I never met your biological parents. I spent hours upon hours reading through case histories, background information, and court notes. I read letters from foster parents, guardians, teachers, and different evaluations. I tried to take in everything that was offered to me and put it all together to understand the little package you were when I adopted you. Never in my dreams did I know that three years later I would still be figuring it all out and after three long years would I allow my emotions towards your biological parents to overwhelm me.
You see Bryson you are such a unique and special little man with more will, determination, passion, and personality then any one person can handle. I love you for all of this. You have made so many great gains and strides that I often go to bed every night wondering what new skill you will show me tomorrow. Each day is truly an adventure and you have taught me the virtue of patience and the impact of acceptance and understanding. For some reason I knew this year would be a roller coaster for us and I have been determined to weed through your needs to figure out what our true obstacles are.
Recently, during this process, a new diagnosis was brought to my attention. Some of your therapists believe you may have Childhood Aphasia. Aphasia is not something you are born with. The physical abuse you suffered, self injury that you engaged in, and drug exposure you endured could have damaged part of your brain, specifically the language region. This would explain your struggle with word recall, apraxia, forgetting steps in sequence, and moments of feeling lost. This is a diagnosis that could have been prevented, one that you should have never endured, and one that will impact you forever.
You and I have heard a lot of diagnosis over the past three years. While mentally I know the diagnosis does not matter and we will continue to move forward with high expectations, emotionally I cannot help but be angry. Currently, you are diagnosed with severe Anxiety which is caused by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, ADHD combined type which can be caused by your exposure to drugs, and now Childhood Aphasia which is caused by your abuse, self injury, and drug exposure. All of these diagnosis could have been prevented.
I am angry at your biological parents as they have caused your disability. They are the ones responsible for all you have been through. I know I have to let go of this. That I need to move on and just continue to look towards our future and continue to provide you with the love, interventions, and time that you need.
At times I am honestly torn. Every piece of me believes that you were always meant to be my forever child but if that is true why did you have to suffer the past that you did? If you did not have the past that you did would you still have the strong will, determination, and passion that you do today? Every moment of our past impacts who we are today and whether good or bad it shapes the person we become - with this though did you have to suffer at the hands and in the house of your biological family?
While I want to live in the present and continue to move forward you are reminded daily of your past through your disabilities. You struggle to communicate verbally, you become lost in your emotions, and you do not trust anyone except me and at times even trusting me can be a struggle. Through all of this though you have a smile that can light up a room, a giggle that is contagious, and a spark in your eyes that tells me everything is going to be okay.
Today I see a little boy who has finally let his guard down. Who is experiencing the world around him and trying so hard to keep up. Today I watch a young man who wakes up every morning ready to take on the world and never gives up on what he believes in. I see strength, courage, and desire in overcoming obstacles that many of us would have backed down from. I see a boy who has heart and who will overcome his past. With this though I also see a little boy who is having panic attacks, who suffers from flashbacks, and who emotionally needs an army to keep him stable.
Everyday I am working to teach you to overcome your own anger and emotions from your past. I am working with you on building relationships and finding the balance of trust you need. You are putting one foot in front of the other to find your place in this world. I have to let go of my anger that I am carrying for you to allow you to let go of it also. This does not mean I accept the past you were given but instead that I love the person you are today. I honestly cannot wait to see what you have in store for me and how you will continue to grow and change.
Keep on Truckin
Love
Mom
