoption (the say that it was the fastest approval they have ever seen). On April 19th, 2010 I arrived in Idaho and laid eyes on you for the first time and fell in love with you. Then, May 13th, 2010 you finally came home. I have to tell you baby, that is very fast compared to what I have seen and worked through in the past. So today, January 22nd, 2010 we have been told that the process is finalized, only 8 months after you arrived home and less then a year after I met you. I will find out what actual day the judge signed the degree but really we have always known nothing could separate us once you arrived home.

I know you do not completely understand all that happened today, the relief, the giant steps forward, and the security that this means, but I do know you realized, a long time ago, that this was final. When we walked through security at the airport in Idaho you suddenly had a new name, a new life, and there was no looking back. You took everything in stride and in all honesty accepted what was placed in front of you. Not that you don't have your moments and I see the times you take a few seconds of reflection but you are allowed that. You are allowed to take in the world around you, to see, to hear, and to absorb all that is occurring. You are allowed to simply be Bryson James Murray!

I love you baby and I cannot wait to start this next chapter of our lives

Mommy

"Boen.. is no more"

So my little man, you and I had a little conversation while you were in the bath this morning.

You: "My mommy...."
Me: "Bryson"
You: "Boen is no more..."
Me: COMPLETELY DUMBFOUNDED "Yes, you are my Bryson" - pause "Where's your car?"

I had no clue what to say to you with your smile on your face. Not only did you completely shock me with what you said, its one of our first true conversations about it. Your language has exploded recently and I never expected that to come out - I couldn't of imagined it if I wanted to. I don't know if you wanted my confirmation that you are Bryson and you will always be my Bryson or if you were confirming to me that you know you are Bryson and the life you left will never return. It was a moment I will never forget and I will hold very close to me. A moment that shows how your emotional growth, your understanding, and the emotional/mental process you are going through daily. Mind you, less then five minutes before this I had walked in and the conversation was

Me: "Hey baby"
You:" "Heeeyyy"
Me: "Whatcha doing?"
You: "Nothin"

Okay! With this your other new words are "I don't know," "I can do it," "see," "help me," etc. On top of the explosion of you talking you are mastering the iPad faster then I can find new buttons to put in it for you. I feel that there are still one or two doors we have not found our key to yet. A wall here and there that still is standing strong but dear God child you are amazing and have come so far in eight months.

In eight months you have gained 12.5 pounds, grown two shoe sizes, and gone from a 3T clothes to a 5/6. You are eating me out of house and home - anything that is presented you inhale and we are trying to curb this a little although you are just a growing boy!

I have also come to the conclusion that nothing will stand in your way. When I registered you for lacrosse my mindset was I would be lucky if you were the team mascot :) now I know you will surprise us all and may actually get to play in a game. We are all always looking for new ways to challenge you and to keep pushing you.

One of the things I love most about watching you grow is you are going through all the developmental stages. Sometimes when there is so much ground to make up kids skip stages which leaves gaps in their learning. Not to say you are hitting all the stages in the right order but we have gone through the terrible twos, we have continue to go through bonding, you curling up in my lap, we have gone through stuffed animals, security blankets, only playing with cars, to now having play dates, joining sports teams, true defiance, and spreading your wings.

As always, I cannot wait to see what tomorrow holds because it is always a new adventure.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mommy

All I Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarden

An old poem that holds so true for you!

This is not to say that I mean you are learning everything in school because we definitely have our ups and downs with the public school system but it is to say that this year, your Kindergarden year, has truly been a break through opportunity for you. And, as much as we have our battles with school you really have learned so much from your peers and you have such a motivation to go to school everyday. As of today you will be in school full day three days a week and then your extended school day on Tuesday and Thursdays. This schedule, on top of your therapy with Linda and Brittany is going to be a balancing act but definitely a step in the right direction.

You have taught me so much in the last eight months (yes, as of tomorrow you have been home eight months!!) you have taught me to live each day, to let down my guard and not care who might see me dance with you, or make silly sounds. You have taught me to celebrate the small things in life, and most importantly you have taught me to love. It's funny, I thought love would be the easiest of the life lessons, that it occurs immediately and without question -and even though I did fall in love with you from the first day I spent with you and knew we were to be a forever family - you and I have had to learn to truly love each other and it grows stronger everyday. We have both had to test our boundaries to form our trust with each other and we have both had to break down our own walls.

I never realized how many walls I had to break down. How strong my walls had become, and how much your love could change me. I have grown, matured, and learned many of lifes lessons watching you just being you. I have learned acceptance, tolerance, and understanding. I continue to learn patience and perseverance. I cannot explain the importance of these lessons on my life to you. The change within me and how it impacts the way I interact with people, my outlook on life, and our relationship. I cannot thank you enough for those life lessons and I know we will both continue to grow together.

Keep on truckin baby
Love
Mommy

Reflection

ADOPTIVE MOTHERS POEM

Being an adoptive mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her arms making her a mother.
The adoptive family comes to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. This bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, like the child did within his first mother's womb. Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss, and memory made they became a family. Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.
The adoptive mother knows that she is a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart. She gives love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk about the day he was born and of his first parents. Adoptive mothers are embracers, not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child's heritage and history.
She embraces the facts of her child's past with strength for herself and the child. She's not only a memory maker planning family vacations, activities, and birthday parties, but also a memorykeeper. She's a tier of shoelaces and of hearts. She weaves lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly, colored threads showcasing their individualities and family origins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.
Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound, deep loss left by adoption. She allows the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mourning of the mom not there. She is secure in knowing that she's not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.
This role is not for the weak of spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling him her own, but this is what she does, it is her calling. She is a mother.
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I try so hard to put myself in your shoes sometimes. To figure out where all the stubbornness comes from. To piece together parts of your past that I really don't have any idea of, and to create new memories for you even though I do not know what your old memories hold. Many times I have to step back and not only realize the progress you have made but realize why you may have your good moments and those not so good times. I work hard at not allowing anyone to accept less then your best and having those high expectations for you and even though they may know your past, it cannot speak for who you are today.

Today you are a bright, amazing child who captures the heart of those he meets. You sly smile and the sparkle in your eyes speaks more then words could ever say to who you are all that you hold inside of you. You truly have this gift that you can put a smile on people's faces and even those that don't know us will stop and tell me what a gorgeous child you are. This is not only because you are quiet the handsome little man but because you carry yourself and portray yourself in such a unique and interesting way with a sense of confidence in yourself and a fearless aspect of the world around you. You have a great determination, whether it be testing those around you or finding a way to get your point across, you are a survivor and that becomes more evident everyday.

You have fought to survive the first few years of your life in less then perfect conditions. A life that would have taken that pride and confidence out of many of us. Where you were locked in a room and denied the simple pleasures of life that help us form our personalities, likes, dislikes, and a sense of being. But yet, as you stand in front of me everyday you show nothing but love and desire to just live life. Such an amazing attribute for you to have that will continue to carry you far in life.

I love you baby and can't wait to see what tomorrow holds

Mommy