More Than Enough

This summer has been filled with learning, sharing, laughing, and, of course, crying.  It has been a very trying summer on some aspects and one of much success on others.  Let me back up though and fill you in on all the changes that have occurred.

Towards the end of the school year I started to question why you were on the medication you were.  Not that we did not have positive moments and for the most part predictability in your behaviors but given the high end "designer" medications that you were on I wasn't seeing the expected results.  For this reason, I had the bright idea to try to take you off of them. With the help of your psychiatrist we slowly started the process to wean you from your mood stabilizers.

At first, life was golden.  Your personality returned, you were not as tired all the time, and your language continued to grow.  We had a few bumpy moments but overall I was thrilled and thought that maybe you were ready, that we were ready, to try to live without the medications.

Unfortunately though as summer has continued the success has not been there.  What hurts the most though is seeing the amount of pain and anger from your past that you are carrying that was masked by your "designer" medication.  Maybe it was helping to control the impulses so you did not think about your past or maybe it just caused a cloudy feeling so you were not processing the memories, but coming off the medications has opened a door I am not sure either of us were ready for.

What I am quickly learning is that you are experiencing PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).  You are repeating phrases that I can only assume were said to you as a small child, you are acting out behaviors that I can only assume were done to you, and you are feeling every aspect of the pain and anger this is causing you. You will scream as you run up the stairs "I said go to bed," followed by "no hit."  In the bathroom you will look in the mirror and say "bad boy," "no hit," "no bathroom" followed by you tossing your body against the floor and slapping yourself.  Today with the babysitter you just sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed.  All we can do is hold you, comfort you, and assure you that you are safe and that nobody is going to hurt you. I knew that one day we would need to experience this and work through this as it is part of who you are and part of your past but I never knew that time would come now.

I wish you had more language.  That you could tell me what you were thinking, what is causing the pain, or what the memories are.  I wish that I could help you work through your demons but all I can do is be a shoulder for you to cry on and be a safety net for you to fall into. I have to remind myself that just now have you been in my arms as long as you were in foster care and you still have not been my little man as long as you were in your biological home.  Maybe you also have an internal clock that is ticking away.  I am sure you still hold onto the unknown and the unexpected.  You not only experienced the trauma of your abuse, neglect, and drug exposure, but then foster care placement, and finally the placement with me.  A long plane ride to an unknown place and a life that has never been the same.

With all of this though I am learning who you are.  I am learning how I can best support you to grow and develop.  I am learning that your behaviors are not an unknown to you but instead an unknown to me and that I need to give you more time and patience.  That we are taking life at your pace and when you are ready. You are the one driving this ship baby.  We have had more than enough of our share of growth, development, and emotions for one summer but I am proud to say we are both still paddling with our heads above water.

Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom

Full Of It...

... I just wish I know what the "it" was that you were full of!

Lord help me as we enter this developmental stage.  You are discovering more of yourself and more of the world everyday and right now you can not soak it up fast enough.  Most of the time you are happy, giggly, and plotting your next move. The spark in your eyes has changed and I am not sure how to describe it.  It is more connected, more loving, more personality, and of course more mischievous.

I used to be able to brag to people about how well you slept.  That you didn't get into items, I mean we never did have to baby proof the house as you really didn't ever show an interest.  I used to tell people that we could go out to eat and that you would sit for hours, happy just to be around other people.  I think I even once told someone that you played so nicely by yourself.

Well, you are laughing at me now and goes to show just how far you have come developmentally.  What I did not realize before was that you were not showing those behaviors not because you were so well behaved and easy going but instead because developmentally you were not ready.  You know that three year old little boy that goes into the cupboard to play the drums on the pots and pans.  The three and four year olds that discover the snack drawer and all they want to do is eat.  The three and four year olds that want to do it all by themselves and heaven forbid you try to help them or suggest a different way to do it.  And of course, the two and three year olds that think the world is going to end because they happened to bump into the wall or get a small scrape.  Well, that is you now.

You start giggling as you ask for a piece of candy, knowing full well the answer will be no, but then you request to go "pee puff", proceed to tell yourself "good boy" (for asking), and then upon flushing take the piece of candy that you were just told no to because you know I can't turn you down now.

I take a moment to go upstairs or to let the dogs out... Suddenly I realize that it has been quiet for a little too long and take a peak - you have managed to get half of yourself into the snack cabinet looking for something that might already be opened that you can sneak away with.

My keys, phone, cards, and other important belongings tend to disappear.  I find some in trash cans, others in the bathrooms, more in your bed, and then even more placed strategically into drawers which also contain your candy.

(Baby, have you noticed a theme here with candy and snacks!)

You have a new found love and interest for Elmo, Big Bird, Dora, and many others.  We have always limited your TV time and still do but when you do get the one special show for the day it has your undivided attention.  You are imitating the language as you watch and if you see them do something you are trying to do it yourself.  Thanks to Sesame Street you are eating more bananas then ever.

Labels, labels, and more labels.  If you have a word for it you are using it.  For some reason my name has gone back to being "teacher" even though we never do academic work but I am sure you have some reason. In the car I hear "water" and "bubbles" as we drive by fountains and lakes.  While reading books I hear "horse", "puppy", and "apple" as you read to me.  When you see a TV in passing when we are out you will label the "car" or "ball" (car racing or sports) that might be on.  Last night at dinner you even independently ordered "apple juice" while talking with the server.  The list for your language goes on and continues to grow daily.

And you.. entertain yourself... lets just say that involves doing handstands on the couch, rolling onto you head, flipping plates in your mouth, and using anything you can as a trampoline.  All the while laughing hysterically and giving me that look that you know what you are doing is not quite right but can I really say no to that sweet face.  The answer to that is yes, I can say no, and even though I do throughout the day I cannot help but smile as I watch you grow.  Your pretend play has also grown drastically recently which is where you and I will part our ways :)  Mommy was never good at making stuffed animals talk, tea parties, or picnics.  Playing house, vet, or doctor was just not my cup of tea.  You can talk to Val about this because she tried for years for me to play with her and it just didn't happen.  I promise you though, I will hire you someone to play just as my mom hired someone to play play-doh with me as it was not up her alley either.

So what has changed? Why all the sudden this growth?  Basically, you are ready. You are letting down your guard and you are ready to process all that you have been taking in.  Most importantly, you are happy.  To hear you giggle and carry on and talk to yourself and others will stop me dead in my tracks and makes me remember to cherish these moments.  To celebrate in these successes and to never underestimate who you will be tomorrow.

Keep On Truckin
Love
Mom