One step forward, three steps back. Two steps forward, six steps back. And the pattern continues. This is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we need to go backwards in order to fill in the gaps. Sometimes when you move up the ladder we discover that the space in between the steps is a little bigger then we thought and we need to fill it in. We usually end up working a balancing act to figure out where we should push, how much, and then how much do we allow you slip in order to catch up in other areas of development.
When you first arrived home your progress was slow and steady but it seemed to follow a developmental pattern. Maybe that was because you had so many areas of need that no matter what foot you put forward it was going to be a step in the right direction and since you really didn't have any skills we had to build the foundation. I mean seriously, I was telling someone today that you had never even used a spoon functionally before you arrived in my arms, let alone a pencil. So your first year home was really just like your first year of life and we pushed so many emotions and basic living skills. There was no where to move backwards to because you were already at the bottom.
This year has been a little different though. We have had a lot of ups and a few downs but your downs have been us needing to re-evaluate our focus, demands, expectations, and life. Our downs also remind me that you still have so much of your past to work through and a part of me fears the day that you remember or that you are willing to share. With any fear though I do have to wonder. I wonder what exactly happened in your early years. Don't get me wrong I know you were abused, locked in a room, no social interaction, exposed to meth everyday until you were almost four, and the list goes on but what I don't know is all the pieces to that. In reality it does not really matter but it does help me understand some of your fears, why some skills take longer then others to master, and how you pick those that you trust.
Recently I have seen a few behaviors that I must assume are associated with your past. You are afraid of any industrial size fan such as in warehouse type buildings (costco) or parking garages. You look up with terror in your eyes, begin to cry, and call for me. You also have a hard time walking through entry ways that have a double set of doors (walk through one set into a small opening and then having to walk through another set to actually enter). I know the room you were locked in was in a lower level of a house. Do these walk ways remind you of being taken down there? Was there a window fan or a larger fan that you remember the sound of? You rely on your sense of hearing far more then most children your age. It is not only your passion but a survival skill for you. What other sounds will be a trigger for you in the future?
I feel that as we continue to open doors for you and push skills it is also allowing for more memories. It is allowing for you to comprehend a little more and realize a little more that the life you used to have was not really a life. When you hear adults get upset with other children you start to cry sometimes and you think that you are in trouble. You want to comfort children who have been hurt and you read people's emotions much better then most adults do.
So, each step forward really does equal two steps backward for you. It is as if we are adding skills, behaviors, and language while we are walking forward but that you are walking backwards through your past in order to process the emotions. At some point we will need to find a way for these two paths to be walked together but right now you and I just take each new day as an adventure, stay on our toes, and I remind myself that our priorities could change on a dime.
Keep on Truckin Baby
Love
Mom
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