Angry for you, Not at you

I have to take a deep breath and continue to remind myself that you have grown and developed so much in the last year and half. That your emotional state and physical state are light years beyond where they were in May of 2010 when you arrived home. I have to remind myself of this because it angers me that the public school system never made more progress with you academically.

Maybe I never left you in one environment long enough. We went through a private special needs pre-school, a typical preschool with a shadow, general education kindergarten, home school, and then back to the public kindergarten with strong special education support in a year and half and with all of this, the public school system continued to undo everything we had done. They seemed to pull every ounce of knowledge out of, they were able to make you regress emotionally, academically, and physically. They took away all the work on potty training, they created a completely prompt dependent child, and most of all they made you lose faith and hope in yourself.

More then anything you need people who trust you and have determination that you will succeed. Individuals, teachers, assistants, and specialists have to believe in your passion and determination in order for you to have enough confidence in them to succeed. This is difficult to understand and trust me I go in circles trying to grasp it myself.

I have to step back everyday and decide what will be my battle. What will be my hope and what will be the strings that I hold onto to move you through the next day. What will I let go of and have you experience on your own, what will I push you towards as your new challenge, and what will I hold your hand for to experience and grow in. These are not easy decisions and everyday after you fall asleep at night I stand in your room watching you, wondering if I have made the right decisions.

For now, I have faith in this school being the right school for you. I have to trust that I have made these life changing decisions (moving to Ohio, changing your friends, pushing you to new level) for the right reasons and that you will thrive in this environment. I have to have the determination to see this through for the long haul as you have had so many changes and such a horrible experience with school up until this point that I know it will take time to let you guard down.

Most importantly I have to have the passion and love for you and the acceptance for the little boy you are becoming. Nothing will ever change this love.

So for now, I take a deep breath, I learn to relax, and I marvel in who you are and the confidence you carry in yourself.

I love you
Mom