Maturity

I watched you mature this weekend. To hold your head a little higher, pull your shoulders back, and start to find your voice a little more. Each days is always a new adventure for you and I - not only new growing pains but also much success. It has so hard to remember you have only been home for four months but this weekend you seemed to grow and mature like I have not seen before. I am not quite sure how to describe it but you are also much happier. You have settled into routine a little more, are able to make more choices, and are discovering that you do have a say in what happens in your daily life. I am trying to find areas I can give you freedom and allow you to continue to grow without allowing you to spiral backwards.

Preschool is still a never ending roller coaster for us. I hold my breath everyday when I pick you up, praying that it has been a good day for you and that you didn't have any tantrums but also knowing that I have to have realistic expectations given this is only the end of week three. I worry that the school is going to tell us it is not working out and I am not sure what we will do at that point. I know they do not see the huge gains you made this week. That you were able to sit in circle, rotate a few times each day without your shadow, and most of all the relationship you are building with your peers. We pulled up to school earlier this week and me, being the "non preschool" mom took you up to the top of the hill to wait for the doors to be unlocked when I knew your classmates were at the bottom of the hill (I was hoping not to make small talk). But then, Aiden and Amy came running up the hill and asked you to play and the three of you ran down the hilling laughing. It was amazing to see and a huge moment to realize that you trust these children, you want to be there, and they want to play with you. We will keep on pushing and I will fight as hard as I can to keep you in that preschool and I know Linda will fight for you also!

Tomorrow I have your IEP meeting with Loudoun County Public Schools. I know this will not go as I had planned for it and that we are probably going to lose all services. They say that since I am home schooling you they only have to provide the minimum for related services (which is basically nothing) and since it would be such a short time and more transitions for you and more inconsistency, I will be denying all services and we can look at it again next year. You are making improvements in all areas across the board and after watching you this week to start to settle in and finally know you are safe and you are home, I cannot add another change right now (this might change if you get kicked out of preschool though!)

Finally, some of your newest accomplishments:
Peeing Standing Up!!!! This is huge as I have been trying to convience you this is much easier for a long time, but of course, it had to be on your terms and you have finally decided it is time
Putting on your socks - You are now able to put on both socks, up to your heels independently
Putting on your shoes - as long as I untie them you can put both shoes on independently
Language is still growing daily and one of your new words is : "TEACHER!" - gotta get attention at school somehow

Love you baby and can't see what you have in store next
Mom

Mommy Had to Swallow Her Pride

We have had a rough 24 hours. Your birthday celebration on Saturday was wonderful and then on Sunday morning, for the first time ever, we got up and you went to Sunday School. You did great and had a great morning but then everything started to spiral downhill. I am not sure what it set off. If mommy was being stubborn, if you were being stubborn or if we both just needed to take a deep breath but I will say we both hit a wall and it took us until 900 tonight to get back on track. Over 24 hours is a long time for you and I and to be at the end of our ropes and it carries over everywhere we go. For you it carries over to school, the nanny, your friends, and even just going to the grocery store. For me it carries over to friends, family, and work. We are both stubborn as hell and neither of us like to one, admit it, and two, be the first to throw in the flag to start over. Im usually head strong in that I will not be the one to step back, that I am the adult and I have to finish the battle and be the one to win, but I knew that was not going to happen this time. Some of your antics over the last two days include:

- Going to the bathroom but not taking your pants off (thus soaking through your pants)
- Pulling everything out of your closet and into your bed with you
- Throwing yourself down the stairs
- Dumping your plate of food at dinner the last two nights
- Tantrums, including screaming at the top of your lungs, out in public
- Hitting, kicking, screaming, at anyone who will listen
- Standing in front of your book bag with hands on it for 45 minutes because you were determined not to take it off the hook
- Standing in one spot for three hours because you did not want to use your words and talk
- Putting on your socks when asked (mind you takes 20 minutes) and then promptly taking them off again so we can't go and doing this for 2 hours straight
- Chewing a hole in your long sleeve shirt

And the list goes on. You also gave Tonya, the nanny, a run for her money tonight including barking for four hours straight. She even said if she did love us this much she would not come back - but you can't get rid of her yet! So, mommy had to swallow her pride tonight and after Tonya left go over the chair I had placed you in earlier and just let you curl up on my lap and hold you. Rock you back and forth and just allow you to to be held and to let yet another wall down, for both of us. You have had so many changes the last two weeks, so many new demands, places, people, etc.. that we are at a whole new level of testing and a whole new level of getting to know you. Deciding who you can trust, trying to see if you can run people off and getting lost in all the antics. If you could just take a deep breath and realize you can grow with the world and do not have to fight it life would be so much easier. I know in years time it will get easier, that hopefully the reactive attachment you show so strongly at times will fade and that I need to take more moments to just hold you. You didn't want to let you, you held my shirt, let me rock you and didn't make a sound. You fell fast asleep and I am sure are exhausted. I love you with all my heart and can't wait to see everything that is growing inside of you.

Additionally, today marks four months for you being home. It is hard to remember life before you came home and seems like is has been so much longer. When you realize it has ONLY been four months your growth is amazing and truly a testiment for the little boy you are and man you will become. You and I are continuing to grow everyday and I love to watch you wake up every morning not to know what to expect - trust me, every morning is a new adventure with you!

Love you Baby
Mom

Before is a picture from five months ago when I first meet you (before I brought you home) and then a picture from your party this weekend)

Birthday Boy

How wonderful it is to see the look on your eyes when you woke up from your nap on Saturday and found a present on the kitchen table and a cake on the island. Now, we are not sure what you have known for celebrations from your past, what sense of a party you have, or how you were going to respond to our small party on Sunday but you did amazing.

You obviously knew what presents were. You ran to the kitchen table, touched the gift, and said "what's that?" with a smile on your face. I just laughed and told you to just wait until later more was to come. As soon as someone walked in the door you tried to rip the present from their hands - just to be told again, "just wait!" Easier said then done for you! You loved having a few friends here (Anna, Ellie, Gavin, Joaquin, and Micheala) and played for four hours with them downstairs, upstairs, and anywhere in between. Finally, it was present time! I got you the Leapster Explorer (I am hoping you will grow into this), Sally and the little ones got you a game for the Explorer, Nancy gave you blocks and a puzzle, and Joaquin and family gave you Operation the game and a basketball hoop. I think you favorite of the evening was the basketball hoop which was a great surprise to see!

You really did a great job, I know you knew the party was for you, clapped as we sang you Happy Birthday and gave your best attempt at blowing out the birthday candles. All and all a great evening with friends and family and I look forward to many more of these celebrations. Your actual birthday is tomorrow so one more day of celebrations at school.

Love you Baby

Just How Hard You Work

Its amazing the strength and endurance a child with special needs must have in order to enjoy the simplest pleasures in life. This is not about feeling sorry for a child with special needs but instead bringing attention to those who may not understand. Who look at a child with special needs and wonder why they might be agitated, annoyed that they are having yet another tantrum, or feel that they just don't belong in a class or program because of their disability. This is not to say that a typically developing child has an easy life. That they are not tired also and try very hard every day but a child with special needs should be recognized for their determination and hard work to just enjoy day to day living.

I feel that I sit in a unique situation. I am not only raising you, a child with special needs, but also work with children with special needs on a daily basis. I see a wide range of children varying in ages and disabilities and the one thing you all have in common is that you put so much into life so you can enjoy certain moments. So that you can say your first word at any age, follow a one step direction, or do your first math problem. There are no predictions, no conclusions, and certainly, no promises. Everything has to be on your time and sometimes you do not even realize how great of an accomplishment it is.

I wish there was a way to explain to everyone just how hard you, and many others, work. Just what it takes to be in your head for a day, in your life, and walking in your shoes. Unfortunately, I do not even realize exactly what this is like but I see it in you, and many of the other children I encounter. You give me determination and remind me daily not to take for granted what comes so easily to all of us.

This week watching you at preschool and around many other children your age I realize where all of your delays are. Where we need to push to make up ground and where you are trying so hard to just fit in. I have come to a whole new level of acceptance and have grown with you this week on your new adventures.

Where most children have free time before preschool starts in the morning and can relax and watch cartoons, we are getting up early so you can learn how to dress yourself independently. Where as most children can relax and play with their friends before or after school you are either on your way from or on your way to another therapy session. On top of your 15 hour school week we also fit in another six hours of services such as speech, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and behavioral therapy. This does not include your home school program and one on on time that you and I spend working on skills also.

Nothing is ever just play. We are always working on language, requesting, sharing, imitation, etc... We are always trying to find teaching moments and pushing you to the next level. Your day is never ending. You are exhausted and you will be for a very long time. On top of this we still have to fit in aquatic therapy, doctors appointments, and swim lessons. We need to find activities that allow you to be more of a typical six year old but that is hard when to do those activities you will need even more work and practice.

You are extremely happy though. You never stop smiling and laughing (unless you are being counted... Bryson James... 1..2..) You can not imagine your life any other way and that you are growing and developing everyday. It is not fair that you have your disabilities, that some of these might have been prevented, but you would never know that looking at your face. You have taught me so much and I hate that fact that you have to work so hard to enjoy daily moments but these are moments that will never be forgotten.

I admire you and am so proud of you for all your accomplishments and hard work. You are an inspiration and model for others

Love you baby
Mom

P.S. Picture of you is sound asleep in the car at 8:30 in the morning after you OT appointment and on your way to preschool.

First Day Of School

Wow, you made it! Surprisingly a little better then I expected also. You had one tantrum when you arrived, just plain and simply didn't want to sit and a few moments throughout the day when you took a little longer the rest of the class to decide to you wanted to participate in the activity but overall a very successful first day. You also did not want to do circle but I think that will all change and the demands will only get a little harder on you each day. Its all or nothing now little one and we are going for the positive side of that!

I am guessing today was also exhausting for you as from the pictures above you can see your happy smiling face before and then you passed out sitting up in bed only five minutes after we got home! Overload I am sure but it will all settle in. Keep on going baby - good things are a comin'

Love you

You Can't Fly

As many times as I tell you, "you can't fly," you do not seem to understand. Tonight, both feet went out from under you and you tumbled, very hard, down the stairs. It is never good when you are silent and you were. Your back is bruised, pretty bad, and the side of your face (behind your ear and on your neck). I don't know what to do about your balance in these situations. I know you don't do it on purpose but you are seriously going to hurt yourself. Additionally, I hate to tell you baby, but it does not look good when you walk around with bruises like this! You start school on Tuesday and will be black and blue, which will go pretty with the black eye that you woke up with two days ago. All we can do for now is tell you, "you can't fly!"

Saturday night we watched Happy Feet with Nancy and Terry. You really liked the movie and you also liked curling up on all of our laps. You rotated between Terry, Nancy, and myself - sitting on our laps having your back or head rubbed. At one point I looked over and wondered if you ever had this opportunity before. Whether it be in your biological home or foster home, if you ever had the opportunity to be loved by more then one person in the room and just feel safe in the arms of another. You were so comfortable and relaxed and it was amazing to see. Your trust in people, no matter your past, is unbelievable.

You are now fast asleep, ice on your head, tylenol in your system. I love you baby, one more day until you start preschool - hopefully tomorrow will be uneventful!

Mom

Vacation

A very nice surprise last weekend - we got to go the beach. Nancy and Terry had us down to the beach house Sunday through Tuesday. I THOUGHT you would love the beach and the water since you love the pool. Needless to say though, not your favorite time. The sand did not bother you but I think it was the heat. Being around 100* both days you were just exhausted, plus working on your clean out process, and also still adjusting to the ADHD medication. It was nice though to spend some time with Nancy and Terry away from home, to sit out in the sun, and just get away from our daily routine.

There were moments when you would run in and out of the water and you did find amusement in chasing the birds along the beach! The first day after two hours of sitting and just watching you played for about two hours but on the second day after only about an hour you fell fast asleep on the beach under the umbrella. This lasted about an hour before you were suddenly awoken because high tide had come up and actually covered you! I guess we need to be a little more careful with this next time :)

Tuesday you start preschool - fingers are crossed this will be a good experience. I know you can do, we all know you can do it. It is just a matter of whether or not you decide to do it. You will have to follow the rules and play nice with others. You will have a shadow there to help you which the school is happy about and they are very open to having you in the class, that is, if you do not cause to much of a disruption. I am hoping after the first week, when you realize your tantrums will not get you anything, you will settle in and fall right in line with the other 18 children who are in your class.

Your birthday is next week. It is hard to believe you will be six. We will do a small family celebration but will have your party in October after you have a chance to settle into school so we can invite some friends (hopefully you will have made some :)

Love you baby
Mom