With April being Child Abuse Awareness month, and as it comes to an end, it is hard not to reflect on how your past abuse still effects you today. It is difficult for me to comprehend how the abuse of your past is still your demon today but how it is also part of your determination, passion, and perseverance.
I strongly believe that you were born a typically developing child. I look at your hospital records of a full term, 6 pound baby, with APGAR scores of 8 and 9. I look at the fact that the hospital released you to your biological parents with no concerns. I look at the spark in your eye, your desire to connect, and your passion to be an equal with your peers.
Then, I read your abuse. The documentation of what physically happened to you, what you innocent eyes had to witness, and what your sensitive ears had to hear. Whether it be the screams of those around you, the yelling of the ones you were supposed to be able to trust, the pain the hands caused, or the neglect of being locked away and forgotten, you suffered what no-one should ever have to imagine. On top of this, you add that you were exposed to meth the first three years of your development and honestly it is amazing you are alive today. It is amazing that you have a smile on your face, a giggle that melts the hearts of those around you, and a personality that causes others to follow.
Due to child abuse, neglect, drug exposure, and witnessing of sexual abuse, you retreated in on yourself. You somehow protected what matters most and that is your ability to bond, form relationships, find love and happiness, and experience what life has to offer. This hasn't come easy for you. You have been home almost six years and in that time you have overcome obstacles and pushed through roadblocks. Somehow you have managed to find the light at the end of tunnel and explore the possibility that there are greater things just waiting for you around every corner that you turn.
Lets be honest, when you came home I had no idea how child abuse and neglect effects every aspect of development. I had no idea the uphill battle we had in front of us. There are still days that I look at you and wonder how I was ever blessed with such a wonderful little boy who has taught me so much about my own life but yet has been through so much. When you came home I never knew that I needed you as much as you needed me.
Six years later I can still not comprehend what you went through the first 5.5 years of your life. I still become angry at the individuals that "damaged" you and caused the pain and torment that you have been through. Every time you have a flashback my heart breaks into a million pieces because nobody should have to experience the fear that goes with them. The stiffening of the body, the blank stare, the disconnect with what is going on around you, and the thought that your world could end in that moment. On top of this, you can't verbally tell me it all. You can't express the thoughts and emotions and you can't process it all at once.
Then, I have to also remember that you are not "damaged". That you have an infectious smile, an outgoing personality, a will to overcome, and a need to connect. It is because of your past that you are my forever child. This is difficult for me to explain and even understand myself.
You have overcome more in the past 6 years then most individuals do their entire life. Child Abuse and neglect have impacted you, changed, you, and shaped you. It has created the demons and it has created the determination. It has made you into the boy you are today.
You and I will continue to raise awareness. To be the voice for those that do not have one, and to help shape the perception of those around us. You my dear child are creating your own path. You are on much smoother pavement then you used to be and the gravel is less jolting then the potholes and dirt roads you used to travel. You are no longer a victim but instead a survivor.
Keep On Truckin'
Love
Mom
