Child Abuse Awareness

With April being Child Abuse Awareness month, and as it comes to an end, it is hard not to reflect on how your past abuse still effects you today.  It is difficult for me to comprehend how the abuse of your past is still your demon today but how it is also part of your determination, passion, and perseverance.

I strongly believe that you were born a typically developing child.  I look at your hospital records of a full term, 6 pound baby, with APGAR scores of 8 and 9.  I look at the fact that the hospital released you to your biological parents with no concerns.  I look at the spark in your eye, your desire to connect, and your passion to be an equal with your peers.

Then, I read your abuse. The documentation of what physically happened to you, what you innocent eyes had to witness, and what your sensitive ears had to hear.  Whether it be the screams of those around you, the yelling of the ones you were supposed to be able to trust, the pain the hands caused, or the neglect of being locked away and forgotten, you suffered what no-one should ever have to imagine.  On top of this, you add that you were exposed to meth the first three years of your development and honestly it is amazing you are alive today.  It is amazing that you have a smile on your face, a giggle that melts the hearts of those around you, and a personality that causes others to follow.

Due to child abuse, neglect, drug exposure, and witnessing of sexual abuse, you retreated in on yourself.  You somehow protected what matters most and that is your ability to bond, form relationships, find love and happiness, and experience what life has to offer.  This hasn't come easy for you.  You have been home almost six years and in that time you have overcome obstacles and pushed through roadblocks.  Somehow you have managed to find the light at the end of tunnel and explore the possibility that there are greater things just waiting for you around every corner that you turn.

Lets be honest, when you came home I had no idea how child abuse and neglect effects every aspect of development.  I had no idea the uphill battle we had in front of us.  There are still days that I look at you and wonder how I was ever blessed with such a wonderful little boy who has taught me so much about my own life but yet has been through so much. When you came home I never knew that I needed you as much as you needed me.

Six years later I can still not comprehend what you went through the first 5.5 years of your life.  I still become angry at the individuals that "damaged" you and caused the pain and torment that you have been through.  Every time you have a flashback my heart breaks into a million pieces because nobody should have to experience the fear that goes with them.  The stiffening of the body, the blank stare, the disconnect with what is going on around you, and the thought that your world could end in that moment.  On top of this, you can't verbally tell me it all.  You can't express the thoughts and emotions and you can't process it all at once.

Then, I have to also remember that you are not "damaged". That you have an infectious smile, an outgoing personality, a will to overcome, and a need to connect.  It is because of your past that you are my forever child.  This is difficult for me to explain and even understand myself.

You have overcome more in the past 6 years then most individuals do their entire life. Child Abuse and neglect have impacted you, changed, you, and shaped you.  It has created the demons and it has created the determination.  It has made you into the boy you are today.

You and I will continue to raise awareness. To be the voice for those that do not have one, and to help shape the perception of those around us.  You my dear child are creating your own path.  You are on much smoother pavement then you used to be and the gravel is less jolting then the potholes and dirt roads you used to travel.  You are no longer a victim but instead a survivor.

Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom

Happy Gotcha Day

Five years ago today we started this adventure together.  We have cried together, laughed together, screamed at each other together, giggled to the point of tears together, cried some more together, and grown together.  You have sewn your heart within my heart, filled holes I didn't know I had, and you have taught me the true meaning of hard work and determination.  Five years ago today I brought you home, a scared, fragile, and infantile little boy and we started to create our own path together full of many bumps, ditches, and rocks.  Today I look at a confident, strong, and empowered little man who is ready to continue to pave his path.

Your independence and strength continue to grow daily.  You are turning over new rocks, spreading your wings, and now actually starting to take flight.  This past year I have seen you walk into school with confidence, tackle new academic goals, allow yourself to trust others, and mature emotionally.  You are beginning to self-regulate, make your needs known, and simple believe that you have the world to fall back on.

It has been an amazing experience this last year to see you grow from the child who was afraid of the open hand hurting him to now turning to that open hand for help. To see you grow from the child who was afraid to voice his opinion due to the unknown consequence to now telling the world around all your heart desires.  To see you grow from the child who was afraid of the world around him to now seeing a child take on the challenges of the world knowing he may not always succeed.  To see you grow from the child who was afraid to show his pain no matter how hard he fell to now seeing a child shed a tear over a scrape, showing your emotions when your feelings are hurt, and making sure those around you know when you have a "boo-boo".  To see you grow from a child who relied upon helplessness and who missing the spark of motivation to a now seeing a child who is more spirited and passionate about life then anyone else I know.

You have torn down walls, defeated barriers, and exceeded expectations all within the five short years I have had the honor of calling you my son.  Today I no longer worry about your future but instead I am excited for all the opportunities you will create for yourself and which path you will continue to take.  Although your road has become much smoother it will never be without speedbumps and I hope that you know I will always be here for you as you run ahead of me and experience all that life as to offer.  I hope that this next year continues to to offer you opportunties to build upon the foundation we have created and explore whatever your heart wishes.  You deserve this time in your life and have so much to offer those around you.

Keep on truckin' baby because the future knows no limits and the only race is within yourself.
Happy Gotcha Day
Love You
Mom

Let It Snow

I love snow.  I could stare out the window for hours and watch it fall from the sky.  Maybe it is that no two snowflakes are alike or the way it moves in the wind.   It is unpredictable, changes in a moment, and carries an impact when it falls.  Watching the snow provides me an opportunity for reflection and is one of the few moments I stop and take a breath.

You are no different.  When there is a fresh coat of snow on the ground your face lights up.  You scream with delight and your entire body and intonation of your language portrays that of excitement.    You run over to the snow piles and want to feel it, taste it, and experience it.  Every time it snows I swear your reaction is such that you have never seen it before, but really, you sense the excitement and joy in me and it is a moment that we can share.

You read people.  You survived by reading people and knowing which move to make next.  When it snows I am sure you feel me relax and take a moment to enjoy.   You stop in your tracks, look up at me and smile, and then point at the snow and start to jabber.  You ewe and awe over it and giggle as you run through it.  I cherish seeing the light in your eyes in these moments and the simple pleasure you experience.

Just as snow is unpredictable, changes in a moment, and carries an impact, so do you.  I am not sure you will ever realize the impact you have had on me or those around you.  You have changed me for the better and in areas I didn't know I needed to grow.  You are able to put a smile on the faces of those around you, make the world giggle with you, and lift the stress off the back of others with simply a smile and a hello. You are able to not only transform yourself to a situation but also the attitude of others.  There are moments where you melt and lose your form just a snowflake does within seconds, but your puddles do not last long.  It is an opportunity for you to regroup and take on new shape and a new perspective.  You are voicing your opinion and working hard to be heard.

You are not like any other person but instead a unique individual who has formed his personality over the years. We have tried so many different therapies, activities, and programs to find where you fit into the world.  Recently I have discovered though it is not about you fitting into the world but instead you creating your own space in the moment.  Your passion for music has helped you develop a sense of yourself and an escape when needed.  Your love for books has helped you express your interests without having to use words.  Your interest in animals has developed a calming sense within you.  Your desire to create friendships and follow in the steps of your peers has helped you develop your social/emotional skills and provided you a community that only you could form when you were ready to trust.  Your determination in swimming and gymnastics has helped you grow and create a sense of self-awareness.

I have hopes and dreams for where you will be tomorrow but in reality, you have your own plans.  To me, you are unpredictable, change in the moment, and impact all those around you, but to you, it all makes sense.  You have a passion, you have an idea, and you have the determination that continues to push your through.  You have thrived, accepted the challenge, and grown into an amazing young boy.  At times I have wished you had a voice to tell me about those desires and allow me to share in your dreams but then I realized you already have.  You have trusted me.  You have accepted me.  You have communicated to me who you are today and where you are in the moment.  Tomorrow is never promised and today we will celebrate all that you have become.

Keep On Trucking
Love
Mom

Wrapping Up 2014

Since I am so horrible at remembering to write to you I wanted to catch you up on the rest of 2014 before we bring in the New Year!  The last few months have been an absolute whirlwind full of school, travels, and break throughs.  I feel like we have been going full speed ahead and have barely had time to stop and reflect upon all that has happened.  This year has been full of growth and I am so proud of all you have accomplished and where you are today.

Bahamas
In October we hit the high seas on a cruise to the Bahamas!  We had the time of our lives and enjoyed the small moments.  You got to swim with the dolphins, play on the beach, admire the endlessness of the open water, and just kick back and relax.  I had prepared myself for the worst, expecting meltdowns and an emotional roller coaster but it never happened.  You once again far exceeded my expectations and showed me the behavioral and emotional gains you have made.  I am sure having Addison and Amanda on this trip with us also helped you greatly.  You and Addison continue to have your own bond and you would do anything for him.  I hope one day you are able to express to him how much his friendship means to you.

Dolphin Cay

Kissing the dolphin

You were a little unsure

You were full of yourself 

One of my favorite pictures

The Views Were Amazing

A Little Beach Bum

Two Peas In A Pod

Thanksgiving in Florida 

Since you did so well traveling in October we decided to head to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with Pam and her boys Darren and Trevor.  Honestly, it is wonderful that you travel so well and that you honestly enjoy meeting new people and experiencing new things.  It opens up the door for us to experience more of life and of you to continue to learn in your natural environment.  We had fun on the beach Thanksgiving day and you made a new little girlfriend :)  I hope the girls love you as much in high school as they do now!

School/Communication

School has been a highlight of your fall/winter so far.  You love going everyday, have made new friends, and continue to work hard.  The school still does not see the skill level that I do and you like to give them a run for their money but overall, you have made leaps and bounds of progress.  You continue to spend more time in the general education class, you are able to transition with more ease, and you are finally starting to use your communication device across environments!  At home you are actually starting to put together 2 words on your device consistently and are using it willingly.  You are still reluctant to use it with your peers and I honestly think it is because you know it makes you different.  You want so hard to be just like everyone else and keep pace with those around you.  You thrive off your friendships.  Every Sunday a handful of your classmates come over to play which I think I love as much as you do.  I am sure you will continue to grow in this small school setting and cannot wait to see where your potential takes you. 

So overall the last few months have been amazing! I look back at all the changes that have happened, where you were last year, two years ago, and four years ago and I can no longer predict where you will be tomorrow.  You truly are a mystery to me but I am loving everyday of discovering your layers and helping you become who you want to be.  You have recently discovered the world of rap music, expressed continued interested in sports (even though it is not your strength), and as always, have a passion for making people smile.  We are happy and stable.  You are learning, discovering, and growing daily.  I am scared because we have so much more to lose now then we ever have before.  I am scared that waking up each morning you may have slipped away or we may lose the sense of stable we have found.  I am sure this is normal growing pains and I am learning to let go a little more each day.  

Keep on Truckin... Great things are coming your way

Love you

Double Digits!

I can't believe that you turned 10 today! You are my heart, my soul, my passion, and my reason.  You have taught my how to love, accept, grow, and be patient.  You have taught me to laugh at myself, not be afraid to let my guard down, and enjoy myself in the moment.  You are a spunky, energetic, creative, determined, and passionate. 

The earliest picture I have of you is the first one I saw, when I knew you would be my forever child.  Here you are at the age of 5.  Barely weighing 25 pounds and still wearing 2T clothes.   From the moment I met you it was evident you were full of energy and had a mind of your own.  You would run aimlessly from point to point and had more scraped knees, hands, and elbows to last you a lifetime.  More often then not, you also had a skinned nose and bruised face from your adventures.  Now though, your energy is focused and driven.  You have a purpose and goals.  You run with a destination in mind, most of the time, and look to make sure others are following you.   When first reading your reports and meeting you, it was evident you were a follower.  You didn't have the ability or concept to lead others.  Lets be honest, I am not sure you were even a follower as you didn't have the desire or the ability to follow in someones footsteps.  

Today though, you have become a leader.  This surprises me as you still struggle to communicate.  You still need time to form your thoughts and patience as you are mastering the art of talking, but yet somehow, you have become a leader.  You attract other kids, you build friendships around you, you teach the concept of teamwork, and most of all you teach all those around you about hard work and determination.  Adults who meet you can't help but smile and comment on how outgoing you are.  They can't help but laugh when you start your giggle and enjoy the innocence you bring.  

I am not sure how I was blessed to have such an amazing boy to call my son.  You bring happiness, life, and adventures everyday that you get out of bed.  You keep all those around you on their toes and yet never expect a thing in return.  You love on your friends, console them when they are hurt, always find an empty lap to sit in, and laugh at just the right times.  The smirk on your face and light in your eyes shows how much more you understand.  

For a child who is functionally nonverbal, you speak volumes.  You have a story to share and will not stop until everyone hears it.  You give life lessons through your actions and gestures. You are already impacting everyone you met in more ways then most of us realize and I am so grateful and lucky that I am your mom.  I would not be the person I am today if it were not for all you have taught me and you are only 10 years old.  I know I will have my hands full with each year that passes but I also realize you have so much to offer and have only started to impact this world in all that you do.  

Happy Birthday Baby

Keep on Truckin

Love

Mom

Happy Gotcha Day To You......

No words can describe my emotions as I listened to your classmates sing "Happy Gotcha Day To You!"  Your friends have embraced you and respect you.  Your friends have made comments such as "I am so happy for Bryson," and "we are all so lucky to have Bryson in our class."  The class clapped, sang, and danced in celebration of your adoption today.  They are excited in your smallest accomplishments and want to help you succeed daily.  I never imagined a year ago that this is where we would be sitting today.

As I read what I wrote to you last year I knew you were on the verge of breakthroughs. Your walls were starting to crumble and you were allowing yourself to trust.  I was still the only one you showed that trust to though and the world around you was still overwhelming.  Today, that is not the case.  This past year I have had to learn to let go and let you spread your wings because you are ready to fly.
You start each morning at school hugging different second grade teachers and greeting others with "hi's" and "see-ya's."  Other parents have approached me recently to comment on how far you have come, how relaxed you seem in the classroom, and how the relationships with your friends has grown.  Teachers will stop me in the halls when they see me to tell me they see the change in you and how confident you have become.  I used to tell you that school is not Cheers and that "everyone should not know your name" but now I am proud of you for making a name for yourself based on your hard work and determination.

Right now you not only have your personal army behind you but you have a community.  You have a community of peers, adults, professionals, and loved ones who have accepted you for exactly who you are.  Many parents can only hope and dream that one day the world will see their child just as they see them through their eyes.  This is now a reality for me and I could not be happier to take a side seat and watch others help shape you into the young man you will become.  Where you have grown is that you now accept this communities help and trust that you have hands to catch you when you fall.  You have let go of fears, faced demons, shown your true colors, and allowed others to see the child I saw four years ago today when you were placed in my arms.

I no longer have a concept of where you will be tomorrow, 5 years from now, or what adulthood might hold for you.  Honestly, four years has seemed like a lifetime but it is not all that long given the amount of progress you have made.  Your self-regulation, internal motivation, and desire to succeed far out weighs the obstacles you still have to overcome.  The world is no longer the battle but instead just part of the path you are paving for yourself.  You have set the bar high for what this year will bring and I cannot wait to celebrate in all the success and continue to watch you take flight.

Keep On Truckin Baby because this is your year and your time.  These are the moments you will remember, the memories that will last a lifetime, and the opportunities that only come once.  Let yourself be free for the first time in your life and feel all that world has to offer.  Just let yourself be you... I couldn't be prouder....

Love
Mom

Victim No More

Sometimes

when I need

a miracle,

I look into

my Son's

eyes, and realize

I've already

created one.

Oh my little man! You have grown, changed, and developed more then I could have ever imagined over the last few months.  You are truly my miracle and have overcome more then I could ever imagine.  Your emotional growth runs deep, your social growth spans far, and your developmental growth continues to jump high.

You are no longer a victim.  For the last four years I have described how child abuse has affected you.  How your past has been reflected in who you are and how your behaviors are indicators of all you have been through.  Recently though, you are no longer a victim and your past no longer defines who you are becoming. 

Recently you ran your first 5K to raise awareness for child abuse.  You were not the victim in this race but the picture of hope.  As you crossed the finish line I honestly had tears in my eyes.  During the 3.1 miles I was able to reflect upon all you have accomplished and how far you have come.  The day you came home you were still mastering walking up and down stairs and would just fall over when standing still.  You have now crossed the finish line on your own two feet accomplishing more then just completing a race. 

I have been watching you shed your baggage daily and grow into an ambitious, creative, and adventurous boy who carries himself with confidence.  You are allowing the world around you to see what an amazing person you are.  The spark in your eyes has changed... you are no longer seeking permission but instead truly happy with just being you.  

As I walk you into school every morning, teachers and staff members approach me to tell me how far you have come.  That they see how relaxed you are, the happiness in what you do, and how comfortable you are with everyone. You are enjoying true friendships and I am told that you "almost fall over laughing so hard" at recess.  I see a level of acceptance and trust I never expected.  I watch you accept being touched by your teachers, willing to feel and understand that they care for you, and allowing them to see all the potential that you hold inside.  

This is such a pivotal point for you in your development and being able to continue to grow and expand.  I have been your all... from your shoulder to cry on, your face to scream in, your punching bag to beat on, your eyes and your ears when you couldn't use your own, your voice in times of need, and your biggest cheerleader since the moment you came into my life.  This will never change.  What has changed is that you are allowing others to be there for you when I cannot.  You are spreading your wings and trusting that others can catch you when you fall and most importantly cheer you on as continue to navigate the path less often traveled.

I love you more then words can describe

Keep On Truckin'

Love 

Mom